Message Boards

Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

Number of Replies: 845
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:08:39 am
Author : dataimport
What is the best way to support those you love who are coping with depression or grieving a loss? Post your tips and share support with others.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

May 8, 2007, 5:57 pm CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: oobiecat

My best friend is suffering from Depression. She's admitted that she's suicidal and has hurt herself in the past. She's been on medication but she didn't like the side effects and refuses to go back on them, but she also says she can't control her moods herself.

She's quiet and withdrawn most of the time, but occasionally has really extreme highs before a big low. I've talked to her, I've listened, I've tried to help her see that there are so many positive things she has in her life, I've tried to help her understand that she's feeding herself such negative thoughts about her body and her life that it's no wonder she feels bad, I've suggested we go on a diet together because we both want to lose weight, I've tried the straight talking approach, the loving approach, the joking around to lighten the mood, but she says no to everything, clams up, makes excuses about how she's tried but can't and how stupid she is, I can actually physically see her focusing on how bad she feels and wallowing in this darkness that surrounds her.

I've even given her links to this website and the "self matters" section, but her response was just "thanks but I don't do Dr. Phil".... I'm so close to just throwing up my hands and leaving her to it but I just want to get my wonderfully funny friend back, I feel like I have a responsibility as her friend to help her, I just don't know how.

Any advice would be appreciated.
Tell your friend that there's way too much beauty to quit. Believe me, I've tried to off myself a few times. But it's not worth it in the long run. She needs to see that she's worth everything, and how much you care. Just keep your eye out for her and don't give up. It'll make her feel like you abandoned her. Just keep reminding her how special she is, and help her work through it. Hang in there!
 
May 10, 2007, 12:56 pm CDT

I need support

A couple of years ago my father died.  HIs whole body was wracked with cancer and he was in a great deal of pain. His wish was to die at home and with my mothers agreement I tried to make that happen.  In the end I had to place him in the hospital for his own safety as my mother was physically and mentally abusing him when the nurses would go home.  At other times she would refuse the help at the door and no one knew that she was actually abusing him.  (just my husband and I and we could not be there with him 24/7 to watch him) As a matter of fact my mother was and STILL is getting comments on what a wondeful job she did with my dad, how great she was, how difficult that must have been for her etc. My issues are that he did not get his dying wish and she is walking around like some saint when really she was so horrible to my Dad.  I really wish people could know what really happened.  How do I deal with this because I sure as heck can't tell everyone what she was really like.  I have told only one very close friend and she has no idea how to help me.  but as surely as the day is long this is eating away at me.  To make matters worse my husband and I now have to do alot for my mother and I am feeling huge resentment for what she did
 
May 10, 2007, 12:59 pm CDT

I need support

A couple of years ago my father died.  HIs whole body was wracked with cancer and he was in a great deal of pain. His wish was to die at home and with my mothers agreement I tried to make that happen.  In the end I had to place him in the hospital for his own safety as my mother was physically and mentally abusing him when the nurses would go home.  At other times she would refuse the help at the door and no one knew that she was actually abusing him.  (just my husband and I and we could not be there with him 24/7 to watch him) As a matter of fact my mother was and STILL is getting comments on what a wondeful job she did with my dad, how great she was, how difficult that must have been for her etc. My issues are that he did not get his dying wish and she is walking around like some saint when really she was so horrible to my Dad.  I really wish people could know what really happened.  How do I deal with this because I sure as heck can't tell everyone what she was really like.  I have told only one very close friend and she has no idea how to help me.  but as surely as the day is long this is eating away at me.  To make matters worse my husband and I now have to do alot for my mother and I am feeling huge resentment for what she did
 
May 10, 2007, 5:36 pm CDT

The BEST way to give and receive support is...

...to NOT give up!!  Not give up on them or on yourself. That's ALL you have to do.  Well, that's the first step.  The next step is to GET ACTIVE.  Sitting there wishing and waiting for something to somehow change or someone to come help you...I spent years doing this, and I gotta tell you, IT NEVER HAPPENED.  You probably do not want to hear this, but the fact is that NOTHING is going to change, at least not for the better, until YOU YOURSELF get yourself up and out the door or pick up the phone to do what you have to do to improve your life.  YOU make the changes YOU want.  Nobody can or should do it for you.  It's YOUR life, isnt it?  Would you want to be responsible for someone else's life?  I sure wouldnt.  Yet this is what I use to expect others to do FOR ME.  And if things didnt go MY way, I got all pissed off..well what else can you expect when other people are running your life?  I used to have some rather serious mental illnesses...I say USED to...now, they are mild to moderate.  Ive been in and out of mental hospitals more times then I care to remember, and some I wish I could forget.  Tried suicide several times.   Ive been on about every psych med in creation, most did absolutely NOTHING at all (for a long time I was convinced they were feeding me sugar pills or something).  Ive been through several ECT shock therapy treatments.  Been through countless number of psychiatrists and therapists, each trying everything they could think of with me.  This has all been going on for the past 20 YEARS!!  And I tell you, it's only been during this past year that Ive been able to make any kind of improvement on my life.  What did I do?  I quit WAITING and WISHING for someone or something to help me.  I quit the medications (NOT recommended without the approval of your psychiatrist, btw!!)  Quit reading all the "self-help" books (sorry, Dr Phil), quit spending endless hours in those support chat rooms (which really only depressed me more, quite honestly), and just quit looking for miricles.  I even quit seeing a therapist I'd been seeing for over THREE years, because I finally realized she was doing more harm than good judging by the way I felt after leaving her office every week.  What I DID do was get my butt out the door and got myself a JOB (which the first month of I swear I thought I was going to have a nervous break down...but I kept pushing myself out the door to work everyday anyways and I'm happy to say I'm still with the same job a year and a half later and doing fine).  I also got with another therapist (yes, yet ANOTHER one)...but this one is different.  I first met her via my previous  therapist in a group she used to run, so for a few months I was able to "observe" this new therapist, and decided I liked her approach, even though she scared the crap out of me sometimes because she was so direct...but that's what I need.  Even with the tough stuff, she is 100 percent right there with me, where previous therapist would back away or change the subject or get intimidated with things I'd say. My current therapist does know when to ease off the accelerator though sometimes, which is necessary.   However, even this therapist would not be able to help me ONE LITTLE BIT unless I MYSELF wanted and welcomed the help and honestly believed she was there to help me.  But as she often has told me, I have to take the lead, she is only there to keep me on track, keep me focused.  She is only my guide, not my leader, in my journey.  She does not tell me what to do and is not there to punish when don't do it. 

OK....I could go  on and on here.  Suffice to say that it was only when *I* took control of my life and my emotions and my environment that it became possible for real positive change to occur.  Remember the old saying "if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen"...it's entirely up to  you.  You have choices in this world.  It may not seem like it sometimes, but it is definately true.  EVERYthing you do it this life is a choice.  You chose to believe or not, choose to react one way or another, choose to go left or right, choose to approach or withdraw, choose to fight or flee......your life, your choices.  And if you chose to read my post to the end here, I thank you for your time.  Enjoy your choices.

 
May 10, 2007, 7:30 pm CDT

Good for you

Quote From: lauranator

...to NOT give up!!  Not give up on them or on yourself. That's ALL you have to do.  Well, that's the first step.  The next step is to GET ACTIVE.  Sitting there wishing and waiting for something to somehow change or someone to come help you...I spent years doing this, and I gotta tell you, IT NEVER HAPPENED.  You probably do not want to hear this, but the fact is that NOTHING is going to change, at least not for the better, until YOU YOURSELF get yourself up and out the door or pick up the phone to do what you have to do to improve your life.  YOU make the changes YOU want.  Nobody can or should do it for you.  It's YOUR life, isnt it?  Would you want to be responsible for someone else's life?  I sure wouldnt.  Yet this is what I use to expect others to do FOR ME.  And if things didnt go MY way, I got all pissed off..well what else can you expect when other people are running your life?  I used to have some rather serious mental illnesses...I say USED to...now, they are mild to moderate.  Ive been in and out of mental hospitals more times then I care to remember, and some I wish I could forget.  Tried suicide several times.   Ive been on about every psych med in creation, most did absolutely NOTHING at all (for a long time I was convinced they were feeding me sugar pills or something).  Ive been through several ECT shock therapy treatments.  Been through countless number of psychiatrists and therapists, each trying everything they could think of with me.  This has all been going on for the past 20 YEARS!!  And I tell you, it's only been during this past year that Ive been able to make any kind of improvement on my life.  What did I do?  I quit WAITING and WISHING for someone or something to help me.  I quit the medications (NOT recommended without the approval of your psychiatrist, btw!!)  Quit reading all the "self-help" books (sorry, Dr Phil), quit spending endless hours in those support chat rooms (which really only depressed me more, quite honestly), and just quit looking for miricles.  I even quit seeing a therapist I'd been seeing for over THREE years, because I finally realized she was doing more harm than good judging by the way I felt after leaving her office every week.  What I DID do was get my butt out the door and got myself a JOB (which the first month of I swear I thought I was going to have a nervous break down...but I kept pushing myself out the door to work everyday anyways and I'm happy to say I'm still with the same job a year and a half later and doing fine).  I also got with another therapist (yes, yet ANOTHER one)...but this one is different.  I first met her via my previous  therapist in a group she used to run, so for a few months I was able to "observe" this new therapist, and decided I liked her approach, even though she scared the crap out of me sometimes because she was so direct...but that's what I need.  Even with the tough stuff, she is 100 percent right there with me, where previous therapist would back away or change the subject or get intimidated with things I'd say. My current therapist does know when to ease off the accelerator though sometimes, which is necessary.   However, even this therapist would not be able to help me ONE LITTLE BIT unless I MYSELF wanted and welcomed the help and honestly believed she was there to help me.  But as she often has told me, I have to take the lead, she is only there to keep me on track, keep me focused.  She is only my guide, not my leader, in my journey.  She does not tell me what to do and is not there to punish when don't do it. 

OK....I could go  on and on here.  Suffice to say that it was only when *I* took control of my life and my emotions and my environment that it became possible for real positive change to occur.  Remember the old saying "if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen"...it's entirely up to  you.  You have choices in this world.  It may not seem like it sometimes, but it is definately true.  EVERYthing you do it this life is a choice.  You chose to believe or not, choose to react one way or another, choose to go left or right, choose to approach or withdraw, choose to fight or flee......your life, your choices.  And if you chose to read my post to the end here, I thank you for your time.  Enjoy your choices.

Good for you for the way you have taken control of your life.  You have given wonderful advice and I am certainly takingit to heart.  Thanks for posting.
 
May 11, 2007, 6:46 am CDT

Affair

How do I get past my husband's affair and lying??? He won't talk about it and help me to work through my grief. How do I ever trust him again? How do I go on??/
 
May 12, 2007, 6:52 pm CDT

I think you have to ask yourself a few questions

Quote From: dmusick

How do I get past my husband's affair and lying??? He won't talk about it and help me to work through my grief. How do I ever trust him again? How do I go on??/

He's lied, he's had an affair and he seems to be unconcerned about your feelings at all.  That's what I get from your post, but I could be missing something.  Ask yourself why it's OK for your husband to lie to you.  Ask yourself when it became acceptable for him to have affairs.  Do you deserve to stay with a man you are not sure you can ever trust again, or do you deserve better?  Do you need some professional help to deal with these issues, after all they are huge bombshells to have dropped on you, I know from experience.   Do you need to separate from your husband to see if this can be worked out?  Ask yourself if you want a husband who takes such serious issues lightly.  Ask yourself if deserve a man who cares about and respects your thoughts and feelings.  I have been pondering your post for a few days and wondered how I could help, so I thought I would try this.  Hope it helps you any

Sunshine

 
May 16, 2007, 2:47 pm CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: sunshine80

Biological Family First and Church Family next.  It sounds like you are burning the candle at both ends and that never ends up well.  Your children are your precious gifts from God and raising them to the best of your ability is truly fighting the good fight.  You alone can't save the church.  Teaching Sunday School is a huge contribution already, and check out some info on boundaries to help you say no without feeling terrible.  Those boys really need you.

Best Wishes and Good Luck

Where is ther info you are talking about on boundaries.  Thank yoiu for replying.  I was really upset that day. 
 
May 16, 2007, 4:52 pm CDT

You're Welcome

Quote From: faullzoomom

Where is ther info you are talking about on boundaries.  Thank yoiu for replying.  I was really upset that day. 
In the advice section there should be some good info.  I hope you feel less stressed!
 
May 23, 2007, 9:12 pm CDT

Sick of life as I"ve known it

I have been on these boards since 2003 and I have had my ups and downs but I am sick of the reality that I accept.  I made some really bad decisions as a teenager that continued into my early 20's.  I am hardly the only person who has done that!  I married  a man who literally tortured me emotionally and physically.  I have bipolar disorder and have had it since infancy, but wasn't treated until I was 22, and had been tortured for 6 long years and we had three babies, and we placed our fourth for adoption.  When I went into the hospital for treatment my husband started cheating on me with my best friend.  She was going to lose her house so I invited her to live with us in our house.  It was big enough.  They were cheating and trying to get me to commit suicide and I know it and so does everyone else.  Ya know what, it didn't work.  I am so much stronger than that.  I am telling this story again because I always felt that i "was left" (because I was cheated on) and it acknowledged that i was a victim and these horrible things did happen.  Truth be told, I was the one who was agoraphobic, severely mentally ill, could hardly say my name if asked.  Yet I was the one who stood up and PHYSICALLY left the house and marriage.  I did try to make it work, but I always thought that somehow, me leaving meant that it was me who ruined everything.  I felt ashamed of walking away from my marriage but I have no business feeling ashamed for having the courage to grab my kids and leave that hell-hole.  I should be proud of that.   I have progressed in my treatment, and have stayed on my meds which is also something that i should be proud of.  I have made some friends.  This is a big step as I only had 2 people in my life and that was my best friend and my husband and they both violated any trust and respect that I had for them.  I am so sick of feeling like a victim of my circumstances!!!!   My whole life I have been terrified of people and trusting people.  I have held a steady job for 4 years now and I am a waitress.  I am learning that there are kind-hearted people out there.  I am not weird or unloveable, I am actually well-liked.  I want to reconnect to with some of my former (good) friends who stood by me and tried to help me as long as they could stand it.   I want to apologize to them for not respecting their loving advice and thank them for the support that they gave me.   I want to see them and smile with them and laugh with them again.  I have been tied down by shame and still in the abusive prison for far too long.  I am ready to take action and live up to my full potential
 
First | Prev | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 | 71 | 72 | 73 | 74 | Next | Last