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Topic : 07/09 "You Owe Me an Apology!"

Number of Replies: 120
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Created on : Thursday, July 05, 2007, 02:30:43 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
These guests want an apology from a loved one, but the loved one refuses to say he or she is sorry! Christie says her husband, Vance, has abused her physically and emotionally. She says that not only did she have to have him arrested, but that he’s disrespectful to his stepchildren and calls them names like “sissy” and “promiscuous whore.” He has even been fired from three jobs for alleged sexual harassment. Vance says he does not owe his wife an apology, and his name-calling is just preparing the kids for the real world. Then, Tammy says she’s furious with her husband, Charles, who got gastric bypass surgery against her wishes. She says the surgery changed him for the worst and turned him into a cheater. Charles says he’s never cheated on his wife, and refuses to apologize for a surgery that saved his life. Is Tammy the one who owes Charles an apology for her suspicious behavior? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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July 8, 2007, 9:50 pm CDT

You owe yourself an apology

Dear Christie: I believe that you owe yourself an apology. For staying l more moment with Vance than you have. It is not loving yourself and showing the children by example that this relationship is unhealthy. From experience speaking you need to go away and start healing yourself. You cannot fix Vance. Vance is toxic and you are by being his victim. Do you want to see these children repeat the behavior of aggressor, or victim? I do not believe so. Many women and children have suffered, some even lost their lives for us to have the help available. I went to a shelter with my son, left, got into another relationship, after all he was the abuser. I still had the weakness that got me into an abusive relationship in the first place. There are different kinds of abusers in all different disguises. I had a daughter whom I am raising with the support of my family and church, which she brought me to by being born with a large hole in her heart, which by the way is small and she is doing wonderful. It is not easy, but it is worth it. I want better for her and my grandchildren. I have made a life decision that I will only marry my best friend, someone that I have known for at least 2 yrs. formal, and informal dating. I want him to accept me and love me for whom I am, and appreciate me. It has been a long road to look in the mirror and love myself. That is what church has given me.I also found the book he's just not that into you very helpful. Obmitting  the sex and alcahol chapters. I will marry a man with the same standards that I have. There are good, happy, wholesome people, raising children who are the same. As for Vance, I hope that  he has a mustard seed of faith, that there are good, wholesome, happy, people out there and gets healed himself, making changes for his children and their childrens sake. That is up to Vance, it is his choice to do so. Sometimes it takes a loss, having something taken away, a consequence to make change. The benefit to Vance being willing to learn and make the changes for his children and their children. Please Christie, go away, and heal yourself. Be smart and be safe. I know Dr. Phil can help. What a blessing, some of us did not have this luxury.
 
July 8, 2007, 9:58 pm CDT

You owe me an apology

Quote From: rebalacia

I agree and very straight to the point but also just a little harsh.
Sometimes being a little "harsh" is what is nececessary to get someone to lake a look at others needs rather than their on. IE: Her children. What the heck good would saying I'm sorry do here?...And most of all, to not even mention the children and what they have been exposed to. This man is a cheater and has been long before the surgery. You don't get fired 3 times for sexual harrassment for no reason.  The idea of him wanting an apology from her is absurd. Because he has been "accused" of cheating? The proof is in the pudding (so to speak)...He is a cheater and a foul mouth abuser. I wonder how much respect her children have for their Mother. To let him stay around and continue the abuse?....As you can see, I am one that is all for the childrens well being. I am a counselor myself, and have worked with many young people that have been exposed to this type of abuse. It is very damaging..They all need help here if this relationship is going to continue. I would love to hear what the children have to say about it if given the chance....  
 
July 8, 2007, 10:04 pm CDT

Youowe me an apology

Quote From: flower65

I guess I must have missed the part that gave Tammy the right to dictate Charlies' right to be a Healthy, productive member of society.  I think gastric by-pass is a big step, maybe particulary for a man( they all seem to fear medical proceedures more than we do).  If he is cheating, and it doesn't really sound so, it's because he had a problem dealing with her controlling, unpleasant personality.  I wish him the best of luck in the first new days of his life. Tammy should be pleased that he has the courage to change.
Well, my jMother said it best to me whe I married at the age of 17. She somehow knew he was an abuser, and she was right. Charles  has ben fired 3 times for sexual harrassment. Prior to the bypass. Now, is that cheating or not? So here is what my Mom told me.."A leopard don't change his spots."
 
July 8, 2007, 10:21 pm CDT

Response to Rebecca

Quote From: rebalacia

You stayed in the relationship when it was the worst time to stay in the relationship which was when you were raising your children.  I know you already feel really guilty about that but continuing to stay in the relationship also doesn't say anything to your children because your still telling them that it's okay.  34 years is a hell of a long time to think of yourself so badly, Do you even know who you are anymore? The answer to that is no, you don't.  How can you?  You've been trapped for SO long!  I know the abuse is scary and that a violent relationship is very hard to escape so I'd like to ask you why you didn't leave?  It's really not even about courage, it's about your self Worth.  Some one in your life really must of made you feel voiceless, powerless and helpless before you got into this relationship or I don't think you ever would have stayed.  You are a woman and no woman deserves to be treated like that!  It's never too late to leave.  This is something you really need to seek help for!  I think you should write to  Dr.Phil your situation may require some publicized help for your protection against your husband.  My guess is you've probably never called the authorities on him either, but how could you for fear of another beating.   I had a very abusive step father growing up and he had damaged me in many ways, so I know what it's like to live with violence.  Also do you know if he was abusive towards your children?  If so then why for the sake of your kids didn't you leave.  Not even that you, really should of left for the sake of your kids when you were being beaten.  The other lady is right they have learned how to be abusive they didn't come  like that and I think that's really sad Hun.  I know you don't want to live with that guilty conscious any more so it's high time you did something about it.  My guess is you won't listen to anything anyone has said about your message on the board and you'll continue to make up excuses for yourself to stay with him.  You need to set an example for your kids.  More then that you need to do this for you now, not anyone one else but you.  The first step here may not even be leaving your husband, maybe the first step is to seek counseling so you can begin to find yourself again and then perhaps you will know exactly what to do.  I know that you will only leave the relationship when your good and ready but shouldn't that time of come and gone by now?  No person deserves to live that way! No one!   You can do this and it all starts with a phone call or an email to Dr.Phil!  YOU NEED HIS HELP! and the protection that it will offer you being public therefore the media will be alert and you have sure fire proof when the divorce is being settled.  If anyone has anything bad to say about you please pay them no mind for I fear that people like that will get under your skin easily as you have allowed such an abusive relationship to go on for such long time.  I don't know how many times I can say this but you DON'T NEED TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!.  Find yourself and live for you.  I hope that your children aren't abusive towards you.  You need to find some support from someone.  May I ask who knows about this?..... Do any of your friends or family know? (if your even allowed to talk to them that is)  And another thing you shouldn't have to live in shame every day of your life.  Hun, you have got to be severely depressed, for how could anyone thrive in an environment like that.  You should practice what you preach.  Also what were the expectations of others that provided you with an illusion? FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE!

 

Rebecca

 

P.s.  Your right you can't control another persons behavior but you can sure teach them how you want to be treated, but also let me mention you may not of been taught those skills when you were growing up therefore how would know how to teach someone to treat you right.  I think your husband knew you were vulnerable, unprotected and a door mat and thats why he married you!

Hi Rebecca me again ... cant sleep.  I have been played the victim my whole life, the last few years though I don't know who I am anymore.  My life was never normal, but I use to have spark and a life, well at least I use to do things. My husband never abused the kids, he was a good father.  He has had physical altercations with the 2 boys when they were adults......

 

I quit living when we took our 17 year old daughter, Karen off life support in 1991 after she was in a motor vehicle accident.  I still had young children ... so I think that is what kept me from giving up on life all together.  The youngest two were 9 months and 5 years.  My oldest boy was 12 at the time and I was so busy with the young two and I was so messed up that he turned to drugs and alcohol to sedate his feelings.  He is a full blown alcoholic now.  I detoxed him with the help of our family doctor just over a year ago, but I know he has started drinking again.

 

Mike who is now 21 ... I pray for him a lot because he has gotten himself into some fixes.  We have had our car smashed in the driveway and drug dealers at the door threatening him, all this during the time that my mother was dying of cancer.  My family felt I did not spend enough time with our mother during that time.  Neither my brother or my sister has children and they just dont get it. 

 

I suffer from extreme anxiety and since my daughter died I have put on 100 pounds. 

 

My oldest daughter got married November 11 last year and I did not attend the wedding because she was married in Utah and my anxiety was so bad.

 

I know that I have to care about myself, because no one can fix me but me, I just dont know where to start.  I use to have will power and discipline but I dont have those things anymore.  AS sick as this sounds I dont know if I could make on my own at this point and I am afraid of what my husbands reaction would be if I was to tell him I dont want to be with him anymore.  I think that we are both sick people just waiting it out until one of us dies and the prize is the house.

 

The only friend I have is GOD and sometimes I wonder if he is there or just wondering like everyone else ... what is wrong with you ... why dont you just get it.

 
July 9, 2007, 5:36 am CDT

Joint decision?

Quote From: patriots_fan

APOLOGY???? This woman needs to walk out on this jerk  yesterday!  Anyone  who would talk to children that way needs to have Social Services involved. That is verbal abuse, and can be as detrimental as physical abuse. 

 

As for the gastric bypass surgery.  Aren't things like that supposed to be joint decisions? 

You are correct when you say that decisions impacting a family should be made jointly, but that's not the reality of life. Women have been choosing to undergo surgical procedures for years, ie. plastic surgery, bypass surgery, abortion, etc., without their partners' support. Why should it be different because it's a man who elects to have the surgery? Ask yourself if you would you have made the same statement had the wife been the one who chose to have the surgery.
 
July 9, 2007, 6:04 am CDT

07/09 "You Owe Me an Apology!"

Quote From: gardenias

I had posted on the bipolar board when my mood got too high and I had been pulled into an addiction to these message boards.

My Dr. explained that with bipolar if there is something  where you get  stuck, you need a stronger medication to pull you out of it. 

  the second one I  have been able to take with success and few side effects!!

 The people on the bipolar board were very nice. The one side effect has been I have been watching all the CBS soap operas, :>)  and other shows.:>)Hmmmmmmmmm.:>)

 Haven't missed a thing.:>)

Sometimes when the world is turning you need to find your   Special Guiding light  :>) , and  the Young and the Restless will keep your spirits  going and you realize there are a lot of kind souls out there in this business. Thank you: God Bless your talents and spirit. Chris 

 I sure hope I'm right about this.....or off to the farm for me:>) HA HA 

I just started taking it about 2 weeks ago so don't worry, I am like so totally out of here. thank goodness it is working.. I just did notice some of the stuff going on. It was fun, and  now  time to move on. 
 
July 9, 2007, 6:30 am CDT

Vance

There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.  Being ingnorant means you just don't know any better because you have never been exposed to the knowledge.  Stupid means you damn well know better and you do it anyway.  The only lesson you are teaching those kids is that they have an idiot for a step father.
 
July 9, 2007, 8:00 am CDT

hey

 hey you and your kids deserves better than that i believe if a man hurts you and your kids that it is time to leave him and find a safer place for you and your kids to go to like family







 
July 9, 2007, 8:31 am CDT

You are NOT despearte and you WILL succeed

Quote From: mssbfava

I have no support, my family do not think very much of me and they have judged me accordingly.  I cant tell you the number of times I thought that maybe it would be better just to not be here.  I did tell the police years ago and stayed in shelters a lot of times, but I did not have a great education and did not want to raise the kids in bad housing ... I guess I just thought , in my warped sense of thinking  that it was better to stay here.

 

He has threatened to destroy the house, he has thrown tea at me.... I dont have any friends and I have no where to go.  I am just tired.

 

He is an alcoholic who does not drink that much any more but suffers a great deal of pain because of his back and is now addicted to pain medication.  I don't live with a person I live with a disease.  

 

Your right I do  not have any self esteem, but I have been part of the problem too.

Your post brought tears to my ears. One has to wonder if your distain for YOURSELF is not what is the biggest part of all your problems. Until you deem yourself worthy, nobody else will. Your children love you; suicide is the most selfish of acts. It tosses the pain and self-doubt onto the next generation.

 

You can open and phone book and start making calls. There is free counseling out there for those who need it. Social service agencies (govt and private) will be listed in the phone books. If one agency can't help you, ask for a referral to another. Don't stop phoning until you've found the help you need. Additionally, any quality pastor/priest will meet with you, even if you aren't a member of his/her church.

 

Why not take a chance at FINALLY being happy and healthy? You DO have a place to go, providing you take the first step and start making calls. What are you waiting for? There's no white knight that will come and save you. YOU must save YOURSELF. And I KNOW you can do it!!! Now get busy.....:)  Make THIS the first day of your new, GREAT life......

 
July 9, 2007, 8:37 am CDT

They can't give you what they aren't capable of giving

Quote From: beejoe05

My mother died from a brain tumor in 2000.  My brothers did nothing to help care for her when she was dying.  One brother was single, no kids;  the other one had a wife but no kids at home. I was a single mom with 3 kids at home.  I took a leave of absence from my job and my kids and I moved in with her so she could die at home with her family around her.  I cherish the time I had taking care of her, the long talks we had, the nights we sat up watching movies, the nachos we shared, the Blizzards from Dairy Queen.  One of my sons was her cookie man, he'd get her one and get himself two.  My daughter laid up in the hospital bed with her grandma and watched movie after movie, over and over like kids like to.  My other son slept on the floor next to her hospital bed.  We have special memories of her last months on earth.  Memories that my brothers don't have because they were too busy with their lives.  And then to top it off, they never ever thanked me for taking care of mama and making the sacrifices I did in order to be able to do it.  Instead they were going to sue me because they think I did not divide her estate properly.  I still have all her things because they only came one day and got what they wanted and left.  They weren't there to help me pack up her home because it was sold before she died and we had to get out of it so the new owners could move in.

 

I only wanted a thank you from them.

You don't NEED their appreciation or any thank you form them. As you said, you cherish the time you had with your mother. God is smiling down on you for your selflessness. Your children have learned from you (not your words, but more importantly your actions) and they will become quality adults because of you.

 

Pity your brothers; how sad and pitiful that they lack compassion and intregrity. Imagine how truly unhappy they are when they are alone and look in the mirror; THEY know the truth about themselves.

 

You have given yourself the best gift a person can get. You have the peace of mind knowing you helped a dying woman who brought you into this world and raised you. You should find comfort in that and in the fact that you are a wonderful soul who did so much for no monetary gain.

 

Be honest and let the losers sue you. It just continues to show what sorry human beings they are. You don't need them. Surround yourself with family and friends who appreciate you and love you. Leave the door open for your brothers, but DO NOT allow them to abuse you emotionally.

 

God bless you for taking care of your father. I did a similar thing after hating my father for three decades. I was with him when he died and gave the eulogy at his funeral. I am at peace with myself and I cherish my last three years with my father. That is more than your brothers will ever have!

 

 

 
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