Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

    

     I lost my dad to cancer last march, and it was the hardest thing to see, he was such a strong man all his life, and to see the cancer just take him little by little was the horrible thing. Everyday he grew weaker and weaker, and all we could do was be there for him, one of the saddest days in my life would have to be one day last year, it was just a few weeks before Christmas and i was bringing my dad home from the hospital, and i asked him what he would like me to buy him for Christmas, and his reply just about broke my heart, he said all i want is to get better, and silently my heart broke and tears streamed down my face, i didn't want him to see me cry. It was a very hard Christmas, and now with him gone it going to be even harder, i miss him so much. He was always the one i would run to if i had a problem in my life, he always would hug me and tell me everything will be OK, now i just feel all alone inside, i still talk to him, and i would give anything to hear him say every things going to be OK, but i do know hes looking down on us and wishing to that he could be here. I am going home to spend Christmas with my Mom, so that she wont have to be alone, i know this is realy hard on her, and i want to make this first Christmas without him just alittle less lonely for her.  

On a cold Novembers night the innocent blood of a man spilled out on US131 five miles south of Grand Rapids, Michigan. The victum of another mans choice to drive while under the influence. The man was a father and a husband. The man was a friend and co worker to some. The man on his way home from a hunting trip with his friends. This man I am sure was  making plans for the Holidays. This man I am sure was planning what gifts to give his wife, children family and friends. This man I never knew. This mans blood is on my hands. I grieve for that mans family. For years this has haunted me and I cant get the grim memory of that night out of my mind. I cant deal with this anymore. This time of year only huants me with horrific memories of how I devastated so many others life. I haTe Novemeber , December and the new year. This year will be another year alone at Christmas only to contemplate the mere exisitence of my bieng. "Just let it end" I have cried to often. I know not how to deal with grief I only know that all the pain I have suffered and will suffered is the life long sentence I must serve due to what I did. Have a Merry F _ _ _ ing Christmas and a Happy F_ _ _ _ng New Year. Peace , joy and all that other bull to you all.

wow.  i really don't know how to respond.  so this is more of a reaction than a response. 

  

your decision was a horrible one with horrible consequences.  you are plenty aware of that -- i have heard it said that depression is anger turned inward.  do you think that applies to you?  then, peeling back the layers, what are you angry about?  your life surely has been changed since that night, too.  you didn't die, but it sounds like you wish you had.  i don't!  you have a story to tell that very well might stop someone else from driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs. 

  

every time you tell that story -- even being as obnoxious as your parting shots -- you not only help someone else but you help yourself.  you might find living less grim, less of a curse, less lonely. 

you might meet people to let into your life.  try finding a speaker's bureau or a nearby school -- they need and want speakers to talk to high schoolers -- probably middle schoolers, too, sad to say. 

  

were you charged, did you serve time?  it is hard to know whether you are speaking in abstractions or concrete truth when you talk about the "life long sentence i must serve."  would you mind writing back and clarifying? 

  

you are so frustrated, so tired!  it's clear that the holidays are awful for people who are depressed -- whatever the reason.  please be gentle with yourself as you think back.  a hardened, evil person would have no remorse, no compassion for 'this man you never knew.' 

  

now... shall we try the holiday wishes one more time?  have a merry christmas, and happy new year.  peace, joy, and love to you. 

  

prof-de-rien 

I want to begin i would do anything for my children. but i don't know what to do. we have been seeking help for my 8year old son and i am hitting big brick walls.  the most painful thing a parent can feel in knowing something is wrong with your child. all of the doctors we have seen so far want to lable him a adhd and ofcourse pull the med. bag out and sedate him. i know he is not adhd but what is going on with him. i will start at the begining. he was a very healthy 10lb. baby full of life and so beautiful. about 9 months he began to go to strangers and hug everyone.. i thought i was a phase then began to wander we would lose him all the time one min. he was there and the next he would disapper. very scary.... then about 4 i started to wander to myself what is so off with my baby boy . he would make strange noises , strange faces, bang his head and seemed to get fixated on objects. then school began.. the school lost him 3 times and socialy he had a very difficult time. this contiuned and now in third grade he is listed with the kids as the weird kid.. he seems to have great difficuly with social rules , can not maintain topic , wanders , we have to stay right on top of him everysecond ... he is very intelligent 131IQ . he is an a-b student and is great looking child beautiful blue eys blond hair and tall unusally tall... i feel like i am not doing my job right now and feel like if i can not get him the help he need with either behaior therapy or i don't know anymore!!!! i feel like i could bust out criing any minute.. if anyone can help i would really appricate it!!!!! thanks tammy

dear tammy -- 

  

i can't imagine the stress and worry you have for your son.   

  

was there ever a time when his verbal skills began to regress?  does he prefer not looking people in the eye when there is communication taking place? 

  

you said he was fixated on objects at one point.  now that he's in the 3rd grade, does he fixate on one class subject over the others, or one teacher? 

  

did any of the professionals you've consulted suggeste asperger syndrome?  a few years ago, i taught a young man with AS and it was a wonderful experience for us both -- but only because he was correctly diagnosed and treated [his mother was a guidance counselor at the same school, so she had access to many helpful things] -- the school should definitely be able to supply behavioral therapy through the special ed department. 

 

i cut and pasted the following from http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/  as it explains things well and succinctly.  i don't know your son or his situation -- i am just trying to think "outside the box."   

  

Asperger Syndrome or (Asperger's Disorder) is a neurobiological disorder named for a Viennese physician, Hans Asperger, who in 1944 published a paper which described a pattern of behaviors in several young boys who had normal intelligence and language development, but who also exhibited autistic-like behaviors and marked deficiencies in social and communication skills. In spite of the publication of his paper in the 1940's, it wasn't until 1994 that Asperger Syndrome was added to the DSM IV and only in the past few years has AS been recognized by professionals and parents.

Individuals with AS can exhibit a variety of characteristics and the disorder can range from mild to severe. Persons with AS show marked deficiencies in social skills, have difficulties with transitions or changes and prefer sameness. They often have obsessive routines and may be preoccupied with a particular subject of interest. They have a great deal of difficulty reading nonverbal cues (body language) and very often the individual with AS has difficulty determining proper body space. Often overly sensitive to sounds, tastes, smells, and sights, the person with AS may prefer soft clothing, certain foods, and be bothered by sounds or lights no one else seems to hear or see. It's important to remember that the person with AS perceives the world very differently. Therefore, many behaviors that seem odd or unusual are due to those neurological differences and not the result of intentional rudeness or bad behavior, and most certainly not the result of "improper parenting".  

By definition, those with AS have a normal IQ and many individuals (although not all), exhibit exceptional skill or talent in a specific area. Because of their high degree of functionality and their naiveté, those with AS are often viewed as eccentric or odd and can easily become victims of teasing and bullying. While language development seems, on the surface, normal, individuals with AS often have deficits in pragmatics and prosody. Vocabularies may be extraordinarily rich and some children sound like "little professors." However, persons with AS can be extremely literal and have difficulty using language in a social context.  

 

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sometimes a child experiencing difficulties flies just under the radar of the public school systems... and -- just as you've experienced -- the system tries to "cure" children without proper assessments.  why?  it is faster, less expensive,  and generally more convenient. he may well have add/adhd [you mention that he gets fixated on objects -- there is a component of "hyperfocus" in add/adhd].  if that's the case, though, you and HE have options!  you may have to fight like a mother bear... but you do have choices and options. 

  

blessings to you and your son! 

  

prof-de-rien 

  

 

 

First thank you for the objective response. I hope to answer some of your questions. The anger might be due to the fact that it wasnt my blood on that highway. Or that I was not the one taken away in a black bag. Or maybe becuase I have to live this life with the guilt, pain and shame. Wait not live life but merely exist. My life long sentence is a one of emotional torment. Yes, i did serve a sentence which I physically incarcerated, however my mind is always imprisioned. My soul has become null and void of a true love, compassion, truth, and humaine choices. Well today is just another day of mere existance in hope of being able hope to for one more day. Thanks for the kind words and yes may you be blessed and may God give his grace to you and all others.

i am glad you answered!  and again... there would be absolutely no hope for you if you did not suffer as you do -- although you deserve better than to suffer your whole life.  you weren't the person killed and no amount of living as if you were dead can change that.  i think you owe that man, and the people in his life who miss him, a life that is full of action and promise.  grandiose, huh?  everyday, in a small way or in a large way, try touching someone else's life for the better.  allow yourself to feel good about your actions and maybe you'll find you can ultimately feel good about yourself. 

  

i can see and hear all my little buzz words -- glad, happy, hope, action, promise!  if you knew me and my penchant for cussing, you'd be laughing.  i do have this "little goody two-shoes" side to myself that can be a bit strong -- so pardon that. 

  

i don't like to waste my time, bud, and you served the time that society said you owe.  and because you are basically a good person, you suffer every day with the remorse of what happened.  picture the judge and the gavel, hear: "time served..." 

  

hang tough, be real, be kinder, kinder, kinder to yourself and others. 

prof-de-rien 

thank you.. yes that has been said in passing. that is funny you would mention asbergers our youngest son has AS. he was diagonsed about a year ago. and with behavior and occupational help he is doing better than we could have expected. he is more verbal and sometimes will make eye contact. we are very pleased with the outcome so far.. back to mason.. can a child be catigorized with more than one disorder?? because i have been told that he is quite the enigma .. he falls into 4 catigories according to the school . and they don't want to lable him. i guess they don't want to make a dissition?? !! i feel like i am stuck in between everyone.. i started keeping a daily journal of everything that happens to him from sneezing and how he reacts to it to having a huge meltdown .. today he was sent to pricipals office for quiet time and see if they could get his work done with no distractions and the pricipal left for about 5 min. and mason rearranged his office . organize as he said. he can very compalsive about that.. i am at a loss .. and ofcourse the school asked today when we where going to start the meds. ..... i feel very offensive about this . i don't want my son on these drugs. i feel very adiment about this and my husband as well. what do i do now..... i feel like i am floundering . is my son an enigma??? thank you so much... tammy

i don't know anything about the genetic factors that may or may not play into this situation -- but don't you wonder?   

  

absolutely YES, a child can have more than one disorder -- or a "syndrome" that includes the majority of symptoms.   the specialists in today's healthcare system tend to only give credence to their particular corner of the universe.  they plaster patients with their label and then refer them on to another specialist. that's how diagnoses become complicated and have lives of their own!    

  

this happens to me on a regular basis!  in fact, next week i am adding a pulmonologist to my cast of specialists.  i don't care, so long as i have the great care that i get from my internist -- he keeps everything going in a sensible manner and prevents the specialists from getting out ot hand. [what really is a shame is that my internist gets paid a pittance for seeing me longer and working harder on my behalf at every visit -- the specialist just has to breeze in and breeze out and they call that a "consultation" and charge out the wazooh. ka-ching ka-ching!] 

  

do you have a good pediatrician that is dedicated to mason's overall wellbeing?  someone who will respect what you want -- and don't want -- for your son?  if not, i would search for one!  it's one of the best ways to avoid ending up with a new diagnosis at every turn.  you've heard dr. phil talk about the importance of working through a differential diagnosis -- most often, unfortunately, there isn't a motivated health professional at the center of things to do the often difficult work of narrowing things down. i know it's expensive and time consuming -- i hope you have the support of family and friends.  don't be afraid to ask. 

  

if mason fits into 4 categories, as the school claims, why not treat the symptoms until such time as a good diagnosis is made?  the journal you're keeping should be a great help, i bet it will be a source of good information! 

  

what happened in the principal's office seems really important.  it sounds like mason couldn't do his work [for whatever reason] in the classroom... but the physical environment of the principal's office was too unorganized for him.  the young man with AS that i taught a few years ago had rituals and organizational necessities, too.  things that had to be just right or he would go home quite upset.  he could not tolerate music of any kind.  he was not able to join his classmates when we went to the language lab -- something about headsets.  he couldn't work if he had to move to a small group -- not because he was not friendly but because he wanted to stay in his usual spot.  he took off his shoes immediately after sitting at his desk and was disappointed if i didn't make a show of fussing at him to put them back on when class ended. he loved the french language and developed the habit of heading straight for me after the bell, no matter how many others were there waiting their turn, always to ask me if such-'n-such a word was french.  all in all, he was a wonderful student so long as his needs were met.  he was a favorite student for two whole years.  have you talked with all of mason's teachers?  class size is always a huge problem but if you can enlist the support of his teachers and if you can listen with an open mind to their feedback -- well, maybe y'all can find some common ground! 

take care of YOURSELF -- without you, where would these young ones be?  they are lucky to have you. 

prof-de-rien 

This is sort of a long story, but I'll try to make it shorter. 

I just turned 17 years old a few weeks ago, and my mother has been suicidal for years now. I finally had to move in with an aunt after my mother's third nearly-successful suicide attempt. It is far beyond the point that I or anyone in the family could pull her out of anything. I stayed with her even while family memebers were offering for me to stay at their place, because I felt I should take care of her. I cooked for her, cleaned, woke up her every morning, etc. I was making her take care of herself and check her blood sugar and such since she's diabetic. She's been to counselling. She's even been in an in-patient facility for a week...twice.  She doesn't work, so we're on Tenncare, which is the state's free insurance. Since she was not making any progress, they said they won't pay for it anymore. And they don't pay for long-term residential treatment, which is what she needs. 

  

I'm tired of it. I mean, I know it isn't about me, but I have nightmares about her funeral because I know she will be dead soon without some intense, long-term treatment. I call her every day, just to make sure she's alive. I feel sort of guilty for moving out, but I didn't want my mental health to be damaged anymore. She'd always say how I was the problem, when I'd say 'I love you', she'd say 'Yeah right' or 'No you don't'. 

  

She needs help...help that I can't give. I, and my whole family, has tried to talk to her.  I don't want her to die. She's my mom. What can I do? We can't get her in residential treatment, there's no state-run mental hospital, and she won't go to therapists because she always says "They just don't understand", but she says that to everyone. No one understand, she says. But of course, we do, all too well.  

  

I can't let her die. What can I do?