Topic : Living with Chronic Pain

Hi !! I could use some advice. I will try to make this short. I am 50, recently divorced and started a new career. Am I crazy? I think so. I started having chronic pain in 2003, after an auto accident. Originally it was bulging disc in my neck. My job at that time required a lot of time at the computer, and my hands and arms were hurting, numb. My neck very rarely hurt. I began seeing a chiropractor and a pain specialist. I changed jobs with that company during the next  year, went into advertising sales. Hoping to help the pain. Well, it didn't work. Lugging around a breifcase and other material made things worse. I have tried so many meds, starting with Lortab and Ultram. I had an spinal epidural...didn't help. Then I had patches. I loved the convienence, not having to take a pill. But the side effects were bad. After that I tried Percocet. It worked for a while. Now I am back on Lortab and Voltaren. In 2005, I was told, I now have Fibromyalgia. Life happened and I got divorced. Fortunately, I went to night school and got my real estate license. I say "fortunately" because, I couldn't keep up the ridged hours at my job. And I needed more income. (Of course, the second part has not happened yet). The pain is sooo unbearable sometimes, even with meds. I worry about the addiction problem. But, when I am hurting, I really don't care.  

My biggest problem is that I worry about letting everyone down. They don't understand pain. I don't understand the pain!!! I have always been a hard worker...the strong one. Now I feel like a whimp...at 50 and alone. Relying on my parents to help me with everything. For those of you with husbands, who work, help around the house and understand...you are truly blessed. I have always been the happy one, encouaging everyone. Now I don't even want to go to family events, I am ashamed. Believe it or not, I do have listings on the market and I have sold some homes. I can put on a front for a while. However, when I do my family thinks I am o.k. and they push me.  

I think you, whoever you may be, get the general idea. I am worn out, from pretending, pushing myself and working so hard in life to be here, in this place. Don't get me wrong, I am so much better off than some people, I can't feel sorry for myself. But maybe somewhere, somebody understands. 

Leigh  

I'm the one on this board who has been whining about my psoriasis.   

But when I was sixteen, I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosis.  This caused a severe arthritic condition and complications such as anemia, thyroid disorder, and bronchitis.  Long story short, I could barely move.  My joints were so inflamed that I could not bend my knees or fingers.  I slept 16 hours a day.  Had no appetite, so I wasn't eating.  I weighed about 90 pounds.  Luckily, the disease eventually went into remission.   

Bottom line, what helped me work out a lot of the residual joint pain from the calcium build-up was yoga.  My  yoga teacher was a young guy named Bikram Choudrey (he's pretty famous today and has yoga centers all over the world).  Anyway, back  then, in the early 70's,  he was teaching yoga in Honolulu for my cousin's chiropractor.  He really helped me work out the stiff-ness, and allowed me to gain a great deal of flexibility.  He seemed to know how much he could push me, and how not to push me.  If you could find a Bikram yoga center near you, I think it could help you a lot.   

Anyway, for all of you reading these posts.  There IS hope.  I have been alternately a medical and physical wreck and, at times, in very good condition.  After all the problems, I managed to hike Yosemite's Half Dome twice.  I scaled Mt. Whitney and back in under 8 hours.  I've climbed Mt. Baldy and Mt. San Gorgonio three times, Mt. San Jacinto three times, Grand Canyon bottom and back in about 6 hours, the summits of Modjeska and Santiago peaks numerous times, and thousands and thousands of miles from other loop hikes. I've scuba dived, and done ropes courses.  5K runs.  And rock climbing.  I'm absolutely no jock, so if I can do these things anyone can.  (I'm just no good at skiiing.)   I'm not unsympathetic to pain because right now I'm sitting here as my skin is peeling off in sheets.   But when I get busy with physical activity is when the pain lightens up.   

I guess what I'm saying here is put one foot in front of the other.  Walk, hike, run (if you can).  And take yoga classes if you can.  It's so easy to just FEEL BAD and not want to move around too much.  But constant physical motion does help and it can take your mind off the pain.  It's the endorphins.  Take care y'all.     

You're right about others not understanding the pain.  You are the one living with it.  Other people just don't understand -- even those closest to you sometimes. 

 I have always been the non-complainer, being strong for others, being strong at work.  It took me awhile to just let it go and let someone help me for a change.  And please, please, please don't be ashamed.  And, oh by the way, it IS OKAY to feel sorry for yourself.  We all need to do that sometimes and there is nothing wrong with it when you're hurting. 

Hi curlyone, 

Nice to hear from you.. I will keep you in prayer... 

take care and god bless 

also your friend in pain 

Anne  

I have heard of this type of surgery from a local physician but from what I understood, the battery pack would be placed in my chest, similar to a pacemaker. I AM, in fact, nearing the end of medical choices, but I've also been told that another surgery could make my pain more severe with having to cut through the muscles again and all the scar tissue that goes hand in hand with any procedure. Perhaps, being this a "new life" for me, I'm simply not ready to undergo any surgery at this point in my life. I use to work with a Medtronic account and I'm familiar with their devices and would trust them 100%.  

I pray everyday for a miracle and control my pain with my meds (as stated previously). My crabbiness and our relationship has changed quite a bit. The whole dynamic of it is completely different than what it use to be prior the accident. But we work hard everyday. As far as sleeping goes, I've been on numerous sleeping aides as well. I do not sleep. I'm up and down every 1/2 hour. My husband and I rarely sleep together anylonger because of it. I keep him awake the entire night.  

Thank you so much for the reply. I'll be checking into the spinal cord stimulator. I greatly appreciate it. 

Take care. 

I appreciate you answering me. It is so nice to know that someone even took the time to read about me and my issues. Letting go would be nice and I will be glad when I learn how to. I know that logically beating myself up, doesn't do any good. But it is so hard, when you are programmed. At the office, everyone seems so healthy, happy and up beat. It is the nature of the business, sales people have to be positive. I don't go to the office much, I work from home most of the time. It is just better, especially when I am hurting. But, when I do go in, I am asked where have I been, how am I. You know all the usual questions. Then...I lie. It is better than saying "I didn't feel good for a week." I have fun at work, laugh, joke and work real hard to make people smile. (I don't know why, it just seems like my job). So they want me to be there more often. I guess, in a way that is good, I am missed.  

But the reality, is the pain. I told my broker once, behind closed doors, about my illness. The weird thing is I made it seems so trivial!! And she really didn't want to hear it. She is really a very caring person, but I don't think managers and brokers want to have whinners or sick people working with them.  

It is really a circle of craziness...I have to work, but work hurts. There has to be a solution. But, right now, I have to go help some people pick out appliances for their new home. (This really does make me happy). But, God sometimes, taking a shower hurts!! 

Thank you again! 

Leigh 

Most people think of pain as temporary. The pain of childbirth for example or from an injury. In most cases it's there and then pretty soon it's gone. People get through that even when that pain is awful.  It's not easy putting yourself in someone else's shoes. As seen in these messages, one can look healthy enough while living in pain such as others can't imagine. Usually it's in the eyes if you look closely.  

I have a chronic pain story as well but it won't add anything new to the discussion. Dialysis doesn't hurt; I've been on it for nineteen years. The 'collateral damage', as they say, is another matter. Had I known then what I know now, I'm not sure I'd have stayed on life support for this long. Like the lesson learned in "It's a Wonderful Life" though, my purpose for being here may not be evident to me but like a pebble dropped in a lake, the ripples from my life have had some effect on people who have stumbled into my realm as well as on my grown children and friends.  

The thankful side of my paper is a lot fuller than the "look at all that I can't do anymore" side.  I've watched our men and women come home minus legs, arms, sight and some burned so bad their own family wouldn't recognize them.  That's when I slap myself silly for the pity party I just had in a weak moment.  

Have you ever seen one of those shows where a man is saying he is trapped in a woman's body or it's a woman trapped in a man's body?  Well chronic pain is being 'trapped in your  body'.  The pain is there all the time, and it never goes away.   

I've got a long history and surgeries and treatments and stories, but anyone reading this chronic pain stuff understands I think.  Once you start cutting on the spine, this can happen, and you can get trapped.  And doctors can be both helpful and extremely insensitive.  Other people think you just want to take meds for fun.  Yeah.  Any of us would throw them away forever if we could.   

I know tons of people have worse problems.  Chronic pain is for whatever reason my 'cross to bear'.  How I do it is my challenge.  I'm working on it for now. 

Hi, Leigh! I see you're from Georgia. If you are anywhere near Atlanta, look up Dr. Alan Freeman at Emory University. He's my sister's neuro; she's in a pain management program due to 10+ years with degenerative disk disease, 2 cervical disk fusions in the past, lumbar disks giving her problems now with numbness, inability to move at times, etc. She is acutely sensitive/allergic to many pain and most depression meds and cannot tolerate a lot of other options. She gets 14 botox injections in her neck and shoulders every 12 weeks, does hydrotherapy (which helps) and is on sustained release MS Contin for the pain. She got full SSI disability about a year and a half ago (took forever to get to the hearing but when the judge looked over her Xrays it was a no-brainer.)  

You're right, people do not understand. Her (now ex-) husband wanted to use her meds as proof of being "addicted"; she's no more addicted than a diabetic who needs insulin shots, and fortunately it never became an issue in the custody hearing. Even a number of doctors are conflicted about pain medicine, so you need to see someone who specializes in it. Pills are not always the answer but the point is a PM program will be able to offer a variety of things to try.   

Bravo to you for trying something new with your real estate license. My sister used to practice law (all those heavy law books did her in.) Now she's tutoring, looking into jewelry making and other things while she decides what to do with her life now that she's divorced. On the plus side her boys are teenagers and able to help; on the minus side her boys are teenagers and often not around, lol. She soldiers on. She makes plans and takes it one day (or hour) at a time. Her depression is lifting since the stress of the impending divorce is now behind her.  

Stop pretending. Like folks with MS you have to adjust to your new circumstances. Sit your family down, show them articles about living with chronic pain, and explain that you have bad days and better days and have to "go with the flow" - some days are better than others, some days you need to rest more.  Stress drains your coping energy, so start to arrange your life to make it as easy as possible for yourself. Take care - you are not alone. 

Auburn Annie (pbandj)