Topic : How I Got Help

Oh yeah, tests went fine...it doesn't hurt if you're as used to using needles as I was...um, just ignore that...I just feel guilty about taking up time about this stuff, me and whatnot, on these boards; I don't really have anything to offer anyone really in terms of help or answers or anything. I'm just desperate, I guess, for someone to talk to, for the illusion that I can help anyone, and mostly b/c I just want someone to help me, even if it's listening to posts that have nothing to do with the topic of the board (does that matter of we're the only two using it right now?)...wow, I'm rambling...

Hey and it fits the topic actually...How (WE)...I GOT help...So don't think for one minute I will let you get away with the ol needle remark hahaha EG!  Did you shoot up or self mutilate?  Come on what do you have to loose and besides isn't actually quite freeing to be able to say whatever you really need to say to get it out without judgment and ya never really know maybe just maybe I have done about 1000 times worse stuff than you! 

  

Now that I am thinking about your name....before Dr. Phil's  JOURNALS STOPPED I THINK I WROTE a POEM ABOUT YOU!  You inspired me to write a poem.  You were talking about being in class and how your parents don't understand you...I think it was you wasn't it?  How you sit in the back of the class...How you hope no one calls on you  am I right here or am I totally off or were you NOT EVEN jouraling?  OK if you weren't I would be SO EMBARRASSED! 

  

Anyway I wrote a poem here called DORTHY FRIENDS......If that WAS you  you inspired me!  See even in two country's the power you have.. 

  

I'm telling you EG  no matter what LABELS you have on you IGNORE THEM...YOUR BRAIN IS magnificent! 

  

I am wondering in LA SHELL?  I know I'm saying it wrong  On the West Island at a treatment place called PHOENIX house I did go to therapy up there  I was hating life...Therapy up there really isn't that progressive or at least it wasn't back in the day... 

  

Please good kid...You know I mean that Lovingly  go get DR. Phil's book LIFE STRATEGIES it gave me ALOT of coping skills and total INSIGHT into my family's BS and into my mind and it SAVED my life! 

Ta Ta tli late Cu tie...Saving?  Your Wonderful and Great!  Keep moving Forward with me!  

Holy G-d you DID read my journal! That is so cool, I thought maybe no one read them and I was the only one who did. But hey I wasn't talking to myself! Wow: I think G-d meant for us to meet...Yay...Yeah the needle thing, I used a lot of heroin, but it was only to make the coke last longer; it was a long time ago I guess. I'm clean now largely because I stopped when my partner had a baby, which is good since I ended up taking care of her and it seems that would be even harder to do if I was strung out. I did/do cut myself, also, though. Have you ever done that? My favorite metaphor to explain part of why I do that is from Dante's "Inferno". There's this part of Hell he invented where the people who have killed themselves all go (I don't believe suicides go to hell but that's another story), and for eternity the people there are souls transformed into trees. You can tell Dante hated them b'c they're the only ones to not get their bodies back on judgement day: they go up with everyone else to stand before G-d and get their bodies, but they are stuck as trees forever, and their bodies just hang from the branches. Long tanget. Anyway, the point is that Dante tries to talk to the trees to find out why they're like this & they can't answer: they're completely mute. But when an animal runs by and breaks a branch, the tree is suddenly able to speak (the logic is that since they hurt themselves in life only by being hurt can they speak). But I like to use the metaphor to mean that there is some pain deep in you that people who cut themselves can't voice, so they hurt themselves, and the blood/bruises/burn-marks speak the torment that you yourself cannot find the words to tell. And that's why it feels like a relief sometimes, and I know I feel better when I do it, b/c it releases something trapped inside me. The trick is learning to find another language to speak in that doesn't result in scarring, I think.

I agree with needing to forgive yourself. I don't think it's even possible to genuinely forgive another peson before you accept and forgive what you have done...for me, I feel as if I say I forgive someone for what they've done to me but I haven't forgiven myself for my own role, then it's realy all just empty words from my mouth. It's not me forgiving them, it's a version of me who's saying it as an expression of what I wish people could do for me, a yearning to be forgiven, a misunderstanding of where that forgiveness comes from. So it wouldn't really be me forgiving them as much as me voicing what I myself most want, and until that point where it comes from a genuine understanding of what it means to forgive, be forgiven, and accept that forgiveness for myself, anything I'd say to them wouldn't be real - or spoken from any real understanding of the words I'm saying. Does this make any sense?

NOW LISTEN TO ME>>> 

  

IF YOU REALLY MEAN WHAT YOU ARE SAYING ON THE DEPRESSION BOARDS TODAY I BELIEVE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE!!!!!!!!

I KNOW THAT LONELY DARK UNFORGIVING PLACE> IT SUCKS>>>IT SUCKS SO BAD>>> 

  

GET YOURSELF IN A CAB OR A CAR OR HOWEVER YOUR GOING TO GET THERE AND GET YOURSELF TO JEWISH GENERAL MEDICAL CENTER IN DOWNTOWN MONTREAL AND GET YOUR SELF HELP TODAY! 

  

Do they have a PHYCHward?  You might need a tweak or medication adjustment...YOU ARE NOT a doctor although your VERY VERY BRIGHT and one day instead of being a NURSE you should be a DOCTOR to help others  but just go in and get a CHECK UP from the NECK UP FOR REAL  and in NO TIME FLAT  like in 10 days or so you will be just so fine....prob ally by then I will need YOU so bad because I am going threw so MAJOR S*hi  ya know what I mean? 

  

Now tell me your going in so I can stop worrying about you!   xoxoxox LABEL FREE! 

I can't go to the hospital because my mother would kill me. Plus, if it shows up on my record I could lose my shot at practicing in the field I want. I guess I can't have a medication adjustment since I stopped taking the antidepressants the hospital prescribed me over two years ago...and they stopped giving me the 'bipolar' meds themselves...man oh man. 

  

I wish everyone was like you. All the people here are so nice, and YOU definitely understand me, us EG's.  

  

I wish I knew what stuff you're going through right now so I could help. It makes me feel better, actually, being needed, if only minorly. 

  

I see the psychiatris today, so you don't have to worry. And he won't put me in, which means I'll be fine, right? (since the two are mutually exclusive...yeah right...no meds/hospital does NOT equal health). 

  

But yeah, I'll be fine. I've never managed to kill myself yet so, clearly, at some deep level I don't really want to die.  

On a daily basis you feel like killing yourself....you cant go to the hospital because your MOTHER will KILL YOU...PLUS  If you do go and get the HELP YOU SO DESPERATELY NEED it will show up on your record?  HENCE NOT allow YOU TO PRACTICE IN THE FIELD YOU WISH? 

  

THERE IS a word for that EG  and that word is DISCRIMINATION.  IF YOUR SICK mentally or PHYSICALLY YOUR sick....YOUR NOT suppose to feel BAD every day of your life cu-tie your just NOT! 

  

THAT GOES FOR ME EITHER...I am suppose to be happy too...That is why I am making my exit plans away from my husband.  He has been VERBALLY abusing me for years. 

  

ITS not til you step back and really look at your life and to make actual choices you know? 

  

I do need you....I need you to get WELL with me... 

  

That letter to DEAR DR> PHIL I was talking about  I want you to write him an open letter here.. 

  

Starting with DEAR DR< PHIL 

  

How I got help BLAH BLAH BLAH  then make a pledge to him....By doing so in black and white here in this forum you are making a promise your also making a promise to me your other EG  xoxo some one who really truly cares about you.... 

  

Tell him what you have done to YOU  where you have been....You are so bright...he will truly appreciate that...he hates want a bees...your the real deal girl!....Your brain is like on fire.. 

  

I wouldn't say it if it were not true..I don't blow smoke up people a** in case you haven't noticed that...I'm from NJ...Ya here me  xox 

  

So get writing That letter...I am counting on you...I need you...I need to see how you and I are going to get better....Your Eg    xoxoxo LABEL FREE 

  

  

Write me when you can...I need you to get well...Your brain is well magnificent and you should not deprive the world of it..

If your husband abuses you, he just isn't the kind of person you should be with. Unless he changes, yeah exit plans sound realy good. A lot of people think 'words aren't abuse' but they are; I think, and this is just my opinion, but I think that's just as bad as anything else you could do, because the words get inside you and you begin to believe them, to the point where you don't even need them to be said anymore. I'm so glad you know it's not you, it's those words. That's really really strong: most women I know just get so broken from internalizing those things. I'm proud of you for knowing they aren't you, which is why you can see them and think about getting away from that situation. You should get Dr. Phil to say "Hey man, if you don't change, you're gonna lose her". I don't know if I can make a Dr. Phil pledge on the boards because I don't really know him: I mean, I know his advice and his shows, but I've never talked to him so it feels like promising something to a ghost or a fantasy, or an image of someone that I'VE created in my head from fragments. If it wouldn't be too much imposition - or make you uncomfortable - I'd pledge it to you. I look up to you, and I feel like I know you, and us EG's you know we've gotta stay tight. So if it's okay, just tell me what you want me to put in it, of where I've been and what I've done, and I'll make you a promise to get better here with you, and how I'm gonna get there. Plus, this way you'll know all about me (and I hope you'll still like me) and when I mess up and fall back a little you'll be there, because we're already a team.

Well I just walked about 10 miles no BS I started out at 730 am.  And then I started and It started to get hot..Hold on let me see if I can remember my good ol Kilometer is kilometers 2.2 equivalent to a mile? So lets see 20.4 kilometers?  hey maybe I am not sure...I REALLY REALLY REALLY STINK AT NUMBERS AND I AM NOT KIDDIND.. 

  

Not someone told me along time ago...Like I have an 8th grade or less level TRULY!  Numbers get all swim-my in my head...Then I dissociate  then I tune out...I HATE NUMBERS I HATE NUMBERS..ahhhh unch they stink..Do I sound like a little kid?Forget it!  That is why I will never be able to obtain my degree...SWEET EG...The secret is out I am a failure with ABSTRACT LOGICAL THINKING so I have been told over and over for 10 years by the Hus  I am not logical... 

  

Okay between me you and the lamppost lets talk about what I think your Mom's doing...remember I am just your pal from the STATES not a doctor or anything like that k?  I think she is holding you hostage sis...I think everyone else she is dogging out and who no longer is there is sick to death of hear her old tapes running over and over and over.. 

  

Oh by the way...I do believe your the kindest one in your family...Your the one who cares the most too.  You have the biggest heart.  Not only can I see and feel it threw your words  I can just tell because with what you want to be when you are done with school.  The type of nurse...But hey why not think about being a DR>>>>>You and that FABULOUS brain?>>>>>>EH? 

  

EG....You got to start being good to you...That is the weirdest thing me telling you that because its the hardest thing for me to do!  I am so kind to everyone in this whole damn world yet I rip myself off?  Why? Up until recently  low self esteem...I am building it though because I am worthy of goodness...and so are you...These unspeakable acts that cracked us as children need to be repaired inside.  With self love,  with prayers to GOD  <GOOD ORDERLY DIRECTION>, Hope, Kindness to self. 

  

Saying all of this and typing all of this WELL LET ME JUST SAY IT  I am going to have a nice ice cold bath wash my hair on This Hot August day and Ill check back with you later..xoxoxoxoxo