Topic : 07/13 Prison Moms

The attrition rate for convicts returning to prison is sad... the odds really are against her, but taking personal responsibility will go along way. 

There's a documentary called "Troop 1500" about a group of Girl Scouts who visit their moms in prison once a month... check it out for a real powerful show about daughters and their mothers in prison.

One former prisoner my church was/is working with will celebrate her 1 year anniversary of release tomorrow!  She has a job and is taking steps to get life back on track.

"This is pretty evident as I read post filled with negative judgements and from those who lack the empathy to even want to understand these women who end up in prison... "

I think that "understanding these women who end up in prison" is a luxury and is dodging the real issue, anyway.  If you, as her mother, want to contemplate her bellybutton with her, go ahead, but me, no way.  The immedate need is for the children that the imprisoned mothers left behind.  If these women cannot uphold the obligations of being a responsible parent, whether due to lack of boundaries or anything else (excuses, excuses...), they should hold off having children until they can get their own lives straight and can then actually fulfill a commitment to raising children, or not have them at all.  Having children is not a "right."  Some women just should not have babies.  Does that make me judgemental?  Yup! 

Talk is cheap.  Having children is not like charging something at Nordstrom and then when you hate it, it is inconvenient, or you can't afford to pay for it- you return it for a full refund.  You have to be prepared before you bring children into the world.  People have to make judgements every day, about what is safe, acceptible, honorable, honest, reasonable, practical, and so on.  While you may think it is easy for us to sit here and "make judgements", well, I have worked hard to get my life together BEFORE I brought children into the picture, so I think I am in a pretty good position to make those judgements.  I have no pity for women who drag children around through the slop and muck of their own pathetic lives because they thoughtlessly make stupid decisions with children in tow.  The children, yes, I have pity for, as it is not their fault they are being abused and disregarded with such hubris.  How can a mother in prison give her children the care and love they deserve???   They CAN'T.  In a visiting room twice a month?  Via phone?  Get real. 

Not all children are going to "grow to love them (mothers in prison, or pen pals, in the vernacular) through understanding and forgiveness."  Some of those children are going to be smarter than that and get the hell away from those vampires who would suck the very life out of them, who would continue to make them feel sorry for them and make them feel obligated to them, who would use them without a second thought and no remorse.  A few of the children will break away and create their own lives and be happy and healthy.  They need to be supported in that, not made to feel like they owe their incarcerated mothers anything, not even a visit, letter or phone call if they do not want contact.  What these mothers have done is visceral and unrevokable- they have one way or another put their own desires before the basic needs of the children.  We can't just pretend that all is better just because the inmates have done their time, say what we all want to hear,  and everyone will live happily ever after.  Bu77$h1T. 

"This is pretty evident as I read post filled with negative judgements and from those who lack the empathy to even want to understand these women who end up in prison... "

I think that "understanding these women who end up in prison" is a luxury and is dodging the real issue, anyway.  If you, as her mother, want to contemplate her bellybutton with her, go ahead, but me, no way.  The immedate need is for the children that the imprisoned mothers left behind.  If these women cannot uphold the obligations of being a responsible parent, whether due to lack of boundaries or anything else (excuses, excuses...), they should hold off having children until they can get their own lives straight and can then actually fulfill a commitment to raising children, or not have them at all.  Having children is not a "right."  Some women just should not have babies.  Does that make me judgemental?  Yup! 

Talk is cheap.  Having children is not like charging something at Nordstrom and then when you hate it, it is inconvenient, or you can't afford to pay for it- you return it for a full refund.  You have to be prepared before you bring children into the world.  People have to make judgements every day, about what is safe, acceptible, honorable, honest, reasonable, practical, and so on.  While you may think it is easy for us to sit here and "make judgements", well, I have worked hard to get my life together BEFORE I brought children into the picture, so I think I am in a pretty good position to make those judgements.  I have no pity for women who drag children around through the slop and muck of their own pathetic lives because they thoughtlessly make stupid decisions with children in tow.  The children, yes, I have pity for, as it is not their fault they are being abused and disregarded with such hubris.  How can a mother in prison give her children the care and love they deserve???   They CAN'T.  In a visiting room twice a month?  Via phone?  Get real. 

Not all children are going to "grow to love them (mothers in prison, or pen pals, in the vernacular) through understanding and forgiveness."  Some of those children are going to be smarter than that and get the hell away from those vampires who would suck the very life out of them, who would continue to make them feel sorry for them and make them feel obligated to them, who would use them without a second thought and no remorse.  A few of the children will break away and create their own lives and be happy and healthy.  They need to be supported in that, not made to feel like they owe their incarcerated mothers anything, not even a visit, letter or phone call if they do not want contact.  What these mothers have done is visceral and unrevokable- they have one way or another put their own desires before the basic needs of the children.  We can't just pretend that all is better just because the inmates have done their time, say what we all want to hear,  and everyone will live happily ever after.  Bu77$h1T. 

You make a good presentation, but you keep mentioning dodging the real issue.  Talk is cheap.  What, in your opinion, is the issue, and how can it be addressed.  You are right talk is cheap, what solution in the form of action, do you propose?

I think there are a few of us who grew up with absent moms (yours) or crazy moms (mine).  I remember being 7 years old and having a clear idea one day that grown-ups made the rules, and when I was a grown up, there was NO WAY I was going to live like I had to as a child. That single moment of clarity was an act of God, for sure.  It carried me into adulthood, and I have been faithful to that promise.  I do everything in my power to provide a normal home for my child, and in order to protect that child I had to cut off my crazy mother.  I knew she was dangerous even as a child, unpredictable, bitter, impulsive, manic, and had weapons stashed all over her house and car.  After I had a child of my own it became so clear to me that I needed to protect him from her.  She did not protect me, but I could protect my child.  It is sad, but it is reality, and it is basic.  I do the best I can and take my peace from knowing that.  Put your energy into your child.  Be everything to her you wanted from a mother but did not get.  Look ahead and keep moving forward.  Don't get stuck in the past-- you can't change it-- all you have is today and tomorrow, so make the most of them.  Like you, I only really had an example of what NOT to do, but I have used that as a foundation and figured out what TO do over the years.  You are so young, but you will figure it out a little at a time.  Have faith.