Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

 Hi I'm Kaylie, and I'm new to the boards.  I mainly joined today because I'm really under a lot of stress, and there's not really anyone who I can turn to.  My problem is this: I've been involved with my current boyfriend for about four years and at the beginning of this year moved all the way from Alabama to Michigan to be with him. We've lived together for eight months and are talking about marriage, but we keep arguing about certain things that really make me question whether or not I should be in this relationship at all.

Before I moved here, I lived with my parents and they wouldn't allow me to do chores or really help out around the house.  I had a job and felt guilty for not helping around the house, but my parents just never taught me or let me help out.  I still didn't even know how to do laundry when I first moved to Michigan.  I wasn't used to keeping a house.  But my boyfriend is a very neat person, and after the first few weeks I was here, instead of talking to me or telling me how he wanted me to take care of the house while he was at work, we got into a huge argument about it and he told me he wasn't sure if he even wanted me here anymore.   Fast forward a few weeks.  I finally buckle down, learn how to do laundry, wash dishes, clean toilets, vacuum, do all the household cores basically.  But then we started having money troubles and my boyfriend got into several arguments with me about me not having a job, accusing me of not wanting or not trying hard enough to get a job.  After a long time of searching, I finally get a part-time job.  Things are fine for a while.  Then he has a problem with the way I eat, saying I eat too much, and I weigh too much.  I am overweight, and it was always a big source of anxiety with me and my boyfriend, because I knew all of his previous girlfriends had been very small.  I tried losing weight, but all our arguments and stress from work either made me eat too much or not feel like exercising.  I had an eating disorder in my early teenage years, and it started up again.  I had to hide it from my boyfriend because I knew he would get angry about it if he found out.

After he criticised my weight and my weight loss efforts, he started criticizing the way I dress.  We stopped being intimate and I started to feel really depressed and undesireable.  When I asked him why, he replied that it was because I don't wear make-up or get dressed the way he likes as much anymore.  He told me the only way he could be sexually attracted to me was if I were wearing make-up and dressed sexily, and then didn't understand and got angry at me when I got upset upon hearing this.

Our next arguement was that he knew I wasn't happy with my current job, and was encouraging me to find a new one.  When I told him not to worry and that I was finally getting used to my new job, he got very upset and told me that I always give up without trying, and I should get a better job because he's tired of being the only one who paid the bills.  I'm still looking for a better job.

He also told me that I've lost one of his favorite things about me: my passion and determination to be a great artist.  He says I don't appear to care about anything anymore, that I'm just a defeated zombie.  I know there is some truth to that, because I live in fear of upsetting him, and I feel like he doesn't value me or support me emotionally.  I've given up on a lot of my dreams so that I can pay bills and devote myself full-time to making him happy.  I feel dead inside sometimes.

Our most recent and one of the worst arguements ever started last night.  I started missing my friends in Alabama, and told him in the hopes that he would comfort me and be my soft place to fall at the end of a hard day.  Instead he got angry, taking me missing my friends as me not being happy with him, and stormed out of the room.  We had a long discussion, and I confronted him with all the things I've changed in order to try and make him happy, but whenever I mention all I've done for him he always says "What? What have you done?"  Like I'm no different than I was eight months ago.  Then when I point out the things I need from him, he just waves me off and says I'm trying to change him.  He gets really childish and immature and never wants to listen to me.  When I told him that all I wanted was someone to not get angry when I'm upset, and to be my soft place to fall when I need it, he just said that I expect too much and I want the moon and the stars, and he takes care of me in ever other way, which he does. But what good is being taken care of physically and materially when you're emotionally starving?

We still haven't resolved this argument.  He called me from work today and we just ended up arguing some more.  He just doesn't care about how I feel on this topic.  He says I'm too needy and I depend on him too much, and I should just handle my own problems like he does.  Then what is the point of even being in a relationship if you can't support each other?  I know my boyfriend has anger issues.  His father was an alcoholic and abused him when he was a teenager, and then suddenly died.  My boyfriend never got a chance to make peace with his father.  He never reacts to anything by being sad or hurt or any other negative emotion; it's always just anger.  He's either happy or angry, there's never anything in between.  He's not abusive or violent, and I know it's important to him to not be like his father, and he hates being angry, but he just doesn't have any idea how to control it.  But at the same time, he refuses help.  I know I've only been talking about the bad things, but please understand, he is a wonderful person.  I'm not defending him.  I know at times the way he treats me and the things he says are completely unacceptable.  But I also know he loves me very much and he's a very sensitive, loving person.  He's just brutally honest and callous sometimes and doesn't know how to go about saying things sometimes, and he doesn't know how to control his anger.  He's my best friend and he makes me so happy in a lot of ways.  I want our relationship to work.  But the things that have been going on lately have really made me doubt.

He's made it very clear to me that he doesn't want to compromise on anything for me, like I've done so much for him.  If that's the case, I just have to end it now because I can't take anymore.  But if there's a way to work through this, then I want to.  I don't believe in giving up on things so easily.  Anyway, thank you for reading all of this.  It really means the world to me that someone somewhere out there cares.

~Kaylie

i am in such a bad state, mentally.  i am a 65 year old who feels like a helpless 7 year old.  i am afraid of any issue that comes my way; real or imagined.  i am impossible for my husband to get along with.  i'm driving him crazy.  my pain of loss and moving and hanging in there after our total loss of home and all belongings is just terrible.  i feel incapable of interacting with any one in a healthy way.  i hurt so bad inside that i can hardly take the pain.  i want to take a pill and go to sleep until the pain is over.  i've always wanted to be strong and sometimes, i can do that but i've always been accused by my brothers as overly emotional, stupid and i know that i say things that are just disgustingly stupid.  those things are all true of me.  i am overly emotional and stupid (ignorant) and say stupid things.  i am taking wellbutrin and klonopin.  i am taking klonopin for ocd which is the only thing that has helped me with tricoltilimania since i was 9 years old.  the wellbutrin enabled me to stop smoking and 6-8 months ago; and also helps with the depression.  because we are moving so much since our loss in pensacola; i am not seeing my psychiatrist of 10 years or any one else.  i am almost immobilized, physically, mentally and emotionally.  certain spiritually. 

Hi. You know what? I read this and my heart went out to you and I thought I have to say something to help this poor woman. I feel saddened by your post.  I think the first thing you have to do is to contact ANY clinical psychologist or someone who will listen and can help you professionally because right now I feel you are in a very desperate state...you really need someone to talk to even though you may have to switch from psychologist to psychologist as you move. I'm very concerned from many of the things you have said. Also, don't forget to contact any of your 800 numbers that can assist you when you are feeling the need to take things too far. I know that sometimes medicines simply stop working. I used to be on anti-depressants and I would start feeling really low and I realized I needed a different medicine. Maybe that's what you need.  

 

Another issue I would like to bring up is how you are running yourself down. You have to realize that the problem lies with your brothers saying things to try to bring you down. You are not stupid. You spell really well and you speak intelligently through here so I know you aren't stupid. The more you say things like that about  yourself , the more you will believe it. Change the way you think. Say..enough of this...my brothers were being verbally abusive when they said that. I am not stupid! I hope this helps in some way. Please let us know how you are doing. I'll say a prayer for you. 

 

Jamrod 

 

You need to think about what you want and desire out of life and what makes you happy. I know that you care for this guy and maybe he cares for you but e is emotionally and mentally abusing you and if you stay with him it will not get better. The only way it even has a chance of getting better is for you to stand up for your slef and if you cannot vocally do this then sit down and write hime a letter. Tell him how you feel and why, remind him of everything that you have done to change your ways to make him happy, let him know how trying to please him and getting no where is drainign you and you can no longer take it any more. I would suggest that you find a nother place to stay and figure out what it is that you want in life and even in a mate, does he fit the criteria of what you want in a husabnd and the father of your children. Be real with your self, sometimes we have to let love go to achieve what it is that we want in life, to be happy, I mean REAL happiness. You shouldn't have to stress out trying to be what HE wants you to be, strive for your own goals and what it is that you are meant to be. And if he decides that he wants things to be different then he needs to work at it as well, set the boundaries and don't let him degrade you and manipulate you into thinking that oyu are a nobody, sounds to me like this is what he is doing and maybe it does stm from his childhood and i fthat is the case then he needs to get some professional help in dealing wiotht he issues and learning to love and respect, he sounds controlling and will never be happy in a relationship til he works on himself. You have to take care of you and you deserve to be loved and respected for who you are and you should not have to try to fit a mold that you are not. Have some faith in yourslef and get out and allow your slef to be you, you are not a puppet but a human being, a lady who desrves so much more then what you are receiving.

Kaylie, I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. I would like to start off by saying that it's important to recognize that what you are going through IS abuse. Abuse comes in all forms and regardless of whether he has good qualites or not, it is what it is and his goodness can never coat the damage abuse can do. It appears you  are locked into a pattern of pleasing him. This concerns me because you can easily completely lose who you are in doing this. I don't want to see that happen. I am so glad he has shown you this side of him "before"  marriage. Most wait until they are sure you are theirs before they show this sort of control.  

 

I almost hated to type that because I know how badly you want this to work, and I am not saying it won't or it can't , but I really think that he needs to seek some sort of help for his problem with control for this to get better. If he didn't agree to his own therapy, maybe couple therapy? I just hate to see you get into a mess. You really do deserve to be treated well and I hope the best for you. Good luck. 

 

jamrod 

I'VE BEEN COMING UP EMPTY I NEED SERIOUS HELP! 

MY DOMESTIC PARTNER HAS A HUGH BOUT WITH DEPRESSION,I KEEP COMING UP EMPTY WITH THINGS TO HELP HER WITH . I NEED A SUPPORT GROUP THAT I CAN ATTEND IN PLANTATION FLORIDA MY FUNDS ARE LIMITED CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME I'VE SENT DIFFERENT E-MAILS TO DIFFERENT ORGANIZATIONS STILL COME UP EMPTY PLEASE HELP ME I BEG OF YOU. 

GELEESUNFLOWERS@AOL.COM 

hi I am verry sorry, I know you want this relation to work, if you leve him , you are not goin to be happy, because you are not ready,  the key is do you love him or do you need him, remember all the good that you have to offer you learn house work, you got a job, you putting up with his moodswings, no no no you deserve more, the first think is to accept your self, you have to respect your self, first before any body, wen you learn to love your self, you won't any abuse any more, do things that make you happy,  ok I got to go ok ,,,,,,,,good luck,,

On August 19th 2005 my daughter and her best friend were in an auto accident. My daughter was driving, they were on their way to her friend's house to spend the night. A deer ran into the path of the VW Beetle and it was t-boned by a SUV in the passengers side. My daughter's best friend was killed instantly. My daughter was flown to a tramua hospital and is physically doing well. However the Survivors Grief is ripping our family apart. In the beginning the family of her best friend were here and very comforting and supportive. Now they refuse to return my daughter's pleas to visit with them left on voice mails. No communication at all. My daughter is suffering from the loss of someone she loved with all her heart and is grieving in a way words cannot express and this is making it all harder. As a mother I do not know what to do to make things better. I have her in couseling and we are a spiritual family who have a lot of faith but days like today make me just want to give up. Understanding this is NOT an option I am lost... I have spent the entire day in bed, crying uncontrollably. I would give anything if I could have given my life for this beautiful high spirited young woman but that was not God's plan. I am at the point that I am getting confused as to what this plan could possibly be? Does anyone have any advise that might be helpful to me? 

 

 

I am not certain how it works in Florida however I feel it would be very worth while to spend a little time an investigate your local State Mental Health Department. With limited funds your state should have some programs to help you and your partner with her depression. Here our Mental Health Department is in with Department of Social Services. Get your phone book out and call anyone that may be affilated with these offices and ask for urgent assistance. They have medical staff ranging from Psychitrist to Psycologist. I think this would be a real good place to get started with a huge bout of depression on low budgets, These places also set up support groups......