Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

In this day and age I cant help but come to the conclusion that we are all connected one way or another. I dont mean that ina metaphorical way, but in a way that unites the humanity of mankind. I think by becoming involved in these discussions I have become more aware of that. I have a problem with the recieving aspect of support. I have been encouraged by many of the post on this site. I do not feel so much alone in this world to see so, so many people with many different circumstances and I know it is all relevant. Relevant to the fact that we are a living human being with feelings and emotions that someitmes are effected by traggic situations that will forever dictate our well being.

thank you so much for your imput.. and no the school does not want to do anymore until he is diagnosed .. poor mason is stuck in the middle of all this red tape.. and i do agree with you that mason world can not have any part out of wack or he is out of wack... mason too has a thing about wanting to take off his shoes and clothing.. they are very annoing to him.. so inorder to keep all clothing and shoes on at school we make it a treat everyday he is able to come home and strip all his clothing off and walk around withonly his underwear on.. this seems to be working so far. but some days i can tell how his day was if he takes everythings off  or if he only takes off his shirt. he is so original and wounderful .. i try not to snuff out his spirt .. somedays it is very hard... no our peditrician tried to medicate him right off the bat.. so ..... not sure about his ped. will try to make appt. and see if i can get this resolved with him .. if not we will be looking for another ped. and therapist. it took along time getting dale , our youngest son , diagnosed.. i know i am not wrong with dale and i hope i am on the right path with mason . the school is very upset with me right now the counceler , teacher , resourse room teacher and pricipal seem like the only way is to medicate him and my response is offcourse... it is the easy way out ... drug him up , shut him up and put him in a corner. then they won't have to work so hard.. sorry i don't think so.... not my son... but one question i was told that aspberger child can not lie.. is that true.. ??? well thanks for letting me bend your ear.. thank you for all your help and suggestions... tammy

 Hi Nana,
I love the Subject title you wrote in your message.  I feel exactly the same about my dad too!  My dad died suddenly in 2001 and I have never been the same since.  He was my best friend and I always felt so comforted by his words, his hugs and just his presence - so safe.  I miss him terribly, miss his voice, his jokes, his guidance, his love, etc.  The first year of holidays is very hard - even just going shopping for me was very hard - still is - I am SO aware of the fact that I'm not buying anything for him.  Everyone is different, but for me, time does not heal in this instance, things may change, but for me the tremendous void is always there, ever present - I know it's so cliche, but I really do feel that a big part of me went with him.  I have a son and that's who keeps me going - I do up the holidays for him.  It helps to tell stories about my dad to him, it helps keep him alive in a way for me.  I wish you and your family the best and being together for the holidays will be good for you all.

hi -- i read your post soon after you wrote it, hoping that someone could give you some solid support.  i just want you to know that i was very moved by your devotion to your mother.  it is never okay for a child to be a parent and you've been bearing the burden too long -- as you say, you need to keep your own health in check.  sometimes we just have to let go and see what happens.  i find it horrific that tennessee has no inpatient extended care facilities -- so wrong, so wrong. 

  

it seems to me that you have been, and will continue to be, a great daughter to your mom.  it may be that all the help you were giving her caused the state to think she was better off than she really is.  is there a way to get social services to check in on her?  maybe your aunt can talk with united way to see if there are any resources that apply to your mom's situation. 

  

all of us "out here" would like to know how it goes for all of you.  take good care of yourself. 

 

prof-de-rien 

hi tammy -- 

  

bend away, my ears need the practice!  that is a cool question about lying in asperger kids. 

  

my experience is limited -- you are the proper expert.  i found my old notebooks from a class about teaching AS kids in a normal [i hate that word] classroom setting.  there's nothing there about lying, per se... but there is a discussion of 3 things that might be considered lying to US but not to the child. 

  

1)  poor impulse control/general inappropriateness -- we may find statements pure fancy, made up -- but we're not able to always figure out the child's context. 

2)  literal thinking -- these kids have trouble with metaphors, idioms, and any information that is implied. 

3) the ships-passing-in-the-night theory!  asperger's children assume that everyone they talk to is thinking about what they are thinking -- and know the same details about something that they know! 

it's not really lying, it's more like a huge non-intentional frustration for everyone. 

  

i would weigh in, then, to say that they probably are capable of lying but seem to me to be less likely to -- just given the limitations of their disorder.  how is that for hedging my bets? 

  

you sound tired.  if i were to say "get some rest," would you roll on the floor, laughing your ass off??? 

  

take good care, 

prof-de-rien 

impulse controle, literal thinking that may be far from the norm 

It's not that Tennessee has no residential in-patient mental health facilities, it's that there are no *government owned* facilities. In other words, unless you're obscenely rich or have some VERY good health insurance, you can't get into one. I've looked everywhere...called places...everything I could do to find something. There is nothing here. 

She thinks the world owes her a free ride, that society owes her something; that people should take care of her. This is simply not true, especially not at her age (She's only 44). 

She wants to have a car, a nice place to live...but she refuses to get a job and claims she isn't able. So she complains and whines about how horrible her life is when she doesn't have a car and lives in public housing, when in reality, she's lucky she got the public housing, which is next to impossible to get right now. She was lucky she didn't end up on the bad side of town...but the glass is always half empty. 

  

I want to help her, but she needs professional help that I cannot give. I just don't get it...I mean, shouldn't there be *something* out there for the mentally ill? 

Heh, sometimes me and my aunt sort of joke darkly that even Dr. Phil couldn't help my mom. I'm just worried that she can't be helped. And...even though I don't live with her, and I have alot of bad memories with her, I can't let her go. I have nightmares about it, and it simply scares me to death.  

  

Thanks for replying, at least.  I guess my question scares people away...it's a little more dramatic than some, I suppose. 

it is a massive screw-up in this country that the mentally ill [and most drug addicts] must "hit bottom" before getting appropriate treatment.  that is absolutely not the case.  i did case management and taught a basic life skills class at a homeless shelter, in the years before my body collapsed!  one of our criteria for admission was active or chronic illness -- the homeless men that might not be able to handle the cold, for example, or need transportation or an advocate to the hospital.  virtually all of the men were co-morbid -- normally due to a mental illness or a host of other medical issues.  some of the anxiety and depression were short-lived -- having just occured when they found themselves homeless.  in their normal life, they were completely well in terms of mental health. the physical ailments, though, didn't go away. 

  

"obscenely rich or very good health insurance" -- i DO HEAR YOU  when you say you've looked and called everywhere.  maybe it is time for someone else to take over that burden?   

  

some suggestions, though you've probably checked them out.  i found these though a google search directed me to:    

http://www.state.tn.us/mental/crisis.html 

  

  

***how about writing and/or calling commissioner of the dept of mental health and developmental disabilities virginia trotter betts.  

  

***TennCare Partners Advocacy and Information Line
1-800 758-1638
242-7339 (in Nashville) 

The TennCare Bureau contracts with the Mental Health Association of Middle Tennessee to operate this line to provide information on the Partners Program and provide external advocates to help consumers access services.  

  

***DMHDD's Office of Consumer Affairs
1-800 560-5767 

Operated by the Department of Mental Health and Developmental Disabilities to assist consumers in addressing issues and finding their way through the system. Will also help exercise their appeal rights if that course of action is needed 

  

whenever possible, contact and deal with the people "at the top" -- they truly want to solve consumer complaints, for the most part.  a letter to the CEO gets a better [and quicker] response! 

  

with her diabetes, your mother should be categorized as comorbid.  that should pull some weight somehow.  always be sure to mention that. 

  

take care of yourself.  be a teenager, would 'ya? 

  

prof-de-rien 

Thank you for your kind words, it does somehow help to know i am not alone,and i realize that if life takes the path it is supposed to, we will all feel the pain of losing our parents. Its one of the things in this life we all have in common. I used to wonder how people deal with the lose of one or both of their parents, i guess i am coming to realize that you have to keep on going as hard as it is sometimes, and i feel like no matter how old i am physically when i think of my father i am still a child inside,and i will always miss the comfort of knowing that he was there for me no matter what. I am 41 and still going through some tough times in my life, and i so much need him right now. But i guess i have to figure things out for myself, and i know someday i will. I just though of something that happened a few months ago and i thought  i would share it ... i was at my moms and i starting crying, because its so hard to be there without him, and my mother said you have to let him go, and i so wanted to scream at her and say...how do i do that mom ... i really don't now, but i didn't i dried my eyes and came to realize that maybe me being so upset around her made it harder on her, so now i keep the pain inside so no one can see. i am not sure if thats the right thing to do or not,but for now thats what i do.... and thanks again for sharing your kind words with me..and have a Merry Christmas !!

THANK YOU , THANK YOU and THANK YOU.. I finally took the bull by to horns.. we found a doctor that finally listens.. and take us seriously. we went to doctors and she spent 2.5 hours with mason had him draw , play games and look over the journal. she is not real sure how to "label" him as of yet but she did say the same thing as you. AS children can infact "lie" it is out of the "normal" sence but they can . she has never seen one as of yet either. so she really was intrigued by mason. she did say he is quite the ENIGMA.... he is in all the gray areas. she says she will research more and gave me somethings to read over. she says as of right now he is more generlized anxiaty disorder and disagrees with adhd. she said that he is so amazing and his pictures tell a wounderful story of his world. he sees things so differently the the average( not sure what average is anymore) she would like to see the report from behavoir specialist.. she thinks that is a perfect start.... and so do i . your humor is what i needed!!! and yes i would fall on the floor laughing hysterically.... not sure if it is the lack of sleep or just plain slap happy but for what it is worth very funny...... thank you for giving me the support when i needed it ... thank you for giving me courage for myself and for my son... i am sure i will be sending you info on mason in the coming few weeks as we get it. have an extordiary holiday!!!!!!! tammy

that's great, tammy.  i have a big grin on.  it sounds like you hit the jackpot with this doctor.  it's weird how sometimes the help is right around the corner -- why must it always be when we are so bleeping tired!  well, the one thing that is crystal clear:  your son is an official enigma!  you know, one day he is going to know all that you went through, and will go through,  to help him on his way -- and he is going to appreciate you.  keep the faith!  prof-de-rien