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Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

Number of Replies: 845
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:08:39 am
Author : dataimport
What is the best way to support those you love who are coping with depression or grieving a loss? Post your tips and share support with others.

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September 2, 2005, 5:55 pm CDT

I could use help for a friend

 Wondering if anyone can help ? Maybe someones been in same situation and can help. I have a friend that has been coming to me for answers, and a shoulder to cry on. Here's my friends dilema, It's a long story so I'll try and shorten it up. His wife is a crack addict. She has been selling stuff out of house most anything worth anything. She has what I believe to have put the 2 children in danger, has them in car when she's high leaving them with others at a bar and so on. She told him she has now been cheating and had sexual encounters for drugs. He is the soul provider, she is home with the kids she has also wrote bad checks stole money. He is afraid everyday to go to work not knowing what he might come home to that day. He came home today to find her around town with another drug user or dealer that admitted to him to giving her drugs. Here he has no family and all of 2 friends here in N.Y.. He doesn't know where to turn for help with her. He worries about care for his children if he reports his wife. He doesn't want to lose his good job on account of her mistakes. He's worried about providing a home for his children and taking them away from their mother, and being resented by his children for it. My problem today is he asked me today " O.k. where do I start then If I decide to take action where do I turn to?"I was at a loss. He's contacted a lawyer and was told if he left home it would be considered abondonment. If he turns her into authorities how does he take care of children without losing his job. He is really worrying me with his depression. He's really at a loss for where to turn and what to do from here. Any suggestions would be helpful and greatly appreciated. He loves his wife and wants her to get help but she refuses any. So how does he carry on ? Is there an organization where he can get help or some answers..?
 
September 3, 2005, 9:15 am CDT


Quote From: noidman

 Wondering if anyone can help ? Maybe someones been in same situation and can help. I have a friend that has been coming to me for answers, and a shoulder to cry on. Here's my friends dilema, It's a long story so I'll try and shorten it up. His wife is a crack addict. She has been selling stuff out of house most anything worth anything. She has what I believe to have put the 2 children in danger, has them in car when she's high leaving them with others at a bar and so on. She told him she has now been cheating and had sexual encounters for drugs. He is the soul provider, she is home with the kids she has also wrote bad checks stole money. He is afraid everyday to go to work not knowing what he might come home to that day. He came home today to find her around town with another drug user or dealer that admitted to him to giving her drugs. Here he has no family and all of 2 friends here in N.Y.. He doesn't know where to turn for help with her. He worries about care for his children if he reports his wife. He doesn't want to lose his good job on account of her mistakes. He's worried about providing a home for his children and taking them away from their mother, and being resented by his children for it. My problem today is he asked me today " O.k. where do I start then If I decide to take action where do I turn to?"I was at a loss. He's contacted a lawyer and was told if he left home it would be considered abondonment. If he turns her into authorities how does he take care of children without losing his job. He is really worrying me with his depression. He's really at a loss for where to turn and what to do from here. Any suggestions would be helpful and greatly appreciated. He loves his wife and wants her to get help but she refuses any. So how does he carry on ? Is there an organization where he can get help or some answers..?

I was in a similar situation, but it was my ex-husband who had the problems. I tried everything, but nothing seemed to work. Her husband can't make her get help, she first has to acknowledge that she has a problem and then she will be able to get help. If he continues to stay with her then he is enabling her. Those kids should be his number one priority, because if something happens to those kids while they are still together the authorities and child protective services will be looking at him as well because he is allowing this stuff to go on his house. Have him look for support groups in his area, if he has health insurance, then have him get in contact with a therapist, they can even help him in getting support and help in other areas. I know the thought of him leaving her and he supporting those kids on his own may be very scary, but it can be done.  

  

 
September 4, 2005, 8:07 am CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: 062ctbnd

   Almost 20 yrs. ago now I was with a guy; he was not perfect but we were dating for about 5 yrs. I say he was not perfect because he drank a lot but wasn't mean or anything. A lot happened while we were together and I knew he wasn't going to change, but I needed a change in my life.   

   

   I signed up to go into the military and before I left I promised to keep in touch; he didn't want me to go because he was afraid I would marry someone else and he'd never see me again.  

I never did write to him, I think because I was enjoying being out in the world so much. I also met another guy and I eventually married him; we've been married for about 17 yrs. and have a teen aged son.  

   

   I lost track of that guy from almost twenty years ago until just this past weekend. I now know where he lives so I have an address and phone number. Now I find myself thinking about him a lot and wondering how he's doing...the thing is, I pretty much left him high and dry all those years ago and I don't know if he would even want to hear from me now. Also, I don't know if he's married now or what, and I know I don't want to interfere with whatever relationship he may have going right now.  

   

   Should I write to him or call to see how he's doing? I have no intention of going back to him as I have a family and a good job where I am, and I don't want to mess up his family if he has one, but I feel as though I need to know how he's doing and apologize for what I've done.  

   

   As for his drinking, yes, I think he's still at it. I saw in the newspaper on the internet where he was arrested for DUI three yrs. ago. After all this time he's not going to quit till he's good and ready.  

I can understand what you're going through.  I also found out where my first love was living and thought about contacting him.  I too thought I should apologize about how I ended our relationship.  When I first found out where he was living it stirred up a lot of old feelings.  I put off contacting him thinking it was not a good idea to do anything when I was feeling so emotional.   

    

Thank goodness.  After much thought I finally decided not to contact him.  No point going back in the future.  I am thankful for the love and happiness I have with my family now.  Contacting an old love just isn't worth risking everything I have.   

      

I let go of my guilt feelings about how I ended the relationship, and decided that there was no point feeling guilty about something that happened 25 years ago.  I moved on a long time ago and if he didn't then its his responsibity, not mine.  

    

I wish you the best in whatever choice you make.  

       

 
September 4, 2005, 5:37 pm CDT

Grieving the loss of my mother still who passed away in 2003

Please prayer for me, you and all. IF you are like me and your prayers for others often seem answered more than your prayers for you, you are welcome to visit my Prayer Chain Board... I will pray for whoever does as, hopefully, will others who stop by I'm certain. My prayers seem to work better for others than myself...so please pray for me and visit "A Prayer Chain" soon so I can pray for you and so we build the biggest and most spiritually powerful cyber prayer chain here on:

www.drphil.com/messageboard/topic/451
 
September 5, 2005, 12:50 pm CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: mlentini

Hi, my name is Marcie, and I live in Arizona. Earlier this year in March, my 6 year old daughter, Catie, was kidnapped by her biological father and taken to Mexico. They were gone for a month, and it was the worst month of my entire life. Thankfully, my daughter was found and returned to me, and her father was arrested and put in jail. I have been dealing with the stress of his criminal case since he was arrested. Just a few weeks ago he was released from jail, and now I am living in fear for my life as well as my daughters. During his trial he accepted a plea agreement of probation with a no contact order with myself and his daughter. When sentencing day came the judge ordered that he do an additional 30 days in jail, he would be on 3 years of supervised probation, he would have to attend domestic violence and anger management counseling and also submit to mental health counseling. Since his release from jail he has said numerous times that he will not comply with probation and that he will do whatever it takes to see his daughter and when he does see her noone will know about it. He has made numerous threats to me about ending my life and taking my daugter again and making sure that they won't be found. He is very violent and controlling. He has also said in court and in investigative reports that he will kill me. I have stressed to the legal system the severity of this case and the fears and concerns I have, but I feel like i am running into a brick wall everytime. I have no idea what more I can do or say to to get someone to listen to me. About the only people that believe he will carry through with these threats are my family, my attorney and the detective that arrested him.  

If anyone can help me out the support and advice it would be greatly appreciated.   

I live in Ohio, but there has to be a victem's advocate available to you through the local aduse shelter.  In this area, they will not only back you in the court system, but also set up arrangements to set you up with a new place to live and help get you established in the new area.  

Please call the victem's hot-line in your phone book and ask to be connected to a local agency.   

Also, something my attorney told me is our "Protection Orders" are still only a piece of paper.  We need to take every precaution on our own.  My restraining order didn't keep me from being held hostage in my own house, with my daughter sleeping upstairs.    

Trust your gut on this and keep your self safe. 

My hope is that you get the help you and your daughter deserve.  Bless you both. 

  

 
September 8, 2005, 6:54 am CDT

ON-LINE SUPPORT GROUP

Hi,     

     

I am relatively new to the message boards.  I have not been on this board before.  My wife and daughter both suffered from manic depression (Bipolar Disorder)  and my son has just recovered from generalized anxiety disorder after suffering for over 40 years.  I have studied both mental illness and anxiety treatments for over 5 years attempting to weed out fact from fiction with regard to treatment options.  I believe I have solved the anxiety mystery, but have a lot of questions about bipolar disorder treatment.   I would like to set up an on-line support group for people suffering from anxiety disorders and mental illness.  I have attended local support groups for both bipolar disorder and anxiety disorders and have found them very helpful.  If interested e-mail me at: rowdens@shaw.ca     Pat (User name pinetree)    

 
September 10, 2005, 7:59 pm CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: mlentini

Hi, my name is Marcie, and I live in Arizona. Earlier this year in March, my 6 year old daughter, Catie, was kidnapped by her biological father and taken to Mexico. They were gone for a month, and it was the worst month of my entire life. Thankfully, my daughter was found and returned to me, and her father was arrested and put in jail. I have been dealing with the stress of his criminal case since he was arrested. Just a few weeks ago he was released from jail, and now I am living in fear for my life as well as my daughters. During his trial he accepted a plea agreement of probation with a no contact order with myself and his daughter. When sentencing day came the judge ordered that he do an additional 30 days in jail, he would be on 3 years of supervised probation, he would have to attend domestic violence and anger management counseling and also submit to mental health counseling. Since his release from jail he has said numerous times that he will not comply with probation and that he will do whatever it takes to see his daughter and when he does see her noone will know about it. He has made numerous threats to me about ending my life and taking my daugter again and making sure that they won't be found. He is very violent and controlling. He has also said in court and in investigative reports that he will kill me. I have stressed to the legal system the severity of this case and the fears and concerns I have, but I feel like i am running into a brick wall everytime. I have no idea what more I can do or say to to get someone to listen to me. About the only people that believe he will carry through with these threats are my family, my attorney and the detective that arrested him.  

If anyone can help me out the support and advice it would be greatly appreciated.   

Hello Marcie,  

   

Your State Victims of Crime program should be able to help you.  They have counselors and advocates for victims of crime and their families.   I pray for the safety of you and your daughter.  

 
September 10, 2005, 10:48 pm CDT

Angry Friend Harms Self

I have a very close relationship with an ex-boyfriend - "Mike" - who is now, actually my best friend.  We've both had troubles with depression, but whereas I've been pursuing treatments for years (successfully! :) he refuses to get help.  I am in Northern California and he moved to Southern California about a year ago.  

   

Things came to a head last night while I was at work.  He was punching the walls banging his head on things. Finally, he smashed his head so hard against the cabinet door that he damaged the door and scraped the top of his head, which was bleeding. (No need to stitches, but it was definitely painful).  

   

I work retail and had half an hour left before closing.  No one was in the store, and Mike had me so scared, I closed the store early and talked with him on the phone. (I won't ever close the store early again like that for him - it was unprofessional, and I felt a bit manipulated).  

   

When we got off the phone, I called his mother who is also in Northern California, and lives about forty-five minutes away from me.  Mike has had mental troubles in the past, and about every year or two he'll have a really bad episode where he'll do the banging his head thing - throwing things, etc.  He doesn't hit or punch anyone: it's all about harming himself.  

   

The main reason I'm writing this is although Mike seems to genuinely want to hurt himself, I know he is also doing this for the attention.  I think he thinks I won't take him seriously if there is not something dramatic going on.  He's told me in the past he's fantasized about killing people - I don't think he'd actually do this, but the line between shocking me/getting my attention/venting is becoming blurred.  

   

His mom wasn't very helpful, actually.  She mentioned the bit about him wanting attention, and about how he's always been like this, and she thought he'd grow out of it.  (Mike and I are both approx. 30 years old).  She told him to tell me he has three options:   

   

1) go back on medication (apparently he was on it once, but he didn't like it - as it is, he's VERY opposed to taking medication, although I have had good luck with it)  

   

2) get therapy  

   

3) be institutionalized  

   

Mike is a lawyer and is very smart, funny, and engaging.  Obviously, though, he has a lot of problems.  I don't want to slide into a co-dependent thing with him.  The main problem is I don't know how to help him; actually, I think it's more that I know I can't help him, but what am I supposed to do when he calls and tells me he wants to kill his landlord (he says this not in the casual way some people do when they're angry but don't ever mean it) or shoot himself or he's been banging his head on the wall again?  

   

Thanks for reading this super-long post: I would greatly appreciate advice; I'm sure he'll want to talk tonight.  

   

   

Best,  

   

Liz  

 
September 11, 2005, 6:53 am CDT

Since I posted

Quote From: doldfie

I can understand what you're going through.  I also found out where my first love was living and thought about contacting him.  I too thought I should apologize about how I ended our relationship.  When I first found out where he was living it stirred up a lot of old feelings.  I put off contacting him thinking it was not a good idea to do anything when I was feeling so emotional.   

    

Thank goodness.  After much thought I finally decided not to contact him.  No point going back in the future.  I am thankful for the love and happiness I have with my family now.  Contacting an old love just isn't worth risking everything I have.   

      

I let go of my guilt feelings about how I ended the relationship, and decided that there was no point feeling guilty about something that happened 25 years ago.  I moved on a long time ago and if he didn't then its his responsibity, not mine.  

    

I wish you the best in whatever choice you make.  

       

I found out that he did get married, had at least one child, a rocky marriage and has divorced. He's still drinking, got in trouble for being abusive to his wife, had to go to court for child support, and now he's up and disappeared because he doesn't want to pay support for his daughter. What a winner, huh? I could have had all that. Whatever problems I have with my husband now seem minor to what this guy's ex must have gone through with him.
 
September 14, 2005, 1:46 pm CDT

LOST

I'M A 30 YR OLD FEMALE W/ 2 CHILDREN.I'VE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP W/ THE SAME MAN FOR 14YRS..SEPT. 20,2005. HE CHEATED ON ME IN 1997 AND IN 2003. 2 DIFFERENT WOMAN. THE MOST RECENT WAS IN 2003 W/ A FEMALE CO-WORKER.I WAS DEVASTATED, TO SAY THE LEAST. IT HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED WHO I WAS....I'M NOT HAPPY ANYMORE. EVERYDAY HE GOES TO WORK AND EVERYDAY I'M SICK. I REALLY NEED SOME SUPPORT  AND INPUT ON THIS ISSUE...I STILL THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME AND I JUST WANT TO GET BACK TO SOME SORT OF NORMAL LIFE AGAIN.
 
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