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Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

Number of Replies: 845
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:08:39 am
Author : dataimport
What is the best way to support those you love who are coping with depression or grieving a loss? Post your tips and share support with others.

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May 24, 2007, 1:18 pm CDT

Taking action

Quote From: sunshine80

I have been on these boards since 2003 and I have had my ups and downs but I am sick of the reality that I accept.  I made some really bad decisions as a teenager that continued into my early 20's.  I am hardly the only person who has done that!  I married  a man who literally tortured me emotionally and physically.  I have bipolar disorder and have had it since infancy, but wasn't treated until I was 22, and had been tortured for 6 long years and we had three babies, and we placed our fourth for adoption.  When I went into the hospital for treatment my husband started cheating on me with my best friend.  She was going to lose her house so I invited her to live with us in our house.  It was big enough.  They were cheating and trying to get me to commit suicide and I know it and so does everyone else.  Ya know what, it didn't work.  I am so much stronger than that.  I am telling this story again because I always felt that i "was left" (because I was cheated on) and it acknowledged that i was a victim and these horrible things did happen.  Truth be told, I was the one who was agoraphobic, severely mentally ill, could hardly say my name if asked.  Yet I was the one who stood up and PHYSICALLY left the house and marriage.  I did try to make it work, but I always thought that somehow, me leaving meant that it was me who ruined everything.  I felt ashamed of walking away from my marriage but I have no business feeling ashamed for having the courage to grab my kids and leave that hell-hole.  I should be proud of that.   I have progressed in my treatment, and have stayed on my meds which is also something that i should be proud of.  I have made some friends.  This is a big step as I only had 2 people in my life and that was my best friend and my husband and they both violated any trust and respect that I had for them.  I am so sick of feeling like a victim of my circumstances!!!!   My whole life I have been terrified of people and trusting people.  I have held a steady job for 4 years now and I am a waitress.  I am learning that there are kind-hearted people out there.  I am not weird or unloveable, I am actually well-liked.  I want to reconnect to with some of my former (good) friends who stood by me and tried to help me as long as they could stand it.   I want to apologize to them for not respecting their loving advice and thank them for the support that they gave me.   I want to see them and smile with them and laugh with them again.  I have been tied down by shame and still in the abusive prison for far too long.  I am ready to take action and live up to my full potential

Good for you! Take action...you don't have to be a victim living with bi-polar.

It requires proper treatment, and no one has the right to affect what you need to be doing for yourself. You have to care about you...and your children.

You're not responsible for your husband cheating on you, especially with your best friend...someone you tried to help. They made that choice on their own. 

You're the strong one...your husband gave in to his weaknesses, when you were down and out, and you recovered to rise above all of it. You have shown you don't need him or anyone like him in your life.

Stay on your meds...bi-polar is a chronic mental illness...through no fault of yours, what-so-ever. It's like any other chronic illness, it needs treatment for you to be able to function properly to maintain your independence and quality of life.  Keep moving forward.

 
May 24, 2007, 8:15 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: twox2mns0

Good for you! Take action...you don't have to be a victim living with bi-polar.

It requires proper treatment, and no one has the right to affect what you need to be doing for yourself. You have to care about you...and your children.

You're not responsible for your husband cheating on you, especially with your best friend...someone you tried to help. They made that choice on their own. 

You're the strong one...your husband gave in to his weaknesses, when you were down and out, and you recovered to rise above all of it. You have shown you don't need him or anyone like him in your life.

Stay on your meds...bi-polar is a chronic mental illness...through no fault of yours, what-so-ever. It's like any other chronic illness, it needs treatment for you to be able to function properly to maintain your independence and quality of life.  Keep moving forward.

I am definitely into my treatment, I just kind of stopped looking at things in a way that made me feel bad about myself.  Yes I made bad decisions but i think i need to quit kickin myself for a bit and see the good in what I have done.

 
May 30, 2007, 5:10 pm CDT

Need Help With My Depression

Hi Everybody,

This is my first time posting on  Dr. Phil and to be honest I’m a little bit timid as to putting my feelings out for many to see. Although I am timid, I am also depressed, and when I decided to take a step to help myself the first thing I thought of was Dr. Phil.

Before I begin I'd like to share a little bit about myself, I don’t know if it's normal here to see young people like me, but either way I am 16 years old male. I rent a room in my boss's apartment, and I work full time at a large computer programming firm. You may not believe that a 16 year old is working in the field of computer programming but I have a slightly higher aptitude for knowledge then other kids my age and I am a little more mature (not trying to brag... trust me on that).

Now that you know a little background let me begin.

Over the course of many years, I have felt the burden of depression, I used to have panic attacks, and on one rare drug induced occasion I tried to end my life. Up until a few weeks ago I had been fairly good at tucking my depression deep down inside me, hiding it from people I know, and trying to hide it from myself, but as of late I have found myself very depressed about many aspects of my life. You see, where I live I don’t pay a lot of rent, I don’t have a lot of expenses and thus I have a good amount of money to buy the things I’ve wanted. I have a few expensive material items and I thought that would make me happy. The one thing I don’t have though is much of a social life, I have a roommate that is a little older then me, and his girlfriend and we hang out enough, but that is the extent of my social life. I used to have someone in my life who I as a 16 year old boy can surely say I actually loved. I wanted to spend the rest of my life making hers even just the slightest bit better, but around a year ago we were torn apart and I was no longer able to see her, and she moved on by the time I could be with her again. We still keep in touch as "friends" but I love her so much it hurts a lot to see her without me by her side and even more so to see her with someone else by her side. Its torture... it really is, and I love her so much I couldn’t ever sever our connection, as people I know have told me to do. I have tried to move on but she was the only love I ever knew and therefore I have no experience with girls, and to cripple the crouch I have always felt very nervous doing anything that has to do with meeting new people. I usually spend my free time alone or with my roommate and his girlfriend, but it is even more depressing to see him and her so happy, its like a constant reminder that I have nobody. And I really do have nobody, my mother and sisters live very far away, my father has an entire new family, and I haven’t spoken to him in about a year, and I live in a big area where I get very little social interaction and even if I could. I am the most brain-dead person in the world when it comes to interaction with a woman and almost as bad when it comes to making new guy friends. (as lame as that sounds).

Over the last few weeks I have found myself staying up at night, laying in bed, wanting someone... anyone... to love me. Wanting desperately to have someone to hold me, and be with me... Wanting desperately to take a break from an adult’s life and go back to being 16, without all the responsibility I have, all the stress I have... Wanting desperately someone to hold me and tell me everything will turn out fine... Wanting desperately a reminder that I am worth something to anybody... I feel sad and lonely everyday. I would give all my material possessions away in a second just to feel love of any kind in my life again. But I don’t know what to do, and my life just feels like its ticking away in the same routine.... 9-5 work, 5-9 loneliness... I just feel so lost, and afraid if this is it, if this is my life, and if I will ever be happy.

I know nobody can help me and I accept that, but it does feel good to just speak what I feel. And I appreciate you all for reading and listening. Well, I’m sorry I dragged on and again, thank you, just for reading.  

 
May 30, 2007, 8:48 pm CDT

Please try to find a therapist

Quote From: sad_and_afraid

Hi Everybody,

This is my first time posting on  Dr. Phil and to be honest Im a little bit timid as to putting my feelings out for many to see. Although I am timid, I am also depressed, and when I decided to take a step to help myself the first thing I thought of was Dr. Phil.

Before I begin I'd like to share a little bit about myself, I dont know if it's normal here to see young people like me, but either way I am 16 years old male. I rent a room in my boss's apartment, and I work full time at a large computer programming firm. You may not believe that a 16 year old is working in the field of computer programming but I have a slightly higher aptitude for knowledge then other kids my age and I am a little more mature (not trying to brag... trust me on that).

Now that you know a little background let me begin.

Over the course of many years, I have felt the burden of depression, I used to have panic attacks, and on one rare drug induced occasion I tried to end my life. Up until a few weeks ago I had been fairly good at tucking my depression deep down inside me, hiding it from people I know, and trying to hide it from myself, but as of late I have found myself very depressed about many aspects of my life. You see, where I live I dont pay a lot of rent, I dont have a lot of expenses and thus I have a good amount of money to buy the things Ive wanted. I have a few expensive material items and I thought that would make me happy. The one thing I dont have though is much of a social life, I have a roommate that is a little older then me, and his girlfriend and we hang out enough, but that is the extent of my social life. I used to have someone in my life who I as a 16 year old boy can surely say I actually loved. I wanted to spend the rest of my life making hers even just the slightest bit better, but around a year ago we were torn apart and I was no longer able to see her, and she moved on by the time I could be with her again. We still keep in touch as "friends" but I love her so much it hurts a lot to see her without me by her side and even more so to see her with someone else by her side. Its torture... it really is, and I love her so much I couldnt ever sever our connection, as people I know have told me to do. I have tried to move on but she was the only love I ever knew and therefore I have no experience with girls, and to cripple the crouch I have always felt very nervous doing anything that has to do with meeting new people. I usually spend my free time alone or with my roommate and his girlfriend, but it is even more depressing to see him and her so happy, its like a constant reminder that I have nobody. And I really do have nobody, my mother and sisters live very far away, my father has an entire new family, and I havent spoken to him in about a year, and I live in a big area where I get very little social interaction and even if I could. I am the most brain-dead person in the world when it comes to interaction with a woman and almost as bad when it comes to making new guy friends. (as lame as that sounds).

Over the last few weeks I have found myself staying up at night, laying in bed, wanting someone... anyone... to love me. Wanting desperately to have someone to hold me, and be with me... Wanting desperately to take a break from an adults life and go back to being 16, without all the responsibility I have, all the stress I have... Wanting desperately someone to hold me and tell me everything will turn out fine... Wanting desperately a reminder that I am worth something to anybody... I feel sad and lonely everyday. I would give all my material possessions away in a second just to feel love of any kind in my life again. But I dont know what to do, and my life just feels like its ticking away in the same routine.... 9-5 work, 5-9 loneliness... I just feel so lost, and afraid if this is it, if this is my life, and if I will ever be happy.

I know nobody can help me and I accept that, but it does feel good to just speak what I feel. And I appreciate you all for reading and listening. Well, Im sorry I dragged on and again, thank you, just for reading.  

Or a psychiatrist.  Depression is not a character issue or a phase.   It's an illness just like cancer, diabetes, but with treatment it can be beaten.  I am a female and I feel like a total social dummy.  IQ wise, I'm great but heaven help if someone speaks to me! LOL
 
May 31, 2007, 9:45 am CDT

Hi

Quote From: sunshine80

Or a psychiatrist.  Depression is not a character issue or a phase.   It's an illness just like cancer, diabetes, but with treatment it can be beaten.  I am a female and I feel like a total social dummy.  IQ wise, I'm great but heaven help if someone speaks to me! LOL

It is intelligible that you feel alone and sad because of your apart.

I'm sure that you have heard many times that it takes time to heal from a broken relationship.

 

I don't know if you have any hobbies but I could think that you have some interests. My

advise is that you do things that you like eaven you don't feel like it. Look for hobbies and places where you can meet people eaven if you don't feel like socializing. Where there is people there is a possibility to find someone who is social and willing to  approach you.

 

What comes to depression, panic attacks you should consider professional help

 

An other worn-out prhase you are very young and you have your life ahead of you

 

I wish you all the best

 
May 31, 2007, 9:25 pm CDT

too strong

I have alot of issues beginning from before I remember anything but bits & pieces; apparently I remember enough to know that I was abused, sexually, as a small child.  I spent my sophomore yr of high school, 1/2 way thru taking care of my mother, which I honest to God do not resent, but apparently, my sister who is 18 mths older than me, has resolved her issues with my mother's care & death by the thought, given by "professionals" to realize the "guilt" I have.  I ran away from home at the age of 16l Six mths after my mother's diagnosis - supposedly she would live 2-3 yrs, I knew, somehow, it would be a year; somehow I convinced myself she would not die if I was not there- she would wait for me; plus, to be honest the burden on me, as I have come to realize is alot for 16 (took me 30 plus yrs to acknowledge).  

Guilt, my mother died and no one knew where I was, Red Cross could nt locate me - even though I was arrested more than once -- I was a hooker in NYC.  Even ran into an old acquaintance, after I knew mom was dead, who with no feeling told me so.  Two weeks after mom was buried, my "Pimp" called and found out, I spent the nite wandering the streets of NY. 

I came home 3 mths later, after my "pimp" told me I killed my mother with worry. 

At 16, I took care of my mother, did school work, and called for help rode to the hospital with her for months.  But I should have done more.

Six months after mom died, 3 mths after I returned home, dad died frm a heart attack. Our last words were not friendly.  I AM bothered because I really do not miss him.

I miss mom like hell!!!!

But thru the whole thing, thru it all, no one held me.  When mom was diagnosed; when I came home; when dad died; no one held me, hugged me, held me close; comforted me.  The most from anyone was an uncle who said call him if we needed money.

Thank the good lord above I am not what I am told I should be - drug addict whatever.  I am told I am a survivor.  My children, who do not know the WHOLE story,  say I am so much different than my siblings.  I am "successful" to anyone who knows a part of the story, the ones who only know the age when my parents left this world.

To me, I am not a success.  I do feel guilt, not as much as before, I was given the opportunity to give what I was denied and that helped.

My biggest problem now, is the older I get the more alone I feel.  I am divorced, I think it is truthfully a "black widow", a divorcee whose divorced husband dies -- it is unreal to me how unbelievable it is to those who were there.  My ex's brother even said after the funeral, and i quote, "i have never seen and ex who has done so much or a mother who has been so supportive of her children".  To me - it was a given.

Now I am starting to realize maybe I didn't learn the "right" things but the "wrong" ones (I've always been good @ that as is my son) -- I ALWAYS understand -- to the point any relationship I have - or try to have - I end up feeling like a fool cause NO ONE ELSE would have UNDERSTOOD - and I end up hurt because I am EXPECTED to understand to the point the most recent i screwed up royally and am waiting for the repurcussions on it!  Somehow, I wish i had let it go, but oh, no, I spent 2 -  mind you TWO nites - leaving ugly msgs ( don't even remember them, to be honest i went on a "binge" and sent 2 e-mails - don't even remember the msgs) but I feel so horrible.  We had a date, in 'PERMANENT MARKER"  for friiday nite, no one showed, no calls, would not answer the phone, went to his house, he met me at the door, said hello, i said "do i need to leave" he said "yes"; came home started caling - FINALLY   SHE answered, he got on the phone and gave the 'ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK will explain later".  Then for that nite & the next I left msgs, to be honest, so drunk don't remember what.  But I am SO TIRED of being EXPECTED to understand, to be taken for granted.  This is the first time it has been another woman but basically the same, always. 

I feel guilty for what I did, feel should have left it alone & dealt with it later - but I am SO TIRED of being hurt and expected to accept it cause it was "good reason"; it would have been at most a 5 min phone call to say something came up will explain later - I could have acccepted that; or ANSWER THE ------ phone and say the same.

Why do I always end up like this?   Was I truly only put here to help others and NEVER find happiness of my own?  How do you be understanding and not a doormat?

 
June 9, 2007, 1:50 pm CDT

My parents

Hi everyone, I am sending this message because I need some advice about how I can cope with my parents. My mom has Alzheimers, My grandmother had it so I know what is involved but when it is your mom it is a whole new chapter. My dad suffers from major depression since my sister passed away 3 years ago, he basically lies in bed like 24 hrs a day and with him doing that mom does not get the care she needs so desperately..I do not have any legal right to do anything so I am so frustrated and stressed out because I feel I should be doing something, they should not be living this way. They are still in there home and homecare comes in and a nurse but my dad won't let them do anything but check mom over and talk to them, they also have meals on wheels but that is only 3 times a week so they get hardly nill nutrition. I have a brother and sil that live in the same town but they do what they feel they can. I am about 25 mins away and get there as ofetn as I can, up until Easter this year I called them every night but after easter I just could not handle the sadness and stress I dealt with every phone call. I have Fibro and CFS and when I get stressed out I get ill very ill and it is hard to bounce back. I have to take care of myself for me and my family. My brother found them a home to go to but I have been told they hate i, I know they will not be real happy anywhere but I know when they are truly not liking something they cannot go there, if they are going to remain sad may as well b in there home, but mom needs care now I am losing her more and more each day, so I am now trying to cope with the fact I need to grieve for my mom even though she is still alive. I need advice on how to cope and handle all of this. The perfect place for them to go is into a new nursing home just built in there town where my daughter is a PSW, she can care for them there and see them alot so I will have peace of mind knwoing how they are if I cannot be there alot. What would you do, I have 2 parents I am losing more and more each day and I feel like I am failing them by doing nothing. Can anyone help me with this? Much appreciated

Thanku for reading this.

Cat:)

 
June 11, 2007, 8:13 pm CDT

Lots of hobbies

Quote From: lifegoesby

It is intelligible that you feel alone and sad because of your apart.

I'm sure that you have heard many times that it takes time to heal from a broken relationship.

 

I don't know if you have any hobbies but I could think that you have some interests. My

advise is that you do things that you like eaven you don't feel like it. Look for hobbies and places where you can meet people eaven if you don't feel like socializing. Where there is people there is a possibility to find someone who is social and willing to  approach you.

 

What comes to depression, panic attacks you should consider professional help

 

An other worn-out prhase you are very young and you have your life ahead of you

 

I wish you all the best

I paint, sew, scrapbook, do collages,  sing and play 8 different musical instruments.  I have been in therapy for four years now and I am so glad that I went to the hospital that night.  It took me a long time to realize that i had been beating myself up for things that were symptoms of my bipolar.  I had no control over them at all, brain chemistry.  I also participate in group therapy with other women who have bipolar.  I love it.  I also, up until May 1, have worked full time.  i am going through an extremely terribledepressive state and am off work due to medical leave.  When I was just diagnosed at 22, I was told that I would be on disability and I said no way.  I am too young to just accept disability without even trying.   I don't have a college degree but I will have one.  There is no reason why I can't work after doc says go ahead.
 
June 14, 2007, 8:05 pm CDT

Support

If you look on the web for a site called mood garden, they have an organization called DBSA.  It is a great support network.  NAMI is a great source for support.  And, if you can get on yahoo, they have a nice chat room for depression.

 

I take wellbutrin.  I was taking lamictal but it gave me a bad side effect.  MIGRAINS!

 

Also, family and friends.  LOL, I get very creative when I don't take the wellbutrin.  Then I crash and its not pretty...  I look like Phyllis Dillar and Boy George combined!

 

Pearlhanna

 
June 14, 2007, 8:40 pm CDT

pearlhanna

Quote From: pearlhanna

If you look on the web for a site called mood garden, they have an organization called DBSA.  It is a great support network.  NAMI is a great source for support.  And, if you can get on yahoo, they have a nice chat room for depression.

 

I take wellbutrin.  I was taking lamictal but it gave me a bad side effect.  MIGRAINS!

 

Also, family and friends.  LOL, I get very creative when I don't take the wellbutrin.  Then I crash and its not pretty...  I look like Phyllis Dillar and Boy George combined!

 

Pearlhanna

I take lamictal and wellbutrin as well as klonopin  and vistaril.  thanks for the site i will check it out.
 
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