Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

You are DEFINITELY not an oddball!!  I was sexually abused by a friend of the family, who was an evangelist.  I wrote to Dr. Phil a few months ago with this same thing.  I haven't received any response back, but let me tell you my story.  I, too, was abused in a few different instances, but the one I have referred to was definitely the worst!  I was about five years old when it started.  I have been saying for about the past year that if my fat was a coat that I could just unzip and take off, and walk out in to the world normal size tomorrow, I don't think I would do it.  It is such a scary thought to me to be THAT vulnerable in a world full of perversion.  Well.....all that is still true for me, and I still battle with it, but two weeks ago I started reading and working the Ultimate Weight Loss Solution, coupling it with my daily Bible study, and honestly, it is the best thing I could have done.  He addresses this VERY issue in his book, even citing a client who felt the VERY same way.  When people start noticing my weight loss, and compliment me, I too have QUIT, BOLTED, RUN just as fast as I could to my fridge. 

Here is what I KNOW to be true for me......when I was 15 years old, I consciously decided that if I could just get DISGUSTING enough to look at, these men would leave me alone...see, not only did this man abuse me, but he told me that I had demons inside me that made these "great men of God" do these horrible things....that will mess with a kid's head!!  BUT....gaining the weight did not shield me from any of these men.  In fact, it made me MORE vulnerable to men who were this way, because they saw me as someone who needed that attention, someone who would just be happy to be looked at....SO....what I learned and keep in the front of my mind is that my weight is actually hurting me, not only health wise, but it is bringing in to my life those very men that I was trying to keep out.  It is especially hard when you have more than one abuser.  It is hard to grasp the "I didn't cause this to happen" statement...but the truth is still the truth....WE DID NOT CAUSE THIS BEHAVIOR...NOTHING we did caused this to happen...it was THEM, and THEIR freewill......and the demonic forces ruling their decisions....

Also, I know this.....I refuse to let myself live ONE MORE DAY being victimized by these men....in fact, I refuse to live one more day victimizing myself....My abusers are all dead now....and look who is STILL paying for it??  I will NOT let them win....they have had enough control over my life.  Their RULE is OVER in my life......

My pastor gave me a very good response to use when people start to compliment me on my weight loss.  He said just tell them, "Thank you, the Lord is really helping me to stay with it this time."  That takes ALL the focus off me, and puts it right where I want it to be.  Dr. Phil is great, and I thank God for him and his wisdom, but without Jesus, I STILL would not be able to put this plan in to action and stay with it.

I have been LOVING myself through healthier eating since July 5th....not a terribly long time, but longer than I have made it on any other plan in MANY MANY years....ONE DAY AT A TIME, I am doing this....I am not worrying about my reaction when it starts to be noticeable.....sure, I think about it, but that will just be the day I am working the program at that time....nothing new or special, just another day, working the steps, following the plan.....After all, isn't that really all we have control over anyhow?? 

You are very lucky to have a husband who stands behind you and supports you....You can do this....WE can do this.....Start now, reading Dr. Phil's book and putting the keys in to practice, and when the day comes that the results start to be evident, TRUST YOURSELF to be okay....have a plan in place before it happens, so that when it does, your response is healthy and automatic....

We can do this together if you want.....I need all the support I can get, and I will encourage you any way I can......we need to do this for ourselves, but we also need to do this to show VICTORY over our abuse....we are not abuse victims, we are not survivors of abuse, we are OVERCOMERS by the blood of the Lamb and the testimony of our mouthes.....I intend to show the WORLD that I am an overcomer....that I am living above my past....and that there is life, and hope, and love, and peace, and joy, and yes, health.....after abuse!!  :) 

Sorry, didn't mean to write an epistle!! :)  LOL      Gina

There are more books today on abuse that one can be overwhelmed.  What I did was I went to God with issues of abuse.  I was married for 11 years to an emotional, verbal and mental abuser.  Today he is remarried and I am stil single and loving every minute.  I've been divorced for 11 years now.  No one person can get  you through.  You need to talk to people and let each person share their advice on how to cope with abuse.  No matter it be mental or physical, each person you open up to will have something you can walk away with that will help you put all the pieces together.  My mose important advice I can give is, as hard as it is to accept this, don't expect to be  healed soon.  It will take years and that is a good thing.  I prayed to God and offered to Him my emotions and feelings and thoughts and He in turn, by my obediance to give my life to Him, made all the past hurts able to bear.  We will not ever, ever forget what the other person has done to us.  That is your second acceptance. That is hard to overcome.  But it is possible.  If you look at your life and ask yourself "where am I today and what am I doing about it?" you might find that starting to live life because you deserve to and that is what  God has made you for, and begin the path of confronting your emotions, being honest with God and learning to quote a scripture passage instead of "why me, it's not fair, I'm hurting, Im depressed," but to say out loud, "God has not given me a Spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  A sound mind.  That is what God has given you and yes, someone else has hurt that.  But don't let your past hurts win your day.  Each day is a new start to wake up and tell yourself that it's ok to cry, but not forever.  It's ok to feel sad, but not because of pity.  And it's ok to go forward and live the life  you have been blessed with.  God does not give us this life for ourselves, but sometimes He allows things to happen because He knows, somewhere, down the line in life, you will meet someone who is going through what you did and what better thing to give someone than a knowing shoulder to cry up and the joy it brings YOU when you can say "I know how you feel."   Then you have been to them what someone else has been for you.....many years ago.

Take a stand and stop the negative voices in your head and the hurt in your heart.  Change them to Godly scripture and one day you will be looking back at the past 10 years, saying you are far from overcomming and full of peace.  Along this path....forgive.  Love your enemy as hurtful as it sounds, because not forgiving is like walking along a beach and having a seagull poop on your nose.  You look up and shake your fist at the bird and say "I'm not going to wipe this off my nose until you come down here and say your sorry."  You know...it will NEVER happen. So, wipe the poop of, wash your face, stand back up and continue on that walk on the beach where you were.  May God bless you and give you just enough light for the step you are on.  A good book to help you:  Victory Over the Darkness.

Im 46 and have been free of abuse now for 2 years. My abuse started with my mother at 5 and it has taken 3 abusive husbands later to finally stop me and work on me. Love me take care of me be a little bit selfish but its all good. i wasted alot of time on men who i allowed to abuse me and now  i am putting that same amount of effort that i put into my abusive relationships into me as i am important and worth it. i get down lots but i pick myself up dust myself off and start again, but when i start again its one step further than i was before. keep loving myself and learning about myself everyday and trust me now to make the right choices. i have 4 grown up kids 2 of which have been in abusive relationships 2 who have chosen to break the cycle, i can only hope that the other 2 can come through and break this horrible cycle too. dont give up your worth it and dont forget it either.   cheers oj

Anyone out there with any suggestions, comments, helpful advice on how to help someone who is in a bad or maybe abusive situation now?

My story:  My daughter had a wild summer after graduating high school and came home pregnant just before she started college.  I told her I would try to help her through school because she would need it more now with a child on the way.  We live in a small town and my mother and older daughter who is handicapped live just a few blocks away.  We all agreed to help all we could.  She did great in school and had her son.  He had health problems, seizures and breathing problems, when he was born so I told her I would support them for a year while she went to school and spent as much time with him as she could.  A lot of the health problems were resolved and she went to work part-time and continued in school full-time.  She was doing great in school, enjoyed her job, had friends she socialized with, and was a good mother.  Andrew was the sweetest baby and grew into the most helpful and well behaved little boy.  He loves ball and enjoyed going on walks with his great-grandma (Nanaw).  He would help with laundry, dishes, putting his toys up, and take the trash out. He’s now 4 years old.  He just always enjoyed life wherever he was or whatever he was doing.  My daughter met a man, Davis, in April of this year and began dating.  She refused to let him meet me because she said I was too judgmental and he drank every day.  She said he was not an alcoholic, but he liked to drink and I would not like that.  She changed the way she dressed.  She was always fairly conservative in her dress compared to her friends, but she did not wear sleeves, even in the winter, because she was so hot natured.  She no longer wore short sleeves, v-necks, skirts, or dresses above the knee.  Her attitude became aggressive and mean.  One day she just became angry and started hitting her son, on the buttocks and legs.  I got in between them and asked her to leave, she did.  This was a shock because she had never hit him.  She did not believe in spanking children, but she was really hitting him.  When she came home later I tried to talk to her, but she told me that her and Davis was going to raise Andrew the way they wanted to, and it was none of my business.  I told her that Davis was not his father, in fact, she had only known him a short while and Andrew was none of his business.  That was the end of my daughter and I.  She started stealing from me.  I would buy $100 of groceries and come home and they would all be gone.  She said that I was supposed to support her, she’s 23, and she took them to Davis’ because that is where she eats.  I told her that I did not owe her anything and I certainly did not owe Davis anything.  I also told her that if she ate at home that was fine, but if she ate somewhere else that was her problem.  She started charging things on my credit card without my knowledge.  Her name was on it, but she had never charged anything without letting me know and asking if it was okay.  I had trusted her, now I couldn’t.  She started putting Andrew to bed at 8:30 telling me he had to have a strict bedtime, he always went to bed around 9:30 or 10:00 because of the hours we worked, and we never put him to bed and just demanded he lay there.  If he wanted to get up and get something to eat or drink , that was fine.  He was always tired at the end of the day and went to bed willingly.  But now she was demanding a set bed time, but the next night she would come home at midnight and drag him out of bed and down to Davis’ crying.  He would beg her to let him stay home and sleep and she would tell him Davis wanted to see him.  She would tell him he needed to act better because Davis did not like the way he acted.  It was just crazy the total change in her, but also the fact that we had raised Andrew with no anger and all of a sudden her whole parenting had changed to yelling, screaming, demanding, and hitting.  One night I went to work and came home and found her moving (June 10, and she met this man in April).  She had never paid a bill at my house, never bought anything for her son, not clothes, toys, or food.  When she moved she had taken my towels, sheets, cleaning supplies, groceries, furniture that definitely was not hers, dishes, shampoo (6 bottles), and cleaned my bank account out.  I was shocked.  She also took every piece of clothing Andrew owned, all of his furniture, but not one toy.  She did not take his books, cars, balls, colors, paints, nothing for him!!  She brought Andrew to me to babysit the next morning @ 6:30 a.m. and I kept him until 3:00 and I went to work until midnight.  The next two days I was off work and she refused to allow me to see him.  Then I babysit the next three days while she worked.  He would scream he did not want to go to Davis’ when she picked him up.  He missed her, he just did not want to go there.  She began lying and telling him they weren’t going to Davis’ and he would happily walk out the door with her, but then they would go right to Davis’. Then she left him with me for 9 days.  She would either call or come by to see him for a few minutes every day or two, but she was so hateful to him he just started crying when he would see her come.  He would beg not to go with her and I later found out she did not take him because Davis had his five children and she didn’t want to deal with Andrew and them.  She picked him up finally and took him for the night.  I had him a few hours the next day.  My oldest daughter and I took him to McDonald’s and we played in the play area for about an hour, then went to my mothers’.  When we went to leave McDonald’s I realized he had had a bowel movement in his pants.  I told him we would take a bath at nanaw’s.  When we got to my mothers’ he talked to her a few minutes and I told him come on let’s go take a bath and change clothes.  He laid down on the floor and kicked me in the stomach, screaming please don’t take me in that room.  He hit, kicked, screamed and begged me not to take him in the bathroom for 20 minutes while we tried to calm him down and find out what was wrong.  Finally my mother, my oldest daughter, Andrew, and I went to the bathroom and he took a bath with all of us in there he seemed to calm down.  He never would say why he was so upset, but this just wasn’t like him.  It just broke my heart, and I tried to talk to my daughter calmly when she came to get him.  She told me to mind my own business, but her and Davis would straighten him out!  That was June 26th.  She has refused to allow my mother, myself, or my older daughter to see him since that time.  I called Child Help and they advised me to not make any report unless I knew there was abuse because it would just seem like a nosy grandmother.  People have told me that he asks to go home to Nanny (me) and she tells him he does not have a nanny and he does not have a home.  She does not allow him to see anyone he knew before she moved.  She has her dad babysit, which she never allowed because of mental problems and he has had problems with young girls.  She has isolated him from everyone that he knows and cares about him.  Maybe I am a nosy grandma, but I have been his main caregiver, his security, and his home.  It would not have bothered me for her to move out under good conditions, but this is really scary.  She has now flunked out of college in her last semester for her bachelor’s degree.  She had a 3.16 and a 3.87 in her major, now she has just quit.  Her boyfriend was evicted from his home this week and I just do not see anything good in this situation.  Those of you that have been abused, can you tell me anything I could do that might have helped you?  Any suggestions on what to do?, where to go?, who to talk to?  Legal advice?, I would like any suggestions anyone has.  I have little money, I work for $6.75 an hour and struggle to make it, especially after trying to help her get through college.  But if there is any suggestions I would try anything.  My daughter and I have always been extremely close, but this person is someone I just do not know.  I care what is happening to her, but I feel like she chose this, Andrew did not.

You have to get in contact with child protective services imediatly!

Tell them everything that has happined and what the circumstances are for this little boy!

You are absolutly correct in believing that she made a descision good or bad, right or wrong for herself, but it is very apparent that she did not make the right choice for her child and he is paying a seriously tragic price.

Let the worker that you speak to know that you are willing and able to give the child a safe and secure home, and have done so for all his short life.

Do it today!

Please let me know how things go for you and this little boy, this is a terrible thing to be happening to him.

HUGS

Tammy

I am so tired of not being listened to, of feeling like a liar because no one wants to believe me. No one wants to believe that their brother, father, uncle ect would do something like that. I am sick of hearing just get over it, stop thinking about it. ( as if that is all I do all day is think about the abuse)  When I have flashbacks I have no choice in the matter. I am tired of feeling like a weak person, like I am damaged goods, like I will never be okay and happy. I am tired of carrying around an extra 100 pounds to protect me.( Like that really worked anyway) But I can't seem to let it go. I can't figure out what is my payoff for keeping the weight so I could fix it. I guess I am just wanting people to know how much damage has been done to me and how much I hurt. I just want that ackowledged by my family. I am not okay. No one wants to deal with me. They can't deal with what happened to me so can I still heal?   It has been 11 years since I told my family and friends what my father did to me and no one will talk about it.( That was in the past honey and if your father can forgive you for saying all of those lies about him why can't you get over it.) I know I am the only one who can make the choices to help myself heal. I am not blaming what others don't do for not feeling better about my  life.  I just don't think people know or understand  or care to learn more so they could understand how bad it is for abuse victims.  

Thanks for listening.