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Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

Number of Replies: 845
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:08:39 am
Author : dataimport
What is the best way to support those you love who are coping with depression or grieving a loss? Post your tips and share support with others.

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June 14, 2007, 11:52 pm CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: lsinit

I have alot of issues beginning from before I remember anything but bits & pieces; apparently I remember enough to know that I was abused, sexually, as a small child.  I spent my sophomore yr of high school, 1/2 way thru taking care of my mother, which I honest to God do not resent, but apparently, my sister who is 18 mths older than me, has resolved her issues with my mother's care & death by the thought, given by "professionals" to realize the "guilt" I have.  I ran away from home at the age of 16l Six mths after my mother's diagnosis - supposedly she would live 2-3 yrs, I knew, somehow, it would be a year; somehow I convinced myself she would not die if I was not there- she would wait for me; plus, to be honest the burden on me, as I have come to realize is alot for 16 (took me 30 plus yrs to acknowledge).  

Guilt, my mother died and no one knew where I was, Red Cross could nt locate me - even though I was arrested more than once -- I was a hooker in NYC.  Even ran into an old acquaintance, after I knew mom was dead, who with no feeling told me so.  Two weeks after mom was buried, my "Pimp" called and found out, I spent the nite wandering the streets of NY. 

I came home 3 mths later, after my "pimp" told me I killed my mother with worry. 

At 16, I took care of my mother, did school work, and called for help rode to the hospital with her for months.  But I should have done more.

Six months after mom died, 3 mths after I returned home, dad died frm a heart attack. Our last words were not friendly.  I AM bothered because I really do not miss him.

I miss mom like hell!!!!

But thru the whole thing, thru it all, no one held me.  When mom was diagnosed; when I came home; when dad died; no one held me, hugged me, held me close; comforted me.  The most from anyone was an uncle who said call him if we needed money.

Thank the good lord above I am not what I am told I should be - drug addict whatever.  I am told I am a survivor.  My children, who do not know the WHOLE story,  say I am so much different than my siblings.  I am "successful" to anyone who knows a part of the story, the ones who only know the age when my parents left this world.

To me, I am not a success.  I do feel guilt, not as much as before, I was given the opportunity to give what I was denied and that helped.

My biggest problem now, is the older I get the more alone I feel.  I am divorced, I think it is truthfully a "black widow", a divorcee whose divorced husband dies -- it is unreal to me how unbelievable it is to those who were there.  My ex's brother even said after the funeral, and i quote, "i have never seen and ex who has done so much or a mother who has been so supportive of her children".  To me - it was a given.

Now I am starting to realize maybe I didn't learn the "right" things but the "wrong" ones (I've always been good @ that as is my son) -- I ALWAYS understand -- to the point any relationship I have - or try to have - I end up feeling like a fool cause NO ONE ELSE would have UNDERSTOOD - and I end up hurt because I am EXPECTED to understand to the point the most recent i screwed up royally and am waiting for the repurcussions on it!  Somehow, I wish i had let it go, but oh, no, I spent 2 -  mind you TWO nites - leaving ugly msgs ( don't even remember them, to be honest i went on a "binge" and sent 2 e-mails - don't even remember the msgs) but I feel so horrible.  We had a date, in 'PERMANENT MARKER"  for friiday nite, no one showed, no calls, would not answer the phone, went to his house, he met me at the door, said hello, i said "do i need to leave" he said "yes"; came home started caling - FINALLY   SHE answered, he got on the phone and gave the 'ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK will explain later".  Then for that nite & the next I left msgs, to be honest, so drunk don't remember what.  But I am SO TIRED of being EXPECTED to understand, to be taken for granted.  This is the first time it has been another woman but basically the same, always. 

I feel guilty for what I did, feel should have left it alone & dealt with it later - but I am SO TIRED of being hurt and expected to accept it cause it was "good reason"; it would have been at most a 5 min phone call to say something came up will explain later - I could have acccepted that; or ANSWER THE ------ phone and say the same.

Why do I always end up like this?   Was I truly only put here to help others and NEVER find happiness of my own?  How do you be understanding and not a doormat?

apparently since i have jno msgs to this, no repies, either no one has ever walked a portion of a mile in my shoes or everyone thinks it is trivial == to me it is not.  I am alone , itired of being alone but also TIRED of understandint because that seems to lead to being used.  DOESN

T ANYONE CARE?!?  DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND OR EVEN HAVE THE EMPATHY THE COMPASSION TO TRY????????????

 
June 15, 2007, 10:33 am CDT

i need support

hi everybody,

i cannot write anything now, but i just wanna feel that there are people who care about me and can support me in my problem, i really need ur support

 
June 15, 2007, 10:06 pm CDT

I just got here

Quote From: lsinit

apparently since i have jno msgs to this, no repies, either no one has ever walked a portion of a mile in my shoes or everyone thinks it is trivial == to me it is not.  I am alone , itired of being alone but also TIRED of understandint because that seems to lead to being used.  DOESN

T ANYONE CARE?!?  DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND OR EVEN HAVE THE EMPATHY THE COMPASSION TO TRY????????????

I read your story and I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this.  Especially beginning at age 16, or thereabouts.  If I were to metaphorically give you feedback on what I have just seen, because it does paint a picture, it would be this.  It seems like you have this huge, enormous piece of luggage (baggage) bigger than a truck that you have forced yourself to lug behind you all of these years.  It gets bigger and bigger all the time.  It seems like you are tired of carying it, and ready to start to deal with it.  O.K. so first of all, I come here every day, most always.  Would you post for me the thing that bothers you most of all?  I see so much guilt, but what exactly is that big one?  This will be easier to deal with if we break the big bag into lots of very specific small bags than they will be much easier to manage and hopefully get rid of.

Please post back soon.

 
June 15, 2007, 10:07 pm CDT

Hi rambo

Quote From: rambo5

hi everybody,

i cannot write anything now, but i just wanna feel that there are people who care about me and can support me in my problem, i really need ur support

I'm here when you're ready. (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
 
June 19, 2007, 6:29 am CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: moonskye

Hi everyone, I am sending this message because I need some advice about how I can cope with my parents. My mom has Alzheimers, My grandmother had it so I know what is involved but when it is your mom it is a whole new chapter. My dad suffers from major depression since my sister passed away 3 years ago, he basically lies in bed like 24 hrs a day and with him doing that mom does not get the care she needs so desperately..I do not have any legal right to do anything so I am so frustrated and stressed out because I feel I should be doing something, they should not be living this way. They are still in there home and homecare comes in and a nurse but my dad won't let them do anything but check mom over and talk to them, they also have meals on wheels but that is only 3 times a week so they get hardly nill nutrition. I have a brother and sil that live in the same town but they do what they feel they can. I am about 25 mins away and get there as ofetn as I can, up until Easter this year I called them every night but after easter I just could not handle the sadness and stress I dealt with every phone call. I have Fibro and CFS and when I get stressed out I get ill very ill and it is hard to bounce back. I have to take care of myself for me and my family. My brother found them a home to go to but I have been told they hate i, I know they will not be real happy anywhere but I know when they are truly not liking something they cannot go there, if they are going to remain sad may as well b in there home, but mom needs care now I am losing her more and more each day, so I am now trying to cope with the fact I need to grieve for my mom even though she is still alive. I need advice on how to cope and handle all of this. The perfect place for them to go is into a new nursing home just built in there town where my daughter is a PSW, she can care for them there and see them alot so I will have peace of mind knwoing how they are if I cannot be there alot. What would you do, I have 2 parents I am losing more and more each day and I feel like I am failing them by doing nothing. Can anyone help me with this? Much appreciated

Thanku for reading this.

Cat:)

Haven't been reading too much on this thread before, so this kinda went by me. I know you must be terribly tired of all this, but what I'd do, or try to do, is physically drag that man out of bed each and every day I was able to. I'd never let him do what he's doing to himself, his wife, and the rest of your family. If he doesn't pull together, he'll lose his wife without even noticing, he'll just be as apathetic as always. He's withering away day by day as long as he does this. I would really make it my mission in life to get him to see that even though he lost his daughter, life has to go on. There is time for grief, and there is time for reconciliation, as there is a time for moving on. If you can, give him what he needs, which is the proper motivation to help his wife.

 
June 19, 2007, 6:46 am CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: lsinit

I have alot of issues beginning from before I remember anything but bits & pieces; apparently I remember enough to know that I was abused, sexually, as a small child.  I spent my sophomore yr of high school, 1/2 way thru taking care of my mother, which I honest to God do not resent, but apparently, my sister who is 18 mths older than me, has resolved her issues with my mother's care & death by the thought, given by "professionals" to realize the "guilt" I have.  I ran away from home at the age of 16l Six mths after my mother's diagnosis - supposedly she would live 2-3 yrs, I knew, somehow, it would be a year; somehow I convinced myself she would not die if I was not there- she would wait for me; plus, to be honest the burden on me, as I have come to realize is alot for 16 (took me 30 plus yrs to acknowledge).  

Guilt, my mother died and no one knew where I was, Red Cross could nt locate me - even though I was arrested more than once -- I was a hooker in NYC.  Even ran into an old acquaintance, after I knew mom was dead, who with no feeling told me so.  Two weeks after mom was buried, my "Pimp" called and found out, I spent the nite wandering the streets of NY. 

I came home 3 mths later, after my "pimp" told me I killed my mother with worry. 

At 16, I took care of my mother, did school work, and called for help rode to the hospital with her for months.  But I should have done more.

Six months after mom died, 3 mths after I returned home, dad died frm a heart attack. Our last words were not friendly.  I AM bothered because I really do not miss him.

I miss mom like hell!!!!

But thru the whole thing, thru it all, no one held me.  When mom was diagnosed; when I came home; when dad died; no one held me, hugged me, held me close; comforted me.  The most from anyone was an uncle who said call him if we needed money.

Thank the good lord above I am not what I am told I should be - drug addict whatever.  I am told I am a survivor.  My children, who do not know the WHOLE story,  say I am so much different than my siblings.  I am "successful" to anyone who knows a part of the story, the ones who only know the age when my parents left this world.

To me, I am not a success.  I do feel guilt, not as much as before, I was given the opportunity to give what I was denied and that helped.

My biggest problem now, is the older I get the more alone I feel.  I am divorced, I think it is truthfully a "black widow", a divorcee whose divorced husband dies -- it is unreal to me how unbelievable it is to those who were there.  My ex's brother even said after the funeral, and i quote, "i have never seen and ex who has done so much or a mother who has been so supportive of her children".  To me - it was a given.

Now I am starting to realize maybe I didn't learn the "right" things but the "wrong" ones (I've always been good @ that as is my son) -- I ALWAYS understand -- to the point any relationship I have - or try to have - I end up feeling like a fool cause NO ONE ELSE would have UNDERSTOOD - and I end up hurt because I am EXPECTED to understand to the point the most recent i screwed up royally and am waiting for the repurcussions on it!  Somehow, I wish i had let it go, but oh, no, I spent 2 -  mind you TWO nites - leaving ugly msgs ( don't even remember them, to be honest i went on a "binge" and sent 2 e-mails - don't even remember the msgs) but I feel so horrible.  We had a date, in 'PERMANENT MARKER"  for friiday nite, no one showed, no calls, would not answer the phone, went to his house, he met me at the door, said hello, i said "do i need to leave" he said "yes"; came home started caling - FINALLY   SHE answered, he got on the phone and gave the 'ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK will explain later".  Then for that nite & the next I left msgs, to be honest, so drunk don't remember what.  But I am SO TIRED of being EXPECTED to understand, to be taken for granted.  This is the first time it has been another woman but basically the same, always. 

I feel guilty for what I did, feel should have left it alone & dealt with it later - but I am SO TIRED of being hurt and expected to accept it cause it was "good reason"; it would have been at most a 5 min phone call to say something came up will explain later - I could have acccepted that; or ANSWER THE ------ phone and say the same.

Why do I always end up like this?   Was I truly only put here to help others and NEVER find happiness of my own?  How do you be understanding and not a doormat?

I can't even begin to understand what you've been going through, but I'll comment a bit on your questions.

 

Was I truly only put here to help others and NEVER find happiness of my own?

Nothing is meant to be. You weren't "put" here to do anything else than what you want to do with your life. You have tried to reconcile with your mistakes, now it's time to move on. Raise your head, be that strong, confident woman you want to be. Life is too short not to enjoy it as best we can, and way to important to be taken too seriously. Don't think you're meant not to find happiness just because you haven't found it yet. The fundamental part of life isn't what we're meant to do with it, but what we actually do with it. If you want happiness, search for it, and never, ever give up! Ever. Look, and thou shalt find, if you don't, it'll remain hidden. If you can't find something, it only means one thing; you haven't looked hard enough.

 

Why do I always end up like this?

What do you mean "like this"? If you mean hurt and alone, it's honestly because you let people hurt you. Not intentionally of course, but maybe you let people walk all over you. Maybe you are as you put it, a doormat.

 

Which leads to the last question, how to be understanding and not a doormat. Find balance. It's perfectly possible to be understanding of other peoples issues and problems without letting people walk all over. You are stronger than that. Noone deserves being treated like dirt, neither do you.

 
June 19, 2007, 11:36 pm CDT

When is it my turn to be happy?

I'm not sure how to put my feelings down right so it may be a little scattered. 

  I was recently engaged, congratulations right?  No, things were getting a little rough.  We were having so many problems and fights about nothing, literally.  He asked to postpone the wedding until we worked things out.  He's been divorced and has a child with his ex-wife.  He doesn't want the same thing to happen with us. I respect that really, I just got so excited and couldn't wait til my childhood dream wedding happened.  I've lost hope in getting married.  He doesn't make me feel like it will ever happen.  I've gotten so depressed lately and I feel like nothing I do is right for him.  I'm trying so hard so my wedding will happen and it seems like it's getting farther away. 

   I have been in his son's life since he was born.  He is now 19 months and a great kid.  Being a stepmom is extreamly hard and I don't know how to do it.  The boy seems like he resents me because mom and dad don't disipline him.  I know it's not my place to do that but he needs it sometimes.  He hits me, he won't let me hold him, he makes me feel like I'm a total bad person.  I've talked to my fiance (his dad) about this and it's almost like he doesn't care sometimes.  I have no idea what to do.  I don't want him to grow up thinking it's ok to hit me.  I need help.

  Another thing is that I want my own kids SO bad that I have become so jealous of the people around me that are pregnant.  His brother and wife just had their baby, my sister is pregnant, his 16 year old sister is pregnant, girls at work are getting married and having kids.  I want it so bad!!! People that don't want it are getting it and I can't?? I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but it's hard.  I cry everyday because my dreams are falling apart every day.  Why is it so hard for him to see these things?? I try to tell him my feelings and he makes me feel like I'm stupid for feeling this way. 

  I know you get a lot of mail, but I really need some advice.  I'm going insane and all I'm asking for is a family.  I was so close to having it, then he got cold feet and now it may never happen because he's to scared.   I keep giving him what he needs and ignoring my feelings.  I put on a happy face around him but when I'm alone my life falls apart.  I cry because I know what I want and I want it so bad.  I just want a family, my own.  I want my own kids, I love his son like he was my own, but it would just be different if I had my own.  PLEASE HELP ME!!!

 
June 20, 2007, 11:48 pm CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: cheryldickson

I'm not sure how to put my feelings down right so it may be a little scattered. 

  I was recently engaged, congratulations right?  No, things were getting a little rough.  We were having so many problems and fights about nothing, literally.  He asked to postpone the wedding until we worked things out.  He's been divorced and has a child with his ex-wife.  He doesn't want the same thing to happen with us. I respect that really, I just got so excited and couldn't wait til my childhood dream wedding happened.  I've lost hope in getting married.  He doesn't make me feel like it will ever happen.  I've gotten so depressed lately and I feel like nothing I do is right for him.  I'm trying so hard so my wedding will happen and it seems like it's getting farther away. 

   I have been in his son's life since he was born.  He is now 19 months and a great kid.  Being a stepmom is extreamly hard and I don't know how to do it.  The boy seems like he resents me because mom and dad don't disipline him.  I know it's not my place to do that but he needs it sometimes.  He hits me, he won't let me hold him, he makes me feel like I'm a total bad person.  I've talked to my fiance (his dad) about this and it's almost like he doesn't care sometimes.  I have no idea what to do.  I don't want him to grow up thinking it's ok to hit me.  I need help.

  Another thing is that I want my own kids SO bad that I have become so jealous of the people around me that are pregnant.  His brother and wife just had their baby, my sister is pregnant, his 16 year old sister is pregnant, girls at work are getting married and having kids.  I want it so bad!!! People that don't want it are getting it and I can't?? I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but it's hard.  I cry everyday because my dreams are falling apart every day.  Why is it so hard for him to see these things?? I try to tell him my feelings and he makes me feel like I'm stupid for feeling this way. 

  I know you get a lot of mail, but I really need some advice.  I'm going insane and all I'm asking for is a family.  I was so close to having it, then he got cold feet and now it may never happen because he's to scared.   I keep giving him what he needs and ignoring my feelings.  I put on a happy face around him but when I'm alone my life falls apart.  I cry because I know what I want and I want it so bad.  I just want a family, my own.  I want my own kids, I love his son like he was my own, but it would just be different if I had my own.  PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Don't get me wrong, I can of course see that you want to get married, but what I really don't get is why you think postponing the wedding means you'll never have a family. You don't need to be married to have a family. I'm also afraid I will never, ever understand some womens biological need to have children. I just don't get it at all, so my advices here might not weigh very heavily.

 

I think your fiancee made the right choice wanting to postpone the wedding untill you've worked out what you've been fighting about, but in that case, you should really be working on them, cause if you don't, postponing the wedding wasn't much point, was it? And you're not doing yourself a favor when you put on a happy face around him. If you want to get married, you both need to be open with each other and work on the relationship, and then, when you're on solid ground again, the marriage would be on a much better foundation.

 

I notice one thing that you repeat a lot: You want to have a family, you want to get married, you want to have children. All you're asking for is a family. Isn't this a tad egoistic? Marriage and family isn't something he's just supposed to give you, he should really want it too. Preferably at the same time. So the only advice I can really give, is talking and working this trough together with him. Tell him how you feel and what you want. What you're doing now is hiding how you feel in an attempt to make him believe you are happy and therefore ready to get married. It's that really a basis you'd like to base your marriage on?

 
June 23, 2007, 8:52 pm CDT

Thanks SO-O-O much for caring!

Quote From: sunshine80

I read your story and I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this.  Especially beginning at age 16, or thereabouts.  If I were to metaphorically give you feedback on what I have just seen, because it does paint a picture, it would be this.  It seems like you have this huge, enormous piece of luggage (baggage) bigger than a truck that you have forced yourself to lug behind you all of these years.  It gets bigger and bigger all the time.  It seems like you are tired of carying it, and ready to start to deal with it.  O.K. so first of all, I come here every day, most always.  Would you post for me the thing that bothers you most of all?  I see so much guilt, but what exactly is that big one?  This will be easier to deal with if we break the big bag into lots of very specific small bags than they will be much easier to manage and hopefully get rid of.

Please post back soon.

Thanks for caring enf to reply.  I don't know if people think it is a lie or what, I didn't tell my whole story but I did try counseling and when  I put my history in writing because I could not speak it, she cried when reading it, I think that did it for me.  I figured they had heard it all.  I keep being told I am a "survivor" -- I have a nice house I am buying a good job, WONDERFUL children, and a FEW friends, my criteria for "friend" is too hard for most to meet.  NONE, I repeat< NONE of my friends know my WHOLE story, and one or two have said the past doesn't matter, I believe to a degree it does because your past DOES make you who you are.

Before age 16 I was a very cold person, NOW I think I have too much empathy -- I have been told by professionals they have never seen anyone so able to put theirself in another's position. 

As far as my guilt, I think my BIGGEST guilt is not being there whn I should have most.  My guilt is as my sister said relieved her of alot was when her counselor (she's had alot) told her when she was so angry at me she needed to realize th guilt I had to carry the rest of my life. 

My BIGGEST burden, well, I'll shre with you a short version of where I am:  my mother got sick, no one held me, my mother had surgery-no one held me; mom died, I was not there but no one held me (the most I got was what sent me home when I was told 3 months later I killed her with worry); Dad died, no one held me.  Think all this would make me REALLY cold, and to some degree it does, but it has also made me very awre of others feelings & needs.

People walk all over me because I "understand".

You can hurt me over & over (emotionally) and I'll find a way to understand or make it my fault; the kink in it is, and I tell everyone up front, you hurt one of my children (biological or decided to adopt me & I agreed - or grandchildren), I'll be all over you like you never knew before & I'll be your worst nightmare -- no excuses no reasons.

People come to me with their problms, even @ work, guess cause I help in some way; I can put myself in their shoes. . . even when I try to disuss a problem whoever has their own & to me that is moer important. 

My problems aren't important, I guess I feel I can deal with anything; I've been asked when is my price paid for not being there for mom?  I don't know.  

I guess I cnnot remember the last time I felt loved, secure or safe by anyone but me and I can't seem to "trust" anyone enf to find a soft place to fall.  But I am so-o-o tired of fighting battles alone, so-o-o tired hurting, so-o-o-o tired of noone being there, and I don't know if its that I don't know how to let them or if mybe its just me.

Thanks for caring; sorry it took so long I have a REALLY crazy scdle

 

 
June 23, 2007, 9:25 pm CDT

I have trust issues too

Quote From: lsinit

Thanks for caring enf to reply.  I don't know if people think it is a lie or what, I didn't tell my whole story but I did try counseling and when  I put my history in writing because I could not speak it, she cried when reading it, I think that did it for me.  I figured they had heard it all.  I keep being told I am a "survivor" -- I have a nice house I am buying a good job, WONDERFUL children, and a FEW friends, my criteria for "friend" is too hard for most to meet.  NONE, I repeat< NONE of my friends know my WHOLE story, and one or two have said the past doesn't matter, I believe to a degree it does because your past DOES make you who you are.

Before age 16 I was a very cold person, NOW I think I have too much empathy -- I have been told by professionals they have never seen anyone so able to put theirself in another's position. 

As far as my guilt, I think my BIGGEST guilt is not being there whn I should have most.  My guilt is as my sister said relieved her of alot was when her counselor (she's had alot) told her when she was so angry at me she needed to realize th guilt I had to carry the rest of my life. 

My BIGGEST burden, well, I'll shre with you a short version of where I am:  my mother got sick, no one held me, my mother had surgery-no one held me; mom died, I was not there but no one held me (the most I got was what sent me home when I was told 3 months later I killed her with worry); Dad died, no one held me.  Think all this would make me REALLY cold, and to some degree it does, but it has also made me very awre of others feelings & needs.

People walk all over me because I "understand".

You can hurt me over & over (emotionally) and I'll find a way to understand or make it my fault; the kink in it is, and I tell everyone up front, you hurt one of my children (biological or decided to adopt me & I agreed - or grandchildren), I'll be all over you like you never knew before & I'll be your worst nightmare -- no excuses no reasons.

People come to me with their problms, even @ work, guess cause I help in some way; I can put myself in their shoes. . . even when I try to disuss a problem whoever has their own & to me that is moer important. 

My problems aren't important, I guess I feel I can deal with anything; I've been asked when is my price paid for not being there for mom?  I don't know.  

I guess I cnnot remember the last time I felt loved, secure or safe by anyone but me and I can't seem to "trust" anyone enf to find a soft place to fall.  But I am so-o-o tired of fighting battles alone, so-o-o tired hurting, so-o-o-o tired of noone being there, and I don't know if its that I don't know how to let them or if mybe its just me.

Thanks for caring; sorry it took so long I have a REALLY crazy scdle

 

You know what, you need to dissesct that big burden into little burdens and kick them all to the curb one at a time.  If you need ideas we can talk about it, but i don't want to seem bossy.
 
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