Well, when I was 6 years old my step father had repeatedly molested and raped me until I was 9 years old. I never told anyone for many reasons. First off I was raised to respect and do as my elders told me to do, and to trust adults as they would only do things for my own good and safety, and so not to questions what was asked of me. Plus, I was only 6 years old and even though I thought it felt wrong, I did not technically know it was wrong, because I never had a conversation with anyone that said, ok, no one is to touch you here or here, because that is wrong. Also, when I started to concider telling he told me that he would whip me, and a whipping is the worlds worst thing when you are 6 years old. But as I out grew that, and realized a whipping was nothing compared to what was happening, he threatened worse. Since he was my step dad, when I was 7, my mom had a baby by him, my new little sister. So when I was not afraid of whippings anymore, he told me that if I told, that no one would believe me, and that him and mom would probably get divorced because of it and he would win custody over my sister and do it to her instead. So I kept my mouth shut and became the whipping boy, because my sister was just a little baby. But when I was 9, I broke down in school, and my 3rd grade teacher saw me crying at recess behind a tree. I insisted nothing was wrong, and then bursted into tears. I knew this teacher on a personal basis, she had a daughter 1 year older than me and I used to stay the night with them, and she took me to a church camp she volunteered at during the summer. I told her, and since she was a teacher, by law she had to report it. She told the school councilor and the principal, and told me she would call my mom that evening, but would do it later in the evening because she wanted me to be the first to tell her. Well, at this time my mom and step dad had been arguing and he was staying at his parents house, just a temporary seperation. When I got off the school bus, my step dad was there talking to my mom, and he saw I was upset, and pulled my mom aside and asked her if I had been ok because he thinks something is wrong with me and I would become a problem child if the root of the problem was not discovered. He was pretending to be a carring step dad. When he left, my mom went to the bathroom, and when she came out, I sat on her bed and told her that I needed to talk to her about something. I told her. She was upset because I told someone before her, but believed me and we went to the sherrifs office the next day and filed a report and went through questioning, then had to be taken to childrens hospital to be checked to see if I was raped, seeing if everything was intact in the vaginal area. They determaned yes, but wanted to do a polygraph first. He agreed to one, but 2 days before the polygraph he turned himself in, so I am guessing he knew he wasnt going to pass it and got scarred and probably hoped for a shorted sentence. I was doing therapy with my school councilor while in elementary, which was about 2 months. After that, I said I did not want to talk to a theropist, plus my mom would not have been able to afford one. He received 7 to 25 years in prison. It has been 14 years since he has been there, I am 23 now, married almost 6 years (found a guy I actually trusted and felt safe with for the first time, and married him when I was 17). I had my first baby at 20 and second baby at 22. Both girls. I had pretty much just blocked out everything and forgot my childhood, even after that. To the point that if someone asked me what had happened, or mentioned something that I claimed when it took place, I wouldnt be able to tell you. I knew it happened, but didnt remember spacifics anymore. But when I got pregnant with my first daughter, before I even knew I was pregnant, I starting having nightmares, that were more like flash backs. They reminded me what happened. Repressed momeries that were coming out in my sleep. I had them for about 3 weeks, and thought maybe I was pregnant, because we had been trying for a baby, and went to the doctor and said yes I was pregnant, and they did an altrasound to see how far along I was and said about 3 weeks. My body was trying to tell me something. And I had them all through the pregnancy, 2 or 3 nights in a week. Then after I gave birth to her, they stopped, until the next pregnancy, and happened through that one as well. But unlike the first pregnancy, they did not stop after birth. I still have them on a regular basis to this day. I think I may have to start seeing a theropist or going to group meetings, because I am depressed all the time. I hid the momories for so long, and couldnt even remember what had happened to me along with forgetting alot of my good childhood memories, because it is hard to pick and choose what memories stay and which ones go, it is all or none. But now I remember everything and cant forget. My mom believed me that is happened and she took action swiftly, so I thank her for that, but she blames me for it. She has not said it directly, but in so many words. When I was 13 and got my first BF, she told me I must have liked what happened to me because if I have a boy friend then it was going to happen again. She also told me several times that I must have liked it if it started when I was 6 and did not tell till I was 9. I had to have liked it if I let it happen for 3 years. I think she is mad because I ruined her marriage, and I think she believe that I must have done something to tease him, to taunt him into wanting to do something like that. I think she has it in her head that she couldnt have married someone like that, and he wasnt like that until I did something to bring it onto myself. At 6 years old I didnt even know what sex was. I had a few BFs in highschool and just did not trust them, and I finally found a guy that was someone who loved me for me, knew what I had been through, the sexual abuse, and moms harsh words, and he was willing to love me anyways, and I felt safe with him and trusted him. There was an ease I felt with him that I felt with only one other guy in my life, and that was my grandpa. I was papaws little girl. In his eyes I could do no wrong. So I snatched him up when he asked me to marry him when I was 17. I was a jr in Highschool, and he just graduated Highschool, He was 1 year older than me. Since I was a minor I had to convince my mom to do this, and she gave me the whole speach of how I must have liked it because I am putting myself in that situation once again. But she gave in and said it was my problem, and she didnt want to have to be responsible for me anymore, and told me if I moved out and got married I was not to ask for help from her or anyone in the family, because if she found out they helped me financially she would not talk to them or me. SHe did it because she tought it wouldnt work, and so she could say later, I told you so. But I am the one with the last laugh to say I told you so, because it has been 6 years. She has had 3 marriages, 2 failed, 3rd is in check, and she has 3 kids, and all three of us have a different dad. I have been married once, still love him to death, because besides all my emotional problems with all of this, he stays by my side. Even on my really bad days when I am so depressed and dont want to even get out of bed to take care of my girls because I have had nightmares several nights in a row and had no sleep, he is there for me, and lets me get my rest and takes care of our babys. I couldnt ask for a kinder man, for what I put him through. But I am concidering counciling or something to help get me back on track and to lessen the burden on his shoulders.
