Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

Good for you girl. I think what you are doing is commendable. I also thought of doing what you are going to school for. I know that with your back ground you will be a great advocate and be able to understand more how an abused childs mind works. You GO Girl!

Bravo young lady.  Your strength is admirable.  You will be a terrific role mold to young people, and old alike.   There needs to a way to put a stop to abuse!!!   But it is such a horrific act that most times it is ignored, or never spoken of.    Stick with it.   The more you talk about it the easier it is to deal with.  I'm a surviver myself.  But at  the hands of my father and was also gang rapped in high school.   I have been seeing a therapist off and on since I was 12 yrs old.  But that's what happens when you have know one to turn to.   Keep up the good work and stay strong,  there are angels on your shoulders and they will help lift you up when your down.  Check out my poem on the depression board.  Called day by day

 

bobbi416

Hello their,, Hey DID YOU know that when you are cutting you are cutting me also,, THIS HURTS me tooooo.       You have made it this far and we are here as someone that LOVES YA.    I am new this is my first so I dont know what happened to you other than too much pain for you to bare,  I at one time was burning myself, because I was so tired of fussing and fighting and hurt because the person didnt even know the true me... I cried so much and I got really scared that this one person I knew I couldn't win if I attacked,  You see I am a fighter and I stay in charge of anyone that came into my house, but I KNEW a fear,,  that was for myself,,   If someone else was being hurt I know no weakness,, I WILL win  and protect anyone...       The healing was ,,,,,I knew I had to leave this person,,,,,, and I did and have never hurt myself again..

           I was raped by 2  boys 16,, and I was 7,, I have had every kind of abuse and pain,, I suffer p.t.s.  I have flashbacks,, that wake me up,,,, I was told to go into the flashback and change it,,,  We have the power now,  We can make our hell into something we want to put in our minds,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I do care .....only you can love yourself....

        Change the razor to a scented lotion that you like to smell and close your eyes and just enjoy that moment,, til it grows into a flower for you. AND this is your new habit.

     You say you found someone that has the same traits like your Dad and brother,, because that was comfortable,, what you are used to.... 

      The Dr was way in the wrong to led you to think that it was your fault,,, but did you ask to be sure that was what was being said???   Sometimes we feel all we do is the wrong thing,    and you could take it as a blessing that it just wasnt  the right  person for you to be healing with,,, everyone is just a human being.

      so if your husband is being like them, anger and controling,, you say you become the victim, and take it out on your husband,,                            if he is being controling then yea your gonna lash out, because you couldnt when you were little,, and it sounds like you dont want to be controled,  but then no adult needs to be controled,, and or you with him.    Habits are the hardest to break.   

      people know when a fight is ready to break out ,  If the two of you really dont want to hurt each other  then DONT  take a time out,   WE"RE adults and can be in control of our pain and lashing out ,,  It is hard because we not used to it,, But with ALL things practice makes perfect,, Its not giving in or being the meaner or toughter,, its being the softer, giver, healing,,   turn everything off  and soften the house up light a candle or just a lamp,  if you have a water  fountain, take time to hear it, then  both of you write down what your fear is at the moment,,     If you truly want to heal  be honest with your writing,  give it to each other like it was a flower.      Life is just so short for added more  pain into your lives,,  be kind with the rest of your life.  It does take work to heal ,, But so does anything that we want we have to work for it,, so why not our love and growing???                                                                                                                                                        (( I'm 54 and I have been the strong one and take NO lip from no man or anything else, I would put him down real quick physically,  and I know it takes along time to be soft, I still have to catch myself and look at him and see that he is not the one that hurt me    It may sound silly but I bought me a cloth hankerchift and think of the days when men were men and woman were woman,, If I feel a rage coming on then I get it out and l think a minute, its my time out.                    Tho the man I am with now is a blessing he is so calm and understanding,, he is a very tender person, I am not I hide my softness, fear I will lose control and not feel in charge,, But I dont have to be its ok   BUT it is work I am 54 and its a old habit of pretection,   I was 13 and was taught to fight and kill with one finger or I got beat harder,, so I dont fight, I have never fit a woman but I have lots of men, I will stop and jump in when any one is getting hurt,, I have no fear,, I will save the tender one,    People can be saved but we have to do it our self,, NO ONE else saves, we have to do it our selves,, because no one knows what time holds for us  and when and how long we will be on this earth,,  So let the rest of your lives be in peace,,   RETRAIN the BRAIN,

      I am not comfortable feeling happiness yet, but I am sure going to give it my all,, and the feeling is soooo new that it is scarey.  but it sure feels good. I am still in counceling, so it is a work out. BUT CAN DO...  LOVE AND BE KIND TO YOUR SELVES.

Above all if their are children,,,  this is not what you all want for them,,  They cant get away from it,, You will be doing the same harm to them that we lived.............................Love them be strong for T HEM.

GIVE A FLOWER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I love the smell of Autumn.  It makes me so nostalgic.  I remember the crisp quality of the air, the static when touching another human being, the array of colours, all of my favorites- brown, yellow, red.  I love them smell of wood burning in chimneys as you pass houses on the street.  It reminds me of times gone by.  Some things good, some things bad.  I often think in abstract ways.  Partly from my upbringing, partly just because thats me. 

 

The sound of the trees moving in the wind combined with the sensation of the cool wind on my cheek brings me back to when I was younger.  This isnt necessarily a good thing, but it is what it is.  I try very hard not to remember.  The crying, the screams, the pain.  The hopeless knowledge that no one was going to stop it, no one  was going to save me because I would never tell.

 

I used to write poetry when I was young.  i dont know that it was any good, just that I wrote it, and to me, it was profound.  If only life was as simple as when I was a child.  So poetic.  Everything was a pattern and everything was destiny.  I used to tell myself, just get through this, one day it will be over.

 

When will it be over?  I don't think it ever really will be.  All that life is, is getting through this moment and waiting for the next. 

 

I do love Autumn...   Although i don't love what it always brings, memories.   Memories can be dangerous things.  I spend alot of energy on them.  I picture them in my head as amorphous sheets that I put into boxes and then shove deep deep down inside my mind.  Strange huh?  I know.  But that is how I picture them, that is how I have coped all these years with what he did.  But then Autumn comes, with it's smells of smoke and sounds of leaves rushing in the wind...They open the boxes so carefully constructed. 

 

Does anyone ever get afraid for no reason?  Just randomly scared, and you know there may be a logical reason, you know that there are 'triggers'.  But don't think too hard on that, quick, quick, change your thoughts, shut that box, quick, quick.  Before we remember. We can't remember.

 

So every year, I smell the chimneys, I hear the leaves, I feel the crisp beautiful wind and see the splendid browns and yellow and reds, all of which are my favorite colours.  And I remember, I used to write poetry, maybe not well, but I thought it was profound.

Well I know this pain is unbearable. I don't know how much more I can take. I have changed therapist again. I think that this is good. I don't blame anyone but myself. I know that I have caused most of this on myself. I know that I was a bad child and deserve all of this. How could anyone love or care about a person like me. It doesn't matter because I can't feel love anyway. I don't blame my therapist because he was very nice to me. It is just me. I didn't think he cared about me so I left even though I feel this way about everyone. I guess I thought he was tired of me coming every week. Maybe I am suppose to die with this pain. I don't like anyone looking at me because I am ugly and dirty. My head and chest hurts a lot. I always feel alone and lost sometimes. I keep this all locked up inside of me. I am afraid to release this because I am afraid that I might lose my mind and lose control. No one wants to help me or maybe no one can help me.

I need to know how to protect my child.........I was married for 2 years and my daughter was just over one year old when I got a horrifying phone call. My husbands father called him to confront him. His 14 year old sister had apparently just confessed that my husband had molested her once when she was 7 years old (my husband would have been 21). I talked with her and believe that she is telling the truth. She said she felt I needed to know because she wanted me to "watch out" for our daughter.

 

Well I left him, this was 4 months ago, moved 1300 miles away, and now live with my parents. I havent told my parents, because his parents have asked me not to tell anyone (especially my parents). This is hard for me because I have always been close with my parents, but I also know that my fathers reaction may not be the best for my daughter.

 

Now that I have left he wants to move here to be closer to our daughter. I do not want him to have unsupervised visitation with her, but I am told it is very hard for the court to grant only supervised visits. I doubt that his parents will allow his sister to testify against him, since they are trying to keep this whole thing under a rug. They also want me to allow him to have unsupervised and even overnight visits, of course they also think that I should go back to him.

 

I am not sure how I can get the state to only allow supervised visits if she will not testify against him. However, I do have a fuzzy tape recording of a conversation I had with her about this issue where she said he molested her.

 

I have reviewed the warning signs of sexual predators and he does currently fit most of the warnings. It terrifies me to think that she may have to be alone with him, and it has even come to the point of thinking that maybe I should go back to him because then he couldnt have visits away from me, and I would at least be there to ensure nothing happens.

 

I really need to know what I can do to keep her safe?

If you post this over on the abuse board, there are several REALLY smart ladies that have an unbelievable well of knowledge to help you with this exact kind of problem and support you through out.  People check in every day there as well.

 

I am not too sure on your laws, and its 3am right now, but I would like to post some answers for you at a later date.  You do have options.

 

Praying for you nonetheless,

Anita

and having a tough time as to where to post it. .

 

I have also realized that the terrible twos are created by our willing them to our way, breaking their fiercely indepent wills for their do as we expect of them  rather than our live in honour and respect their sense of being . in any case, here goes

 

poverty is still a state of mind
it is about our soulAttitude towards life

had a friend who with all good intentions
moved to a supposedly poverty struck country
to teach them his skills and found himself learn
about the richness and joy the family life
their sense of community and support
for one another, with always having time
to heal a hurt and making nuff music
to set your feet a dancing

poverty is being ordered around
poverty is being buckled up and driven around
as others keep their schedule
its being woke up from your sleep
never letting your mind finish the tasks it tends to
while we are asleep as once, in this dream state
on having been conceived and it took nine months
to catch our first breath and stretch stretch stretch
as every baby does to limber itself up and muscle in
on all it learns do as its developMend continues

poverty is a child not give its mother's breast
and be nourished by the food ever so specifically designed
with it in mind, for strenghtening its immune system
wrap your off spring in the loving touch
those who we so welcomed with open arms
as being a miracle . . . and soon cast aside mid words
of I love you's replacing our being there , being present
instilling our values, sharing our presence

poverty is feeling lost . . being depressed and handed a bottle a pills
to numb you to your pain instead of letting yourself tear through all
which has you sorrow about life's no longer working for you

poverty is believing that if you haven't got a certain
be it a fancy pair of blue jeans from The Gap or an Osh Kosh kid
and sorry, know even I is years behind the time since all the latest
which has come on line, the in thing, the drug thats driv by advertizing
as to what will have us rate in another's eyes

its all an illusion, like our thinking we can protect ourselves
by arming our selves with the weapons of war

i think the more we try to protect ourselves the morevulnerable we become
at our focus more and more on less and less and so creating ever grander holes
in the fabric of life, the sense of communty which leaves us open to dealing
with any give
and yes, begining to feel like it finally time to stop and shake me head
on remembering all those who asked a simple question, even even that
and were soon snowed under by such a hype of ansers

can only wish
this messiPanic pillGRIMage falls way easy
as summer leaves the maples coat of many colours
lets loose as once it did its wingnuts whirly birds
and flutterbyes on trusting the wind will carry
their spin from the dizzying heights
of nature's arming earth with a heavenly shady deal
for long as needed and letting the evergreen
needling heaven to earth year round
take
their inspiring stand
boughs bend
as if in prayer
beneath a snow white coverlet
of such unimaginabe cryStall icing beauty
it takes your breath away

we brush it aside, we plough it away
because the busyness of making money
has left people so poverty struck

there is no time to catch your breath
no time, to hear your feet crunch in the snow
with every step we take

no jingle bells as the horse in front of the buggy

carryes us home after a night of merry mend

 

bythe way, since Columbine, I have been a strong advocate of half of each schoold day ought be devoted to instilling a happy whole some sense of self, begun with making a lot of music, since it sparks off a happy healing. . . in fact, in heaven, the only discipline is making music where ever so much as hint of trouble brews. . . for we are about what we focus on, and any child knows it oops, done wrong, by our reaction to. . . this is nuff to have them no, no need put them on the spot. . and belittle them . . . heaven lies buried beneath the layers of busyness. .  ony have to dye our ways, and plant flowers at our feet for letting the sweet scents of success flower at our feetl.