Quote From: profderienmffowler!
very good, and well said. in the same vein, i am not addressing anyone specifically. some of this is a personal "talking to."
i'm not a therapist either, nor a medical expert in anything except my own "stuff". i can engage in the "my pain is worse than your pain" game but do my best not to. it hit home one day when my guy was in severe back pain -- so very evident. we were both doing a great moan-and-grown performance... i asked him how i could help. the answer i'll never forget: "no, no, your pain is so much worse than my pain." i would like to have simultaneously shaken him from head to toe -- and kissed him.
i believe that everyone somatisizes[sp?. everyone. the conversation between body and mind can be amazing. it can also feed off of itself -- usually fed by fear and by low self-esteem. if we refuse the conversation, if we decide that a messy psyche is an intolerable label, we are left alone to explain what's happening in our bodies. it is not lies that we come up with -- but we do put ourselves under microscopes of our own making. and that ain't always healthy -- kind of like how taking your inventory once, twice, three times a day... well, that doesn't leave time for much else. and it is so freaking boring!
the paragraph above is as clear as mud and i stand by it, muddy.
those who must live with problems bearing the "syndrome" and "disorder" temporary labels - all of us are tired of it. it is depressing, it is sad, it doesn't validate our symptoms.
i posted recently about how having my pain validated felt like a tremendous relief of tension that i was absolutely unaware of. i have been free enough to shed a few tears. that tension might have become very toxic .
what bothers me a lot, and it is certainly not original to this group, and i am certainly not innocent of it -- what bothers me is the occasional bad-mouthing of medical professionals. i used to lump them all in the [expletive category. even so, they continued to help me. i am extraordinarily blessed that my doctors hung in there. i was rude, sarcastic, demanding, and a violator of the rules -- hopefully not all at the same time. i learned not to make doctors and doctor appointments the focus of my life -- and, moreover, how not to make that the subject of every conversation. i have had friends, good friends, who are out of my life because i was lost in contemplation of my own navel.
it is great advice to grieve for what we have lost.
but by virtue of just having continued to live, haven't we also gained?
be well!
prof-de-rien
Thank you, prof-de-rien, for your sharing. I don't have the steps of grieving in front of me but I do know they include anger, denial, and depression and end with a new outlook and moving on.
I confess I have not done the "doctor-bashing" but I have done "doctor-shopping." You see, I worked with doctors for 43 years so I saw a lot of things from their perspective as well as from the patient's perspective. In many of these posts I "read between the lines" and see not really doctor-bashing but patients lashing out at their physicians for some or all of the following reasons: frustration, not getting from the doctor what we think we need, lack of communication and lack of understanding, fear, anger, denial, depression, not telling it like it really is, making demands, etc. and lack of respect. These reasons can come from the patient and/or the physician.
My 43 years were all spent working in teaching hospitals with medical students, residents, fellows, and staff physicians. Some I have worked with for a year before they moved on; some have begun as first year residents and now are in private practice in the area and I have seen how they changed/or did not change. In my opinion the first thing to do is find a physician with whom you feel comfortable as a person and not just because of all the certificates and diplomas he has on his walls. He/she may be very knowledgeable but if he/she cannot see you as a person and talk with you at your level of knowledge and, perhaps, try to educate you about your illness and how you can best help yourself, find another doctor.
But also realize that your doctor is a person who has problems and frustrations just as you do. (Does he have to listen to 30+ people like us each and every day then go home and face a crabby wife and uncontrolled children?) He can't remember everything about you from one visit to the next and he can't read your mind. So tell his exactly how you feel but don't exaggerate! That doesn't tell him anything. Such as "I hurt ALL the time." Doctor: "Is there anything you can do to relieve the pain?" Patient: "I don't hurt when I take a long hot shower--about 20 minutes!" Aha! So you don't hurt ALL the time. I know this is a radiculous example but it will give you an idea of what I mean when I say don't exaggerate. Learn all you can about fibro, or whatever your chronic illness is, ask your doctor to explain it in terms you can understand. If you are frustrated because you aren't seeing any improvement, you are fearful of the future, etc., talk with your doctor about it and ask him for a referral to a counsellor. Short of money? Mention that too. There are resources available. He can't know all the answers but he knows to whom to refer you.
I like what you, prof-de-rien, have identified as have I. There are those of us who post who truly want some help--sometimes we want some validation, sometimes just to be have an outlet where others will say "I hear you," and sometimes we want some information from others with a similar affliction. Some post who just need to tell their story and feel better for having done so. Then some appear to be so "wrapped" up in themselves, they appear to be angry, severely depressed, and in denial about their chronic pain. It is for these people that I am most concerned. There is a better quality of life but they need to get past their bitterness and learn to accept themselves for who they are now--not before their chronic illness.
Yes, let us learn from our past but let's not relive it.
Positive thinking! (I asked my 96 year old father one day how he was. His response was "I was able to get out of bed this morning and take on nourishment, so I guess I'm doing fine!")
