Topic : Staying Sick or Exaggerating for the Payoff?

Hello, great question.  I think I got into that pattern of getting attention through being sick as a kid.  Even to the extent of a lisp.  My Mom took me to the MD & he said her could cut the membrane under my tounge so it wouldn't keep getting stuck between my teeth.  LOL!!!  I said no thanks. And my tounge still gets caught in my teeth, but I can deal with it.  It was kind of a double edged sword.  I was raised in the military.  That meant that most of the time we were expected to "Suck it up".  My Dad did not allow criers.  We had to be good soldiers.

 

Interestingly enough I had a co-worker who told me I hurt myself to get attention.  I took a look at it and realised, no, I'm just clumsy. Put I did start being careful who I expressed my feelings with.

 

As a kid I eventually found a way to get attention.  Not from my family, but from others, I played guitar, violin, piano, and love it.  I've been performing ever since.  (while still working a day job)  And had a blast untill recently.

 

 I recently became very ill.  I don't think a lot of people took me serious because I kept my mouth shut about the way I was feeling.  I just keep believing  the shaming feedback from others who said I was just being lazy and kept working.   It kind of ended up biting me in the buns.  Over the last 5 years I've felt  really cruddy.  Couldnt understand why I was in so much pain,  couldnt walk 20ft  with out feeling like I was going to drop, but just kept on like a good soldier.

 

After an open lung biopsy last year I found out I had chronic pneumonia and was in resperitory failure.   Now I trust my intuition.  When I don't feel good I get it checked out.  Cut my self loose from the negativity, was immediately put on SSDI (asbestosis) and for the first time in my life have been able to make my health a priority.... not trying to live up to everyone elses expectations.       

 

I'm on oxygen now, so the singing is out.  But, I found a way to feel good about myself with my webpage building and artwork.  Like I said great question.  One I processed a while back and decided I like music better.  LOL!

 

  

 

 

Hello, I've had the dizziness...I know what you are talking about.  I've been so dizzy, weeks at a time with vomiting every time I opened my eyes.  Until there was nothing to vomit.  Doctors have told me there was nothing they could do.  One told me it was Mieres disease and gave me medicine that stayed in my body for a year, but it didn't help anything.  It caused me to start diarrhea and I've stayed close to the potty for over two years.  All test has been run for this too. 

But for the dizziness a strange thing...I started using Flonase only at night before I went to bed.

It stopped the dizziness.

Given to me for my alergy problems. I ran out of Flonase and didn't get it refilled. I really didn't want the stroids.   I just boiled water and put it in my Astelin bottle and sprayed my nose each night before bed.  I've not been dizzy again.

You my want to try it and see if it will work for you.

 

As for as the diarrhea I have no idea how to stop it.  I've been to doctors and test run and nothing has stopped it.  The only thing I have found that I can eat is peanutbutter and jelly.  And drink only water.  One doctor gave me nerve pills and antidepressant.  What a joke.  All I did was sleep.  But I took them for almost a year and didn't anything change.

I've started treating myself with natural food and medicines.  After reseaching everything.

  I went to my gyn doc back in December 06 for my annual checkup, and I mentioned to him some symptoms I had been having over past several weeks--lower abdom. pain, lower back pain, bloating in abdom. area,  frequent gas passing, and bladder leakage constant....all the classic symtoms of ovarian cancer. 

  That has been my greatest fear as a woman.....ovarian cancer. Simply because there is no good, reliable screening test for it, and most often by the time a woman has symptoms it is so far progressed that the prognosis for survival is not good.

  well, that first visit, he sort of blew it off and told me it was probably nothing to worry about. I left out, and I got that gut feeling that something was not right with my body, so  a few days later and called to make an appt to get checked.   That first visit, they did an intravaginal ultrasound, and it showed  a good size mass on my right ovary. At that, they drew blood for a CA125 test for OC. Luckily, it came back negative, but he had me come back in 6 weeks for another check. If it had been a cyst, it should have been same or smaller size, but instead it was bigger.  Another CA125, which also was negative.  and a return appt in 8 weeks. at that one, the mass was again much larger than before.  My doctor told me that while it probably was not ovarian cancer, it most likely  was a tumor that needed to come out.  He told me to come back in a week, and decide what type of surgery to have. I went back and told him that I wanted everything out that could possible give me problems later.  so, he scheuled me about 3 weeks away for surgery.  I think that is the hardest part of it all, waiting between these appts!

  I have my surgery on July 24, and when I went back for my 2 week checkup he had some grim, but actually good news.  He said that the preliminary lab tests showed that not one, but both ovaries had already began mutational change to precancer cells....because of that finding, both ovaries were sent to a special lab in PA.  It showed that they both were precancerous cells.  He said that he recommended that I go thru chemo therapy, because there is a big chance that some of the precancer cells might have been left behind, and they would continue to change until they became cancerous.   so, he made me an appt with the oncologist another 2 weeks away.  it will be 2 months from surgery to oncologist appt, and wondering what may be happening to my body in those two months?  How fast does these type cells grow and change? 

 Well, the oncology appt is Sept 12, and I will try to get back to the board and let ya all know what I fing out. 

 I would like to know where to pick up my check.  I have lost many special days with my boys because of this never ending crap.  No amount of money or attention can replace a missed football game or wrestling meet.  Who the hell thought of this topic??  Come on over and talk to my boys about the payoff in having a disabled mother.

Pity parties...And my mother-in-law has them all the time.  She is bipolar and has problems with depression and anxiety, but because of those mental problems she finds that being sick, whether it be a cold or a sinus infection or a backache or a headache... or today's flavor du jour - itching all over...being 'sick' gets attention and sympathy and she thrives on it.  Many times she calls just to go on and on and on about all her different aches or pains or medicines she has to take.  This is what Dr. Phil means by 'sick or exaggerating for payoff'.  I really believe that many times MIL is exaggerating for the payoff of getting attention, cards, calls, or someone offering to help her.  And she really seems to exaggerate more when someone else gets sick and 'steals the show'.

This is how extreme she is.  For instance, she has been 'sick' for over a month.  Interestingly enough ever since her daughter had a baby and was in the hospital a few days.  My guess is that MIL was actually jealous of her daughter because she was flooded with attention from not only family/friends, but also the dr.'s and nurses.  Honestly all she had was a cold...but she 'says' she kept a sore throat for 3 weeks and even went to the doctor for ANTIBIOTICS for a COLD!!  What?  Antibiotics won't help a cold for crying out loud, but Drs don't care and just love handing out prescriptions and they all probably know her down at the clinic that anytime she needs attention she's going to come in whining about something so she gets a prescription for something.  So then it turned into a fever that she couldn't get rid of.  Some mysterious fever - and when I told her just take Tylenol instead of going to the doctor's office where you'll catch something else she said "Oh I haven't thought of Tylenol - the doctor didn't suggest taking that, I'll ask him when I go"....what?????  So now the doctor's can't pinpoint anything that is wrong with her, but since she has a 'fever' they just keep giving her different antibiotics (which will further weaken her immune system by the way).  So for the past month or more she has missed church...she has been visiting where my husband and I are members.  And she calls her 'neighbor' who is also a member there and requests she gets announced to be on the prayer list and a special prayer for her.  So we are slightly off-guard when asked by other members "What's wrong with your mother/MIL?"....uh, she just has a cold????  People don't typically call the church, espeically when they aren't an official member there yet, and ask to be prayed for because they have a cold or sinus infection.  It's a little odd IMHO.  I feel bad being a Christian and feeling this way about my MIL...but for the 10 yrs I've known my husband we've gone through little things like this and more.  If it were just the one thing, one time, so what...but it's a constant "I'm sick, take care of me, call me, check on me, pray for me because I have a headache...etc, etc."  I just don't know when it's real or when she's 'crying wolf' just for the payoff of the sympathy and attention.  She can also have a sore back or a sore ankle or some other ailing body part and not be able to walk around without a limp, but the next day she can practically run across the room when 'oops, she forgot she had a backache' or whatever.  I know all of this has to do with her mental illness, but sometimes it's exhausting and embarrassing.

I only read a few posts, but I am surprised at what I read. Shame on you Dr Phil for even encouraging people to consider the chronic sickness has a payoff. Anyone with any sense understands that even if someone is using physical illness as a crutch there is a reason and that reason isn't a healthy one. So helllooooo, what this thread is encouraging is people to poo-poo others who are ill. And yet they are in one form or another. The person who needs to be chronically ill is mentally ill. Being angry at that person and/or accusing them of seeking a payoff is pretty twisted itself frankly.

 

As for myself, the amount of illness I have had to deal with in the last two years has made me a complete believer that we can in no way know what another person is actually feeling. One day I ache and hurt so badly I can't get out of bed, the next I feel like nothing was ever wrong. The joy of lupus, Graves disease and Sjogren's syndrome all wrapped up together. But hey I am not bleeding anywhere so people tend not to be sympathetic. I just smile at them, because I know they are either clueless or just incredibly stupid. No matter, when someone tells me they feel bad, I believe them and I will do what I can to help them. Because there for the grace of God, go I. And I have gone there. If someone is mentally ill enough to use sickness to garner caring and help from others, then certainly the need is real. It just may not be clear what the real illness is in reality.

 

For those of you that read this and doubt others sickness, be careful. If that were you (and don't think it can't be, because it can) would you want people to think so poorly of you?

 

Lashes with a wet noodle for Phil or whoever thought this thread offers any legitimacy.

I have two teenage sons, a stepdaughter, and a husband that works way to hard...especially now.  I have six years of healthcare/psychology education and have worked in the healthcare profession for almost 20 years. 

I finally had the job of my dreams....I was the Assisted Living Nurse Manager in a town, county, state where the concept in just getting to be utilized.  I was in this job before the building was built. I was there from the ground up. I ran it at full capacity for over two years.

I am a type A personality.  I have ALWAYS worked two jobs, even when I was going to college and driving 1 1/2 one way, with two children at home.  I have ALWAYS wanted the best for my family.

In the last two years the chronic pain has gotten worse and worse.  I AM NOT A COMPLAINER.  Everytime I have ended up in the hospital it was truly legitamite. When I was diagnosed with FIBROMYALGIA, it explained alot, but that does not help the misunderstanding I deal with every day. My family does not understand what or why, what they understand is mom doesn't work anymore and I can't do the things I used to. I can't play basketball, or baseball with them.  I can't sit through concerts anymore.  I can't drive them everytime they want to go somewhere.  They also understand that we can't afford a home anymore because mom doesn't provide that extra income.  Yeah, they understand it, do they understand how I feel? NO! of course not they are teenagers and they feel I must be doing this just to make their life miserable.

What payoff?  I cannot get disability, nor have I tried.  Fibromyalgia is only a disorder that is only in the last few months starting to be recognized.  I cannot afford any kind of therapy, only medications that somedays make matters worse.

I absolutely to the depths of my sould hate this condition and would not wish it on anyone.  It has ruined my life, my husbands life and my childrens life.  I am an educated individual who has potential that will probably never be utilized because of I live most my days alone wishing there was something I could do to change what has happened to me and my family.

I have Fibromyalgia....it does not have me!  Or does it?

Blessed Be,
Laurie

To the ladies who wrote, the lumps may be cysts, they could even be cancer.  You should have it checked out by someone who knows what they are doing.  If you are not happy with your doctor move on till you find one that works with you and takes you seriously.  I have found women doctors to be better and have gooten better care from them.  When you find you have a symptom, go do a search, start with a single word and add to it till you find a site that works for you to pin point your symptoms.  You may take a day to find what you seak, but it is better to find than not know at all.  This is how I start and have found the answers to many things.  Also, to the lady with all the pain and on so many meds, you may want to make sure it is not rebound pain from some of your meds that are causing your pain in and of itself and some of your health problems.  For instance,  anti-inflamatories can raise blood pressure, can cause swelling of hands and feett and that in turn can cause headaches. 

 

Rebound pain from meds can cause headaches also.  High blood pressure meds can cause dizziness and make you off balance and fall.  When starting new meds make sure to write the date on a calendar and then also note any new symptoms to tell your doctor so they can adjust or change your med or take you off altogether.  Be aware that anti depressants can cause you to feel tired a lot, feel irritated, feel suicidal, feel like fighting with others and more.  You have to be aware of side affects and not all will happen to anyone, but can and also, not all mix the same in any one persons system.  You have to keep your doctor informed.  As to lots of abdominal pain, that can be colitis and it took doctors 15 years to find this, in spite of all my tests were normal.  It took 10 years to find hypothyroid in spite of tests being normal.  It took 20 years to diagnos fibromyalgia.  None of it would have been found had I not pushed, and had I not switched and switched till I now have the best doctors for me and my health.  If you do not have money for insurance and even if you do you may wnat to try a clinic in your area, they are great and highly regulated, more so that private doctors and I feel give more and better care.  If you have a lot to discuss with your doc ask for the last appointment of the day so as to not take up time from other patients.

 

When taking meds, some may not mix so well and you may want to try taking some in the morning and some at night if it is possible.  If you have any that make you tired, take them before bedtime.  some meds can also keep you awake and intefer with sleep.  Warm mil is still good for helping to sleep.  There are other vitamins, can't think of right now for this also.  A doctor, homeopath or homeopathic website should have a list of names.  As with anything, check with your doctor, make sure you are not allergic to what you are taking, do not try an new meds or vits without someone with you so if you need help it is there,

 

Most important to remember is it is your job to keep pushing till they find what it is, but you can help immenxely if you go online and check some of the information out against what you feel and bring a list of it up to your doctor and let them rule it out.  They are not miracle workers and most are over worked and welcome your input.  I do this all the time, it is of help to my doctor and it shows I am trying to be an active part in my healthcare and not just leaving it up to her to do it all.  I appreciate my doctors and if I can help I do not mind, as in the long run it helps me.

 

I have found http://www.webmd  and   http://www.merck.com to be useful and there are others in helping to find answers to health symptoms and questions.  Not all sites answer all, you may have to use some from one and go to another or a word from one that leads to another to get your answers.  Do not be afraid to do what it takes and if you have to jump around and you find your answer all the better for you and your doctor(s).  If you think you have come up with something like you have (be aware their are many crossovers - illness that are one but look and act like another so a doctor does tests or process of elimination for answers) get the web site URL = http address and the pertinant info and if you can print it all the better.  If you find a lot then do a copy and paste into a notepad and then when done print it in brief form with enoough info for the doctor to be able to know what is is saying.  Doctors are not necessarrily in the know on all that is out there, especially if M.D., I have found many things that they were not aware of and that they found of use also for other patients.  For them I put this info on a floppy disk and give it to them to look at as they can.

 

I hope some of this is  of help to you and I hope you alll the best and wish for you that your days are better and getting better all the time.

 

Sincerely, Viv

I am new to the boards. I came into the health section because I am looking for info on different things I am going though these days. I have had something 'arthritic" going on for some time now. It started when I was 15  - I am 35 this week. Since then, I have had several major...oh what do they all it... "flares". The last one attacked my thyroid and now I am hypo. So, I know the meaning of being in pain on a daily basis and the exhaustion that comes with it.

 

This thread really caught my eye. I read as many of the posts as I could... there were too many to read all of them. I think what caught my eye was the "exaggerating for the payoff" part. I work in a hospital. The department I work for has around 30 people in it. Out of those 30 or so people, I work with about a handful of people who are always complaining about some pain or other. Their toe hurts. If they bend over and get a twinge of pain, you get a really long and played out drama of it all that could last through the whole shift. Why are they doing that? The payoff? I think so. I think that is what they are meaning by exaggerating for the payoff. So many people just need so much attention. And the more you give them, the more they need...

 

I go to several arthritis message boards. I don't go every day, but I do go if something new comes up and I want info on it,a nd to be ready with somewhat educated questions for my doctor when i do go see him. But, more often than not,  I find I can't stay too long and read the posts because they depress me. For the majority of people, they go there just to get the attention. I am not saying they aren't in pain, for that, I am sure they are! But it is always a huge drama deal. I have a hard time believing that you can be in excruciating pain every single day AND be on the high potent steroid drugs (injected no less). How depressing is that? Is there no relief for anyone? Is that my future? There is only so many "I am sorry you are going through this" or "I hope you feel better" you can say to any once single person. 

 

You can't possibly console some of these people - because they will never be ok. They thrive on the attention it gives them. I know that sounds mean, but there it is. The elephant in the room nobody wants to acknowledge. Even at my worst  nobody would know I was in that much pain. I remember when I was 17 years old and having my mother to dress me for school. Not being able to brush my own teeth. Being 21 and in university and not being able to get up from the toilet because of my knees and ankles being so swollen. Being stuck there because I was the only one in the dorm because everyone else had gone home for the long weekend. I can laugh at that now, but can honestly say I was really scared that day. Nothing worse than being totally fine one day and the next not being able to do the most easiest of tasks.  I am happy and proud to say I graduated high school and university with perfect attendance and nobody but maybe one friend new of the pain I was going through.Today, at work nobody knows when I am in pain. It is part of me, but not ME. 

 

I don't' say this to say I am better than anyone - which I know I am not. I am not saying this to be mean. I know how hard it is to live with chronic pain. I know some days are worse than others, but you have to live. So many people adopt the pitiful me syndrome when they are diagnosed with something. It is sad. Life is so precious and short. Too short to stop living because you choose to be defined by your disease or discomfort. It only makes you feel worse! I know there will be posters all upset with my post. This thread is a great way of posting their ailments and a way of getting more attention by getting defensive. I am not saying anyone here is not in pain (both by their illness and emotional/mental pain because of the same illness and their need for people to understand).

 

I don't think that it is a simple, get out there and start living your life type of answer the problem. I think people who choose to use their illness and pain as a way of getting attention need help. Something else is wrong - either depression or another psychological problem that makes them so needy.

 

At any rate, those who posted who are going through a difficult time in their lives, I wish you all the best. I wish you days of relief and I hope that you are doing well today - if not today, then maybe tomorrow?

 

Today, I am a 35 year old woman who is going to college to get upgrading and is going to med school in two years. I run every day, and work full time. My pain is mine. My disease is just a small percentage of who I am. I have set back ( my thyroid has been attacked and is not working anymore, my lungs are starting to be affected, and now my eyesight is getting worse every month. But I will not give in  to this, I will never complain, and I will never forget how important living each day to the fullest is the only way to ensure that when the time comes that my life is over... I can say I live it to the fullest and I was happy.

I've had several of the same symtoms. It's been 12 weeks since I've been able to hold any thing down. And I have been unable to have a regular bowel movement. Either I can go or I cant.  The Dr. said at first i had a Peptic ulcer. Now after losing 34 pounds in 5 weeks he now is running test on me. I cant do any of the things that I used to do. I cant go to the garden for more than a few min. then I get sick, or go fishing. That

is killing me. I love to fish, and we have a pond about 200 yards away. All I can do is look at it. I cant stand this. I love this time of year I get a tan and have brighter skin. I seem to be happier during warm weather. Now I get depresses really easy, I snap at husband and friends. They understand, but for how long? I can hardley keep up with house work because I give out real easy and to cook supper kills me. When the smell hits me I have to stop and get him to take over. He has been an angle about it. He says he knows how hard I work to keep every thing going, I guess thats a good thing. I'm ready to get back to normal. I cant stand sleeping all they time. Thats causing my legs to burn all the time. Dr. said thats my cyatic(sp)nerve getting pressed more than usual and I need to get out and walk. Wow I would love to that. But what happens if I pass out because the heat has got me. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like this is going to put me in an early grave. My husband gets mad when I say that. But sometimes that what it makes me feel like.