Topic : How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me
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February 28, 2008, 5:26 pm PST
 Quote From: ameso100 I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it has affected every facet of my life. I am 35 years old and unable to work outside of my home. This depresses me because until now I have been able to suppress every emotion that deals with the abuse. In the past six months I have reported the incidences of abuse to the authorities and they have investigated the situation and have turned the report over to the crown. I live in canada, so I guess that would be the district attorneys office in america. One day I just looked in the mirror and cried. I was so tired of being treated like a door mat. All this finally came to a head after a visit from my adopted parents. My adopted mother said to me one day, i dont know why i adopted you, you were just another mouth to feed. She said this in front of a very dear friend. My friend looked at me incredulously. I was so ashamed. Later that evening my adoptive parents were sitting in my living room watching TV and a news blurb came on where these women were taking a priest to court 30 years later. My adopted mother commented that it was the churchs fault for not letting their priests get married. It was then that I knew that she felt that her and her husband had done nothing wrong. How could she think that her husband was not in control of his actions or some how it was my fault. After they left I felt angry and that was when I looked in the mirror and vowed to do something about it. I still feel terrified that nothing will come out the court case. When I disclosed the abuse to the child welfare, they acted like I was a spoiled brat looking for attention. Now it is hard for me to trust anyone, and my life is filled with depression and anxiety. I have been going to a councellor, and it has helped. I was diagnosed with untreated post traumatic stress disorder and dissociatiative disorder. I have no idea what that is or what to do about it. Crime Victim Assistance here in Canada has provided 24 councelling sessions that are paid for, so i guess thats a start. Now i have to find a new councellor, because the lady I was seeing has now retired. That is why I signed up to the Dr. Phil website. It does feel good to connect with others who know what it is like to be a survivor. It gives me some hope. I too am a survivor of sexual abuse from a pastor. Im so sorry that the people who took you in are not supportive. I know for years with my ptsd undiagnosed my mother could not understand why I was the way I was and neither did I because I did not remember the abuse until I was about 24 or so. I am not working either and know how it feels that here You and I struggle just to survive for what someone else has done to us. I have called a lawyer here in the USA to see if I could do something and they say that I can't because of the stature of limitations. But I see how others have been able to prosecute and my only conclusion is it seems people dont want to deal with the "mess". It pisses me off to know this guy goes scott free and I live in a hell of constant cylces of flashbacks, depression, anxiety. Sometimes I think I am doing good and get a new job and then I am triggered somehow then I wish I could just die. It sucks ....theres so much I want to do and accomplish but I feel stuck in this cycle I have been repeating for years. My recent boss just suggested I get help, because he witnessed my responses to me assisting him (hes a dentist) with a little girl and I just reacted and couldnt function. So here I am again without a job and wondering ..will this ever end? I am going back to counceling but I don't feel as though where I am offers alot, but I can only say my prayers. I hope you find encouragement. Your trust in every way ahs been taken..and I hope you find a councelor that will stick by you for a long time so you can build the trust and continue with thereapy not worrying about "changes". My hope and encouragement to you and letting you know I truly can relate. |
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March 5, 2008, 9:07 pm PST
Quote From: catskat3 I feel like an oddball and perhaps I'm not. I guess I know that noone is REALLY alone when it comes to any subject or experience so here's mine to share. If you're a victim/survivor then maybe my voice lent to yours will help you know that you are not alone either. I have experienced sexual abuse from more men than I can count on one hand. From the time I was 7 with an uncle, to my other uncles, my grandfather, my neighbors and even my dad in later years. Its disgusting and sickening. The worst thing is that I have taken all the pain onto myself and because of it, as one psychologist told me, I'm overweight as a protection against such occurances happening again...and again. The more I think of it, the more I know she was right but still I can't stop myself and truly get a grip on my thoughts...enough to want to lose weight and look good. When I have lost weight and my husband (of 26 years) responds, I feel sick inside, feel panicky, and I stop dieting. I know I'm not alone. I'm sure others here have experienced more than one incident with more than one man. Although I hate men for this, I love my husband....am I just hopeless and crazy? I read you post and felt like I was reading about myself. Except for my marriage, my first marriage was to a wonderful,kind,loving man,but he confessed after 2 years of marriage he was bisexual,but the marriage still lasted 30 years,but ended sadly when I realized I was hiding behind him for protection and yet was so sad when our marriage was no longer satisfying to either of us. My weight has gone up and down so much through the years as my own wall of protection. I am now married to another wondeful man,and yet my weight is SOOOOO out of control. I feel lost and don't know what to do to get control back.I too was sexually used and abused in my youth and never spoke up to anyone about it,or anything else in my life. I just eat my feelings and words, and watch myself self distruct..I worked for years on frogiveness to those who hurt me, and found peace in that, but I guess it is myself I can't forgive, and in a sense I feel the need to keep this BIG WALL around me, I feel so ugly and so unhappy in what I see and I have no idea how to stop. I know anyone who knows me would be shocked to read this, they have no idea how hurt I am and how hopeless I feel.. |
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March 11, 2008, 7:37 pm PDT
Yes it very much hurts as a victum of childhood abuse.for years i sufferd the nights being woken.with the feel of his hand across my mouth.with the whisper"Shshsh,with the tears of pain again.i went too bed with many layers of cloths with hope i would get rescued.as my mother often walked in.yelling at him did now good.he just beat her.i felt so much same and guilt.i remember the abuse started at 4yrs.old when i started burning my bed.as my parents ran around the house looking for the fire.i was sitting on it.the abuse continued till i was 16years old.i did seem too find help.as my high school teacher helped me out as i still held the silent secrets in.she had too take me too the hospital.i was so afraid she stayed by my side as she became close too me and helped me graduate high school.i"m so thankful for her.i married right away too excape the abuse.andhad three children right away.i dsociated my self for yrs to push down the horrible memories.as i found help with the abuse a my world was crashing downon me.i stopped contact with my parents for 25years as i was getting help too try and deal with the abuse.i had to stop the cycle and keep my small children safe.i"ve been working with the same counseler for over 15years.it was a long tunnel with no light.and as i was told i beat the odds.i believed by fighting hard too live he wouldnt hve the power over me anymore.i tried checking out till i came close too touching heavin.i realize i had children and a responsibilty too them too fight.and do what ever it took to get threw th dayi am still here.and still fighting.married 30years today.boy it was a difficult commitment i made.keeping what was mine was enough too fight for.too keep my family together.belive me the pain never goes away.but gets better overtime.i still see my couseler twice a week.and ivebeen threw over 100 elictic shock treatments.and have not been in the hospital in 10years.i finley see light"" |
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March 12, 2008, 2:25 pm PDT
I was constantly sexually abused in one way or another throughout my childhood by 6 different people. When I finally told my parent's when I was 18 I was denied justice and basically told by everybody- even the school and police (and I live in Houston) to keep quiet to protect reputations of my parent's and of the offenders. I fought hard for justice and kept at it, but I never got it. All I got was anger for me brining it up. Now I am 26, living on my own, although financially dependent on my parent's, because I've sufferd depression and post traumatic stress disorder (although I'm on the up side of recovery) and had to drop out of college, and I'm having trouble getting on my feel again (but I'm doing better and working on it). One of the people who abused their privlege on me was a ob-gyn I went to just to see if I had possibly been raped (it was a few months after things had stoped). After doing everything he was supposed to he wanted to show me what it felt like. He used his finger several times because he wanted to be the one to show me what it felt like to have it inside me. There was a nurse in the room. I feel completly crazy over this. I feel like I was molested by him. When I finally told what happend with him I was met with anger and sceptisicm. Somebody who's said how many times of abuse I've been through can't always be right, especially since something like that happend to me when I was much younger. That's how I'm treated. I have a severe phobia of doctors. I see them as bad, nomatter who they are. I love Dr.Phil and I watch his show as much as I can, I trust him, but I don't even think I could bring myself to meet him. I go crazy when ever a real medical doctor comes on the show. I get weak and just want to cry. I feel like I'm the only one this has happend to. I've never been raped, but I've been molested so many times and in so many ways that I probably have a lot of the same feelings. I just wanted to write, maybe somebody out there can relate and tell me I'm not crazy about my fear of doctors. I doubt it, but maybe it's happend to somebody else. |
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March 12, 2008, 6:36 pm PDT
Quote From: ashloose7 I was constantly sexually abused in one way or another throughout my childhood by 6 different people. When I finally told my parent's when I was 18 I was denied justice and basically told by everybody- even the school and police (and I live in Houston) to keep quiet to protect reputations of my parent's and of the offenders. I fought hard for justice and kept at it, but I never got it. All I got was anger for me brining it up. Now I am 26, living on my own, although financially dependent on my parent's, because I've sufferd depression and post traumatic stress disorder (although I'm on the up side of recovery) and had to drop out of college, and I'm having trouble getting on my feel again (but I'm doing better and working on it). One of the people who abused their privlege on me was a ob-gyn I went to just to see if I had possibly been raped (it was a few months after things had stoped). After doing everything he was supposed to he wanted to show me what it felt like. He used his finger several times because he wanted to be the one to show me what it felt like to have it inside me. There was a nurse in the room. I feel completly crazy over this. I feel like I was molested by him. When I finally told what happend with him I was met with anger and sceptisicm. Somebody who's said how many times of abuse I've been through can't always be right, especially since something like that happend to me when I was much younger. That's how I'm treated. I have a severe phobia of doctors. I see them as bad, nomatter who they are. I love Dr.Phil and I watch his show as much as I can, I trust him, but I don't even think I could bring myself to meet him. I go crazy when ever a real medical doctor comes on the show. I get weak and just want to cry. I feel like I'm the only one this has happend to. I've never been raped, but I've been molested so many times and in so many ways that I probably have a lot of the same feelings. I just wanted to write, maybe somebody out there can relate and tell me I'm not crazy about my fear of doctors. I doubt it, but maybe it's happend to somebody else. I just would like to say i am sorry for your pain.and too let you know your not alone.sexully abuse is all the same.it really keeps you wondering if your crazy.because we not only think people will give us support but we also dont wont too come to terms with it.intill somthing triggers it.and then we have now choice.if it feels wrong it is wrong.being abused by diffrent people is true .with you and also myself.i just started talking about it.i also had too go threw many surgers because of my abuse.and i have a very understanding primary care doctor that takes my feelings very serious.and she treats me for everything she can and if she cant she will find some one who will understand how difficult it is.i also suffer from PTSD.get a good doctor you can trust.and DR.Phil is great too .very caring and up front.and has brought many thing out in the open.we all thank him and his team for that.i hope you trust yourself . its very difficult too feel like every thing was taking away.but that is the shame,betray,and wondering if we can be excepted.for what was done too us .it leaves us with guilt,like we are too blame.and i cry inside but its good your able too write and let people help you.its ok we cant change the things we had now control over but we can take steps too heal when ower minds are ready too let us.take one day at a time and reach out far if you have to for help.it really works.i am 49yrs.old and raising two small grandchildren.it helps ,being a care taker or cleaning,shopping,and most of all find a good couseler who you can trust .take care..... |
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March 27, 2008, 9:41 pm PDT
Quote From: traffiked I'm 57 and still affected by all the abuse I suffered and witnessed. When I was a chlid I was rented out by an organization who provided kids as entertainment for adult men. I didn't know until the Abu Grab torture came out that what they called training was really torture. I learned to be very compliant. Is there anyone out there that was traffiked too? I haven't been through what you have. But, I couldn't leave this post without responding. My heart breaks for you, for what you've been through. I pray that God would surround you and protect you emotionally. I pray that you will be surrounded by loving people who can help you see what a beautiful person you are, just the way that God made you. I'm not much help. And I don't know if you're even checking back on this thread. But, I had to reach out and say that I was so touched by your story. |
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April 15, 2008, 3:24 pm PDT
Hello- I'm new to this messgae board. I've been dealling with alot of issues. I was physically abused by mt dad back when I was a teenager and I am having a hard time getting past it. I'm now 38 years old and still having nightmares. Waking up from night sweats. He used to go to the bar after work come home and check his answering machine. He then would come in my room at 2 or 3 am slam my light on grab me by my hair and start beating me for touching his answering machine. Which I NEVER touched. This went on almost everynite for years. I even started over eating and binge eating back then. Of course now that I'm an adult, married with 2 kids of my own, I'm approx365 lbs. I'm in so much physical pain and emtional pain. Theres still a big hole in my heart. My mom kicked me out when I was 14years old to live with my dad. Thats when the abuse got really bad. My dad died back in93 at the age of 42. He died of circulation problems and blood flow problems. Now I to have issues with circulation problems. I've had 3 hernia surgeries, gall bladder surgery, appendix surgery, a miscarrige and asthma. I need to get past this. It still affects me today. Certain things I'm still afraid of. For exampe the dark. Ever since he did that to me I'm afraid of the dark and probably always will be. It's not just that he did that to me. It's also the fact of my mom kicking me out. She made me feel like I wasn't wanted. The two people in my life I was suppose to be able to trust I couldn't. I also felt abandoned by her. My kids have no idea what happened to me and they never will. But I need to get past this so I can lose some weight or I'm going die. Just like my dad did. I've been to over eaters annoymous. I went in and no one said anything to me. There was a group of girls talking to themselves. I told them I was new and they just said sit down and listen to what everyone had to say. That was it. They never said anything else to me. So I left and never went back. I need help and I don't know where to go.
aces24 |
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April 21, 2008, 10:10 pm PDT
Quote From: aces24 Hello- I'm new to this messgae board. I've been dealling with alot of issues. I was physically abused by mt dad back when I was a teenager and I am having a hard time getting past it. I'm now 38 years old and still having nightmares. Waking up from night sweats. He used to go to the bar after work come home and check his answering machine. He then would come in my room at 2 or 3 am slam my light on grab me by my hair and start beating me for touching his answering machine. Which I NEVER touched. This went on almost everynite for years. I even started over eating and binge eating back then. Of course now that I'm an adult, married with 2 kids of my own, I'm approx365 lbs. I'm in so much physical pain and emtional pain. Theres still a big hole in my heart. My mom kicked me out when I was 14years old to live with my dad. Thats when the abuse got really bad. My dad died back in93 at the age of 42. He died of circulation problems and blood flow problems. Now I to have issues with circulation problems. I've had 3 hernia surgeries, gall bladder surgery, appendix surgery, a miscarrige and asthma. I need to get past this. It still affects me today. Certain things I'm still afraid of. For exampe the dark. Ever since he did that to me I'm afraid of the dark and probably always will be. It's not just that he did that to me. It's also the fact of my mom kicking me out. She made me feel like I wasn't wanted. The two people in my life I was suppose to be able to trust I couldn't. I also felt abandoned by her. My kids have no idea what happened to me and they never will. But I need to get past this so I can lose some weight or I'm going die. Just like my dad did. I've been to over eaters annoymous. I went in and no one said anything to me. There was a group of girls talking to themselves. I told them I was new and they just said sit down and listen to what everyone had to say. That was it. They never said anything else to me. So I left and never went back. I need help and I don't know where to go.
aces24 the way the women at that Over eaters anonymous meeting treated you was very callous and concieted. How was it concieted, well they treated you liek you had nothing to contribute and they had all the answers, which was and is a lie, it si a good hting oyu left as it was not the right place for you. the peope that were entrusted with yur care and welfare not only failed miserably they are people that have a lot to answer for. however, you my dear lady are seking answers for today. I wish i had the answers you are seeking but all i can do is share my own experiencesand what i have learned. Fear of the dark. Had my share of that even well into adult hood untill i realized it was not the dark that i was afraid of but what was in the dark. for punishment my mother would send either I or my sibling donw into this dark awful basement. There was a big box that we would hide in, we were supposed to go into this little dark room were a man had supposedly hung himslef acording to our mother, but we never did we hid in that big box alone till we were aloud to come up. We had great sympathy and empathy for which ever sibling was the one chosen to go down in the basement for misbehaving. I would go in the dark and pray for god to protect me, Pretty much I was taking a leap of faith that god would protect me from the bad guys in the dark. I was sexually abused as a child, a very young child my vaugest but earliest recolections would be about the age of three with my bio dad. I turned to drugs and alcohol, which was not very difficult since my mother was a full fledged drug addict and alcoholic so it was not that big of a leap for me. the journey to health and wellness and spiritual serenity now that was a huge Leap for me, but i made it by doing what i did as a child, and just praying to God to protect me. hun we can't get past it, we have to go through it ... it totally sucks but we need to face everything. the reason being is by over eating using drugs, alcohol, what ever that is our way of trying to get past it, and it is not working. We need to go through it an allow our selves to feel the feelings, empathize with that little hurt child, and know that we are that little hurt child still! We need a real parent to reparent us. That sound odd? It;s not we can get stunted and frozen in time eventhough inteliectually and physically we grow, emotionaly we are a child. Want to hear a true story about me? I hoep so cause im gonna share lol. When i met my wonderful loving husband I noticed I was behaving oddly! I spoke to my mentor and teacher about this, she asked me to explain, so I did. I said: I find my self gazing at him and having a funny sense of contenment and safty. You know what she said, and she did knwo a lot about my background lol. She said you are imprinting, Tammy. I said What! I said babies do that with thier care givers I'm not a baby! She smiled at me sadly and stated in utter seriousness, she said in many ways you are hun. She then said continue. I said when we go shopping if i lose sight of him I panic! I mean really panic, abnormaly so. She stated again in utter seriousness, young children that are not ready to be independant go through the same thing you are experienceing when they lose sight of their care givers ie MoMs lol. She said anthing else? I had to blush at this one, I said yes, totally contray to my nature, I am finding myself throwing temper tantrums, in a big way foot stomping and all lol. She said yu are belssed hun that you have finally found some one you feel safe enough and loved enough by that you can finally begin to grow up. Hun I cried, because I seen the truth of what she was saying even though it was painful to admit, I spent many many years acting like and adult while my inner child was crying to come out to play =(. Heh still makes me cry. Cause you know what I want your child to come out and be able to play too, she deserves to be happy and loved just as much as I do. She also deserves to be heard and have empathy and healing hugs, she also deserves to hear she is loved and no matter what she is believed and a good girl. She too deserves to be parented, my mentor said to me one thing i will remember for the rest of my life. She said for people like you Tammy, it is never to late to have a happy childhood, and people like you that have lived the worst of what humanity has to offer Desrve it ever so much! We do hun.. i really hope this reaches you, my heart aches for you. i tend not to post much on boards like this, but honestly your post really struck a chord with in me, so i am gonna check back in, in the hopes that you recive this, it may not be the answers you are looking for, but i hope by sharing what little i have that you know you are not alone in your pain, I can empathize and yea it hurts like Hell =( Hugs Tammy
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April 23, 2008, 11:47 am PDT
Quote From: tammy_anne the way the women at that Over eaters anonymous meeting treated you was very callous and concieted. How was it concieted, well they treated you liek you had nothing to contribute and they had all the answers, which was and is a lie, it si a good hting oyu left as it was not the right place for you. the peope that were entrusted with yur care and welfare not only failed miserably they are people that have a lot to answer for. however, you my dear lady are seking answers for today. I wish i had the answers you are seeking but all i can do is share my own experiencesand what i have learned. Fear of the dark. Had my share of that even well into adult hood untill i realized it was not the dark that i was afraid of but what was in the dark. for punishment my mother would send either I or my sibling donw into this dark awful basement. There was a big box that we would hide in, we were supposed to go into this little dark room were a man had supposedly hung himslef acording to our mother, but we never did we hid in that big box alone till we were aloud to come up. We had great sympathy and empathy for which ever sibling was the one chosen to go down in the basement for misbehaving. I would go in the dark and pray for god to protect me, Pretty much I was taking a leap of faith that god would protect me from the bad guys in the dark. I was sexually abused as a child, a very young child my vaugest but earliest recolections would be about the age of three with my bio dad. I turned to drugs and alcohol, which was not very difficult since my mother was a full fledged drug addict and alcoholic so it was not that big of a leap for me. the journey to health and wellness and spiritual serenity now that was a huge Leap for me, but i made it by doing what i did as a child, and just praying to God to protect me. hun we can't get past it, we have to go through it ... it totally sucks but we need to face everything. the reason being is by over eating using drugs, alcohol, what ever that is our way of trying to get past it, and it is not working. We need to go through it an allow our selves to feel the feelings, empathize with that little hurt child, and know that we are that little hurt child still! We need a real parent to reparent us. That sound odd? It;s not we can get stunted and frozen in time eventhough inteliectually and physically we grow, emotionaly we are a child. Want to hear a true story about me? I hoep so cause im gonna share lol. When i met my wonderful loving husband I noticed I was behaving oddly! I spoke to my mentor and teacher about this, she asked me to explain, so I did. I said: I find my self gazing at him and having a funny sense of contenment and safty. You know what she said, and she did knwo a lot about my background lol. She said you are imprinting, Tammy. I said What! I said babies do that with thier care givers I'm not a baby! She smiled at me sadly and stated in utter seriousness, she said in many ways you are hun. She then said continue. I said when we go shopping if i lose sight of him I panic! I mean really panic, abnormaly so. She stated again in utter seriousness, young children that are not ready to be independant go through the same thing you are experienceing when they lose sight of their care givers ie MoMs lol. She said anthing else? I had to blush at this one, I said yes, totally contray to my nature, I am finding myself throwing temper tantrums, in a big way foot stomping and all lol. She said yu are belssed hun that you have finally found some one you feel safe enough and loved enough by that you can finally begin to grow up. Hun I cried, because I seen the truth of what she was saying even though it was painful to admit, I spent many many years acting like and adult while my inner child was crying to come out to play =(. Heh still makes me cry. Cause you know what I want your child to come out and be able to play too, she deserves to be happy and loved just as much as I do. She also deserves to be heard and have empathy and healing hugs, she also deserves to hear she is loved and no matter what she is believed and a good girl. She too deserves to be parented, my mentor said to me one thing i will remember for the rest of my life. She said for people like you Tammy, it is never to late to have a happy childhood, and people like you that have lived the worst of what humanity has to offer Desrve it ever so much! We do hun.. i really hope this reaches you, my heart aches for you. i tend not to post much on boards like this, but honestly your post really struck a chord with in me, so i am gonna check back in, in the hopes that you recive this, it may not be the answers you are looking for, but i hope by sharing what little i have that you know you are not alone in your pain, I can empathize and yea it hurts like Hell =( Hugs Tammy
Tammy- Thank you so much for your reply to my post. It feels good to know that I'm not alone. I have my days when I do feel alone. I can complelty relate to the reparenting thing. When I met my husband I was basically looking for a way out. Then I met him. I tested him over and over until I felt safe. It was probably wrong to do that. But at the time it was all I knew. I was in complete survial mode. Sometimes I wonder if thats what I'm still doing. You said we have to go through it. I'm working on going through it. It hurts so bad. The pain is still so raw. Everytime I start to work on it, I get nightmares or moody or I withdrawl even more. I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I've never dealt with it. Which will explain why I'm so fat. I did turn to food. At the time food made me feel better. Now that I'm fat all I have now are health problems. Even my dad was obese until he started with all of his health problems. The thing is I hated him back then and I still hate him now. Even knowing he's dead. i'm still glad he's gone. I say that and wonder if thats wrong to say. However the way he died no one should ever have to die that way. I need help dealing with this and help gettting this weight off. I even took a big risk opening up here. I was doing it on my private diaries. which did help a little, but not enough. Thank you for listening.
aces24 |
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April 23, 2008, 12:09 pm PDT
Quote From: aces24 Tammy- Thank you so much for your reply to my post. It feels good to know that I'm not alone. I have my days when I do feel alone. I can complelty relate to the reparenting thing. When I met my husband I was basically looking for a way out. Then I met him. I tested him over and over until I felt safe. It was probably wrong to do that. But at the time it was all I knew. I was in complete survial mode. Sometimes I wonder if thats what I'm still doing. You said we have to go through it. I'm working on going through it. It hurts so bad. The pain is still so raw. Everytime I start to work on it, I get nightmares or moody or I withdrawl even more. I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I've never dealt with it. Which will explain why I'm so fat. I did turn to food. At the time food made me feel better. Now that I'm fat all I have now are health problems. Even my dad was obese until he started with all of his health problems. The thing is I hated him back then and I still hate him now. Even knowing he's dead. i'm still glad he's gone. I say that and wonder if thats wrong to say. However the way he died no one should ever have to die that way. I need help dealing with this and help gettting this weight off. I even took a big risk opening up here. I was doing it on my private diaries. which did help a little, but not enough. Thank you for listening.
aces24 I am so glad that my message reached you. Yes i can totaly understand what you are saying when you say the pain is still very raw and intense.The saying that time heals all is not accurate or true. Time does not heal all, the truth is yes it takes time to heal but we have to tend to the wounds in order for them to heal. If we have just covered out wounds with a bandaide in the feverent hope that it would heal on its own we were wrong =(. We needed to do more than just hope, therefore that wound of your childhood is still as fresh and as painful as the day it was first inflicted. As for testing your spouse that is very typical of peope who have been through trauma, you are correct in your self assesment that it was a defense mechanism based on personal survivial. Talking and sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone that understands what you are going through is a big step and a good one. I hope that you can find some one that you can sit with face to face and start letting go of the pain and inner turmoil. The food is a difficult substance to deal with, for the very reason that it not only became the medicine that you self medicated with, but also now has become an addiction. I would be so happy for you if you could find a group of survivors of childhood abuses that you could share and talk with. If not then I hope you continue to seek out those that understand what you are going through and have the empathy and understanding that you deserve and need. You are not alone in the Dark hun, i am there too, hopefully we can come out of that horrible box together and walk in the sunshine, were we belong. continue using your diearies as an outlet writing is a greal way to let out what needs to be let out. Talking is another way, also think about seeking out a therapist that is very knowledgeable about trauma, and can give you even more tools for yu to use on your healing journey. I will continue to check in and listen and share, and be there as a friend. Hugs Tammy
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