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Topic : 07/09 "You Owe Me an Apology!"

Number of Replies: 120
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Created on : Thursday, July 05, 2007, 02:30:43 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
These guests want an apology from a loved one, but the loved one refuses to say he or she is sorry! Christie says her husband, Vance, has abused her physically and emotionally. She says that not only did she have to have him arrested, but that he’s disrespectful to his stepchildren and calls them names like “sissy” and “promiscuous whore.” He has even been fired from three jobs for alleged sexual harassment. Vance says he does not owe his wife an apology, and his name-calling is just preparing the kids for the real world. Then, Tammy says she’s furious with her husband, Charles, who got gastric bypass surgery against her wishes. She says the surgery changed him for the worst and turned him into a cheater. Charles says he’s never cheated on his wife, and refuses to apologize for a surgery that saved his life. Is Tammy the one who owes Charles an apology for her suspicious behavior? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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July 7, 2007, 9:34 pm CDT

you didn't just hurt yourself

Quote From: mssbfava

I understand completely, I have lived in an abusive relationship for 34 years.  But I wish I had had the courage to leave the relationship along time ago.  Not only have I suffered but staying taught my children how to be abusive.  I feel ashamed to say this but I hope that my son's never marry because they are more abusive than their father.

 

You can't control other people, one can only control your own behavior.  I have made myself sick with resentment, because of the way I have been treated over the years. The only person I have hurt is myself.  Expectations of others is an illusion.  Realize this, move forward and your life will become better!

 

Hopefully, one day I will  have the courage to do the same.

You say the only person you have hurt is yourself. That is wrong. Your children didn't come into this world as abusers. It is a learned behavior. They have seen it for so long and think it is "normal". I was in an abusive relationship and my son saw me abused alot. When I saw that his anger was getting bad, I left my abuser. My son realized that he didn't need to act like that because he saw how much I hurt all the time. My son still gets pretty mad, but I think he can keep from hitting another person.
 
July 7, 2007, 10:01 pm CDT

You owe me an apology

First of all, any man that  calls my/our children names such as the ones described, would be sent sent packing.  That is emotional abuse to the children and they are the important ones here.  Second of all, he's been fired 3 times for sexual harrassment on the job. What has that got to do with getting any surgery to acuse him of cheating. He is a cheater. He is the Sorry one.

And Tammy, you are exposing yourself and children to abuse over and over again. Where is your self respect? Do you really think an "I'm sorry" would fix everything?  Words don't mean anything in a case like this. The tongue in ones shoe needs to do the talking. In other words, "Action"....Just as when someone loves you, they don't have to tell you all the time, they show you all the time....And it makes me sick to think that this man believes that you owe him an apology..For what? For his cheating and foul mouth? And if you can't trust the person you are with, you have no business being together.  I see a lot of damage here, and an "I'm sorry" won't  mean a thing. And I didn't see that you want a "I'm sorry" to your children. You should be telling them that you are sorry for allowing his verbal abuse to them. I see two selfish and self centered individuals here. Get a life and get as far away from that nasty man. Think of your children first, and their needs....Not your " wants".    

 

 
July 7, 2007, 11:17 pm CDT

you owe me an apology

 I know what tammy is going through i lived in the same situation for 21 years of my 36 year marriage. i aways said i would put up with it till my kids were grown. but let me tell you it was not worth it. they are grown now and my self confidence is so low i now stay in the marriage because i dont think i can make it on my own. i am 56 years old and scar for life inside and out from the physical and emotional abuse.  i dont trust men and dont know if i ever could. my husband killed my love a long time ago and i  have no feelings left. my advice to tammy is to get out of it while she can and while the kids are still young enough that they will survive the ordeal with out any emotional scars that will ruin them for life.  emotional scars hurt just as much as physical scars. believe tammy please get out before your self esteem is gone down to nothing and you wind up like  me and think of yourself as a worthless piece of nothing just existing for no reason except to clean and cook and keep clothes clean for the man who is suppose to take care of you but thinks of no one but hisself.

 
July 8, 2007, 12:45 am CDT

apology

It is sad that Christie allows Vance to speak to her children that way.  What kind of mother is she?  Not a very good one in my opinion.  Those children will surely be affected by this if it continues.  How very sad.
 
July 8, 2007, 4:25 am CDT

Gratitude

My mother did not receive an apology from my father until 30 years after the fact.

 

I'm not holding my breath while I wait for an apology from my ex-husband either lol

 

INSTEAD - what I figured, is that I could be Grateful that he taught me to have some Self-Respect by giving me none - and leaving it up to me to fill MYSELF with it.

 

He did  a really good job at that lol

 
July 8, 2007, 7:39 am CDT

07/09 "You Owe Me an Apology!"

Quote From: mssbfava

I understand completely, I have lived in an abusive relationship for 34 years.  But I wish I had had the courage to leave the relationship along time ago.  Not only have I suffered but staying taught my children how to be abusive.  I feel ashamed to say this but I hope that my son's never marry because they are more abusive than their father.

 

You can't control other people, one can only control your own behavior.  I have made myself sick with resentment, because of the way I have been treated over the years. The only person I have hurt is myself.  Expectations of others is an illusion.  Realize this, move forward and your life will become better!

 

Hopefully, one day I will  have the courage to do the same.

You stayed in the relationship when it was the worst time to stay in the relationship which was when you were raising your children.  I know you already feel really guilty about that but continuing to stay in the relationship also doesn't say anything to your children because your still telling them that it's okay.  34 years is a hell of a long time to think of yourself so badly, Do you even know who you are anymore? The answer to that is no, you don't.  How can you?  You've been trapped for SO long!  I know the abuse is scary and that a violent relationship is very hard to escape so I'd like to ask you why you didn't leave?  It's really not even about courage, it's about your self Worth.  Some one in your life really must of made you feel voiceless, powerless and helpless before you got into this relationship or I don't think you ever would have stayed.  You are a woman and no woman deserves to be treated like that!  It's never too late to leave.  This is something you really need to seek help for!  I think you should write to  Dr.Phil your situation may require some publicized help for your protection against your husband.  My guess is you've probably never called the authorities on him either, but how could you for fear of another beating.   I had a very abusive step father growing up and he had damaged me in many ways, so I know what it's like to live with violence.  Also do you know if he was abusive towards your children?  If so then why for the sake of your kids didn't you leave.  Not even that you, really should of left for the sake of your kids when you were being beaten.  The other lady is right they have learned how to be abusive they didn't come  like that and I think that's really sad Hun.  I know you don't want to live with that guilty conscious any more so it's high time you did something about it.  My guess is you won't listen to anything anyone has said about your message on the board and you'll continue to make up excuses for yourself to stay with him.  You need to set an example for your kids.  More then that you need to do this for you now, not anyone one else but you.  The first step here may not even be leaving your husband, maybe the first step is to seek counseling so you can begin to find yourself again and then perhaps you will know exactly what to do.  I know that you will only leave the relationship when your good and ready but shouldn't that time of come and gone by now?  No person deserves to live that way! No one!   You can do this and it all starts with a phone call or an email to Dr.Phil!  YOU NEED HIS HELP! and the protection that it will offer you being public therefore the media will be alert and you have sure fire proof when the divorce is being settled.  If anyone has anything bad to say about you please pay them no mind for I fear that people like that will get under your skin easily as you have allowed such an abusive relationship to go on for such long time.  I don't know how many times I can say this but you DON'T NEED TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!.  Find yourself and live for you.  I hope that your children aren't abusive towards you.  You need to find some support from someone.  May I ask who knows about this?..... Do any of your friends or family know? (if your even allowed to talk to them that is)  And another thing you shouldn't have to live in shame every day of your life.  Hun, you have got to be severely depressed, for how could anyone thrive in an environment like that.  You should practice what you preach.  Also what were the expectations of others that provided you with an illusion? FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE!

 

Rebecca

 

P.s.  Your right you can't control another persons behavior but you can sure teach them how you want to be treated, but also let me mention you may not of been taught those skills when you were growing up therefore how would know how to teach someone to treat you right.  I think your husband knew you were vulnerable, unprotected and a door mat and thats why he married you!

 
July 8, 2007, 7:40 am CDT

Chrisite, leave his sorry butt NOW!!!

 Chrisitie, LEAVE HIM NOW!!!  He's SO SCREWED UP that he's even telling the ENTIRE world that abusing you and your children is ok?!?!?!!!!!  When it's totally NOT!!!!!

Remaining with him is like you're pouring POISON into your heart AND into your children's hearts!!! Do you really want to do that to them??

You don't need to be SO scared of being on your own that you'd put up with this CRAP!! Dr Phil will probably offer you and your kids therapy ... accept his offer!! Let this show be the LAST time you let Vance be anywhere near you, let Dr Phil help you get safely divorced from this thug, and move on in your life, FREE from abuse!!

Because if you don't get Vance out of your house and your life NOW, your children will grow up JUST AS SCREWED UP as he is!!

Is that what you really want to do to your children?!
 
July 8, 2007, 7:43 am CDT

Tammy, what are you really afraid of??

You keep acting this way and you WILL drive your husband into another woman's arms, I guarantee it!!!

Why do you want that??

You answer that question, HONESTLY, and then you'll finally be admitting to some TRUTH.
 
July 8, 2007, 7:55 am CDT

Please Remember!!!!!!!!!!

Quote From: cougar39

It is sad that Christie allows Vance to speak to her children that way.  What kind of mother is she?  Not a very good one in my opinion.  Those children will surely be affected by this if it continues.  How very sad.
You have to remember that Cristie herself is trapped and being abused.  If she had the ability to leave she would and thats why she went to Dr.Phil.  She has already taken the first two steps which were 1. contacted somebody for help and 2. showed up at the Dr.Phil show and started to get help.  I'm sure watching her kids get verbally abused isn't something she prides herself on.  Cristie herself is also lost and needs support and guidance.  Her children have already been deeply affected by this and now she has the opportunity to turn it all around.  Her and her children are going to need counseling! Long term and she's going to have to learn how to start over, this isn't an easy thing for her and her children.
 
July 8, 2007, 7:58 am CDT

I agree

Quote From: gratefulsue

First of all, any man that  calls my/our children names such as the ones described, would be sent sent packing.  That is emotional abuse to the children and they are the important ones here.  Second of all, he's been fired 3 times for sexual harrassment on the job. What has that got to do with getting any surgery to acuse him of cheating. He is a cheater. He is the Sorry one.

And Tammy, you are exposing yourself and children to abuse over and over again. Where is your self respect? Do you really think an "I'm sorry" would fix everything?  Words don't mean anything in a case like this. The tongue in ones shoe needs to do the talking. In other words, "Action"....Just as when someone loves you, they don't have to tell you all the time, they show you all the time....And it makes me sick to think that this man believes that you owe him an apology..For what? For his cheating and foul mouth? And if you can't trust the person you are with, you have no business being together.  I see a lot of damage here, and an "I'm sorry" won't  mean a thing. And I didn't see that you want a "I'm sorry" to your children. You should be telling them that you are sorry for allowing his verbal abuse to them. I see two selfish and self centered individuals here. Get a life and get as far away from that nasty man. Think of your children first, and their needs....Not your " wants".    

 

I agree and very straight to the point but also just a little harsh.
 
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