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Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

Number of Replies: 845
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:08:39 am
Author : dataimport
What is the best way to support those you love who are coping with depression or grieving a loss? Post your tips and share support with others.

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December 4, 2005, 8:19 pm CST

my son needs help..

thank you so much for your imput.. and no the school does not want to do anymore until he is diagnosed .. poor mason is stuck in the middle of all this red tape.. and i do agree with you that mason world can not have any part out of wack or he is out of wack... mason too has a thing about wanting to take off his shoes and clothing.. they are very annoing to him.. so inorder to keep all clothing and shoes on at school we make it a treat everyday he is able to come home and strip all his clothing off and walk around withonly his underwear on.. this seems to be working so far. but some days i can tell how his day was if he takes everythings off  or if he only takes off his shirt. he is so original and wounderful .. i try not to snuff out his spirt .. somedays it is very hard... no our peditrician tried to medicate him right off the bat.. so ..... not sure about his ped. will try to make appt. and see if i can get this resolved with him .. if not we will be looking for another ped. and therapist. it took along time getting dale , our youngest son , diagnosed.. i know i am not wrong with dale and i hope i am on the right path with mason . the school is very upset with me right now the counceler , teacher , resourse room teacher and pricipal seem like the only way is to medicate him and my response is offcourse... it is the easy way out ... drug him up , shut him up and put him in a corner. then they won't have to work so hard.. sorry i don't think so.... not my son... but one question i was told that aspberger child can not lie.. is that true.. ??? well thanks for letting me bend your ear.. thank you for all your help and suggestions... tammy
 
December 6, 2005, 9:05 pm CST

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: nana3438

    

     I lost my dad to cancer last march, and it was the hardest thing to see, he was such a strong man all his life, and to see the cancer just take him little by little was the horrible thing. Everyday he grew weaker and weaker, and all we could do was be there for him, one of the saddest days in my life would have to be one day last year, it was just a few weeks before Christmas and i was bringing my dad home from the hospital, and i asked him what he would like me to buy him for Christmas, and his reply just about broke my heart, he said all i want is to get better, and silently my heart broke and tears streamed down my face, i didn't want him to see me cry. It was a very hard Christmas, and now with him gone it going to be even harder, i miss him so much. He was always the one i would run to if i had a problem in my life, he always would hug me and tell me everything will be OK, now i just feel all alone inside, i still talk to him, and i would give anything to hear him say every things going to be OK, but i do know hes looking down on us and wishing to that he could be here. I am going home to spend Christmas with my Mom, so that she wont have to be alone, i know this is realy hard on her, and i want to make this first Christmas without him just alittle less lonely for her.  

 Hi Nana,
I love the Subject title you wrote in your message.  I feel exactly the same about my dad too!  My dad died suddenly in 2001 and I have never been the same since.  He was my best friend and I always felt so comforted by his words, his hugs and just his presence - so safe.  I miss him terribly, miss his voice, his jokes, his guidance, his love, etc.  The first year of holidays is very hard - even just going shopping for me was very hard - still is - I am SO aware of the fact that I'm not buying anything for him.  Everyone is different, but for me, time does not heal in this instance, things may change, but for me the tremendous void is always there, ever present - I know it's so cliche, but I really do feel that a big part of me went with him.  I have a son and that's who keeps me going - I do up the holidays for him.  It helps to tell stories about my dad to him, it helps keep him alive in a way for me.  I wish you and your family the best and being together for the holidays will be good for you all.
 
December 7, 2005, 12:50 am CST

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: profderien

hi -- i read your post soon after you wrote it, hoping that someone could give you some solid support.  i just want you to know that i was very moved by your devotion to your mother.  it is never okay for a child to be a parent and you've been bearing the burden too long -- as you say, you need to keep your own health in check.  sometimes we just have to let go and see what happens.  i find it horrific that tennessee has no inpatient extended care facilities -- so wrong, so wrong. 

  

it seems to me that you have been, and will continue to be, a great daughter to your mom.  it may be that all the help you were giving her caused the state to think she was better off than she really is.  is there a way to get social services to check in on her?  maybe your aunt can talk with united way to see if there are any resources that apply to your mom's situation. 

  

all of us "out here" would like to know how it goes for all of you.  take good care of yourself. 

 

prof-de-rien 

It's not that Tennessee has no residential in-patient mental health facilities, it's that there are no *government owned* facilities. In other words, unless you're obscenely rich or have some VERY good health insurance, you can't get into one. I've looked everywhere...called places...everything I could do to find something. There is nothing here. 

She thinks the world owes her a free ride, that society owes her something; that people should take care of her. This is simply not true, especially not at her age (She's only 44). 

She wants to have a car, a nice place to live...but she refuses to get a job and claims she isn't able. So she complains and whines about how horrible her life is when she doesn't have a car and lives in public housing, when in reality, she's lucky she got the public housing, which is next to impossible to get right now. She was lucky she didn't end up on the bad side of town...but the glass is always half empty. 

  

I want to help her, but she needs professional help that I cannot give. I just don't get it...I mean, shouldn't there be *something* out there for the mentally ill? 

Heh, sometimes me and my aunt sort of joke darkly that even Dr. Phil couldn't help my mom. I'm just worried that she can't be helped. And...even though I don't live with her, and I have alot of bad memories with her, I can't let her go. I have nightmares about it, and it simply scares me to death.  

  

Thanks for replying, at least.  I guess my question scares people away...it's a little more dramatic than some, I suppose. 

 
December 9, 2005, 12:08 pm CST

There will always be a void !

Quote From: breezy10

 Hi Nana,
I love the Subject title you wrote in your message.  I feel exactly the same about my dad too!  My dad died suddenly in 2001 and I have never been the same since.  He was my best friend and I always felt so comforted by his words, his hugs and just his presence - so safe.  I miss him terribly, miss his voice, his jokes, his guidance, his love, etc.  The first year of holidays is very hard - even just going shopping for me was very hard - still is - I am SO aware of the fact that I'm not buying anything for him.  Everyone is different, but for me, time does not heal in this instance, things may change, but for me the tremendous void is always there, ever present - I know it's so cliche, but I really do feel that a big part of me went with him.  I have a son and that's who keeps me going - I do up the holidays for him.  It helps to tell stories about my dad to him, it helps keep him alive in a way for me.  I wish you and your family the best and being together for the holidays will be good for you all.
Thank you for your kind words, it does somehow help to know i am not alone,and i realize that if life takes the path it is supposed to, we will all feel the pain of losing our parents. Its one of the things in this life we all have in common. I used to wonder how people deal with the lose of one or both of their parents, i guess i am coming to realize that you have to keep on going as hard as it is sometimes, and i feel like no matter how old i am physically when i think of my father i am still a child inside,and i will always miss the comfort of knowing that he was there for me no matter what. I am 41 and still going through some tough times in my life, and i so much need him right now. But i guess i have to figure things out for myself, and i know someday i will. I just though of something that happened a few months ago and i thought  i would share it ... i was at my moms and i starting crying, because its so hard to be there without him, and my mother said you have to let him go, and i so wanted to scream at her and say...how do i do that mom ... i really don't now, but i didn't i dried my eyes and came to realize that maybe me being so upset around her made it harder on her, so now i keep the pain inside so no one can see. i am not sure if thats the right thing to do or not,but for now thats what i do.... and thanks again for sharing your kind words with me..and have a Merry Christmas !!
 
December 9, 2005, 10:03 pm CST

my son needs help..

THANK YOU , THANK YOU and THANK YOU.. I finally took the bull by to horns.. we found a doctor that finally listens.. and take us seriously. we went to doctors and she spent 2.5 hours with mason had him draw , play games and look over the journal. she is not real sure how to "label" him as of yet but she did say the same thing as you. AS children can infact "lie" it is out of the "normal" sence but they can . she has never seen one as of yet either. so she really was intrigued by mason. she did say he is quite the ENIGMA.... he is in all the gray areas. she says she will research more and gave me somethings to read over. she says as of right now he is more generlized anxiaty disorder and disagrees with adhd. she said that he is so amazing and his pictures tell a wounderful story of his world. he sees things so differently the the average( not sure what average is anymore) she would like to see the report from behavoir specialist.. she thinks that is a perfect start.... and so do i . your humor is what i needed!!! and yes i would fall on the floor laughing hysterically.... not sure if it is the lack of sleep or just plain slap happy but for what it is worth very funny...... thank you for giving me the support when i needed it ... thank you for giving me courage for myself and for my son... i am sure i will be sending you info on mason in the coming few weeks as we get it. have an extordiary holiday!!!!!!! tammy
 
December 15, 2005, 11:02 am CST

Holiday going sour

Hi Everyone. 

  

This is my first post here.  I have read these boards for a long time but I am finally posting.  Trying to keep my sanity today I guess.  Not even sure where to begin but here goes... 

  

This holiday season we decorated early and got our presents wrapped.  Something that used to be a last minute thing or just a week or two before Christmas.  I was so proud of how well we did.  We are happy for being in our new house and really being able to decorate.  Now this week I seem to have fell into a slump.  I am so depressed.  Not sure how to even get out.  This is not usual for me.  I have lots of stress this year but this depression is annoying me! 

  

When we bought this house, (our first house) we really were proud of tightening things up so we can get something to help my mom out.  She is 73 and is bipolar/diabetic.  She no longer could care for herself.  With her income and ours, we could make payments and be a bit snug but ok.  This was November of last year.  In January my mom had a stroke. We rushed her to the hospital and they took us into a little room and told us to wait for the doctor.  I was worried because I have never been sent into a room like this before.  Doctor tells us she won't make it through the night.  She had a massive stroke and she won't pull out.  He called a priest to read her her last rights and we stood by her and prayed.  Now it is December and she still is with us but jumping from hospital to nursing home.  I have POA for her and handling everything is so stressful.  She since has had to go for dialysis.  Her kidneys are bad and there is no other way but to get these treatments 3 times a week.  She was not eating so they have to put a tube in her stomach to be fed that way.  She has not been in an upright position since January.  I feel so bad for her.  What a life to not be able to do anything.   

  

So this holiday, my mother won't be home for Christmas.  My aunt, her sister,  just had quadruple bipass surgery three weeks ago.  My other aunt two months ago had been diagnosed with having breast cancer.  My daughter went to Florida on Monday and was in a car accident and then on Tuesday my husband was involved in a car accident.  Tuesday night my teenage daughter just had her first heartbreak.  After a year of dating he broke up with her and she is devastated.  I am trying to hold my own but the stress of trying to juggle bills since we don't have moms income to help anymore and I have had to take on watching children to help with income.   It seems endless!  I am not sure if this depression is from all of the above or me taking on my daughters pain of loss.  I wish I could make things better for her but all I can do is just be there to support her.  In time she will be fine I know but I just can't bear the thought of my children in pain like that.   

  

Sometimes I feel like I am going to be sick.  I feel a big lump in my chest and have to remember to take deep breaths.  I feel anxious at times but just feel so lost.  I cried so much yesterday.  Drop of a hat.  This onset happens through the day.  I don't know what I can do to stop this.  I never experienced this before.  I did make an appointment to see a counselor next week.  I know that talking does help.  This is the reason for this awful long post too.  I have always been the strong one in the family.  Yes a mush at times.  Sad movies, special "I love you" notes from my kids etc. all left me mushy in tears.  This though is not like that though.  I really feel overwhelmed.   

  

Have any of you experienced this?  What did you do?  How did you pull through it?   

  

Thanks for reading through and making it this far.   

 
December 18, 2005, 4:27 am CST

sister sentenced to 5 years for aiding an escape at a max prison she whas a corrections officer there

 

Our family is in need of help. My sister just got sentenced to 5 years to  prison for aiding the escape of a prisoner where she was a corrections officer. I feel she was held hostage, he told her to unlock the door or his outside connections were going to kill her children. In the sentecing guidlines, she should have only gotten 0-14 months, but the judge and the prosecuter went above and beond the guidelines :( She has never gotten into trouble in her life, bareley even a speeding ticket. She has two young children at home, I wish dr phil could help us understand why she would do such a thing, why do we feel Sad, mad, angry, hurt, betrayed all at the same time. She did not let him off the prison grounds though, she let him out a secured door, which he entered a food cart with a kitchen worker and there is 2 more check points by guards, how come these guards didnt check it?Or how come they didnt get into trouble? What is going on here, Its Christmas time for god sake. What is going to happen to our family? 

 
December 18, 2005, 9:12 pm CST

my son needs help..

hello, just a quick question on mason. i know i seem to be full of questions lately.. i need your perspective. masons therapist asked if anyone in my family has tourettes (i think that is how you spell that) i looked up on internet and pulled some info. still not sure completely about what it is from what i have been able to read about. it fits him .... not sure where to go next and not really sure of much lately.. what is tourettes and what kind of theripy will help him.. it did say that most casses of tourettes are missed diagnosed with adhd and or aspbergers.. the doc says his anxiety is the antaginizer.. is the true?? thanks tammy
 
December 18, 2005, 9:47 pm CST

Imagine

imagine a woman
mother of two girls and grandmother of 6 kids
a very strong woman who always bounced back in life
Strong faith in God
daughter of a very loving couple
lived with the same man for about 13 years
she found beauty where hardly no one looked
and created beauty with her hands, mind, and heart 

Now imagine this woman sleeping in the spare bathroom which was converted into her craft room.
Sleeping on the floor because the man she loved was keeping  the house hoter than she could stand...she could not breathe. 

Imagine her being told by this same man that she couldn't leave because she was a burden to him and her family...that no one wanted her. 

imagine that everything she owned was in the room and not throughout the house like it was her home.
imagine now...she packed her things and called her sister.  Her sister was going to get her on her next day off. 

imagine the man telling the woman that he had a plan and that the sister was in on it....only they weren't going ahead with the plan until her dad passed away.  he was in poor health. 

imagine...she called her sister and asked of the plan...the sister was
stunned and assured her there was no plan to do anything to her.
imagine the emotional abuse
imagine the mental anguish
imagine watching the man you love losing his mind...drinking himself to death...in and out of hospital and coming home and hitting the bottle.
She drank too, don't get me wrong...but he was on a mission and it hurt her.
imagine awaiting a hurricane to make landfall and the weather getting bad and him going out to buy cigarettes and leaving her all alone only to worry herself sick.  still no one knows where he sat out the storm. 

Imagine a man who will not let the woman on the computer to see pictures of her grandchildren. 

Imagine a phone call saying the woman had died of a gunshot wound.
Imagine now, the man not calling 911...but calling woman's nephew an hour and a half away and teling him not to tell anyone. 

Imagine the nephew calling 911 and making this report. 

Imagine when the law arrives and the family, the man is home with his brotherfrom an hour away and his lawyer. 

Imagine the man being so drunk he doesn't know who he is...or even when this tragedy occured. 

Imagine the man saying he hadn't seen her since about 11 o'cock the day before...even if he meant pm that would mean he hadn't seen her in about 20 hrs.  Imagine they live together in a one room house.  Only the bathrooms were seperate and hers was converted into a craft room.  It no longer worked as a bathroom.  Did she not come out for a drink or to eat or to go to the bathroom.  Was he even there or had he abandoned her again?  How could he not know where she was?  Did he not here a gunshot?   

Or did he do it?  He would have had at least 20 hrs to clean up and cover up. 

Imagine a man with at least 4 DWI's and a few alcohol related wrecks but who can still drive legally.  Somehow the man has pull somewhere.
He has money and I do not.  He is somebody and I am not...in the local politics anyway. 

now imagine the woman was your mother.  She was mine.  Things do not add up.  Test results are not in.  Things are backed up in Louisiana right now.  Imagine not one law official calling with questions.  Imagine being the last in the family to speak to her.  Imagine living 9 hrs away and being helpless. 

My aunt handled most of the things that needed handling.  She will be called when they close the case.  She is afraid that they areassuming a suicide just because the gun was in her hand.  I will go to my own grave knowing she didn't do this herself.  I have wanted to call the law in charge there but I'm worried they will just blow me off as someone in grief and blowing off steam...denial...
but I am not after justice or vengeance...or making him pay...I want to clear mom's name.  I don't want her blamed for the pain this has caused.  Why can't he just tell us what was going on the two days between when I called her and I got that phone call?  Why won't he let us have Mom's things?  Perhaps she left a clue as to what is going on.
Why does he keep calling my Aunt and getting her to drive down there for Mom's things then only giving her things like a can of hairspray and a bag of towels?  Telling her he'll give her more next time.  Now he's playing with Aunt's head.
Why can't something be done? Even if he didn't pull the trigger himself he is not innocent and he was the cause of her death.  He is responsible and should admit it so Mom can be at peace.  She is angry...I know.
We can't even read a police report until the case is closed.  I just don't think they know the extent of his mental abuse.  Mom even thought he had lost his mind in the weeks before.  She said he was talking to "the little birds" in the yard.  She was mad at him when I called her last, saying he was being an A word...ya know?
I just don't know what to do.  I have accepted her death and wil always miss her.  I just knew Mom very well and she had planned to meet us for Thanksgiving and to see the grandkids.  Said she would get her sister to go because boyfriend wouldn't.  You just can't add two and two and get five... 

 
December 19, 2005, 8:08 am CST

Hoiday going sour

Quote From: profderien

i think that "speclady" must stand for "special lady," because you are definitely a class act.  please go ahead and cry -- sad and stressful things are happening right and left in your family --  what really comes through is how much you care for everyone and how much you literally feel their pain.  you have physical symptoms of  much stress -- listen to your body even as you are taking care of everyone else.  you know, people are generally more tough than we think they are.  i have very thin skin, for instance, and i am perpetually needy, but if i am presented with ways to pull my own weight or to contribute more to whatever the situation is -- well, after a brief pause for introspection, i usually come around. 

  

aha!  a lightbulb moment.  a memory... brief pause while i dig for the lyrics... 

  

simple gifts [shaker tune? folk song? help me, people! 

'tis a gift to be simple 

'tis a gift to be free 

'tis a gift to come round 

where we want to be. 

and when we find ourselves  

in the place that is right 

we will be in the valley 

of love and delight. 

when true simplicity is gained 

to bow and to bend 

we shall not be ashamed. 

to turn and to turn 

will be our delight 

til by turning, turning 

we come round right.   

  

blessings to you and yours.  i hope therapy helps, venting can do wonders!  your daughters are alive, your husband also.  and those who are so very ill -- how much control do you really have over that? as the bald man says:  "how's'it working for 'ya?" 

  

thinking of you -- prof-de-rien 

Thank you for the support in this reply.  It really helped.  I thought I was actually getting it together and I just got hit with something else.  My mother just passed away this morning.  I am trying to stay strong for my family.  I have not let myself break down.  This is all so heavy on me!  I really don't know how much God thinks I can take but I know I am at a breakdown point. 

  

Someone please send me a little sunshine this way! 

  

Irene 

 
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