Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

Quote From: angie7777

Hello, As far back as I can remember age 3yrs it is like I have a target on my back for everyone to treat me like crap. Me and my only sister were constantly neglected and abused in many forms from our mother and father. My grandmother who I was around alot also abused me. She would take things from me such as toys or food and give to my sister or cousins we were poor and had very little to begin with my mother would beat us for spilling something or anything really that she seen as a reason too, my grandmother would lie and say that I did whatever the reason for the beating would be such as one time my sister eat some crackers that made my mom mad, so my grandmother lied and said she seen me eating them and not my sister this happened all the time so that I would get the beating and not my sisiter. She would give my sister Christmas gifts and not me, refuse to hug me or tell me she loved me, tell me I was going to hell for being so ugly and my mother would just sit back and let her do these things. My grandmother loved my sister and treated her well. She said she hated me becasue I got treated better by my dad than my sister. That isnt true. My father did horrible things to me and while she took my sister to protect her it was like she threw me to him to keep him away from my sister. The mental and pysical abuse and neglect were horrible. but my sister at least had my grandmother to love and protect her. I was sexually abused by several people during my life. I was beaten and made to feel unworthy of any love.  At school I was bullied, we lived in small town, our mother would not come to parent meetings to met with teachers and get to know the teachers like the other kids parents did so  we were outcast. Several teachers treated us differently because they knew the family of the other kids so well, we were made fun of because of  because we never had new clothes or school supplies...most of the time we had to wear dirty clothes to school. This was many years ago and hopefull today things like that doesnt still happen ,such as one day a teacher was having a bad day I suppose and I asked how to do a homework question and I was slapped....I just want to know how can a child be so cursed or whatever the reason may be for so many people to constantly target them?

My adult life has been much of same everytime someone is in a bad mood or needs someone to blame for something I am the target. I try to be good to everyone and I have to admit let people walk on me at times because I am afraid of them. Im getting older now and I am getting more and more depressed about it all. Everytime I met someone I think this is going to be different...then I get stabbed in back again. Latest example a someone I thought was a very good friend that I work with made a huge mistake...Instead of her owning up to it she blamed me. I got fired. Im tired of it. Why???? How can someone break the chains of abuse? What makes people be so cruel? Do mean hateful people have a radar to pray on the weaker? Thanks for listening.

Quote From: maryj1958

I reported that my brother raped me when I was 13 and then found out that my dad had sexually abused my brothers and just found out one of my sons was sexually malested by my dad, his grandfather. Now I'm trying to deal with my oldest daughter's boyfriend, whom she is re-engaged to him again, trying to kill her by choking her til she couldn't breathe and she had to fight him off her and saved his life when he tried to kill himself with a belt around his neck. well, I havent spoke to my mom since christmas only once when I called her and havent spoken to my sister since christmas because she thinks its all in the past and let it be. although mom & sis doesnt know that dad did this to our son and I cant get over it. Hubby thinks I should call my mom up and explain to her why we wont come over to the house anymore while dad is alive. It really bothers me alot that mom used to call me every day ( she lives 5 minutes from us) and talk, and my sister and I used to be very close ( she only lives 8 minutes away) she has polio and is in a wheelchair and she wanted me to teach her how to drive about 5 yrs ago , so I did and now she drives. she hasnt spoken to me since before christmas. :(   and it hurts alot. yes, I have tried to talk to mom and sis. but they never call me back and i'm tired of always calling and getting no where. I"m afraid that my dad is still sexually abusing boys, he is on the internet and having sex with guys, boys, whatever, overseas and sending them money.A year ago my mom called me to say that she think,s dad is going nuts and wanted to pay for one of those guys overseas to move in with them and she put her foot down, but mom is afraid of dad, she said he is gonna kill everyone, I said what? she said that he is crazy and she was afraid for herself and everyone in the family, then I find out from my baby brother that he actually threatened him and mom one year when he was in college living at home. dad has lots of handguns and rifles. so now i'm afraid for mom. dad isnt in good health, colon cancer, prostate cancer, sleep apnea, he is now on oxygen all the time because he has a real bad heart ( has had triple bypass 25 yrs ago) but you know what, I dont care about him at all and dont care he is sick because he is sick in the head for doing this to our son, my brothers and other people that I know he has sexually molested , at least 30. I just wanted everyone to know some of my story and that isnt all of it.

Quote From: ameso100

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse,  it has affected every facet of my life.  I am 35 years old and unable to work outside of my home.  This depresses me because until now I have been able to suppress every emotion that deals with the abuse.  In the past six months I have reported the incidences of abuse to the authorities and they have investigated the situation and have turned the report over to the crown.  I live  in canada, so I guess that would be the district attorneys office in america.  One day I just looked in the mirror and cried.  I was so tired of being treated like a door mat.  All this finally came to a head after a visit from my adopted parents.  My adopted mother said to me one day,  i dont know why i adopted you, you were just another mouth to feed.  She said this in front of a very dear friend.  My friend looked at me incredulously.  I was so ashamed.  Later that evening my adoptive parents were sitting in my living room watching TV and a news blurb came on where these women were taking a priest to court 30 years later.  My adopted mother commented that it was the churchs fault for not letting their priests get married.  It was then that I knew that she felt that her and her husband had done nothing wrong.  How could she think that her husband was not in control of his actions or some how it was my fault.  After they left I felt angry and that was when I looked in the mirror and vowed to do something about it.  I still feel terrified that nothing will come out the court case.  When I disclosed the abuse to the child welfare, they acted like I was a spoiled brat looking for attention.  Now it is hard for me to trust anyone, and my life is filled with depression and anxiety.  I have been going to a councellor, and it has helped.  I was diagnosed with untreated post traumatic stress disorder and dissociatiative disorder.  I have no idea what that is or what to do about it.  Crime Victim Assistance here in Canada has provided 24 councelling sessions that are paid for, so i guess thats a start.  Now i have to find a new councellor, because the lady I was seeing has now retired.  That is why I signed up to the Dr. Phil website.  It does feel good to connect with others who know what it is like to be a survivor.  It gives me some hope.

Quote From: catskat3

I feel like an oddball and perhaps I'm not.  I guess I know that noone is REALLY alone when it comes to any subject or experience so here's mine to share.  If you're a victim/survivor then maybe my voice lent to yours will help you know that you are not alone either.  I have experienced sexual abuse from more men than I can count on one hand.  From the time I was 7 with an uncle, to my other uncles, my grandfather, my neighbors and even my dad in later years.  Its disgusting and sickening.  The worst thing is that I have taken all the pain onto myself and because of it, as one psychologist told me, I'm overweight as a protection against such occurances happening again...and again.  The more I think of it, the more I know she was right but still I can't stop myself and truly get a grip on my thoughts...enough to want to lose weight and look good.  When I have lost weight and my husband (of 26 years) responds, I feel sick inside, feel panicky, and I stop dieting.  I know I'm not alone.  I'm sure others here have experienced more than one incident with more than one man.  Although I hate men for this, I love my husband....am I just hopeless and crazy?

Quote From: ashloose7

I was constantly sexually abused in one way or another throughout my childhood by 6 different people.  When I finally told my parent's when I was 18 I was denied justice and basically told by everybody- even the school and police (and I live in Houston) to keep quiet to protect reputations of my parent's and of the offenders.  I fought hard for justice and kept at it, but I never got it.  All I got was anger for me brining it up.  Now I am 26, living on my own, although financially dependent on my parent's, because I've sufferd depression and post traumatic stress disorder (although I'm on the up side of recovery) and had to drop out of college, and I'm having trouble getting on my feel again (but I'm doing better and working on it).

One of the people who abused their privlege on me was a ob-gyn I went to just to see if I had possibly been raped (it was a few months after things had stoped).  After doing everything he was supposed to he wanted to show me what it felt like.  He used his finger several times because he wanted to be the one to show me what it felt like to have it inside me.  There was a nurse in the room.  I feel completly crazy over this.  I feel like I was molested by him.  When I finally told what happend with him I was met with anger and sceptisicm.  Somebody who's said how many times of abuse I've been through can't always be right, especially since something like that happend to me when I was much younger.  That's how I'm treated. 

I have a severe phobia of doctors.  I see them as bad, nomatter who they are.  I love Dr.Phil and I watch his show as much as I can, I trust him, but I don't even think I could bring myself to meet him.  I go crazy when ever a real medical doctor comes on the show.  I get weak and just want to cry.  I feel like I'm the only one this has happend to.  I've never been raped, but I've been molested so many times and in so many ways that I probably have a lot of the same feelings. 

I just wanted to write, maybe somebody out there can relate and tell me I'm not crazy about my fear of doctors.  I doubt it, but maybe it's happend to somebody else.