Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

I really appreciate you connecting. Yes, I think too that there is a lot of shame. I have experienced that myself. When it was happening, though at the time I was disasociating from it, I still walked around worrying that people were going to find out about me.

 

I too have done and am currently in therapy and it helps me the most. I tried to get by without meds for a time, but about a week after delivering my daughters I was in trouble and needed to get back on them. When they were six months old I checked into the hospital for a couple of days. Being a mom has forced me into another stage of dealing with my feelings about  my mother that has been really difficult.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I don't feel as isolated now. I have read courage to heal but it has been a while.  It sounds as though you too are healing and I am glad to hear that too. I need to be reminded that others like yourself can end the sickness and so can I. I want so much to be a happy, whole person and a great mom to my girls. I wish for peace and light for both of us.

I can relate with the meds and going off for a while.

I guess I have come to realize I may need them the

rest of my life. I have gone off for a while, when I had

my last child but the doctor had to put me back on a

low dose because of my depression getting too bad.

PTSD was really bad.

 

I still have problems "feeling", I have dissociated for

so long that it is hard to not fall into that habit over

and over again. I used ot post on this board and

the Childhood Sexual Abuse board, but it gets too

hard to function, so I only come here once in a while.

 

I am still dealing and coping, I think it will be a life process.

THat used ot really depress me thinking of it that way,

but it really is, most things have gotten so much better

for me, but I can only work on one area at a time.

 

    

 

 

 

I understand what you mean about it being a process. There is still a part of me that want's to believe that someday I will be completely healed and never again be triggered or be afraid or check out of reality. I want to be able to forgive and have peace in my life and not be so angry so much of the time.

 

I hope you are well. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Hi

I saw that a couple of other people here ahve mentioned being DID/MPD here and I just wanted to say that I have been diagnosed for 14 years and I still struggle everyday.

I just moved cities to get away from my abusers and my alters have been coming on me like a vengance.  One of them in particular Rebbecca a teenager is very mad at me becuase I left my father(my main abuser) and now she has noone to love her.

She gets sex and love confused and feels that if she cnat have sex with him anymore thath he isnt going to love her.

I fear him with my life and when I called home on the weekend to talk to my mom and he answered the phone he knew exactlly what to say to get rebbecca to come out. Not only was he sexually inappropriate with me on the phone but he threatened us and i dont appreciate that.

My mom walked in on the conversation and i assume she heard him on the phone but when he picked up she acted like nothing had happened.

HE has us programmed so well that all he has to do is say certain words and we switch.I am glad I moved away but ti is wearing me and my system out if their is anyone else with DID here who can realte or help please let me know

thanks

ladymozart

 

what made you overcome it all? please tell me as i feel lost in everyway possible right now. email me please, my email address is on my profile, thank you!

My abuse has been traced back to the time when I was in my mothers whoom.  Not a very pleasent place to start life and progress forward.  One mistake after another in my personal life with my professional life being quite sucessful.  Then I married my third husband and that did me in.  I have about 8 disorders from the ordeal and it is said it is surprizing I am still alive. 

 

What changed my life was a woman who told me when I stopped living in fear, I would take back my power and control.  This has been a journey; yet, I give noone power over myself any longer and finally have my life back.

 

I lived in hiding for 1 1/2 yrs in fear of my life and I just took baby steps in going out of the house one step at a time.  Just a moment ago, someone took the garbage out and the top of the dumpster slammed, I screamed.  Somethings will never change; yet, I tolerate no abuse today so I know it is progress not perfection.

 

I hope this is of some help to you dear.  Blessings to you and yours.

I have been struggling with depression for years. I was abused by a neighbor when I was seven. The police didn't believe me, and the psychologist that they sent me to told me to "not talk about it, and it would just go away". When I was thirteen the depression got worse, probably because I started having horrible nightmares. Over the past eight years they have become steadily worse. I tried to tell my mom (when I was thirteen and repeatedly through the years) that I needed counseling, but at the time we couldn't afford it, and she said that (because my only outward sign that I was still dealing with it was the nightmares) she thought she could handle it on her own. That really hurts because I was in ballet for ten years, and my sister took opera lessons. If we couldn't afford counseling, then why were they spending so much money on those lessons. The depression really worsened late last summer. It was so terrible that it felt as though someone was telling to just slam my car into the concrete barrier of the highway. I would never do that, but that fact that I felt that way for even a minute terrified me. I even posted a blog on myspace hoping that someone would read it and realize how bad the depression was. But my family got mad at me for airing "personal issues on the Internet". But I couldn't talk to them, they just get mad and start raising their voices and I can't deal with that. I know its not that they're mad at me, they're just mad at the situation. But I still can't talk to them. A friend helped me get into counseling in October, and it really helped. But I had to quit my job two months ago and had to stop going to see her because the insurance stopped. Now the depression is almost as bad as it was last summer, and I don't know what to do. I need help, but I don't know how to get it.

I feel that no one but another person with DID/MPD can really relate to what goes on in the life of a person suffering with this disorder.

When I was diagnosed in 1990 at the age of 40 I felt a sense of relief of knowing I was not crazy.  I knew from a very early age I was not alone in my mind and the voices I heard had names and personalities with likes and dislikes and contradicted views on life.  When I was told I had to be in therapy for up to 12 years I reacted in disbelief, 12 years seemed a lifetime.  Here we are 17 years later still needing therapy and dealing with a new diagnoses 5 years ago, after a suicide attempt, of having PTSD/DID.  I was declared disabled due to the PTSD and DID.

Things I have learned: STOP THE ABUSE!  REMOVE YOURSELF FROM YOUR ABUSERS AND STOP ALL COMMUNICATIONS WITH THEM.  GET INTO THERAPY WITH A GOOD THERAPIST THAT UNDERSTANDS AND WORKS WITH DID.

The problem:  I had to use County Mental Health Agencies due to my financial stats, thus I have not been able to integrate and I am still fractured.  Most of agencies (3 out of 4) could not or would not treat me for DID.  They would treat the depression and put me on medication.  Put me in the hospital for a quick fix stay (7 days) when the PTSD caught up to me.  I stay in an unfeeling disassociated stage, hiding the others and acting "normal", just to manage my daily life.

We that live with DID/MPD will never be "normal".  The who that you was suppose to be was altered by years or a lifetime of abuse.  Not ever one that had experienced abuse fractures.  Some are killed or go crazy, some become abusers.  We with DID survive using our coping abilities to disassociate.

It makes me sad,

NonnieB

  

 

 

hi!

i hope i'm posting this where the right people will see it?

i run a small support forum for adults who are dealing with either attachment disorder or issues related to early insecure attachment due to adoption, foster care, parental abuse or neglect, etc..

i have found that we all seem to have certain problems in common no matter where we fall on the spectrum, whether fearful/avoidant or full blown rad (reactive attachment disorder).. whether it's depression or anxiety/agoraphobia, self-harm, or difficulty having a connection with others..

we try to support each other in an informal daily chat style as well as going into serious concerns..

anyone who feel they might benefit is welcome to come by and read posts.. it's still a small forum but we hope to get it growing!

thanks for reading this!

 

AD Connection:

http://www.brensgumbyland.com/adconnection_link_page.htm

 

ghost

I was diagnosed with DID 7 years ago.  I'm also on disability.  And, I HATE it!  After 7 years of therapy, I still feel like I just started.  I'm sick of this crap.  Half of the time I don't even believe the diagnosis.  I'm not sure.  I'm scared to think it's true.  I was sexually abused from age 4 to 18.  I hate myself because I didn't do something to make it stop.  I understand with my brain that I was a helpless child, but WHY didn't I tell?  Why?  They said they would kill my mom.  They did kill my dog.  I hate taking medication.  I used to be a successful Social Worker for 8 years.  I was also an elementary school teacher.  I want my life back NOW!  I feel scattered right now.  I just wanted to respond.  Please take care of yourself.  Thanks for sharing Nonnie. 

Darla