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Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

Number of Replies: 845
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:08:39 am
Author : dataimport
What is the best way to support those you love who are coping with depression or grieving a loss? Post your tips and share support with others.

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November 3, 2005, 2:33 pm CST

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: kimmie1

Hi Heather, I just lost my mom 2 months ago so does it get better i dont know the answer to that but I say to be srong because i know it hurts.  I also was thinking maybe you can help me with something how long was before your mom starting dating again?  Because since my mom death my dad started to things he didnt usually do.  And startinting to recieve more privte phone calls than usually .  Im sort of upset about the whole thing because i remember him holding my mom hand when she died and telling her that he would never marry again and there is no woman that can take her place and then now he out dating.( I know he said he wouldnt marry and nothing about dating) but i am very upset about this and I know that it may because he miss my mom and he is lonely but i probably could and would accept it better if my mom grave wasnt still fresh while all this is taking place.  so I say that to say this would i be out of place if i mention my feelings toward this to him? keep in mind I am a very mature married 23 years old and know how address him in very respectful manner.  or should i leave it alone and let him grieve in his own way?  kimmie1 

Hey Kimmie, 

  

You asked the right person for advice on this.  First off thanks for writing me back I appreciate any advice I can get.  When my dad passed away my mom said a lot of the same things your father said.  I wont marry again and no one can take my dads place.  And you know what she wasnt lying.  No one can ever take my dads place and both her and I know this.  My mom started dating about a year after my dad died.  But you know what, I think everyone deals with death in a different way.  Perhaps your dad just needs that compainionship and support and this is how he is going about getting it.  I had a huge problem with my mom dating again.  My dad has been gone for four years and I had a hard time with her marrying again.  I really had to convince myself that it was very selfish of me to deny her of that, she is a wonderful woman who deserves to be happy and have that compainionship.  I think you are having a hard time because you miss your mom so much and that is the same exact way that I felt.  I personally think that you should confront you dad on your feelings.  I am 24 and married and my family has always had a very open relationship, i confronted my mom about my thoughts on her dating and she is the one who was there to comfort me it never hurts to be open about your feelings if you do it in a respectful way and remember he is hurting too.  I just want you to know that I have gone through exactly what you are going through now. I would love to help you as much as i can because it is a long process as you can tell its something that i still deal with everyday.  If you want you can email me at hmizzou@yahoo.com, maybe we can be a support system for each other. 

Heather 

 
November 4, 2005, 6:19 am CST

mediation

Thus saith the Lord God,
 
My Children, "Ye have sold yourselves for naught: redemption comes from God, and cannot be bought with money"
 
"My name every day is continually blasphemed. Therefore, my people shall know my name: Therefore in this day, they shall know that it is I that speaketh".
 
BEHOLD: IT IS I
"The Alter"
 
November 7, 2005, 8:01 pm CST

How do you help someone...

Who doesn't want to help them self? 

I have a family member with major depression and OCD, this person refuses to seek help, but expects everyone to deal with their verbal attacks, moody behaviour and to walk on egg shells every day.  If you have any suggestions as to how family members who are trying to be supportive can manage, I would really appreciate it. 

  

Thank You 

 
November 7, 2005, 8:04 pm CST

OCD Help

Quote From: glorious

Who doesn't want to help them self? 

I have a family member with major depression and OCD, this person refuses to seek help, but expects everyone to deal with their verbal attacks, moody behaviour and to walk on egg shells every day.  If you have any suggestions as to how family members who are trying to be supportive can manage, I would really appreciate it. 

  

Thank You 

Please see the link below for Dr. Phil's recommendations and advice about OCD.  You can also try typing in a word or phrase in the search box at the top right side of the page here to find more information on a particular topic. 

  

http://drphil.com/articles/article/220/ 

 
November 10, 2005, 5:07 pm CST

don't give up

Quote From: patty_r

Thank you all so much for your kind words. It helps to hear I just might be normal after all.

I am so sorry for your losses also. I have been working alot on a web site for my son and I visit a chat room for parents who have lost a child. I am going to a support group tomorrow night also. I hope all of these things will help me in so many ways. His web site helps so much...it is a way I can make sure the world knows my son was here!!!! Take care and thanks. God Bless.

Patty

I lostmy 16 year old granson on prom night no drinking or drugs were involed ,and his so called funeral would not go in my church, 

 it realy bothers me that he has no place to even know he is gone, My husband died after a serious rare illness with no retirment ,Life can throw some strange curves I am trying to pay 15,00.00 to get mouth reconstion done and lost my home over it ,now I will have to lleave here and go to lower income aparrtment  geting too ols for this stuff seek_help 

 
November 11, 2005, 2:28 pm CST

hey, maxomax!

I have not been on this board before and thumbed back a little bit, and boy did your message catch my attention.  I have been in a situation like yours before, and it took a while to escape.  I cared for my mom after a stroke, and my dad lived with me for years until he passed away from cancer, God rest his soul.  I have some moochers in my life now, but oh well.  I no longer give to them, only food when they are in need, and only for the children. 

If you family has true disabilities, good for you for caring for them, but make sure it's not only an excuse.  All of us have issues, and most of us could manipulate people around us into taking care of us.   

You are depressed, that is a disability.  you deal with it, right?  Help your family stop killing you.Make them get jobs, many women have worked until the day the give birth, name anything more difficult than that.  

Cut the strings for your own good, you will eventually break if you don't. 

 
November 12, 2005, 5:28 pm CST

Financial assistance for Adults with facial birth defects

There are many great organizations and foundations out there for children with every disease, deformity and such out there but I have not came across any organizations and foundations for financial assistance for Adults with facial birth defects. Its true that most research is done during the childhood years but could there be possibly good research done on adults as well that could help in that research, and in the same process help those that can not help themselves financially and are only trying and struggling to better their lives against discrimination of being different in this society. Individuals that want to be looked upon because of their inner and outer beauty and seen beyond the scars and battles of the birth defect that they had to be born with.  

  

Anyone interested or have any information, is definitely appreciated. I am hoping to find someone or some people that want to either help in one way or another and get a good cause started.  

 
November 12, 2005, 5:33 pm CST

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: tnhorton

I personally have never been blamed for anyones death; however I have had issues where family became divided by other experiences & due to my admission. It all happened over a serious issue & one of which that certain individuals wanted to just let it lie under the rug & pretend that the problem didn't exist; when others wanted to solve the problem & understood the importance of coming to terms with it all. Ultimately the family divided & became hateful toward each other (which I was to blame for) & still to this day "nothing" has been resolved the proper way & the tension is still in the air for certain individuals.  

  

For myself, I had to take care of "me". I had to come to terms with the issue in some way even though I couldn't bring my family to do the same. I removed myself from the harmful relationships & moved out of state. For me, this was the best thing that I could have done for myself.....the distance! This allowed me to not just get away from the chaos, but also to work through this issue on my terms & in my time. Mind you, this was a serious issue that took a few years for me to come to terms with....it didn't happen over night. But I learned that even family can be harmful people (unfortunately) & that it is ok for me to remove myself from these harmful people in order to live the full & happy life that I deserve & want.  

  

As far as grief is concerned, I guess I am understanding that it has been just a little over a year since your grandmothers death? If that is the case, then yes, this is very normal. Generally the hardest part of grief is through the first year; however, you don't just stop grieving once you've hit the one year mark.....grief continues, but lessens more & more as you work through your grief a little at a time. I am sure that you can look back & see a difference in yourself today compared to a year ago, or even maybe 6 months ago. But also you might want to consider that some of your grief might not be all in regards to your grandmother....but in regards to family members who you have lost through this ordeal & moved away from. Because that is also like grieving as well. Just wanted to point that out in case you hadn't thought of that....to identify your grief & each person individually.  

  

I hope this helps you! God Bless! 

Thank you very much for your reply I just got around to reading it tonight and it completely makes sense....all of it...even the part about grieving about the family members that are mad about her death and blame me, even though I did everything in my power. I can tell that you have had reflection of your own situation and have kind of been there done that. Thank you!
 
November 12, 2005, 5:45 pm CST

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: dulce81

I wasn't sure where to post this at. . . 

  

I am a 23-year-old third year college senior who is very unhappy about my life situation. I felt that I have setlled because I only applied here and I should have applied to other places especially to the Big Ten university back home. One of my friends who graduated from this rinky-dink university suggested that I come here since she said it was a "great " school and everything and that I needed to "grow into an independent woman leaving home", but I think she's wrong.  

  

Things aren't going the way I expected here and I had tried to leave out (transfer) last year but some people were telling me that I should stay here and "stick it out." I disagree because it's me who is going through this not them. I had some people ask me howcome I didn't go to the Big Ten university back home and I tell them that I needed to go somewhere else for a little while and each time they ask me that I feel like beating myself up for making such a bad decision. Even my family puts me down for the decision I made and my father really wanted me to attend the Big Ten university since he graduated from there and he tells me that I could get in easier since he is an alumn there.  

  

If I do transfer I would be happier and proud of my school rather than getting my degree here and being unhappy about it. So, please help me!! I am in the pursuit of my happiness and I can't get that here. Thanks for all of the advice! 

I can totally relate. I went to this school out of state and half way across the country. That was my way of telling my family and friends that I needed a change of scenery and pace. I went from the City to the country quite literally. I was there for a year and a half but after that some events happened in my life and I no longer wanted to be there. I had people telling me too, to stick it out and I would be okay but I had to what was best for me and not best for them. I did move back for two years until more recent events in life....but anyway...... 

  

If you believe that you are going to be happier somewhere else and you have better opportunities there, and a great support network there, then you have to follow your gut and your heart. You need to do it for you and no one else, this is your life and future after all. What does your heart and gut it tell you?  

hope this helps! 

 
November 14, 2005, 2:38 pm CST

hubby just left for IRAQ

Quote From: red_white

*1 More Yellow Ribbon*

On September 11, 2005 a new message board was established on drphil.com to SUPPORT OUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS in the military.

This is a forum for soldiers, their families other compassionate and concerned individuals for both mutual support and to talk about real things folks can do to help those who serve and protect.

Will you please join us? Who do you know that is in-harms-way? Tell us about them. We can do more to support our loved ones. We can make our voice heard and make their voices heard as well.

GO TO MESSAGE BOARDS page
CLICK BEYOND THE HEADLINES
CLICK News and Current Events
CLICK *1 More Yellow Ribbon*

Most Americans agree to support OUR TROOPS. Thats wonderful. But what does that mean? OUR TROOPS are individuals... every soldier is someones son or daughter. As we tie our yellow ribbons, lets attach names to the sons and daughters collectively know as OUR TROOPS.

FAMILIES are also caught up in the war.

THIS WAR has hit our home. Our son Mike is in the desert. Until he returns safely the light on our patio shines day and night on a large AMERICAN FLAG tied with a YELLOW ribbon. We call it MIKES LIGHT.

Please light a lamp in your window or keep a porch light on, fly the flag proudly, and tie a yellow ribbon for those in harms way. We invite folks to post pictures of these tributes on the board.

What else can we do to support those who are sacrificing because of the war? Everyone can do SOMETHING. Please share your ideas.

When I asked our son what I could do for him, he said, You speak for me! Mike said I should tell people that each man and woman in the military has a job to do. They need the support of the American people to get the job done and come home!

Mikes Mom
this is what i was looking for support to help deal with my hubby leaving us for 18mths!!!  thank you  Angel
 
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