Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I guess we all go through these times of having flashbacks and nightmares. I still do and I'm 55 years old. You remind me of myself when I was your age. I was raising 3 boys by myself and I got the same way where I felt I couldn't even function. I think the stress of caring for the children and knowing how much they need us, when its hard enough to even care for ourselves, really takes a toll. So many times back then I felt they'd be better off without me and I even planned my own suicide once. Thank God it turned around for me when I ran into an old high school friend and her friendship changed my whole outlook. (She never knew how depressed I was, but she was a good friend and it made all the difference in the world.) Now, when I look back I'm so glad I never gave in to those feelings because I have 3 wonderful grown sons who love me and bring me so much joy...and a wonderful grandson on top of that. Look what I would have missed!

 

Even though I still struggle and I still have flashbacks and nightmares sometimes, and I still go through some really tough times, I know I'm meant to be here and I know my children need me (still) and I know there are happy times to come. When things are bad it seems like there's no future, no hope. That's because its so dark and we can't see any light...there's no sign of any hope ahead. But its there. Its around the corner and we can't see around that corner. But eventually you'll turn that corner and you'll see the light. I promise.

 

Those boys need you. There is no way they'd be better off without you. Please hang in there like I did and am still doing. And don't ever feel ashamed to talk about it. You did nothing wrong! I've been ashamed too...my mother made me feel that way. But she and my father are the ones who should be ashamed, not me. And not you!

I feel for you and I'm so proud of you for getting off the drugs. I know the only way to try to heal is to face our "demons" head-on. Even though it hurts. I don't think a wound heals without really hurting and festering for awhile...and we have to feel it in order to tend to it. if it didn't hurt we'd tend to ignore it and before we know it, its worse than ever. I hope you know what I'm trying to say. We have wounds that are just as real as one we can see on our skin, that need tending. And that's what you're finally doing now. You deserve all the praise in the world for doing that.

 

The only advice I can honestly give you is to hang in there and even when the pain becomes unbearable, try to remember a wound always hurts the worst right before it starts to get better. It helps to talk to people who understand and to get someone in your life who will be supportive and help you through the really bad times. (Maybe a counselor.)

 

I wish you the best. You've made the first step and I know it took a lot of courage.

Hi Linda,

 

Yes, I am doing ok. I will never have closure because just like your family there is no open and honest communication. I gave up trying to have a relationship with my family. 

 

I feel sometimes it  is  best to cut your losses and make a life for yourself. You know communication with your mother is not "real." So why bother?  You mentioned that your brother is an alcoholic, does your mother drink?

 

My mother does not drink anymore however, she still has the same mentality....the dry drunk. All my sisters and brother are alcoholics. I do not drink anything stronger than crystal light. For my own mental health I stay away from them. They are toxic ...

 

Hello, jerrqri, thank you so very much for even noticing me...I AM in counseling (have been since I was about 23), AND on meds, to no avail.  I CANNOT seem to find a local Rx who is qualified to deal with this type of continuous abuse...and I absolutely believe that I'm dying...I cannot go into the hospital as my 21 y/o son lives w/ me, and he has bipolar and antisocial personality disorder as well as being learning disabled and developmentally delayed (although he IS 21, he has the mentality of about a 13-14 y/o) and I have no family or friends that he can stay with, or that can come and stay w/ him during my abscence.  He and my Fiance DO NOT get along and I'm worried that they might get into a verbal disagreement whereby my Fiance might throw him out on the streets...my son CANNOT take care of himself, by himself and so I feel trapped in a dark corner with no means of escape...I've TOLD my Rx providers that I'm in serious crisis but nobody seems motivated to do anything about it....I feel like my pleas are falling on deaf ears.  I even called the local rape crisis center and asked them if they had any classes, groups, etc. for victims like us, to which they replied, "no, we only have groups for women who need support, nothing for victims in crisis"....I screamed at her: "Than WHY do you call yourselves  'the rape crisis center?!?!' "

No luck anywhere....but, thank you again, SO MUCH, for noticing me.....   :-/

  I can SO relate to all of you...I've been beaten with 2x2's, metal pancake turners, belts, buckle end of belts, made to kneel on broomsticks and ask God to forgive me for my sins, beaten by my dad, my step-dad, foster sisters, foster mothers, molested by an old man when I was 2-1/2 or 3, under bright kitchen lights while the foster mother washed dishes, my dad, faceless others that I can't remember, my real dad, my step-dad,  some other guy in another foster home, raped by a foster brother, the psychiatrist that was treating me (along with his brother), a guy I dated who brought 3 male friends along when he came to pick me up (at 17), telling me that he was just going to drop them off on our way to our date, once by so many men, I couldn't see between any of them, sold into pornography and prostitution by

my first husband when I was 18, who also sold my firstborn child, a daughter, for $1,000 (I STILL cannot find her), and there are several periods in my life (like from the age of 3 until the age of 9, and another period in my twenties) that are completely blacked out, I can't remember ANYTHING from those times, not a Christmas, a birthday, NOTHING.  I was left in the bathroom of a burning house to die by a foster mother who obviously didn't want me to tell or identify anyone, strangled to unconsciousness by my first husband when he caught me trying to leave him, and there's more besides.  Except that no believes me...they think that I'm just making this stuff up to get attention, and I'm rapidly approaching the cliff's edge of madness.  I've already had one complete mental/emotional collapse/breakdown, and NOT ALL OF ME CAME BACK!  I'm SO SCARED that I'm headed for another one, like a tsunami: you can see it coming, you KNOW that you can't outrun it, you can't outswim it and you're just looking for a high, safe place to climb to, where you can take your child with you, but I can't find a damn tree, ANYWHERE...I am SO VERY SORRY that ANYONE had to go through sexual/physical/mental/verbal/emotional abuse, those perps ROBBED us of our womanhood; they didn't ask, they just TOOK!!!!

My mother doesn't drink but she's been addicted to pain killers as long as I can remember. She even deliberately took an overdose once. it was the first time I actually realised the anger I had inside towards her. Before that I felt sorry for her because I felt guilty that she had to go through what my father did to me. But when she took the overdose and I went to see her in the hospital she looked up at me all sorrowful and helpless and crying and said, "I just can't take it any more." Usually, stuff like that melts my heart and I want so bad to help, but from out of nowhere came this anger (which I hid), and I had an impulse to want to slap her and scream, "YOU can't take it any more???" Anyway, that was the beginning of me trying to deal with feelings towards her that I had never realised I had.

 

I know conversation with her is useless. She can't see past herself. And she only dotes on my brother because he caters to her and pays attention to her.

 

You're right, they are toxic. I guess I haven't reached the point of walking away yet...partly because I'm so angry. It's like they tried to shush me for so long I don't want to just walk away and let them forget me. I guess in a way I think I'm getting back at them because my very presence won't let them forget. I make them uncomfortable. Why should they be comfortable?

I'm not jerrqri, but I know how it feels to feel like no one notices you ...(sometimes I think I must be invisible.) But, I learned a long time ago that letting our emotions take over and cause us to rant and rave and shout (you are doing that) only pushes people away. They look at us like we're crazy because we're acting crazy. It's hard to believe a peson who's acting crazy. They just don't look at us with the comfort and caring we so desperately need and are screaming out for. It's sad but its true. You need to find a way to think of the people around you and what your emotions are doing to them...its scarey to them. Its not their fault for not understanding..they aren't trying to be mean to you. No one will listen until you can talk to them calmly. I know that's hard to do when you're hurting so bad...believe me I've been there, but its the truth. If you're so out of control that its impossible for you to do that, maybe you should consider checking yourself into a hospital. You're not doing your son any good the way you are. Maybe they could help you make arrangements for him while you're away.

My boyfriend and I just had a pretty big fight. I was molested continously over a three year span by both my brother and my father when I was a child. It devastated me then and continues to hold power over me today. For numerous years, I didn't deal with the emotional baggage I carried. But when I met Scott, I knew I had to deal with it. All the painful parts of my past that I never sought help with were (and still are, to an extent) causing me to lack greatly in the trust department. I'm just now starting to win my self esteem back after 2 and half years of hard work and focus on myself. I definately feel like I've come a long way because I see myself in a more positive light. But I'm still having problems with control and trust. I'm still terrified that Scott (my boyfriend of over 2 years) will hurt me, though he's given me no indication he will. I believe it still stems from my past and since I've not sought proffessional help, I feel as though I'm not moving through it as fast. I've read Life Strategies and Self Matters and done all the excercises and I know that's where I've found my strength and I began to believe in myself again. But tonight, Scott and I were fighting about my lack of trust. He knows of my past and I told him tonight that I'm trying and I'm working on it, its just taking some time. Then he spits out "I thought you'd be over it by now. Just think of something else." I'm so hurt. I just want someone to understand that you don't "just get over it". I was wondering if maybe I'm in the wrong. Should I just be over it by now, even though I never dealt with my feelings for over 10 years? What am I do wrong? Or is he just on the outside because its never happened to him?

Hi Linda,

 

Do you know the first layer or step of anger is hurt. It is only after you suffer hurt, you become angry. I guess you were hurt when your mother choose to overdose. 

 

I am so angry at my mother I don't feel she deserves to be a part of my life. I am a good person she abused me. I don't want to be around people who want to purposely and intentionaly hurt me.

 

She is uncomfortable because looking at you makes her remember. Are you comfortable being around her?

 

Take care