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Topic : 07/09 "You Owe Me an Apology!"

Number of Replies: 120
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Created on : Thursday, July 05, 2007, 02:30:43 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
These guests want an apology from a loved one, but the loved one refuses to say he or she is sorry! Christie says her husband, Vance, has abused her physically and emotionally. She says that not only did she have to have him arrested, but that he’s disrespectful to his stepchildren and calls them names like “sissy” and “promiscuous whore.” He has even been fired from three jobs for alleged sexual harassment. Vance says he does not owe his wife an apology, and his name-calling is just preparing the kids for the real world. Then, Tammy says she’s furious with her husband, Charles, who got gastric bypass surgery against her wishes. She says the surgery changed him for the worst and turned him into a cheater. Charles says he’s never cheated on his wife, and refuses to apologize for a surgery that saved his life. Is Tammy the one who owes Charles an apology for her suspicious behavior? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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July 8, 2007, 8:28 am CDT

Whose body anyway?

I guess I must have missed the part that gave Tammy the right to dictate Charlies' right to be a Healthy, productive member of society.  I think gastric by-pass is a big step, maybe particulary for a man( they all seem to fear medical proceedures more than we do).  If he is cheating, and it doesn't really sound so, it's because he had a problem dealing with her controlling, unpleasant personality.  I wish him the best of luck in the first new days of his life. Tammy should be pleased that he has the courage to change.
 
July 8, 2007, 10:34 am CDT

07/09 "You Owe Me an Apology!"

Quote From: su2rfree

Sadly, when a person cannot apologize of their own volition, it is worthless to demand it.  I found over many years that there are very few people that will apologize willingly let alone admit or take responsibility for inappropriate actions.  The very best you can hope for is a positive change and maybe you can forgive which helps much more personally than an apology ever will.  This woman and her children need to walk away and determine why she herself subconciously chooses abusive men.  I doubt seriously she set out thinking "I want to marry an abusive person to hurt me and my children"!  Many people can be deceitful for a period of time but there are always warning signs that I believe we cannot or choose not to see thinking I can fix this or things will change after we get married.  I learned that the hard way.  I chose not to remarry since the chances of doing it again are very high without long term counseling.  I did receive counseling but found my life much better being happpy with myself and living on my own with my pets.  There is nothing better than having a simple peaceful life.   I wish only the best for the woman and her children.

I can see your point.  I am one of the few people that does take responsibility for my actions.  Being the youngest of a large family, my sibs dump on me constantly and if I ever get an apology, it's a sweeping one-  Like: "if I did anything wrong, then I'm sorry."  They have even called me after doing me wrong and told me that they wouldn't apologize.  I've also experienced people misrepresenting themselves--and it's true--they can only keep it up for so long before their true colors come through.  We probably have a very similar background.  I really "get" where you are right now.  I've been there too. After two marriages, I felt just like you--that I would pick that same guy again.  For years, my main family was my cats-they don't lie to you, use or abuse you.  But, they're cats!!  Looking back, I was healing-(if not wallowing in self pity and hiding from the world) Remember that old joke about marrying the next guy that you're not the least bit attracted to?   Well, I gave that guy a second look--and a third look.  He had the same experiences with his wives that I did w/my husbands.  Now, we've been happily married for 4 years.   I never knew life could be this good.  It was really hard to let myself be vulnerable again, but it was worth it.  Maybe it's time to rethink your position and take a chance.

 
July 8, 2007, 10:51 am CDT

Apology good luck with that one,,

I was married to a man for eight years, at first it was great but as the years went on he began to show his true self. At first I thought it was my fault and I tried everything in my power to make it work but it dint.. So I did the only thing I could and got out. I tried to get him to go to therapy but he refused so that was the last straw. I felt I deserved better and so did our children. After I divorced him he became more violent and cruel, after restraining orders and child support, he learned not to mess with me. I know its hard to leave and I know you think about your kids but if your not happy how can your children be happy? Dont let anyone make you feel less than you are, get out. I have never got an apology and I really dont want one. If he had not been a bad man I would not be able to appreciate what I have now.

 
July 8, 2007, 12:51 pm CDT

Some people AREN'T sorry......

My mother died from a brain tumor in 2000.  My brothers did nothing to help care for her when she was dying.  One brother was single, no kids;  the other one had a wife but no kids at home. I was a single mom with 3 kids at home.  I took a leave of absence from my job and my kids and I moved in with her so she could die at home with her family around her.  I cherish the time I had taking care of her, the long talks we had, the nights we sat up watching movies, the nachos we shared, the Blizzards from Dairy Queen.  One of my sons was her cookie man, he'd get her one and get himself two.  My daughter laid up in the hospital bed with her grandma and watched movie after movie, over and over like kids like to.  My other son slept on the floor next to her hospital bed.  We have special memories of her last months on earth.  Memories that my brothers don't have because they were too busy with their lives.  And then to top it off, they never ever thanked me for taking care of mama and making the sacrifices I did in order to be able to do it.  Instead they were going to sue me because they think I did not divide her estate properly.  I still have all her things because they only came one day and got what they wanted and left.  They weren't there to help me pack up her home because it was sold before she died and we had to get out of it so the new owners could move in.

 

I only wanted a thank you from them.

 
July 8, 2007, 12:58 pm CDT

07/09 "You Owe Me an Apology!"

Quote From: nuthouse

I was married to a man for eight years, at first it was great but as the years went on he began to show his true self. At first I thought it was my fault and I tried everything in my power to make it work but it dint.. So I did the only thing I could and got out. I tried to get him to go to therapy but he refused so that was the last straw. I felt I deserved better and so did our children. After I divorced him he became more violent and cruel, after restraining orders and child support, he learned not to mess with me. I know its hard to leave and I know you think about your kids but if your not happy how can your children be happy? Dont let anyone make you feel less than you are, get out. I have never got an apology and I really dont want one. If he had not been a bad man I would not be able to appreciate what I have now.

It was really lovely to read your story. I am glad that you are a strong independent woman.  It's nice to hear a story where someone actually learns something from their experience.  Good luck and my best wishes to you.

 

Rebecca

 
July 8, 2007, 1:19 pm CDT

AMEN!!!

Quote From: lmwatson

 My former husband after 22 years of me giving up jobs and moving so HE could succeed, had an affair with my boy's  "female" boy scout leader.

He is still with her.  They broke up 2 families.

I deserve an apology for all the hurt he put me through and just tossing me aside so he could give everything we worked for to a new person.

Don't we all deserve an apology and the children deserve it even more.  My relationship was destroyed when a married woman pursued my partner and has him believing she is "the love of his life".  Well sure, all the excitement and subterfuge involved to deceive two different partners I guess makes it better.

 

Good luck to you!

 
July 8, 2007, 1:35 pm CDT

07/09 "You Owe Me an Apology!"

Quote From: nantzeet

I can see your point.  I am one of the few people that does take responsibility for my actions.  Being the youngest of a large family, my sibs dump on me constantly and if I ever get an apology, it's a sweeping one-  Like: "if I did anything wrong, then I'm sorry."  They have even called me after doing me wrong and told me that they wouldn't apologize.  I've also experienced people misrepresenting themselves--and it's true--they can only keep it up for so long before their true colors come through.  We probably have a very similar background.  I really "get" where you are right now.  I've been there too. After two marriages, I felt just like you--that I would pick that same guy again.  For years, my main family was my cats-they don't lie to you, use or abuse you.  But, they're cats!!  Looking back, I was healing-(if not wallowing in self pity and hiding from the world) Remember that old joke about marrying the next guy that you're not the least bit attracted to?   Well, I gave that guy a second look--and a third look.  He had the same experiences with his wives that I did w/my husbands.  Now, we've been happily married for 4 years.   I never knew life could be this good.  It was really hard to let myself be vulnerable again, but it was worth it.  Maybe it's time to rethink your position and take a chance.

your story made me appreciate my first Boyfriend in high school.  His name was Jeff Cooper.  He wasn't super hot but he was the sweetest guy I have ever been with.  I broke up with him for someone who was the exact opposite.  Very hot but not so nice.  In fact he was very very abusive verbally, mentally and emotionally.  He was very bitter from a previous relationship and I was only 16 at the time and he was 21.  I got pregnant right off the hop - within the first week of dating.  He was nice at first then he showed his true colors(or so I thought).  Although they weren't really who he was.  But I didn't find that out until later.  I left him 3 times..... the first time it was only for 2 weeks.... he said he would change and he was nice to me for a week......the second time I left him for 1 month and he was generally overall a little bit better, but he was still very verbally  abusive , and still very lazy.................the third time I left him It was for 6 months.... we still saw each other and had sex but I wouldn't let him move home.  He went suicidal....he lost it ...........I looked at him and i saw that he really was sorry... I saw the pain in his face.......He wanted to drive his car off the Atherly Bridge in my hometown.  Something I didn't know about him was that when he was younger he used to get black outs when he got really mad....I wouldn't let him get in the car so he tried lighting himself on fire and slitting his wrists and then he took off running.  The kids were in the house sleeping So I called my Mom to go and get him.  She  found him and when he got back he appeared to be confused.  He didn't remember doing any of those things.   We still didn't get back together for another two weeks, and I didn't really want to but my children were really suffering without him, so even though I didn't love him i let him come back.  He changed!  I never thought it would happen and it's a crazy story for sure.  It's not the way things normally happen I must admit ,but my leaving him to prove that the grass was greener on the other side for me with out him worked.  Let me state for the record he has never ever acted like that and he naturally has a lot of patience and I swear he is the worlds greatest dad.  He does everything with them.  My conclusion is he had some type of psychotic break because he realized he lost all the things that were most important to him.  He is a great husband and a great dad.  He worked on himself and he became a better person.  He tries to say I made him a better person but I insist that he is the one who did the work to change therefore he made himself a better person, but he still thanks me for it(although he shouldn't).  I'm by no means saying that this what these women should do, all I'm doing is sharing my experience.  It's strange I know but I am in a very happy, communicative and successful relationship with my husband and I love him.  Oh yeah we've been together 6 years  first 3 were bad last 3 have been amazing.
 
July 8, 2007, 2:35 pm CDT

Message:>)

I had posted on the bipolar board when my mood got too high and I had been pulled into an addiction to these message boards.

My Dr. explained that with bipolar if there is something  where you get  stuck, you need a stronger medication to pull you out of it. 

  the second one I  have been able to take with success and few side effects!!

 The people on the bipolar board were very nice. The one side effect has been I have been watching all the CBS soap operas, :>)  and other shows.:>)Hmmmmmmmmm.:>)

 Haven't missed a thing.:>)

Sometimes when the world is turning you need to find your   Special Guiding light  :>) , and  the Young and the Restless will keep your spirits  going and you realize there are a lot of kind souls out there in this business. Thank you: God Bless your talents and spirit. Chris 

 I sure hope I'm right about this.....or off to the farm for me:>) HA HA 

 
July 8, 2007, 8:41 pm CDT

reponse to message

Quote From: rebalacia

You stayed in the relationship when it was the worst time to stay in the relationship which was when you were raising your children.  I know you already feel really guilty about that but continuing to stay in the relationship also doesn't say anything to your children because your still telling them that it's okay.  34 years is a hell of a long time to think of yourself so badly, Do you even know who you are anymore? The answer to that is no, you don't.  How can you?  You've been trapped for SO long!  I know the abuse is scary and that a violent relationship is very hard to escape so I'd like to ask you why you didn't leave?  It's really not even about courage, it's about your self Worth.  Some one in your life really must of made you feel voiceless, powerless and helpless before you got into this relationship or I don't think you ever would have stayed.  You are a woman and no woman deserves to be treated like that!  It's never too late to leave.  This is something you really need to seek help for!  I think you should write to  Dr.Phil your situation may require some publicized help for your protection against your husband.  My guess is you've probably never called the authorities on him either, but how could you for fear of another beating.   I had a very abusive step father growing up and he had damaged me in many ways, so I know what it's like to live with violence.  Also do you know if he was abusive towards your children?  If so then why for the sake of your kids didn't you leave.  Not even that you, really should of left for the sake of your kids when you were being beaten.  The other lady is right they have learned how to be abusive they didn't come  like that and I think that's really sad Hun.  I know you don't want to live with that guilty conscious any more so it's high time you did something about it.  My guess is you won't listen to anything anyone has said about your message on the board and you'll continue to make up excuses for yourself to stay with him.  You need to set an example for your kids.  More then that you need to do this for you now, not anyone one else but you.  The first step here may not even be leaving your husband, maybe the first step is to seek counseling so you can begin to find yourself again and then perhaps you will know exactly what to do.  I know that you will only leave the relationship when your good and ready but shouldn't that time of come and gone by now?  No person deserves to live that way! No one!   You can do this and it all starts with a phone call or an email to Dr.Phil!  YOU NEED HIS HELP! and the protection that it will offer you being public therefore the media will be alert and you have sure fire proof when the divorce is being settled.  If anyone has anything bad to say about you please pay them no mind for I fear that people like that will get under your skin easily as you have allowed such an abusive relationship to go on for such long time.  I don't know how many times I can say this but you DON'T NEED TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!.  Find yourself and live for you.  I hope that your children aren't abusive towards you.  You need to find some support from someone.  May I ask who knows about this?..... Do any of your friends or family know? (if your even allowed to talk to them that is)  And another thing you shouldn't have to live in shame every day of your life.  Hun, you have got to be severely depressed, for how could anyone thrive in an environment like that.  You should practice what you preach.  Also what were the expectations of others that provided you with an illusion? FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE!

 

Rebecca

 

P.s.  Your right you can't control another persons behavior but you can sure teach them how you want to be treated, but also let me mention you may not of been taught those skills when you were growing up therefore how would know how to teach someone to treat you right.  I think your husband knew you were vulnerable, unprotected and a door mat and thats why he married you!

I have no support, my family do not think very much of me and they have judged me accordingly.  I cant tell you the number of times I thought that maybe it would be better just to not be here.  I did tell the police years ago and stayed in shelters a lot of times, but I did not have a great education and did not want to raise the kids in bad housing ... I guess I just thought , in my warped sense of thinking  that it was better to stay here.

 

He has threatened to destroy the house, he has thrown tea at me.... I dont have any friends and I have no where to go.  I am just tired.

 

He is an alcoholic who does not drink that much any more but suffers a great deal of pain because of his back and is now addicted to pain medication.  I don't live with a person I live with a disease.  

 

Your right I do  not have any self esteem, but I have been part of the problem too.

 
July 8, 2007, 8:48 pm CDT

WOOHOOO!

So thankful for no more re-runs....Glad to see you are back to work Doctor Phil, Robin and staff. 

 

I don't believe you can force or shame ANYONE into an apology if they aren't  freely willing to give one no matter how right or wrong they are!   Need I say more?  

 

 

 

 
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