Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

Quote From: een1016

 Hello to everyone reading this.  I am 34 and am divorced b/c I don't really trust anyone.  I am still stuck in trying to please my abusive father.  I am so lost and have taken a million steps backwards.  Somedays I'm lucky to actually get out of bad b/c getting up is too hard.  Breathing is all the activity that I can handle.  I am in counseling but don't really discuss my real issues b/c I am terrified of saying what happens to me outload.  I pretend like nothing happened and than I have major nightmares reliving the events that occurred.  I hate myself and experiment w/cutting and taking a lot of pills just to see what happens.  I want and need to feel anything different than how painful I feel now.  Does anyone out there understand this?  I watch Dr. Phil everyday and when he tells people this will be a changing day in your life- I wish it was me that he was helping.

Quote From: rrmetcalf

My daugther wasnt afraid to come to me and talk to me,I made sure of that because I was abused by an uncle,my stepfather and one of my moms boyfriend from the time I was 5 until I ran away for the second time when I was 16. I had my daugther at a young age and I was determined that my kids wouldnt be abused,so I started talking to her when she was 2 years old,I know that was young but I wanted to make sure that it was in her head that if someone touched where they shouldnt that she would come to me,I told her about all the things that I was told to keep me from saying anything to my mother and that none of it was true that she could always come and tell me anything.We had a good talking relationship,even her friends told her that they wished that they could come and talk to their mothers about things that we talked about. 

When she came to me at 14 and told me that her father had touched her on the breast I did believe her for two reasons because earlier that day a man came up behind my daugther and her aunt and tried to grab them between the legs while they were walking down an alley,my husband took off after the man when they came home and told us,which was right away,we called the cops too but never caught the man,so when she came to me that night and told me what her father did,I believed her,also he told me later that same night that he was showing her what not to let someone do to her.So I did believe her. But when she was 16 she went to the youth Pastor at church and told them something different and made it sound like she was being abused then.Now some 15 years later she is saying something different again,so I'm having a hard time believing her. 

Quote From: lucygirl

I read Catskat3 and ahve to tell you that you are not alone. I have been divorced for 12 years and keep the weight on to protect myself from relationships. I am so programmed to feel worthless that I even put off making new friends--how can anyone want to be around me. I feel they won't find out if I don't let them close. Even at 50 I have never told my family about my brother's friend and my principal from grade one. They didn't believe me when I tried to tell them then, they don't want to hear it now! Sometimes therapy just brings it all up and I have to relive it and I don't want to. The way I deal with it is to say yes, it happened, but I am a big girl now and I determine my destiny... which doesn't work well, but it is the best way I know. I just do not trust people, no one, not my kids, not my parents, not really even my good friends. I am still jumpy.. my kids are always amazed at how fast I can move when I hear a noise! I read life lessons and then had to put it down, not able to deal with it alone! I am trying to do it again with Dr.Phil's weight loss book, but I can only take it so far because I am so afraid to be without the protection of all the fat!

Quote From: mjkkas

yes I understand it all, really I do.  

I am in a bad place myself right now 

and would like to help you, I am just 

trying the breathing thing myself right 

now.when I am feeling better ( I hope 

shortly) I will post more to you, K! 

Don't give up because you are not alone. 

  

mj 

Quote From: mamasqurl5

This is gonna take a while LOL. Mostly I was sexually abused, but I was also verbally abused, mentally and emotionally abused. My Father, Stepfather, Stepmother and oldest Brother are all alcoholics.   I been diagnosed as Bipolar, manic depressive, OCD, panic disorder and some other things I can't remember. Most recently I'm diagnosed as Bipolar with some OCD and Panic episodes. My current Psychiatrist won't give me a diagnosis, she says "Call it whatever you want as long as the medication works." I guess it works ok. I'm not flipping out and I'm not trying to kill myself. Maybe this is "As good as it gets" as the movie says. I don't think she helps me all that much but I go every 6 months so I can continue to get my medication. Frankly I get the feeling that I bore her and with most things she acts as though I should get over it. But she gives me my meds. I've been in and out of counseling since I was about 9. I've been put on MANY different medications, some worked ok and some were just SCAREY bad. As a teenager I stayed in my room most of the time, I would come out only to watch TV and eat, recently I have started doing that again. It's been pretty serious since the birth of my last child, also my computer, TV and phone are in my room, so I really don't have to leave the room. I leave my room to get drinks and get dinner. I usually do not eat all day until dinner(which I eat in my room). I will however eat at night after everyone goes to bed, still in my room. I gained a bunch of weight when I was 11 after I had been sexually abused many times. I'm now 33, 5'4" and I weigh about 275. Since I was young I begin to have nightmares when I start to lose weight. So I just don't worry about the weight anymore. I still have nightmares. I panic to the point where I can't breath and I almost can't see when I'm in a group of people, I shake and sweat, the whole 9 yards. I always need someone I can hold on to so I can get through the crowd. My Mommy will instinctively grab my hand or arm and tell me to close my eyes if it's really bad. I miss going to Church (so do the kids) but since my Fiance doesn't want to go anymore I don't go either. There is just too many people and I'm afraid to go without him. I lose my temper and I'm ashamed of my actions. I DO NOT like to leave the house and I try to avoid it. I really don't even like leaving my room. I don't clean anymore unless I absolutely have to, I've given up. I don't feel like it's my home anymore. This is home to my kids and I'm glad they have that. I want them to have a home, where they feel they are home. My fiance's parents moved in with us, it was supposed to be for a few months b/c they were losing their apartment. That was over 3 years ago. They have taken over the baby we had and they have taken over the kitchen. The baby sleeps with them, eats with them and stays with them all the time in their room. They buy the food, put the food away and they cook the food, so I try to stay out as much as I can. I will go get a drink or quickly grab something quickly to eat, then I get out of there. The kitchen has been a problem for a while. They don't put stuff away right and it freaks me out, I tried redoing it but it all goes back so I avoid it now. My Fiance's mother is the reason they still live here, she is also the reason they have the baby all the time. Whenever I did try to take back some control she would fight with me and the fighting was not good for the kids so I gave in so the house would be more peaceful. The fights were long and loud and it went on for weeks at times. I even left twice, I came back when he promised they were gonna leave. I came back and they didn't leave. His mother will cry to him and tell him she might as well be dead, crazy drama act, and he gives in too. She knows that doesn't work with me so she just fusses, fights and nit picks at me until I give up for the sake of peace for the kids. His father is an alcoholic and I've gotten into screaming matches with him when he's drunk and mouthy. For some reason I just can't back down. I will try to avoid and argument at all costs, but I refuse to lose once I'm in it. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of but I know I'm afraid to lose, I fight verbally as if my life depends on it. It's hard to explain. I love people, I'm a people person. Luckily I've got lots of friends on the computer and family I can call. I won't tell you how often I shower, lets just say, it's not as often as I should. I will shower if I have a job or if I have to go somewhere important. I just don't want to and I don't care. I love my children, all of them!!!! I spend time with them doing things on the computer, watching TV in my room and cuddling on my bed, and I help my son with homework. I try to teach them about God whenever I can, I'm still learning myself. I make sure they eat, homework is done, I make sure my son showers before school, puts on deodorant and clean cloths. I make sure he gets out to the bus on time. I make sure he cleans his room and does his chores. I deal with the teacher when there is a problem. All of this I do from my bedroom. Sounded like I was doing pretty good up until that last line huh? My son is in Special Ed and I go to Child study team meetings (once or twice a year) when I request them, but as like everything else, I have had to reschedule b/c I couldn't get in the shower and leave the house that day. My son and I have a counselor who comes to the house. She has said MANY times that she doesn't know what she can teach me b/c I know it all already. Some of this I haven't told her. Partially, I want her to spend most of her time with my son, he deserves her undivided attention. Partially, I'm afraid what she will think of me. Partially, I know the drill. She tries to talk to me about parenting and I finish everything she start to say. She tries to talk to me about coping skills and ... same thing. Yes honey I've read all the literature and been told those "skills" a million times. It's a big old circle, the counselor tells you to talk to the Psychiatrist (maybe you need a med change) and the Psychiatrist tells you that you need counseling. You know what? Skip it! Help the boy. I've attempt suicide MANY times and I've been hospitalized 3 times in the last 4 years. The suicide attempts started when I was a teenager, it was a daily thought. I was pretty creative and some of the story's are actually funny, as hard as that is to believe. I have tried cutting myself, first time was over a year ago. I still think about it sometimes. I burned myself with a cigarette I still think about that too. I used to hit myself in the head with my brush when my hair upset me, I would do it multiple times very hard. I now have long straight hair, I brush it and I'm done. No fussing, ponytail, hair clip or just down straight. The funny thing is, a lot of my friends come to me for advice and they say I've been a big help to them. They say I "always know what to do" and I always "say just the right thing" to make them feel better. I LOVE helping people, I LOVE being there for people. It feels SO good when I make someone feel better. Why can't I do that for myself? I would love to dream of Dr.Phil helping me like some of you do, but I know my problems and my life are FAR too complex and difficult for a one hour show. "What if this IS as good as it gets?" You know what Jacky boy, Maybe it is.

Quote From: layten06

i suffer from post tramatic stress disorder. im suppose to get therapy along with it but cant afford the extra expense so i dont properly take care of myself like i should. im on medication for bipolar and the stress of the past doesnt help my condition. i wonder sometimes how i make it day to day because one day i'll be hyper and happy when i'm experiencing mania and the next day i could be extremely depressed. i did take a bunch of pills once when i thought i wanted to die, but my husband made me throw up the pills, so im still here. my doctor does help ease the pain but i dont see her that often because i cant afford to. i just make excuses to cancel the appointments and i know its wrong.

Quote From: mjkkas

I suffer from PTSD also and I am usually helping others on the boards. Lately however I have sunk bad and deep. I even have DID which is dissociative idintity disorder (multiple personalities). And lately I have been having out of body experiences. It has really been scary for me and I feel that I am just going crazy, literally. I ahve a new therapist that is not helpful so far. But sometimes getting to know someone and trusting them can take time.  

  

I guess that my struggle is that I don't know if I should look for a different one or stick it out, I have a tendency to blame me for everything that is wrong. So knowing if she is not right for me is a struggle. I too have tried to kill myself, twice. No one knew I tried and I was younger and didn't know better. Now I think about dying all the time, but know that my family needs me a lot. 

  

I am not Bipolar, but my step son is and medication is the best thing, he did do counseling for a short time, but has quit both the meds and counseling and is now in jail, hmm... he should see the difference it makes. I don't have Bipolar, I have major depressive disorder and my highs seem to be just depressed and then it is suicidal. I am not on medication, but am seriously considering it again, because of the latest feelings.  Let me know if I can help you with anything, do as I say not as I do. I don't want to be a hypocrit but I do know how you feel, and could share some thoughts with you. 

  

mj 

Quote From: layten06

it seems harder to help yourself than someone else. i tried to help myself recently by deciding to up my medication dose because the other dose wasnt helping. the doctor said she would probaly up it anyway. figured no harm done and today i feel better. i just wish i still didnt have to rely on sleeping pills. it takes more and more each time to knock me out so i can go to work. i dont know how i manage work with my bipolar condition. it has been a real trip lately. i even had two moods at the same time one day. i was manic yet i was thinking about suicide. its all a puzzle to me. i went to college and got a bs in psychology thinking i could treat myself. that didnt work actually it kind of confused me more.all these different illnesses overlap one another. trying looking through the dsm four. ahh! that is a book that experts and psychologists look through to help determine what illness you may have. it seems like if you have one then you have another one. never fails.