Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

     You say you found someone that has the same traits like your Dad and brother,, because that was comfortable,, what you are used to.... 

      The Dr was way in the wrong to led you to think that it was your fault,,, but did you ask to be sure that was what was being said???   Sometimes we feel all we do is the wrong thing,    and you could take it as a blessing that it just wasnt  the right  person for you to be healing with,,, everyone is just a human being.

      so if your husband is being like them, anger and controling,, you say you become the victim, and take it out on your husband,,                            if he is being controling then yea your gonna lash out, because you couldnt when you were little,, and it sounds like you dont want to be controled,  but then no adult needs to be controled,, and or you with him.    Habits are the hardest to break.   

      people know when a fight is ready to break out ,  If the two of you really dont want to hurt each other  then DONT  take a time out,   WE"RE adults and can be in control of our pain and lashing out ,,  It is hard because we not used to it,, But with ALL things practice makes perfect,, Its not giving in or being the meaner or toughter,, its being the softer, giver, healing,,   turn everything off  and soften the house up light a candle or just a lamp,  if you have a water  fountain, take time to hear it, then  both of you write down what your fear is at the moment,,     If you truly want to heal  be honest with your writing,  give it to each other like it was a flower.      Life is just so short for added more  pain into your lives,,  be kind with the rest of your life.  It does take work to heal ,, But so does anything that we want we have to work for it,, so why not our love and growing???                                                                                                                                                        (( I'm 54 and I have been the strong one and take NO lip from no man or anything else, I would put him down real quick physically,  and I know it takes along time to be soft, I still have to catch myself and look at him and see that he is not the one that hurt me    It may sound silly but I bought me a cloth hankerchift and think of the days when men were men and woman were woman,, If I feel a rage coming on then I get it out and l think a minute, its my time out.                    Tho the man I am with now is a blessing he is so calm and understanding,, he is a very tender person, I am not I hide my softness, fear I will lose control and not feel in charge,, But I dont have to be its ok   BUT it is work I am 54 and its a old habit of pretection,   I was 13 and was taught to fight and kill with one finger or I got beat harder,, so I dont fight, I have never fit a woman but I have lots of men, I will stop and jump in when any one is getting hurt,, I have no fear,, I will save the tender one,    People can be saved but we have to do it our self,, NO ONE else saves, we have to do it our selves,, because no one knows what time holds for us  and when and how long we will be on this earth,,  So let the rest of your lives be in peace,,   RETRAIN the BRAIN,

      I am not comfortable feeling happiness yet, but I am sure going to give it my all,, and the feeling is soooo new that it is scarey.  but it sure feels good. I am still in counceling, so it is a work out. BUT CAN DO...  LOVE AND BE KIND TO YOUR SELVES.

Above all if their are children,,,  this is not what you all want for them,,  They cant get away from it,, You will be doing the same harm to them that we lived.............................Love them be strong for T HEM.

GIVE A FLOWER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I love the smell of Autumn.  It makes me so nostalgic.  I remember the crisp quality of the air, the static when touching another human being, the array of colours, all of my favorites- brown, yellow, red.  I love them smell of wood burning in chimneys as you pass houses on the street.  It reminds me of times gone by.  Some things good, some things bad.  I often think in abstract ways.  Partly from my upbringing, partly just because thats me. 

 

The sound of the trees moving in the wind combined with the sensation of the cool wind on my cheek brings me back to when I was younger.  This isnt necessarily a good thing, but it is what it is.  I try very hard not to remember.  The crying, the screams, the pain.  The hopeless knowledge that no one was going to stop it, no one  was going to save me because I would never tell.

 

I used to write poetry when I was young.  i dont know that it was any good, just that I wrote it, and to me, it was profound.  If only life was as simple as when I was a child.  So poetic.  Everything was a pattern and everything was destiny.  I used to tell myself, just get through this, one day it will be over.

 

When will it be over?  I don't think it ever really will be.  All that life is, is getting through this moment and waiting for the next. 

 

I do love Autumn...   Although i don't love what it always brings, memories.   Memories can be dangerous things.  I spend alot of energy on them.  I picture them in my head as amorphous sheets that I put into boxes and then shove deep deep down inside my mind.  Strange huh?  I know.  But that is how I picture them, that is how I have coped all these years with what he did.  But then Autumn comes, with it's smells of smoke and sounds of leaves rushing in the wind...They open the boxes so carefully constructed. 

 

Does anyone ever get afraid for no reason?  Just randomly scared, and you know there may be a logical reason, you know that there are 'triggers'.  But don't think too hard on that, quick, quick, change your thoughts, shut that box, quick, quick.  Before we remember. We can't remember.

 

So every year, I smell the chimneys, I hear the leaves, I feel the crisp beautiful wind and see the splendid browns and yellow and reds, all of which are my favorite colours.  And I remember, I used to write poetry, maybe not well, but I thought it was profound.

Well I know this pain is unbearable. I don't know how much more I can take. I have changed therapist again. I think that this is good. I don't blame anyone but myself. I know that I have caused most of this on myself. I know that I was a bad child and deserve all of this. How could anyone love or care about a person like me. It doesn't matter because I can't feel love anyway. I don't blame my therapist because he was very nice to me. It is just me. I didn't think he cared about me so I left even though I feel this way about everyone. I guess I thought he was tired of me coming every week. Maybe I am suppose to die with this pain. I don't like anyone looking at me because I am ugly and dirty. My head and chest hurts a lot. I always feel alone and lost sometimes. I keep this all locked up inside of me. I am afraid to release this because I am afraid that I might lose my mind and lose control. No one wants to help me or maybe no one can help me.

I need to know how to protect my child.........I was married for 2 years and my daughter was just over one year old when I got a horrifying phone call. My husbands father called him to confront him. His 14 year old sister had apparently just confessed that my husband had molested her once when she was 7 years old (my husband would have been 21). I talked with her and believe that she is telling the truth. She said she felt I needed to know because she wanted me to "watch out" for our daughter.

 

Well I left him, this was 4 months ago, moved 1300 miles away, and now live with my parents. I havent told my parents, because his parents have asked me not to tell anyone (especially my parents). This is hard for me because I have always been close with my parents, but I also know that my fathers reaction may not be the best for my daughter.

 

Now that I have left he wants to move here to be closer to our daughter. I do not want him to have unsupervised visitation with her, but I am told it is very hard for the court to grant only supervised visits. I doubt that his parents will allow his sister to testify against him, since they are trying to keep this whole thing under a rug. They also want me to allow him to have unsupervised and even overnight visits, of course they also think that I should go back to him.

 

I am not sure how I can get the state to only allow supervised visits if she will not testify against him. However, I do have a fuzzy tape recording of a conversation I had with her about this issue where she said he molested her.

 

I have reviewed the warning signs of sexual predators and he does currently fit most of the warnings. It terrifies me to think that she may have to be alone with him, and it has even come to the point of thinking that maybe I should go back to him because then he couldnt have visits away from me, and I would at least be there to ensure nothing happens.

 

I really need to know what I can do to keep her safe?

If you post this over on the abuse board, there are several REALLY smart ladies that have an unbelievable well of knowledge to help you with this exact kind of problem and support you through out.  People check in every day there as well.

 

I am not too sure on your laws, and its 3am right now, but I would like to post some answers for you at a later date.  You do have options.

 

Praying for you nonetheless,

Anita

and having a tough time as to where to post it. .

 

I have also realized that the terrible twos are created by our willing them to our way, breaking their fiercely indepent wills for their do as we expect of them  rather than our live in honour and respect their sense of being . in any case, here goes

 

poverty is still a state of mind
it is about our soulAttitude towards life

had a friend who with all good intentions
moved to a supposedly poverty struck country
to teach them his skills and found himself learn
about the richness and joy the family life
their sense of community and support
for one another, with always having time
to heal a hurt and making nuff music
to set your feet a dancing

poverty is being ordered around
poverty is being buckled up and driven around
as others keep their schedule
its being woke up from your sleep
never letting your mind finish the tasks it tends to
while we are asleep as once, in this dream state
on having been conceived and it took nine months
to catch our first breath and stretch stretch stretch
as every baby does to limber itself up and muscle in
on all it learns do as its developMend continues

poverty is a child not give its mother's breast
and be nourished by the food ever so specifically designed
with it in mind, for strenghtening its immune system
wrap your off spring in the loving touch
those who we so welcomed with open arms
as being a miracle . . . and soon cast aside mid words
of I love you's replacing our being there , being present
instilling our values, sharing our presence

poverty is feeling lost . . being depressed and handed a bottle a pills
to numb you to your pain instead of letting yourself tear through all
which has you sorrow about life's no longer working for you

poverty is believing that if you haven't got a certain
be it a fancy pair of blue jeans from The Gap or an Osh Kosh kid
and sorry, know even I is years behind the time since all the latest
which has come on line, the in thing, the drug thats driv by advertizing
as to what will have us rate in another's eyes

its all an illusion, like our thinking we can protect ourselves
by arming our selves with the weapons of war

i think the more we try to protect ourselves the morevulnerable we become
at our focus more and more on less and less and so creating ever grander holes
in the fabric of life, the sense of communty which leaves us open to dealing
with any give
and yes, begining to feel like it finally time to stop and shake me head
on remembering all those who asked a simple question, even even that
and were soon snowed under by such a hype of ansers

can only wish
this messiPanic pillGRIMage falls way easy
as summer leaves the maples coat of many colours
lets loose as once it did its wingnuts whirly birds
and flutterbyes on trusting the wind will carry
their spin from the dizzying heights
of nature's arming earth with a heavenly shady deal
for long as needed and letting the evergreen
needling heaven to earth year round
take
their inspiring stand
boughs bend
as if in prayer
beneath a snow white coverlet
of such unimaginabe cryStall icing beauty
it takes your breath away

we brush it aside, we plough it away
because the busyness of making money
has left people so poverty struck

there is no time to catch your breath
no time, to hear your feet crunch in the snow
with every step we take

no jingle bells as the horse in front of the buggy

carryes us home after a night of merry mend

 

bythe way, since Columbine, I have been a strong advocate of half of each schoold day ought be devoted to instilling a happy whole some sense of self, begun with making a lot of music, since it sparks off a happy healing. . . in fact, in heaven, the only discipline is making music where ever so much as hint of trouble brews. . . for we are about what we focus on, and any child knows it oops, done wrong, by our reaction to. . . this is nuff to have them no, no need put them on the spot. . and belittle them . . . heaven lies buried beneath the layers of busyness. .  ony have to dye our ways, and plant flowers at our feet for letting the sweet scents of success flower at our feetl.

We are certain that if we do not find help for my son-in-law NOW, we will be attending his  funeral before the end of 2007.   First, you need to know that he has not, as long as we have known him, appeared  depressed, suicidal or anything like that outside of normal daily ups and downs. He has had a very traumatic life ( details excluded) but outwardly has been a happy people pleaser who everyone in the family just adores.   Apparently the trauma from his past  finally could be suppressed no longer and nearly 4 months ago my happy, caring, hardworking son-in-law had, out of the blue,  had a severe 'anxiety attack'. Many emergency room  and doctor visits later, we have a diagnosis of PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures).   The reason I am writing is because after only 4 months of  dealing with this disorder, it appears that the diagnosis is nothing more than the start of a countdown to suicide. We have encountered a string of doctors, nurse practitioners, psychiatrists, psychologists and neurologists who appear to have no real clue how to treat him and have opted for prescribing a slew of drugs, increasing and decreasing doses and changing drugs, all of which are causing more problems than they are solving.   I have called every epilepsy center and psychiatric hospital I can find in their area  looking for help but have been told they just don't know anything about the disorder.   When I was looking for a support group I was told by doctors that there are none. After reading about the disorder and learning that aggressive counseling could be key in recovery I questioned the delay in his counseling sessions. I was told that their state was 49th in the country in terms of mental health funding, and if he was seeing a therapist more than once every six weeks he was one of the lucky ones.   Meanwhile, he has become, most days, pretty much non-functional. He has seizures 2, 3, 4, 5 or more times a day depending on the day. He has lost 30+ pounds and can't sleep. He  has tried to go back to work but the attacks make it impossible, His job (and his insurance if he loses his job) and everything he has worked for are slipping away. His wife  has used all of her sick days to care for him but is out and has to be at work to keep her job and keep them afloat. I am thousands of miles away and because of a physical issue cannot travel there to care for him, so for weeks I have called him dozens of times a day to try and help him through seizures and anxiety, but there is only so much I can do or say over the phone.   During attacks he thrashes uncontrollably, cannot speak, moans and cries. It is terrifying for him, and he remembers all of it. He feels very alone.   The reason for this message is because I truly believe that from what I have learned from this experience, there is little help and even less hope for anyone diagnosed with this disorder. I have searched and called and emailed and begged and pleaded for help...to no avail.  The best ( I believe) help I can find is thousands of miles away from him in Rhode Island with Dr. Curt LaFrance at Brown University, who is willing to help but my son-in-law could barely get out the front door, much less make a flight like that. In addition, he could not go alone and his wife could not leave work for the 12 weeks of treatment  the study  would take.   And so now he has come to a crossroads and is contemplating quitting. This past week he planned his suicide. He had the presence of mind to call his NP, who changed his med dosage and told him if he had any more thoughts to be sure and call her. She never called his wife or myself, we only found out when he told her later. From there he has gone down hill at an alarming rate, with more thoughts of suicide, even fighting off the urge to turn the wheel of his car as he struggled to make it the few minutes drive to his job into a concrete barrier. We feel very strongly this is due to  the massive quantities of multiple drugs (Lamictal, Effexor, Xanax, Topomax, Kalonapin, Zoloft, Ambien...plus blood pressure meds and a few others...).   Because he was home alone and in real distress and experiencing suicidal thoughts we decided he needed to be admitted somewhere, but he did not want to be dumped in some psych ward at the city hospital (who can blame him) having already experienced a night there early on in his ordeal. So, we searched and  searched and found that there very few options. The one place  we felt may be suitable is where we finally got him admitted.   So, why am I still looking for help? Because they don't seem to know what to do with him either. He started off in the high functioning psych wing  and after 2 days he was sent into another anxiety attack when it was decided he did not belong there but rather belonged in the trauma ward. The problem there is that it is all female with the exception if himself and one other guy. In addition, there is no bed for him there so he rooms in the psych wing and travels to the other, which is very uncomfortable because it is far away and if he is experiencing anxiety he can't get to his room.   This whole disorder and everyone effected with it has just fallen through the cracks. It is not quite anxiety, not quite epilepsy, not quite a psychiatric case. Nearly every doctor/psychologist /psychiatrist I have spoken has said PNE-what???   The few studies and statistics I can find concerning PNES paint a grim picture of years with no recovery, loss of job, marriage, family...hope.   As a psychologist I Dr. Phil would understand how frightening this must be for those floating aimlessly in a drug induced fog with no sign of a life preserver on the horizon. This is a looming fate for those  who suffer trauma as a child just waiting to come crashing down on them at some point in their adult lives.   This disorder needs a voice, a loud one, that can help those now caught in it's grasp and maybe even more importantly those who inevitably will be. There is no net in place and I am hoping Dr. Phil will help us set one up before we lose my son-on-law and others lose those their loved ones due to ignorance.    I am beyond  frustrated with the system in their state  when it comes to this. I know they have some amazing resources for so many things, including a leading epilepsy center, but they need to expand upon their existing programs to include this disorder, as it is often misdiagnosed and treated as epilepsy for years before a proper diagnosis is made.   This disorder needs an advocate and I believe that advocate should be Dr. Phil. He knows what so many kids go through at the hands of abusers and people need to be informed that without a program in place they will be victimized again by an inadequate healthcare system.   This morning my son-in-law woke up thinking about how he wanted to die. That is unacceptable.

 I would be trying to get him weaned off all of those medications I think they are inducing the symptoms you describe. (With help from a doctor).People believe in the 'theory' that psychaitrists state that depression is only a biochemical imbalance. It is not  a scientifically proven fact. You cannot measure the levels of neurotransmitters in the brain especially not serotonin.

  The biggest problem with believing this theory is that one automatically believes increasing serotonin +/- noradrenaline will correct the imbalance and 'hey presto' the person is not depressed any more. The danger lies in the fact that if you increase the level of serotonin in the brain of a person with adequate serotonin then you induce symptoms such as suicidal thinking and behaviour. I know because it happened to me. Don't believe that it's only a matter of finding the'right drug' because it isn't. If a person is affected by psychotropic drugs (SSRIs) in particular ,medication will worsen the problem. I imagine was he never extensive physical examination prior to commencing on all of these drugs ? Almost every person given these drugs is given no physical investigation.This means physical conditions become masked  in the myriad of side effects caused by the cocktail of meds he is on.

 

I believe that he needs close supervision; to be weaned off all meds; psychological intervention for the PTSD and depression he is suffering and proper physical investigation . Medication has no beneficial effects on PTSD you have to work through it. Ask any Vietnam veteran how much medication helped them !You cannot gain any information from an individual who is so obviously overmedicated. It would be like an ER doctor trying to do an physical examination on patient who has been given a narcotic. Obviously they could not say where it hurt anymore because it wouldn't be hurting while the drug was in effect.

 

Zoloft has long been associated with producing suicidal ideation in countless individuals.Everybody's brain chemistry is different. It is Russion roulette as to whether the medications help or harm you and psychiatrists won't admit that a drug is harming their patient they just adjust the dose , change meds altogether and then if still failing administer disgusting ECT. It is an area of medicine which is extremely poorly researched or regulated. Virtually no psychiatrist will consider taking their patient off medication regardless of what physical harm it is doing. Just look at the number of people who have developed type I diabetes from Zyprexa and hypertension from SSRIs & SNRIs. Not even then will they discontinue the drugs."Gee, they might die from this but at least they might have good mental health !"

 

Look up David Healy's " Halting SSRIs" for further information.  Good luck this will be difficult and take time. I am fully expecting a backlash of replies from those people who avidly believe in trying medication after medication until the day they suicide.I've unfortunately watched that happen to many , many people. I only survived because I got off the meds and worked through my PTSD and depressive issues.

 I cannot change or escape from what happened;  I am altered because of it; so is everyone who has been a part of my life - they just don't know it because I did not know it;  somehow we victims need to come to terms with it and then we can hopefully move on  & become who we should have been.  It is a lonely, scary road and along the way you alienate the people you love the most because we are trying to surive second by second, minute by minute, day by day.....my husband just left because he lost himself trying to fix me...I need to help him and he will not let me....life will always be that way, I come to accept that but, I never thought our love & connection would be lost....