Topic : How I Got Help

   For a couple of years I have been battling addiction to drugs.  It all began when my father died from alcoholism, and I watched him die.  It was so bad that whenever I closed my eyes I saw my dead father's body.  I turned to drugs to ease my pain.  For some reason, I have an unusually high tolerance to drugs so nothing worked.  I tried vicodin, percocet, percocet 10s, and none of them did anything for me.  Finally I found something that worked for me...Oxycontin 80s.  Mainly I did them to ease my mental and physical pain.  Then I ended up doing more and more and more.  In the end I was snorting a minimum of 5 OC 80s a day just to keep myself from being sick.  In the meantime I also started doing cocaine.  I quit the cocaine pretty easily, but I knew the pills would not be so easy. 

    From a friend, I heard of the Methadone clinic.  I went through the 4 hour admitting process, and needless to say, it has been a lifesaver so far.  I have not been doing it that long, but it is such a great program. The Methadone eliminates the withdrawls and the opiate cravings, while you meet with a therapist every week for mental help and support.  The clinic even has a buch of groups that also offer additional support.  They do monthly drug tests.  Since I have been in treatment, I have not relapsed at all!  I am happy and most of all, I am there for my child.  I am a great mother who loves to take care of my baby.  Anyone who has a painkiller, or any other opiate addiction, I completely recommend Methadone Maintenence.

My husband was very physically, emotionally, and verbally abused as a child by his adoptive parents.  His father was an alcoholic, physical abuser.  He had several broken bones & blackened eyes and many a bruise, as the result of continuous beatings until the age of 16 or 17.  His adoptive mother, from what I can gather, gave him no nurturing. I am not a therapist and in no way qualified to diagnose, but I believe that he may also have been deprived from the maternal nurturing and possibly abused or neglected in other ways by his biological mother. He was 6 years old when he went to his adoptive parents.  His heart and soul are so very fragile. The problem is, he is unable to express or enjoy affection and he has a huge problem with intimacy.  He's emotionally numb, has no interest in giving or receiving touch.  Affection makes him very uncomfortable.  Aside from him now being 52, and the hormone levels on the decrease, he says he has never had much of a need or desire for physical touch or sex.  He can not kiss with an open mouth.  His kisses are always on the top of my head, forehead or a peck on the lips.  Any of my attempts to be physical make him visibly uncomfortable and he usually just sort of giggles like a child that is embarrassed. He has Gastrointestinal problems, Musculoskeletal complaints, trouble sleeping, chronic headaches and back pain.  I know he is constantly fatigued, nearing depression, dissociative, has poor self perceptions, and increased startle responses.  Yes, I've been trying to research the mental health sites, looking for any kind of advice and assistance for an adult MALE child of abuse.  My friends have all told me to just get rid of him...but aside from not being able to be intimate (which I desperately want with him) he is so very gentle, caring, & non abusive. He doesn't drink or do drugs, and I know he deeply cares for me, as I do him.  He has admitted he's got a problem, and would like to figure it out.  Can you help?  Is it too late to try and address the social and emotional disconnects?  He feels embarrassed, and ashamed for not having normal wants and desires, and doesn't want to see me hurt and disappointed any more. I don't want to quit on my best friend, or perhaps that's the only type of relationship we'll ever be able to have?  Just very good friends.  Help!!

Hi Barb,

It's very obvious to me that you truly love your husband, and I admire you for continuing to support him.  Abandoning him at this point would have very negative consequences for him, given his current state.  He has a lot of pain suppressed inside him and he gives only what he can emotionally afford to. 

You mentioned searching for help for adult males who suffered abuse as a child, and I agree that it is probably something you'll have a hard time finding.  Instead of being so specific, my advice (for what it's worth!) would be to try to find a very good psychotherapist.  That will take a little homework, but there should be resources in your area to help you find them, and don't be afraid to question them about their strengths and their ideas on proceeding with your situation.  There's no harm in going to just one session with at PT to present the basic story and hearing what their game plan would be.  It's sort of like doing an interview with them, and also let's you see how you feel talking to them, as that's paramount.

If your husband is willing to work on his problem, he needs to absolutely feel that you are his soft spot to fall, and as scary as it is for him, he needs to allow himself to be shown how to let his pain out, trusting that he is in a safe place.  That's where the psychotherapist comes in.  Psychotherapy doesn't pick apart the fine details of events and analyze them, but deals with them in a more tangible manner.  It teaches you how to begin vocalizing what you're feeling and what has happened to you in the past, and you also begin to learn why you have the emotional/mental/physical reactions that you do.  With this, you can then learn to deal with and manage all of this, to any degree of healing. 

Your husband may feel more comfortable beginning this process with just a psychotherapist, or he may feel safer having you there with him for the first few sessions.  At any rate, I would think that it would be beneficial for you to be included in a few sessions at some point.

There is definitely hope for your husband, as you say he's a caring and gentle person, and he wants to make things better.  He needs to understand that what he thinks of as not having "normal" wants and desires is just his inner self protecting him, as he has learned no other way to deal with his past.  It may be scary at first, but I have a really good feeling that your husband could have very great success with this and feel so much better.

Also, I do have a helpful little story that was told to me buy a man who had a similar situation, in that he didn't have the motherly nurturing because of an absent mother.  The effect it had on him and the experience that led to him resolving this issue is quite wonderful to hear, so if you'd like to hear it let me know and I'll email you about it.  I'll also try to help you with any other questions you might have about what I've said here.

Good luck and all the best to you and your husband....
:)

 AM NOT SURE WHERE TO START THIS IS MY FIRST ENTRY....

 

 I am a LIAR, I do it and truly do not know I am...until after the fact... then I live with them and live in constant fear that some one will "undercover" my lies.. IT is VERY stressful. I have been with my fiance for 5 years we have been engaged 3 times. and are kinda shaky because I do lie so much.. the last 9 months I have been in counseling and truly feel like I am making a change. And then ... dun dun dun .. i LIED...

 

 I didn't realize I was lying .. but my fiance caught me.. I told him I payed the rent and of course didn't then went and caught up my personal bills and now we are 2 months behind.. He went to go and try to get the landlord to work with us and she told him everything.. that we were 2 months late and i hadnt even called her.. he found out everything.. and instead of telling me.. or yelling (which does NOT work, it makes me want to lie more?) he waited till i brought it up... and now he is SO lost and doesn't know if he can stay with me because I lie so much..

 

I MEAN ALOT.. my family has to check every thing I say, to talk about my day at work is like presenting a testimony to a judge.. with the squinting eyes and all. I am so lost and feel like I have hit the fan and am over.. I have 2 baby girls with him.. and truly DO LOVE HIM.. But if he cant see i have a problem and I am getting help and every person with a problem will fall back and make mistakes then I am not sure this will work? does any one have any thoughts..

 

DOES ANY ONE SUFFER WITH THIS DISORDER... IF SO CAN YOU OFFER SOME SUPPORT ON HOW YOU ARE FIGHTING IT .. OR TRYING TO.. DO I NEED MEDS. OR CAN I DO IT ON MY OWN.. CAUSE I FEEL LIKE I AM LOOSING AND WHAT IS THE POINT.. I AM TRULY HAVING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS?

Hi Barbara,

 

   I hope you were able to read the response made by mediachick, as I feel she's really spot on,  and I totally agree with what she said. I am also an adult survivor of abuse,  and I don't think it is EVER too late to seek help and healthy change.  I wanted also to thank you for posting about your husbands' situation.  Now I know I am not alone.  Reading his list of ailments was like looking in a mirror.  For me, I think the physical symptoms I suffer are somehow very connected, if not a direct response to my emotional issues.  My thought is if I address my emotional problems, my physical symptoms might ease up a bit.  That sure would be a relief, and I have nothing to lose by trying to get help.

    Same goes for your husband.  He didn't get like this overnight, and it will take time to heal.  It's so wonderful he himself did not become abusive,  as many of the abused do.  I hope you both find what you need, have the patience to hang in there, and are gentle with yourselves through the process. 

Hello,

Can any one suggest a good book to start with dealing with anger management?

Thanks in advance

 

Hi Dr Phil,

 

do you know if percoset has aspiriin in it?

 

thank you.

ed

hello i have been trying to get disability for a year i have major depression,border personality disorder,anxeity disorder,paronona,and all those darn muscle pain from depression i have a lawyer,i talked to another person and it took them 8 month's to get their's and no lawyer so what am i doing wrong? any commit fromany one you can contact me at      mcintyreearl@netzero.com thank you

     I have just started using these boards and although you posted ages ago, I thought you might be around. I have a similar problem but for me it is a side effect of Bipolar. I lie when I am manic ( I actually believe what I am saying) but as I can cycle quite quickly I can realise I have lied within hours and then am so ashamed to have lied, so scared of being caught, so scared of losing my loved ones and friends I lie again to cover up. I don't have an  answer on how to stop. Hope someone else can help us both. I am on meds but for varying reasons am gettling pretty slack with these and have just relapsed and lied my head off and my partner is leaving. Hope to hear from you and maybe support each other.

Hi.  My name is Ellen.  My diagnosis is: Major Depression Recurrent

Basically what this means is that I will need the chemical help of meds for the rest of my life to keep my steady, unless there's a need to resort to other forms of treatment.  I am not in a depressive cycle right now and I want to tell everyone how absolutely wonderful it feels to be "free"!!!  I attribute my tremendous progress to being in the right place at the right time with the right medical help.  Thanks Be to God.  Sorry to get religious, just my belief.  I'll try to cut out the fat.  Lost two great jobs within 6 months of one another, was encouraged to apply for disability (had been in professional care for 5+ years prior but no episodes like this) so when I couldn't get out of bed to show up for the job following (balanced people DO NOT UNDERSTAND the "I can't get out of bed" thing; can't say I blame them and after what I've been through, don't wish that any of my doubters would ever experience this pain) them, I "gave in" and applied for Social Security Disability.  I had NO CLUE what was going on.  I am just so grateful that I had the most resourceful, intelligent, caring and believing professionals working with me.  If I remember correctly (which is sort-of a joke with me becuz I lost a lot of memory from ECT therapy), it took approx. 6 months for my application to process and be approved.  I credit my entire medical team (psychiatrist, social worker and endocrinologist--i'm diabetic, too) for supporting me through this.  You MUST have strong support from your healthcare providers!!!  I  CANNOT stress that enough.  You will probably be asked to see one of the government's appointed psychiatrists and if their observation supports the concerns of YOUR health professionals, it would be most helpful.  Of course, I don't make the decisions, just telling you about my experience with Disability.  I've been living off a fixed income for 5+ years, I'm a single woman, 39 years old, no assets, scraping pennies...and I CANNOT WAIT to start working part-time next week!!!!  The past 5 years...waow....I am so emotionally moved by all I had to face, do, etc. to fight for my life.  Not until 3 months ago did I realize what a freakin' fighter I am.  People who suffer from clinical mental illnesses deserve so much more credit than anyone knows about because they fought death after they were already there.  You do whatever it takes to take the best care of yourself that you can.  I don't know the kind of help you're getting, but if you're with good professionals who won't put up with your lies, excuses and manipulation from people like us (similar and sometimes hand-in-hand with addicts) and KNOW you can be much more productive to the human race, including yourself, I strongly encourage you to stick with them.  Not everyone ends up in the same place as I am....I know this.  However, you CAN be.  And I encourage you strongly to work toward it. 

PS  It's still hard work everyday.  Even with meds.