Quote From: beeboo22To find what I have previously written go to the same headings as here but in the archived area. Most of what I have previously written is under my entry of 1/25/2005.
I had planned to add to my previous writings here at the end of last summer. Although I had other reasons (like work to do on a much needed major kitchen update), the deciding factor for me was the natural disasters at the end of last summer. Like most people I was appalled by what happened to so many ordinary good people as a result of the hurricanes last year. I felt adding my problems to the mix would not be helpful. I wish the best for all who suffered such undeserved losses.
This new system asks about emotions. My answer is I have a good life, yet I fear much about this problem of mine. Because I have a good life, I feel I have a lot to loose from this problem. My husband and I have been married longer than Dr. Phil and Robin. We have chosen the type of life we want. We are not wealthy but have worked hard for and enjoy our own modest version of the Amreican Dream. I believe good help with my problem would have made our lives better. But, I also feel forunate that I did not allow the mental health profession or anyone else to do more damage in my life because of this problem. Misguided professional help (remember the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior) could have added marriage and family problems, financial problems, even substance abuse (the only substance abuse problem I have, which I have struggled with my whole life, is food) to this problem for me.
On one show Dr. Phil talked about the power of individual choice. I think one of the reasons my husband and I are doing well is because we try hard to make good choices. I think the biggest challenge with this problem is for me to make good choices about it.
I doubt most mental health progessionals have experience, training, etc. to help me make good choices about this problem. For example my second counselor suggested my problem could have something to do with my parents. (Would he have asked such a question of a combat veteran or natural disaster survivor?) Could this type of professional thinking lead to a psycholigical witch hunt through my family and my past while missing the real problem? This counselor also suggested medication for my problem. He did not seem to realize that I have a long standing decision not to use medications. I believe this dedision has helped me avoid the substance abuse problems frequently associated with this type of problem. I can think of other ways a mental health professional could add to my problems. But my point here is that under the appearance of competent professional help a mental health professional could, and probably would again if I let him or her, add to my problems.
What most mental health professionals do not understand about my problem is that a good part of it is not about me. It is about this high profile criminal. This criminal was a serial killer who had a well documented history of shenanigans. The public will probabaly be interested in what was apparently another one of this thoroughly disgusting killer's shenangans. I do not know how to begin to deal with this. I doubt many other ordinary people including most mental health professionals would know either.
There is a lot of content to my story. Therefore I can pick and choose what I write here. So here are a few more things I will say about it.
When I started analyzing my recovered memory it was easy to focus on one portion of it. The term "stranger stalking" and/or mind games seemed to describe what I remembered in this portion. I believe this portion is the core of my recovered memory problem. This portion of my recovered memory I place in the "probably true" category because, to the best of my knowledge, this killer was there.
One interesting point is that my husband's and my oldest child, a son and the only child we had at that time, has the same first name as this killer. It is possible this killer knew this. Like I said, my problem probably has more to do with this killer than anything about me.
A major portion of my recovered memory story deals with a law enforcement investigation. (This is not the law enforcement problem I was referring to in a previous entry.) I put this part of my recovered memory story int the "maybe true" category. The idea is that law enforcement had identified me as being in close proximity to this killer and I was questioned as part of their routine investigation. I am not sure that I have recovered all of this part of the story but what I have recovered I can only describe as unprecedented. I can make some arguments that this actually happened. I do not think even Hollywood could come up with a story like this one. If it is not true it would probably make great fiction!
My husband gasped when I explained to him some of the things this type of criminals do to their victims. One of Dr. Phil's favorite metaphors, "This is an eat what you kill world," make me wonder if even the very knowledgeable Dr. Phil understands this type of criminal. Enough said on this aspect of my problem.
Dr. Phil talks about his Minimal Effective Response. Although I tend to be good at problem solving, I can not think of a Minimal Effectrive Response that I think will work for me for this problem. For me, dealing with this problem is like walking through a mine field created by this bottom of the pile dirt bag. I fear if I make a wrong move something will explode causing more damage. I have considered trying to simply purge this from my life but I do not think this is a wise option.
After the failure of my second counseling attempt I started thinking about the options I have to deal with my problem. I decided Dr. Phil might have what it takes to deal with my problem. But, I still worry about my problem's melt down potential. Therefore I have broken it into smaller pieces to hopefully make it easier for everyone to deal with. What I think I need is for Dr. Phil to help me make good decisions about how to deal withe the after effects of this nauseating (for me literally) predator on my life. Therefore I will be putting a letter in the mail to Dr. Phill soon.
I previously wrote that there is a lot I can write here. But this is something I probably should write about here. But be aware this is a certain amount of speculation on my part so the connections I make may not be valid.
This is to answer a question that I recall being asked within my recovered memory. The answer is from my regular memory. As I wrote before I have recovered memory of being questioned by an investigator about this criminal. One of the questions I remember this investigator asking me was where I picked this guy (meaning stalker) up.
At that time I had very little understanding of what this investigator was talking about. The investigator wanted to know about any parties I had attended. He thought a party might be a good place to pick up a stalker. I told him the only parties I could remember attending were Tupperware. I am not what you would call a party girl. We both realized a Tupperware party was not where I picked this guy up. (Don't worry Tupperware parties are usually safe.)
Although I did not obsess about it, for a long time I had no answer to this question. Then all of a suddden one day it struck me. I made a connection between the stalking and a discomfort I had had at my place of employment about three years before the stalking.
That discomfort was sharing an office with a man I will call Fred. Fred is not his real name. When I was first placed in the office with Fred there were some problems. But those problems were worked out. After that Fred and I got along fine. We were even friendly although I was never really comfortable around him.
I feel fortunate I had a different work assignment than Fred's work assignment. That is because Fred was not a productive employee. Other employees had to deal with Fred's lack of productivity. Eventually Fred ended up out of a job. It seems like that should have been the end of my story about Fred.
But early in my relationship with Fred I had a suspicion about him that I never heard anyone at work even hint about let alone discuss. That suspicion was that Fred was running a pornography business on the side. I remember during that time telling several people close to me outside of work my suspicion. Thinking back now I recall Fred had a few people, not many, who I did not know in our office on a regular basis. I now believe those people were connected to his pornography business, not his assigned work.
I now understand that sexual predator type people are oftern consumers of pornography. Therefore sharing an office with Fred, because of the pornography, may have created an exposure for me to some sexual predator type people. Also Fred was in a good position to give any of these people personal information about me like my name, address, marital status, etc. Therefore, sharing my work office with Fred may have created a good opporturity for me to pick up a sexual predator stranger type stalker.
Even more speculative is the idea that Fred, becuase of loosing his job, was probably a seriously disgruntled former employee. My employer did have some good security measures in place to protect employees. Could Fred have manipulated a friend into targeting me as an easy prey in vengeance against my employer?
One strange incident I recall seems to be consistent with this idea. I recall hearing loud voices as another coworker I will call Bill (again not his real name) confronted Fred about his unfinished work. Then Fred came into our office as Bill was apparently in our bosses office discussing Fred's lack of productivity. Fred and I were alone together in our office. Fred in a business like manor picked up the telephone book and started looking through it. Then he called what I understood to be a lonely hearts or match making service. (This was before the Internet took over such functions.) But Fred did not give this service his own information. No, he gave them Bill's name and Bill;s address and telephone number from the telephone book. Because he was married, Bill would not have been pleased with contact from a lonely hearts or match making service. Bill's wife would probably have been even less pleased. That is probably exactly what Fred wanted.
At the time I shared the office with Fred our work group was located very close to the offices of the top people in our organization. I did not observe much interaction between the top people in our organization and Fred. But the interaction I did observe made me believe that the top people in our organization were uninformed about people like Fred. I think that now our society knows more about people like Fred than we did back then.
I never saw Fred again after he left our organization. I have been taught not to spread rumors but I think this is interesting. After Fred left our organization I occasionally heard reports about him from other people. All of these reports made Fred sound like a man in a downward spiral. The last report I heard said Fred was in prison. Thinking about it, that was no surprise.
This is the best answer I have to the question of where I picked up this guy.
