Topic : Living with Chronic Pain

dear becky,

i hope your rock has turned out well, or is on its way to a happy completion.  snowy (snowball? snowmuffin? snowshoe?) sounds like a beautiful creature and a wonderful present.

i celebrate and support your "mundane" day! 

i am kind of upset at the moment -- hank wants to talk about how all the responsibilities are falling on him... and i feel like i am just now coming out of anesthesia!  not good timing.  we're all entitled to our feelings -- but i also think we can -- what is the word i want?  we can *shepherd* the expression of those feelings by presenting them at a good time, in a good way.  last night, i was blubbering because i thought he wanted me in a nursing home.  do you know how scary that is when you are barely hanging on anyway? 

he does do a lot and i hope i always let him know how much i appreciate it -- maybe i have failed.  more to the point, maybe, is his growing fear that i will continue to lose the ability to... _fill-in-the-blank_ ... and that he will not be able to care for me.  we need help.

i worry that he is trapped in this relationship.

and i worry that i may go insane before any of this gets addressed!  and i worry yhat he's right, that there is no where to go but down!  and i worry that i will lose the best man i[ve ever known!

but there are resentments that keep this conversation from even beginning!  like his parting shots:  "just remember that i have been tryiong to have this conversation for a long time..." ummm. no.  i was told flat out to no longer talk about anything medical -- anything about pain, disability.  he thought that "pain was [my] hobby." i cannot manage to shake some of those moments and remarks.

now i need to try to "roll" a mile in his wheelchair!  how overwhelming it must get to try and plan for an upsetting future -- nevermind how hard it is to organize one's self to do chores when you have adhd.  the tasks seem monumental when there's no plan to do them. 

my pain is out of control -- i can't get "ahead" of it.  sleep comes in two hour stretches, though, and that's a great improvement.  i have blown up today -- my right arm is very big, and let's just call my feet '' boats'!

i know that any one who has gone through orthopedic injuries --  and in *this* group, that seems like everyone! -- has gone through the shock of the sounds coming from one's own body, never mind how out-of-this-universe the scars and hardware and swellings all are...

washing up is really hard and painful, as is all "toileting"!  i have been having itching attacks that cannot be scratched... this morning, i actually "accidentally" changed the HUGE dressing on that shoulder -- it is a great looking incision --  and now not nearly so itchy.  i love witch hazel!  i'm not to shower or do anything beyond a sink wash-up... for 2 weeks.  my hair!  i have put in a request for a shampoo -- we will see!  soon there will be an ecosystem in play up there!

i'm sorry, becky, for venting at you.  the fever is with me but nowhere near as bad.  that means that i am weepy and emotionally all over the place.

but then, i hide it well. right?  i think i've got quite the poker face... yes, indeedy, dianah and i are gonna hit the casinos and i'm gonna win with a pair of deuces.  but i'll end up with wild bill's aces over eights (suitable if we go to deadwood!).

oh lord, would y'all please think good thoughts for me -- for just a little while longer?!  there is still infection in there (how do i know?  i *feel* it... but that's why we're infusing 4 bags of antibiotic a day for 6 weeks, right?  please help me remember!) and i doubt i'll get a new shoulder.  my brain has lost even more grey cells... i have this aneurism thing to deal with now...

but above all?  i want to have FUN!  i want to LOVE!

and if i don't get horizontal, i am gonna fly off like a helium balloon.

prof

prof...you go ahead and vent al you want!!  we're listening...and not rolling our eyes...i'm thinking lots of good thoughts for you...

i thought i'd try the one-handed typing thing...ringo is on my shoulder, and he is just too cute and content to shoo him away...

living with 2 adhd kids, i can sympathize with the frustration of half-completed or never started tasks, and forgotten details...i've learned to deal with my own focus problems...i write lists...i even make a list of the lists i need to make...withyout the lists, i'd be standing there wondering what to do next...why i went to that room...or trying to do 6 projects at once...complete sensory over-load...the best thing we can do for our adhd kids, when they have homework and chores to do is to turn off tv...and make them make lists...they will probably suffer permanant psychological damage from all of the lists they have been made to write...not to mention carpel tunnel syndrome...lol

speaking of resentment...i understand completely...it is so hard to let go of hurtful comments and actions...i heard on the radio that women's brains are like the deluxe computer, with maximum RAM...complete memory of every little detail of every event that ever happened and every conversation ever had, and every feeling ever felt...while men's brains are the equivalent of the very basic computer...with basic functions, like remembering to wake up and remembering to eat...no memory of anything else that is important to women...

Well...Ringo has left my shoulder now, so I can type two handed and use caps again...

Will your medical insurance allow you to have any home help?  I'm sure that Hank would welcome any help that he can get...but it would be unreasonable for him to ask you to return to your normal level of household duties...you need time to heal...

Wow...4 bags of antibiotic per day...that's a lot...it's a good thing you don't have to take it in pill form...imagine how bad your bowels would be...

And I hope you can get a shampoo...I don't suppose it would be practical to have Hank take you out to a hair salon to wash your hair?  I would imagine that it is a major undertaking to get your hair washed without disturbing your shoulder...I remember that from when I had my mastectomy...and hysterectomy...etc...no showering...That's the second worst part about surgery...the worst being the pain and physical limitations that come with it...

To show your appreciation to Hank...ask him for some crayons and paper...and make him a card every day...a nice picture of sunshine and flowers...or whatever the mood strikes you to draw (but leave out the daggers)...it seems to perk up John's grouchy moods when I put a note in his lunch box in the morning...but once I put a note in the bag with his sandwich...he didn't see it, and he actually took a bite out of it when he was eating his sandwich!!  (oops!!)

I think we all have good poker faces...probably too good...it really throws our loved ones for a loop when we fall apart "out of the blue", with no prior signs of upset...I manage to hold it in pretty well...but lately, I can't hold back the tears when I'm upset...I guess it has just built up too much...but for you...I think it's WAY over the top...you certainly have plenty of reason to be weepy...I hope you can get that fever under control soon...

When John and I first announced our engagement, I made a comment to one of my brothers that I wanted the lovey-dovey feelings between John and me to last forever...he said that it would change...the first time we got pissed off at each other, it would start to build...and he was right...but we have managed to survive...but I did like the part that my brother said about becoming comfortable enough with each other to fart in front of one another...although, sometimes, I wish John would take it to another room!! (I mean pewwww!!)  And our marriage vows did say in sickness and in health...with us, there seems to be a lot of the "sickness" part going on...but not to the extent that you have...we are still both able-bodied...and mostly, we still have our minds...and I have my lists...

I hope you can get out to that casino and win it big...with your pair of deuces...psych the other guy out!!  And...don't put up too much of a poker face...Hank does need to be reminded that you are not laid up by choice, and that you ARE in a lot of pain...he is tired, but he still needs to show some sympathy and compassion for you...he is a wonderful man for taking care of you...just let him know every day how much you appreciate him...

Anyway...I'm rambling...I have to get dinner in the oven...John is working very late tonight...he had to go to Hood River, and he couldn't get into the dentist's office until after they closed at 4:30 because the work he is doing requires the office to be shut down...and they weren't willing to take a day off...so he'll be very late getting home...he forgot his work cell phone this morning, so I had to meet him in town to get it to him...while I was there, I had to go to the grocery store, so I bought him some food for his dinner...because I know that he wouldn't have stopped for it otherwise...being diabetic, it's not a good idea for him to skip meals...so I got him some imitation crab, criossants, cheese, diet sparkling water, and a Rock Star for the way home...and a styrofoam ice chest with ice to keep it in...I forgot to bring an ice chest from home...and those little styrofoam ice chests are about $2.00...I hope he can keep his spirits up today...he wasn't in an awfully good mood when I met up with him...very stressed...too much work to do...too little time...like when he goes to an office for one or two repairs, and they hand him a long list of repairs needed, that weren't on the schedule...just the way his days go...

Anyway...I hope that you can get rid of that fever, and feel a little better each day...and don't do too much...follow the doc's orders...I can only imagine how difficult it is for you right now...and how painful...good thoughts...good thoughts...good thoughts...prayers...more good thoughts....

Becky

HI Everyone

Heat-wave here.. it's 51 and cloudy and some wind is going on..  I went to bed at 11:30 and slept until 10:00... of course, the back is a hurting unit..

Sitting here and looking out my living room windows (3 bay windows) the Sunflowers are so pretty and behind them, Hollyhocks waving in the wind.. these ones are a deep pink color..

This year our hollyhocks are awesome.. so many colors and a ton of bee's. Which the honey bee's never sting us..

Just got up to get 2nd cup of coffee and the back pasture is now very low on grass with the 4 horses chowing down.. Sounds like 3 of them will be going back home this weekend.. And the older Mare is staying with me for a few weeks..

I'm going to get my honey-do's done and then head down to the neighbors and pick up a halter and lead rope and some brushes.. her mane and tali are in such need of a good "hair do"....

This "new" life has seem to over-come me, with the thought of spending time with a horse and just having that to look forward too...

It has even put me back on track of loosing this weight.. too heavy right now to ride.. ha ha ha.. but the thought has me wanting to get back "in the saddle and start eating healthy"....

OKAY.....

Becky.. I know it's the weekend.. but Please be sure to post a picture of your new creation when you are done.. Your talent is breath-taking.... So can't wait to see it...

Morgan.. As I told you last night, I about fell out of my chair when I saw your pictures.. Just sending you HUGE HUGS AND ALL MY LOVE ME DEAR FRIEND...........

PROF.... Again, I so hope "sleep" in the main thing going on with you.. Right now, your body needs all the REST it can get...

I think, poor Hank was really scared before-during-after- your surgery.. I mean, this is a ton of WORRY and also the word.. "SCARED" carries so much weight with it............

And as we have talked about before... as hard on all of this is on us.. We know it's harder on the other..

Not this week or next week.. but soon, I really think "we" need to find an out-let for Hank.. he needs a hobbies or club or activity out-side of the house.. Something he can look forward to and something he can "get out" and "about" for a while....

Something that he use to love to do or would love to try...

I really think this is the "key" to letting Hank have some "Hank time"

Also, not this week or next... "time to heal" is the word here.. but we need to see about finding someone to come in while Hank is having "hank time"..... A friend or someone l retired from the health care.. My Aunt the other day was saying she should find someone who needs a little help and this would help her get out and about also.. (she's a retired LPN)...

HA,, or someone like "me"..... heee ha ha ha... Now that "thought" should scare you right out of your chair... ha ha ha ha........

We need to come up with POSITIVE IDEA"S HERE.....

And, as HARD AS IT IS ON YOU.. Prof.. you need to let Hank "express" his fears....... This is a hard one to deal with.... but, he needs to express them..

RIGHT NOW is not the best time for you, but I really think all of the worry and being scared has caused some huge fears with him....

And the fact that YOU take care of everything, yes, you do the money-list-setting everything up-reminding him... He has to be really scared of the what if's you can't do this and it falls in his lap................

Also, I'm sure the huge issue of the 'what if's' is also what if he had to go back in the work force.. this has to be a huge "fear" for him....

I am in the exact same shoes...

If I had to try to make a living with all of my health issues and my comfort zone being washed away.. that scared me............

And just sitting here thinking, maybe Hank would like to find a part-time job.. just the getting out, doing something different would be the "key" also...

And so what, it the money being made, paid for some extra help .. the getting out and doing something might be well worth the equal trade....

Just "thoughts" running here in my brain here this morning..

Prof,, just no you are not alone here.. We all are pulling for you and we are hear to listen and hold your hand.. I'm not letting go......

So.. with all my chat.. I'm sure you had to have dozed off with all my chatter.... SO.. sending you a SMILE-SOFT TICKLE AND HUG for today.......

OKAY......

This cowgirl needs to get moving here and get some things going and done.....

I hope Debbie-Sims-Becca-Pickles- and anyone else... Checks in the weekend.................................

All my Love and Hope........... Dianah

Good Morning Everyone..

Burr is the word, still-again- WHAAAAAA... it's 37 degree's as we have coffee this morning..

Today is my first day back to work officially.. my first full week... I can feel a little "anxiety" going on this a.m..

I guess the "pressure" is back on and this old girl is feeling it this morning. Plus the "added job" that I have to work in this week and weekend..

Sitting here telling myself.. Nothing to it.......

Yesterday was a day in the kitchen. I made four pans of chicken and  beef enchiladas- blanched and froze some fresh corn on the cob.. and snapped two sacks of fresh green beans... plus did a quick clean of the house...

I'm going to check the corn out this week, and if we like how it taste, then I will buy more on Thur and also green beans and do the freezing thing some more...

Oh boy.. talk about ice fingers this morning.. Oh, now I remember the word.."winter"... ha ha ha...............

Talked to my friend in Texas yesterday and it was 89 there and she was so happy that it was a cooler day.. We just laugh about the difference.. she would love some of this cool weather and I would love some of her warm weather....

Well, it rained all weekend long. So no fun with the horses.. but weather man is calling for 70's Tue -Friday... So finger's crossed it will warm up.....

Okay.. it's time to get ready to start running for the day....

I hope the weekend was "calm and as pain free" as it c could be for all of you...

Sending a HUG and ALL MY LOVE... Dianah

Here is my latest rock...I will be giving it to my brother and his wife at the end of the month...

My photo came out huge!! I went into my photo program on our computer and changed it to email size before uploading it, and I tried re-sizing it in the photo manager in my profile...to no avail...so I just posted a huge picture.

I've spent most of the day putzing around...I tinkered in the yard for awhile, and then I spent a long time trying to get a good picture of my rock, without a lot of reflections on it...and then more time in the photo editing program...as you can see, I changed my icon to my new rock...

Our son still hasn't shared his "news" with John...I'm beginning to wonder if he has thought it over and changed his mind...John is going to be in Portland for his job tonight, so he will get to see our son in person and have a talk with him...he is going to ask him directly...and I really HOPE that our son has had second thoughts and decided that he is indeed straight...John will call me tonight and let me know what went on with the conversation...

I still have a bunch to do today...I just haven't been able to get started...but it all has deadlines, so I had better get busy...

I still haven't heard from the oncologist's office...my primary doc sent the labs showing the high alkaline phosphatase level back in June...and I called last Wednesday to jog their memories...and they STILL haven't returned my call...that is on my to do list today...to call their office again...I toldl the receptionist that I would appreciate a call to let me know whether the oncologist feels I need to be seen or not...I want to know either way...I think it is inexcusable that they never followed-up!!

I'm just in a little bit of a pissy mood today...maybe it's all the stress...I've got the things beyond my control, plus all of the things that I have volunteered for...I need to do up an order for the Boy Scout popcorn, and I need to do up lists of local businesses for the band kids to visit to (hopefully) get donations for their silent auction...there are 45 kids in the band, and each needs a list of 10 businesses...that is going to take awhile...

So...anyway...I guess I'd better get busy...

Dianah...congrats on going back to work...do post and let us know how it went...I hope that your knee survived it...

Prof...you've been quiet this last few days...I hope that everything is OK...are you feeling any better at all??  I know you have a long road of healing ahead of you...when do you see your doc again??

Everybody who hasn't checked in for a few days...please stop by and give us a word or two...we want to know what you've been up to that is keeping you away from the board!!

Here's hoping for a good day...

Becky

dear all,

to check in:  i feel rotten, we're like two snapping turtles, sleep is elusive, infusing 4 bags of iv antibiotics a day... i have yet to "rest and think healing thoughts..." but i understand that there is always tomorrow!

the major worry that is driving hank's upset is sad to me and i am doing everything in my power to address it -- but the timing is not helpful  "who will take care of me if i get sick?"  a valid, scary question.  i wish i could wipe away every worry.

i miss youse guys and will be hogging the board in due time...

all my love,

prof

Dear Prof.

Sorry that things are so rough for you right now. You are in my daily prayers. As far as Hanks question of "who will take care of me if I get sick?" although I understand his fears on one level you more than likely didn't near to hear that question about himself when you are feeling so under the weather. I feel the odds of both of you being totally dependent at the same time will more than likely not happen so if the need arises and he is ill at some point in the future I am sure that you will be able to help him as he has helped you. Sounds like his fears are overwhelming him ,but right now you are the one that needs caring for and the better he does his job helping you the better his chances are that if he gets sick you will be able to assist him...God will provide one way or another. Take care and try to think good thoughts. This to shall pass. You are in my prayers.

Good Morning Everyone..

I am feeling so much better today.. no anxiety.. YEAH...

Matter of fact, headed out the door yesterday and had missing horses.. So, after "kinda" fixing the fence, tricking the horses with a bucket of rocks (they thought it was oats)... and got them back in the pasture, so after all of that.. I felt Great and put in 6 hours and came home and just messed around and did not "sit" down until after 8.....

I'm sore, but all over.. the knee is "stiff" but so is every other part on my old body... ha ha ha.................

Becky... WOW.. again, my hat if off to you.. your newest creation is AWESOME... and I really like the bigger picture., you can see it much better... "applaud-applaud".....

I have my fingers crossed that the "guys talk" went really well for both of them... Hope you got a ton of your "things" done yesterday.. Sounds like your plate is full, as always...

My "mind" is much better today and feels great to be back to a routine and up and going.... I was worried for a while yesterday.. the anxiety was "high" there for a while.. but, today.. ready to do it to it... now if I can just tell my body that... ha ha ha.. Have a great Tue... HUG HUG HUG......

PROF... So glad to see you this morning.. You need to keep telling yourself, "time" is the word here with you feeling better... I know I know.. easier said than done.... but, it's going to take awhile to start to kick in and also.. time to heal from the inside-out.......

Just know, we are all "pulling" for you...

HUG HUG HUG....

Okay.. this girl has got to get off the tail and get moving here...

Happy Tue....

All my Love and Hope.......         Dianah