Topic : When a Family Member Gets Sick

Anyone know about this?

My Father was diagnoised with colon cancer in November of '05.  He had surgery to take our part of his colon and has undergone 3 different types of chemotherapy.  We are at the point now that it has metasized for the 2nd time to his liver, lung and adrenal gland.  Chemo now has been stopped.  He is 78 years old.  Very healthy otherwise.  Very active and vibrant besides the cancer.  But the cancer has taken its tole.  He has lost 60 lbs.  Chemo has made his face break out with terrible boil like sores that were terribly sore and itchy.  And some of the other terrible side effects that come with chemo.

He has endured it all with dignity and without complaint.  Probably more than I could have done.  I have been more than proud of him.  He isn't ready to go but who really is.  There is always things that you want to do in life.  But he has had a wonderful life.  I have been spending the last few weeks making his dreams come true.  He wanted to ride in a helicopter and I made it happen.  My parents celebrated their 48th wedding anniversary and they won't make 50 so I decided to do a faux 50 and got them remarried.  I thought it would be wonderful for them to share and great memories for my mother.

I guess what I am looking for is if anyone has been through this and what timeline looks like for this type of cancer.  And how to deal with it.  I feel like if I would slow down I would fall apart.  If I cried I would not stop.  I almost feel numb to what is to come at this point.  Logically I understand.  I get it.  But I feel as if I am living in a fog when it comes to this part of my life.  I am my Father's daughter.  We have always been super close.  I still feel like he is the big Dad and I am the little daughter with my tiny hand in his big Dad hand.  My sister and I came a little later in life for my parents so we are losing him earlier in our life than most people lose parents.  So, it feels life we are getting cheated but in a way we are luckier because they so wanted us and they probably did spend more time with us and appreciated us more.  They certainly doted on us. 

I am hoping for someone to maybe tell me what to expect.  I just am afraid. 

You know as I sit here reading alot of these story's with tear's rolling down my face  I just want to tell you all your in my thoughts and prayers! I wont forget any of these story's and I hope I can be as strong as all of you when its my time! It really stinks when were delt the hand that some of us are. I'm told there's alway's a lesson to all that happen's and I have great difficulties in beleiving in that!  We all seek the help where ever we can and I surly know how difficult it can be in the Dr's office waiting for answer's that we can't seem to get. I know their not perfect but when it come's down to illness or diseases you would hope for more than what is given or said. I just want to live long enough to see my daughter grow up and graduate and date and all those things that parents cant wait for to happen. Well I hope that will happen for me! Your story's are so important so dont ever stop writng about them because hopefully one day there will be cures for alot of these horrific diseases and conditions.Im to the point that I dont know how to go on and just get by each day and wonder what will happen to my family. You all are so strong how do you do it.I used to be the one to hold everyone else up and now Im fighting for my life because of someones ignorence with a cell phone and speeding .I dont know how to be strong anymore Im so tired of burning and all the pain is so unbearable I dont know how much more I can take or my family can deal with.I feel like Im putting them in debt and other things too! I fight everyday all day to standup and trying to still be mom,wife,daughter,friend and its getting to hard.I feel embarrised that I cant feel strong like I used to be and I keep trying but knowing what I do ,How do I keep fighting when its to hard anymore? I just want to give up.But another part of me just remains to see my daughter and husband as much as I can.They dont deserve this and either do I after all I have conquired I may loose again for good! I cant fix this one.What do I do? I will pray for all of you .There are so many sites like this .Everyone is suffering really bad and I cant grasp onto that. There's so many of us and to me that says alot!!!!!!!!!! I dont know Im really scared out of my mind !

                            Take care all and please take care of one another! Thankyou Dr.phil for having this here!     LOVE HOPE FOR ALL 01

My wife and I married in 2006. She was previously married and this was my first. She had two children from her prior relationship and we were eager to try and have at least one more child. I was in graduate school for clinical psychology and looking forward to getting my doctorate in a couple years. The first few months were very enjoyable; our sex life was great; we were always doing things together. A typical "honeymoon" period.

Five months later she was hospitalized for abdominal pains. She was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer which had moved into her bones. All of the doctors were flustered since she was only 30 years old at the time. The prognosis was poor and most doctors were only concerned about making her comfortable and gave a rather bleak outlook. The cancer was in her hips which caused simple walking and bending to be extremely painful. It turned out that she had a genetic predisposition for the disease and that her hormones appeared to be contributing to the disease's progression. They began radiation and hormonal treatment immediately.

This was quite a blow to my idealistic views of our future. I went through a tumultuous period where my mood ranged from deep depression to denouncing God for doing something so horrible. The one thing I never did was leave her or shun her. I have always taken my wedding vows very seriously. We have been navigating our emotional voyage thus far. I left graduate school to care for my wife and her two children but will receive my Masters degree in December of 2008. We relocated in 2007 to a small town and reside on the same property as my father.

Currently, I have been noticing an increasing feeling of restlessness within our relationship. She is as active as she can but the condition leaves her bedridden frequently. She also reports having a lot of guilt for my decision to leave graduate school and take care of my family. I try to reassure her but it does little. Our sex life has also significantly suffered. We went from having sex a few times per week to having sex once every few months at most. I still feel attracted to her but I cannot stay "in the mood" when I see how much pain she experiences whenever we do try to be intimate. I have also taken a very active role in raising her two sons and she feels bad for that as well.

While I remain committed to my wife and family, I have been feeling very dissatisfied with my life and some of the choices that I have made. I am conscious of the fact that I cannot change the past but feel sadness for where I am. I am presently between jobs and feel a sense of loss for the fact that within my present relationship I cannot have a child of my own with my wife. I feel as if I have lost my own life and my own dreams. This experience has taught me that even meantal health professionals cannot be truly objective when they are immersed in the situation and the emotional climate. I continue to struggle with my feelngs and have joined this site to have a place to discuss my experiences with others.

My 86 year old mother let a handyman move in with her (rent free). At first, my sisters and I thought this was OK. He'd done decent work around her house in the previous months and she enjoyed his company. However, as soon as he moved in he immediately stopped doing any work on her house. He even let two large projects go unfinished -- an interior painting project that left spackle smear marks all over her walls and a landscaping project that left dozens of tools laying all over the yard and a huge mound of dirt. His excuse was that he had asthma and back trouble -- something that hadn't been mentioned before he moved in. As I was the one who paid her monthly bills, I noticed that she was withdrawing unusually large amounts of cash from her bank account (she lives on a modest fixed income). Also, we had discovered evidence of his gambling hobby in the house including cheap souveniors from the casinos that our mom began to display as precious gifts from him. His presence took over her house and he seemed to take over her life. Soon he began saying things to us like, I do more for your mom than any of you. It got to the point where going to visit her felt uncomfortable for us and more and more like we were guests in HIS house. When we tried to talk to her about any of this she defended him. It became a very touchy situation because she was quite fond of him, perhaps even infatuated. We certainly didn't want to break her heart but we also didn't want to let him get any more comfortable there or enriched by her generosity. So, we consulted with an elder law attorney who told us to have her evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist. We did so and it was determined that she had only mild demenia but was extremely vulnerable to undue influence. Therefore, he recommended that she no longer be allowed access to her money or be able to enter into contracts of any kind, including marraige. We also contacted Adult Protective Services who investigated the situation and told us that if we didn't evict this handyman they would refer the matter to the Public Guardian. We couldn't risk having the County take control of our mom and lose our authority over her care so we started the eviction procedings. Of course, this greatly angered our mother and led to a very bitter feud. Surprisingly, a "family friend"/attorney came to my mom's rescue and not only filed an elder abuse lawsuit against me and my sisters, she also had my mom sign a new will, trust, advance healthcare directive and other legal documents -- all naming her as the primary person in charge of our mom's affairs and specifically excluding us from any such authority.  This attorney is someone with an unheathly  lifelong attachment to our mother and apparently saw this family rift over the handyman as her opportunity to have our mom all to herself.  It was certainly a situation that none of us daughters saw coming. And we were amazed to discover that even thought we'd put all the right legal documents in place years ago -- will, living trust, advance healthcare directive -- it took a lot of attorney fees and many months to defend this assault on our right to be our mother's caretakers and decision makers. To make matters worse, this family friend/attorney was also successful in turning some of our extended family members against us, at least temporarily, by leading them to believe flat out lies about things she claimed we'd done to our mother. Ultimately, we had to petition the court to have our mother conserved because she had been so unduely infuenced by this so-called family friend/attorney.  Fortunately, the Judge saw right through all this manipulation and the false accusations of elder abuse and voided all the new legal documents my mom had signed. There's a good chance this attorney will end up facing State Bar discipline but, fortunately, she's no longer allowed to have any contact with our mom and most (but not all) of our relatives have apologized for misjudging us based on her lies. Now our original will, trust, heathcare directive, etc are back in place. But they were the ONLY things that protected us from this legal assualt. Without them, we would now have no access to our own mother or any say over her care. 

So I just wanted to share my story and the importance I've discovered of having all your estate planning documents done BEFORE your parents begin to show signs of incapacity. If you wait until they start to lose capacity, it may be too late.  Also, I would like to emphasize the importance of being wary about people who befriend your elders.  Keep an eye on what the new "friend" may be getting out of the relationship.  Even elders who don't have dementia are vulnerable to undue influence as they naturally welcome the attention that often accompanies a relationship of this kind. I never imagined that anything like this could happen in our loving family but now I know that it could happen to anyone.

Suzie Zupan

I saw your post and wanted to respond.  I am really sorry for your dads diagnosis.  When I went blind at the age of 25  I just couldn't believe it .  The optomolgist told me I had multiple sclerosis and optic neuritis I was blind in my right eye and going to be blind in my left eye.  Well the feeling of loss was overwhelming I wasn't going to see my husband or child or anyone for that matter.  I fell apart and went to the neurologist and he said anyone can get mutiple sclerosis.  Well here I am at the age of 49 and I just cannot believe the unbearable depression that comes with multiple sclerosis and with fibromyalgia I feel that fibro is the same as multiple sclersois only on training wheels.  I cannot remember much even in a conversation I get lost so I have more or less quit talking.  The other night I was asleep and took a planters wart out of the bottom of my foot.  It looked like it had been removed by a surgeon.  I ended up in the hospital for it but no one would believe me when I said that I did it in my sleep.  Epson Salt and you should do fine.  What is fine anymore and who said fun begins at 50 cause that's a dang lie.  I have stopped taking MS treatments as I was sicker taking the shots than not.  Sometimes I have panic attacks and sometimes all I can do is sleep.  I hate the person I've become.  I walk with a cane for balance and its terrible.  I never knew the prejudice of people as much as I have now.  If I go to big stores I have to take a wheelchair.  How can a doctor tell you to stay away from stress when LIFE is just a whole lot of stress itself.  One day and one step everyday that's what my life has become.

Hi, I used to use these message boards many years ago to help me to get through a very bad divorce and leave an abusive husband (NOW my EX!!!).  Now, I am in a different section, just hoping someone will see what I am writing and have some words either of encouragement or just to know that I have some place to put my feelings out to.

Just recently, we were told that my mom had a brain tumor (which came out of no where-she is never a sick person) and it had to be removed.  It was on October 1st, and the Brain surgery went awesome.  She came through with flying colors.  But now after having the surgery, we were told it is malignant, and is not curable.  I am having a very hard time digesting this information.  She is going to be 65 years old in 4 days, and she was planning on retiring and my mom and dad just went last month and purchased a home in Florida so that they could retire there.  They were going to be "snow birds" and go back and forth with the changing seasons.  I cannot believe that all this has happened.  She worked her whole life to get to this point to retire and live her life and enjoy her life.  Their 45 th wedding anniversary was just a couple of weeks ago, just days after being told she has this tumor.

She is my best friend and matriarch of our entire family.  I cannot even begin to imagine life without her.  My husband and I have 7 children together, 4 of my own and 3 of his-a blended family.  My mom has these 7 grandchildren and I do not want her to not be here for them. 

She is beginning radiation and chemo in a week, and will lasst for 6 weeks.  I want to be prepared for everything.  I wish I was the one going through this and not her.  I was told that the worse case senario is that she as less than a year to live.  HOW can I even comprehend that?????  Does anyone have any advice at all, ways to cope, support groups, anything???  I am very worried about my dad also.  He never shows or expresses his feelings and he has not left her side since we found out, but I am worried that he is not dealing with this well.

Please, I would love to hear anything that would help me and my family to understand and cope with what we are going through.

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this.......

Hi,

I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. Just reading your entry brought back memories of when I found out my mom had cancer and I thought my world was coming to an end. I really thought that I could not handle it so I feel your pain. My mom was older than your mom and we found out she had cancer three weeks after my brother passed away so we never got to even deal with the loss of him before all of this happened with my mom. She had vaginal cancer which spread to her bladder and she ended up having to have a urostomy. They had diagnosed her with stage 4 and I didn't even know what stage for was and when I found out I was beside myself. I don't know and the doctors don't know why but she lived for another 10years after that diagnosis which is not the norm. I remember thinking that every Thanksgiving and Christmas was going to be her last but it didn't happen so we were able to spend a lot more time than we ever thought. The only thing I can tell you is that God alone knows when it is someones time to go. I know the heartbreak of being by someone side and knowing that you are going to lose them. My mom passed away a few weeks after Christmas in 07 and I miss her very much but I also know that she is no longer in pain and is as peace and that gives me a little solace. Please know that I will keep you and your family in my prayers. You will get through this and your mom will feel your love for her and that will give her strength...take care        ~Carol~

My 15 year old son has Crohn's disease. He is very often in pain or feeling a lot of discomfort from CD. The problem I'm fighting is the fact that his stepfather finds it hard to belive my son is hurting as much as he says he is and gets irritated when he (my son) doesn't help around the house as much as he (stepfather) asks.

This creates problems in our relationship and my husband feels abandoned because I side with my son. He feels that I'm enabeling my son in being lazy.  We really don't see eye to eye on this and it has come to the point where my son simply gets irritated and angry when his stepfather opens his mouth to speak to him.

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place standing between the two of them trying to soften the blows. Often speaking to each of them in private listening to complaints and trying to help them find a way to accept and understand each other.

Often, when I try to talk to my husband about his behavior towards my son, he (husband) makes sure he talks loud enough so that my son will certainly hear everything he's saying, defending him self and often blaming my son, wich I personally find pretty childish.

The fact is that Crohn's is a very painful disease and the people who have it really need a lot of support and understanding from everyone around them.

Maybe my son sometimes says he's in more pain than he really is, but I really don't care. He does well in school, goes to soccer practice twice a week, (often in a lot of pain, but loving the sport to much not to go) comunity center once a week, hangs out with his friends as much as possible and almost always finishes his homework. So when he finally comes home and wants to sit and watch TV or play in the PC instead of doing the dishes I don't mind at all.