My OCD started about 14 years ago, when was 24 years old and in university. I didn't know it was OCD at the time. I was just searching for myself, trying to find out who I was, what I was meant to do with my life etc. After three years of reading and re-reading 30 or so books many times over concering the subjects of choosing a career and figuring out ones purpose in life, did I begin to think oddly.
I am not regilous, but given the time frame, the new age movement, and that some of the books I read had a new age slant to them, I would question whether I was choosen for some higher purpose and believed that I would get signs from god about what that purpose was. When I saw a priest, nun, church, or a street with a religous name, I believed that god was telling me to become a priest and give my life to god. The problem was, as I know now, that I didn't want to do that. While I liked helping people I didn't want to become a priest or work in religion as I am have always been an agnostic (a fence sitter as I call it). However, at the time I was obsessing about this issue, I was a mess. I would avoid churches, crosses, religous people in dress, streets with religous names or with St. or Saint in front of them because I would obsess that I was getting a message from god. Sounds easy but I live in a french city and churchs and religous street names are everywhere.
My obsession about finding the right job continued as I read and re-read many times the same books on the subject constantly hoping the next time I read the book, I would get the perfect answer (OCD).
Other obsessions that drove me to seek help were my obsessions with hurting people. When I was with a pretty woman I would have thoughts about hurting her, stabbing her. When I held a knife, a pencil, or anything sharp I had thoughts and urges to stab people with the object. Given these unsettling thoughts of violence I wondered whether I was an evil person, so then I had obsessions with the number 6 as in 666, you know the number of the beast etc. I would add, divide, multiply, etc all numbers I saw anywhere (TV sports jerseys, civic address numbers, invoice numbers, licence plate numbers) if the number could be calculated to be a 6 (12/2=6 2x3=6 24 2+4+6, etc) I believed I was given a sign that I was an evil person.
After seeing five therapists, I found one who knew what I had and withthe help of cognitive behavioral therapy, and lots of work, I was able to apply the techniques to rid myself of the bad obsessions. Now I am dealing with the neutral obsessions that are pervasive but I am working on them to get my life back. I have been avoiding working on them for many years because change is scary and takes work.
What I have noticed after talking to people with OCD and reading on the subject a bit is I think the way to handle OCD is two-fold.
First: You have to deal with the OCD through therapy and applying the theraputic techniques, in order to get the OCD symptoms under control & manageable.
Second : I think the core issue is what needs to be worked on: Low self-esteem, low-self worth, need to be perfect, not feeling lovable until..., & not feeling good enough. I believe the condition of OCD is our brains way telling us we are thinking about ourselves unhealthly, like someone with an eating disorder, we manifest these unhealthy thinking patterns via the disorder OCD. " I am not good enough, I am not as good as or I am not as successful as my friends at....(comparing), I am inadequate". These thoughts, in my opinion are the basis for our obsessive condition.
Any Thoughts?
