Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

I really thought only I lived with the daily nightmares of the abuse I went threw for years . It started when i was going into grade three and was a weekly thing . Every thursday night my parents went out and every night my brother abused me physically mostly sexually.

When he got violent he became aroused then it turned into a rape . It happened so many times I could never count . I have tried everything to get passed this and decided to write a book maybe that would help and i have been working on it for years. Everytime I get working on it i get physically sick and have to stop. I know i am pulling at memories I have away but really physically sick.

A few years ago my sister told my mom that this had happened under her nose for years and she never knew. (BUT thats a wholle other story in itself)    In a quest to deal with her grief now mom asks me questions about it and I really dont know how to feel about that either .

My brother died when i was 16 which I cant say I was sad about yet he haunts me everyday .

I truely believe thats why I have such a problem with guys ....I dont date because i ATTRACT ABUSERS

I lived threw one and wont make that mistake again.

SO THANKS for letting me babble and if anyone has any suggestions on how to get rid of these ghosts I would welcome it .

I can understand everyone's abuse ,being abused myself....my foster mother denied every thing ,she said her husband would never do that....he apolojized to me ....the next morning i was dropped off at the cps office...when i was about 24 or so i went to oregon to visit my sister and my foster sister ,who i love dearly...i got together with that fostermother and we talked about the molestation ,this is what she said ..........you shouldn't have said anything ,because when i was growing up and my dad was doing that to me .........my mother told us children to just act like it isnt happening...so we all survive but ,we have to learn how to cope and that my dear i have found to be a life long process.....so i will do as you are doing and keep looking for the ghosts to go away.

My name is Sarah Gumm. I am a 21 year old college student who has just recently shared with my family that I was sexually abused for 8 years of my childhood. The sexual abuse started when I was 4 years old by my Great Uncle on my mom's side of the family. It lasted until I was approximately 11 or 12 years old. This has taken its toll on me emotionally, physically, and mentally. I went through a period of cutting myself when I was 13 until I was 18. I was a very frustrated and angry child. I can proudly say I have not cut myself for over 2 years now. I did not tell my secret to any one until I got engaged to my fiancé’, Zach. The reasons why I didn’t tell my secret varies from because I was scared to the fact that my father farmed his farmland. That farm land helped make up 1/3 of our household income. I also did not want to burden my family with this issue and felt it would be better if I just kept it in. However, during premarital counseling I realized that was not a healthy way to live. When I told my parents and family members about the sexual abuse we decided to pursue criminal and civil actions.  In the beginning of the criminal trial we got my uncle, my abuser, to admit to sexually abusing me. He confessed in a letter he wrote to me apologizing for what he did and he also verbally confessed to my mother and to the police; both confessions were recorded!! However, he is pleading not guilty and has drug this trial out for now almost 2 years. I have really good lawyers but he always seems to keep winning. I am frustrated because it seems he is always getting his way; shouldn’t it be the other way around?  I AM the victim HE IS the abuser! He is a wealthy man and I fear he may be doing some 'under-the-table business' with people concerning the case. Not only do I fear that but every one seems to be going easy on him because of his age.  He was 66 when he abused me and is currently 86 years old. I do not feel that he should get an easier punishment, if any thing, I feel he should get a harsher one for he should have known better.  Also, we are not suing him for what he could do in the future but for what he has already done in the past!! I just am so angry because the law has allowed a person who has confessed 3 times of his sexual abuse and yet he is still walking the streets 2 YEARS AFTER it was brought to the authorities’ attention. I am writing you this in hopes that maybe I might be able to shed some light on not only sexual abuse and its effects, but how the justice system seems to deal with offenders, or lack there of.  I am also hoping you could help me in some way, some how, with my case. I have begun to feel that bringing this out into the open has been a mistake due to the lack of results I have seen. I do not want to feel that telling this secret has been pointless, however, I cannot help but to feel that way for I have not seen the law punish him for his crimes he has committed. I want to get some justice; I feel it is only fair. I am permanently scared by his actions and have to live and deal with what has happened to me for the rest of my life. Why should he get off scot-free while I’m having to serve a life sentence?  I do not know what to do any more....

 

UPDATE:

My abuser just got an incompetent to stand trial. Yet again, another let down and this one made me furious. I am furious because he lives on his own, pays his own bills, takes care of himself, drives his own car, goes to dinners with friends, goes to church, and runs his own errands… but yet he is too incompetent to stand trial. If he is incompetent, aren't I? I mean, I do all the things he does. I am so frustrated that no one seems to care about the truth or the fact that a person who has admitted to sexually abusing a 4 year old for 8 years is getting off scott-free. THIS is exactly why people who have been abused do not come forward. This man has admitted to abusing me 4 times and 3 of which are recorded!! Why isn't he in jail? Why is he allowed so many rights while I get none? Why does he get away with this? I feel that there is no justice in this world and people do not care about anyone else but themselves. I didn't come forward with all of this to just get re-victimized and hurt all over again. I didn't come forward with all of this to not get listened to and to not get some justice. I came forward so I could possibly help future victims. I came forward to help myself and those around me. I came forward so I could get justice and closure. And I also came forward with hopes of someday sharing my story. I wanted to share my story so that people would understand that this is a serious issue that has serious effects. With this, I felt it was my last chance to get heard. I appreciate you taking the time to read this...

 

 

Sarah E. Gumm

Hi, Sarah:

You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself and I appreciate the amount of effort and detail you put in your writing. Do I ever! relate to your struggle and frustration. I'm interested to know that there was no statute of limitations on your complaint; what State is this in?

I'm afraid that you'll discount my input because of my mention of God, but please bear with me, I want to share my experience with surviving and living with the memories and effects of childhood (and adulthood)sexual abuse, and not finding justice in my concerted attempts to have the situation dealt with as thoroughly as possible.

I'm a survivor of several abuses; my first one was later than yours, beginning at age 9. I cringe when I think of what happened to you at 4 - on, and the fact that your developmental stage was so early. I'm so sorry! that your life started this way, Sarah. I've never had the opportunity to address the abuses of the first abuser. My mental health has been on a tightrope, daily, for many, many years. But I want to share the most horrible of my abuses, which came to mind while reading your message. This one was not by family, but there was a distinct 'family' relationship; he was a "Christian Counselor". The details would take up pages. I was able to take exception to the statute of limitations on this, filing with the professional organization that oversees his practice. There wasn't licensure at that point, but I got my hearing. Prior to this, I thought I'd totally lose my mind; this hearing became the one thing that kept me alive. The abuse (and the history prior) had led to a lot of sexual acting out, despair and a desire to die. I became a food addict. I struggled with "WHY?!" Over and over and over, believing that, banking on, its answer being what I needed to be encouraged to 'hang in there' and have Hope. Ultimately, I never got my answer. What kept me from suicide were two things: a (then psychotic) belief that I'd be damned if I did it and the belief that there was some chance that I could get beyond this. I'm surprised that I didn't completely disassociate over those long, tortuous years. It nearly killed what faith I had, as you may imagine. Anyway, I  did the hearing with the bonus (huh) of his bringing an attorney and his wife, of all people, who testified against me. They claimed that I was nuts. (And this was years before Fatal Attraction came out). He made a point of completely ignoring me. He even laughed with the board! I look back and think of all of the things that my traumatized memory didn't think to mention. The 'if onlys' went on...if only I remembered those details at the hearing. If only I could confront him. If only they could take away a license. If only I knew if he was destroyed inside, knowing that he ruined my life to protect himself. He did get "probation", and since there was no licensure in those days, that was about it. Since they couldn't "prove" that it happened, they could do no more. It still wasn't enough. I couldn't "just talk!" with him about setting me up and all that had happened. The only thing that I could hang onto for self esteem over the years was that I was still, technically, a virgin. That was my essential key to going on. He took this virginity under a sick twist of our relationship, which I 'freely gave' at the time. So...I gave him my one mental lifesaver and he ends up saying I'm making it all up and brings his wife to testify against me! I have believing friends who've said that they're amazed that I still believe in God at all. Check this out: I looked the guy up online a year ago and found that he is now licensed, is still married and surrounded by his adult children. His wife founded a religious school shortly after the hearing. His son is now the Principal there. I've been fighting for years on a daily basis for my sanity and very life and he's living a great life! Oh, I know what it's like to CRAVE justice and understanding it all and get neither. I begged God constantly, to "just PLEASE tell me why and I can go on, PLEASE make it right, somehow. How can he be living the life he is while I'm sometimes as fragile as I was years ago!" He and I are the only ones who know the truth, and he ain't talking! I finally decided that there really isn't the kind of justice I needed in this world. I finally decided that my only chance was to give up on the constant "why" or it would drive me insane and/or to suicide. THAT TOOK YEARS, and still pops up from time to time. And that's when my faith started kicking in again. I did everything in my power to deal with this and all of the abuses that preceded it and made me vulnerable to it in the first place. I prayed and I agonized in a way that few, perhaps you, Sarah, can understand. I want to make clear that my faith is not my escape from a terrible reality. There is no delusion in this life that would allow me to back out emotionally and still be an authentic, real individual. But I've stopped asking "why" and deal only with the 'what' of everyday life. I do believe that he will receive justice, even if I don't see it happening now. I know that, no matter how diabolical, the truth is inside him and is eating him up inside. And in the ultimate judgement, he'll be facing God with the reality of what he did, if not before. My life is now mine, no longer his. I worked hard to stop obsessing about him and what he's done to me. I focus on my life today, such as it is. I realized that knowing the 'why' wouldn't change my life the way I'd thought it would.  I'm still scarred. I have to take life one day at a time. I hope that others can be encouraged by what I've lived through, and know that they're not alone. I took A LOT of time and A LOT of effort, but I've had to choose to let it go. Completely. What happened to me is now instructive but I don't pretend it never happened. There will never be a full sense of justice for this and the other abuses and what's become of me because of them. But I do think that this is the nature of life on Earth. Nothing is ever really enough. And because of that, I'm grateful that God never gave up on me when I'd given up on Him. I wouldn't wish the life I've lived on my greatest enemy. But it is mine, and the more I live my life, work on my mental health, accept these traumas as part of my lot, I get more authentic and real in my life and find the will to go on and make something out of my life that isn't always in the light of my abuses. I'm unexpressably grateful for God's love while He walks through this with me. One day it'll all make sense. But now, I choose every day no longer dedicating all of my energy into getting an answer that would never really solve it all the way I used to think it would. Thoughts? Judy

I am new to this so bare with me. I been through more than enough stress and abuse than i could ever wish on anyone else. Let's see from the time I was 7 years old til 15 my uncle on my moms side always wanted to feel my breast which hey I kinda figured I was actually getting something there. Everytime I was with him which for some reason I never wanted to not go. The reason being he alway bribed me with buying me something. He would always want to take me to the gas station which you would think if there was one just right down the street we'd go to that on but heck no. At the age of 15 I was with a guy whom was 16 and my uncle wanted to know how I kissed him so I told him. He insisted that I show him with the realy thing. Needless to say at the time this happened we were in my parents back yard while they where only a few feet away. I still not to this day will tell my family nor my mother in fear she will resent me.

That and I heard my mother talking about him afew months ago and he has been having heart trouble.

More to this story at the age 10 I was at a friends house spending the night liek a normal child would and went to bed around 11pm due to thiem having a party and when I went to go to bed awhile after I felt someones hand feel an area that is kept a secret from any man at the young age. I for some reaon just lyed there wishing it would stop but I never moved because I feared that if I did I get it even worse. When it stoped I turn over alittle and noticed leaving it was my friends uncle that did it. I went home the next day and was every distant towards everyone which nobody asked why. I sat in my room for hours until I went to bed. I then just could not sleep and started to cry. I got up and told my mother that I needed to talk to her and she then got out of bed I told her what had happend and she then told me that I was having a nightmare and to go back to sleep. My other uncle got married and low and behold the man who felt me was the guitar player in the wedding band he watched every move I made so I stayed at the table against the wall. Still til this day I have never mentioned it to my family. Although this all happend to me for some reason I have started to turn into a bad person from the ages 13-25 I have slept with more than I can remember including not even remembering their names. At the age of 15 my parents decided that I was getting into alot of trouble and we moved thinking that it would help. I then was introduced to a 21 year old who just went to jail for having sex with a 15 year old. It lasted on and off for 1 year after he shot me with a bebe gun twice for not giving him oral sex. I then met a man who was great I thought and a month after I was pregnant with my daughter and the abuse began. Still til this dy even though I am now married to a wonderful man my ex- boyfriend controls everything. I live in fear that soon one day I will not exist.

 

Any advise to help get over this all

I start counceling pretty soon but my husband is getting frustrated.

I was trying to read the bulletin board out of curiousity. Because I'm a cynic by nature, I think people tend to exaggerate or lie to get attention (mostly because that's what I did). It's very hard to tell the truth.

 

I didn't tell the truth until I after I was hospitalized. It took me almost losing my job - this is after losing my friends, my family and my home. I had no one to turn to. So I decided to dance with a mixture of drugs and alcohol. ... Not that I'm an alcoholic. I was committing suicide, because I had lied for so long, that I didn't even recognize myself. If no one else cared about me, why should I? Right?

 

But I wanted to say, "KUDOS". I mean, I didn't even start looking into relationships until just last year. You know, dating? And I'm 34; there you are, MARRIED. And you're 29.

 

My dad loved porn. He wasn't private about it. My brother practised on me until I was about 15. Had no clue it was wrong. It just was. I know I didn't like it. But he was my older brother, so ...

 

My dad was very violent when he was home. And loud. And negative. And abusive. And arrogant. But he was also depressed. He was raised by two alcoholics and didn't know how to behave any other way. All he knew is that he never wanted to drink. That, to him, was doing the right thing.

 

And he'll swear to this day that we deserved every whipping we got. Even my mother deserved getting her beatings. He says "She deserved it". He calls her 'crazy'. I figure I'm also crazy. Which is true.When I left the hospital, I had a mental diagnosis on me a mile long. I wanted to look into 'mental illness' here just to see what I can learn, but I don't know where to begin!!! It took me about 6 months to exaggerate every diagnosis they gave me before settling for 'okay, at least i'm alive'. Those six moths, I spent going around dramatizing to everyone that I had some incurable mental illness that would keep me lazy for the rest of my life. Now I just take my medication as prescribed.

 

The last test they gave me, I no longer had the 'borderline personality disorder'. I knew this was true, because I wasn't disappointed. Took two years of visits with a psychologist, and ongoing visits with a psychiatrist, but I'm getting there ---

 

--- anyway, my problem is 'lazyness'. Do you get lazy?

 

 

Well, there's no sense in you feeling guilty over this all because you weren't in your right mind. That's what my psychologist told me. I know that made me feel better. There's no sense being disgusted with yourself because you were not the one in control of the situation. There's no sense being angry because that's just handing over your power. "Understanding" is okay. To a very angry person, that might feel a little ... hum ... I know I felt cheated when the word "understanding" was introduced. But understanding is a powerful weapon.

 

There's really nothing here that you won't hear from your councellor. You'll certainly hear more. Tell your husband to be patient. This isn't something someone turns on and off. It's taken me four years so far to get where I'm at and I have very far to go. Don't get down either, life is a journey. The miracle of surviving is the best gift anyone can offer you and you can offer your daughter. Tell your husband that, too. Lord knows, if I had a special someone who didn't understand, he wouldn't last very long as that 'special' someone. But that's just me.

 

Best of luck.

i was born in 1966. single mom, married dad.  i don`t know my dad and hardly knew my mom ( she`s dead today). peace on her.  as a single mom, she tried what she could but then the world don`t give much chances so she ended-up putting me in a place for babies at 9 months old.  by the time i turned 4-5 years old, she had married and have my little brother. she took me back. 1 summer, 1 winter is all i can remember of the time i spent with them until my step dad asked my mom to choose between him or me.  i left. i was 5-6 years old.  i then went through 10 foster families until i was 9.5 years old.  the only time i pretty much seen my mom was when i had to leave because she hasn`t paid them off. then i ended-up in a kid center until i was 1 month short to my 18 birthday.  and all these years, my mom and other family member were around! but it was like i was not existing whatsoever for them. i was lebel as a trouble child with the system. i was not understood at all by whoever. not whatsoever. i felt like a ghost, a number #, i was a file #, not a child. i was not aloud to be a child, i wasn`t their child. i was not aloud to eat the right food, i wasn`t their child. no money for me or even for them so no winter coat and boots, just my shoes and my scarf. molestation, mental and emotional abuse. i lived all my life with this. so you can think that i am very disfonctional as a person.  then as a teen i did some running away. well, often it was ok. but some other time it wasn`t. this is when i got rape more than once by more than one guys at 14 and 17. thank GOD i`m finally over these ones.  i almost got killed in one of those times. i was pregnant too, i found out 2 months after the situation.  i never saw my mom for 4.5 years when i was 10 up to 14.5 years old. i asked for them to look for her. my mom was a streaper, dancer. hard on booze and drugs. she was a such beautifull woman, but destroyed. first by her own parents and then by her own choices. i understand what had happen to her too in her own life as a child, so i don`t hate her. i love her and i`m at peace with her. 

then, me, myself was a mom.  did i take that new role so seriously. i just enjoyed it and love it !!  but i went through an abusive relationship then an other. i went through too many upheavals in my life to tell them all. today i`m 42 years old- in a couple weeks-  i`m still in recovery, but only for the last 6-7 years. i already delt my past prior these years. not all was done as i found out during the last 2.5 years but now it is. i`m a survivor and proud i could do it and  in the same time understanding the hardship in the willingness to do so. it`s not easy physically to live our bad emotions, but man do you ever feel great thaugh after you could finally do so. one time to do it is all that you need to deal your past emotional issues. it`s worth it.

i started working on myself and my life when i was about 24 years old.  today when i look back i can realise that i had to get to know me first. who i am as a person in my qualities and faults. then to learn in the process to love myself and to accept me for who i am. to stand up for myself, etc... i guess that i had to learn to live with myself and others.  i never felt loved in my entire chilhood time. my daughter is the one that thaught me. love, hugs and kisses, understanding, cheerfull times and many other things. it is possible to become a survivor, but it`s not an easy task. you still need to live your life as it goes by, as you`re learning about it in the same time.  make love your inspiration.  and peoples, i strongly advise you to learn to deal your emotions as they come because then they can go back too. other wise it stick around and believe me it does brings you sicknesses. i end-up being so sick by the age of 38 because of that. that`s why happy that i started to learn about this at 24. i could have been sicker earlyer in my life.  now lucky me i see a natural doctor that can help me save my life- physicaly-  and therefor i can still help myself emotionaly and then to be at peace in my mind.  because this is what you need to to be happy with your life really,  A PEACE OF MIND AND HEART.  when you look at the world of today.  they say that the television reflect the society.  what do you think?  do you see more and more disfonctional peoples on t.v., especially on those reality shows?  the world need to grow-up emotionally.  so anyway.  hope i can help some of you with my story. their`s a couple of my favorites quotes.

SMILE, IT COULD BE WORST !!!   AND

THE OPTIMIST MAYBE WRONG, BUT SHE HAS A LOT MORE FUN THAN THE PESSIMIST.!

 

GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU AND KEEP YOUR HEART FULL OF LOVE. BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. WE ALL DESERVE LOVE SO JUST LOVE YOURSELF, NO MATTER WHAT! YOU ARE JUST AN OTHER CRACKED POT THAT WATER YOUR PATH. EVENTUALLY FLOWERS WILL GROWS, KEEP WALKING OR THE PATH WILL DRY OUT AND YOU`LL GET NOTHING.

you cannot wait for the ghost to go away. you have to make it go away.  i have so much practice with those ghost of mine that now they`re mostly gone.   of coarse the memory of it is not gone but at least the emotion of it is gone.  i was told that when you do remember a situation where or when you were hurt, it`s the emotion that keep you stuck with this, not to remember it, to feel it.  so, i was told that when i do remember something, i must live again that emotion, not to denye it.  crying your gust out and talk to someone you can trust for listening to you when these moments comes.  once you really cry it and talk and talk again to the other, to yourself. and than tell that emotion to get out of yourself, that is enought, it`s in the past and it doesn`t belong to the present moment, you come slowly to deal with that emotion.  the trick to find out if you have dealt properly with an emotion is by the way you feel after when you think about it.  do you still feel the emotion with the thaught or not?  if you feel no emotion, you have done your job. it is truly amazing. i`m happy i`ve learn to do that, i`m more at peace today with my past.

I would love to tell my story but i would have to start at my birth when my mother tried to smother me and it would take to long going through the abuse the neglect the sexual molestation and so much more. In hindsight what i have discovered was/is life. Life a twisting living expearence that controls you if you let it. the idea i believe is to learn and seperate the good from the bad, don't forget it, just don't repeat it, learn from it, use the gifts given by God emotion, thought, logic and our senses, learn to understand why you, why others do as they do, learn to forgive yourself and others who have infected you're thinking, learn to love with compassion, learn to change, God will always be there rewarding teaching