Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

I am engaged to a wonderful man who lost his wife to cancer over 10 years ago during the Christmas holidays.  We love each other very much and have a very open and honest relationship. 

He is unable to celebrate this holiday and other significant days and I feel for him and understand to the extent that I am able, but how do I get through it with my own happiness about the season without making it harder for him? 

I have 2 older children and would like to keep our own traditions going and involve him in them.  He has done very well on other significant days in the past to keep his emotions in check and I didn't realize how hard it was for him until last night when we had planned on shopping for our families and he became very "hard" all of a sudden.  I didn't realize the impact of it until we came back home and I brought it up so that we could get it out in the open and to let him know that I can deal with it as long as I know what is happening. 

He was very open with me about his feelings and letting me see his vulnerability and even though I haven't been through it myself, I am very touched by the love and devotion he felt towards her.  It's one of the reasons for my attraction to him in the first place. 

My concern is adding to his already fragile state.  Ultimately, this season for me is about keeping up "traditions" with my own children and extended family, but just as importantly, for my fiancee and I to create our own nice memories of the season and based on our conversation last night, I don't see how that will happen with the grief he is still experiencing.  Any advice or experience with this from anyone here is very much appreciated.

Thank you

Hi,

     I have many health problems, - spinal injury, bone disease, grand mal epilepsy, severe depression etc the list just goes on and on.

I live with chronic pain every day, a lot of it is my own fault because I don't take the medication like I should, but it's morphine and I am so afraid of getting addicted to it, so, I put up with the pain and this makes me so very tired and unable to do anything.  I want my life back but it won't happen. 

I have met with my new pain management specialist, he sounds great and has suggested 3 operations on my spine, they cut the nerves that go to the places where most of the pain is, so I would be free of pain, this procedure only lasts 8 months, so every 8 months I would need the operations again, they operate on the 3 sections on the spine, the cervical (neck) throracic (mid) and lumbar (bottom).  The only problem is that I don't have private health insurance, and it's going to be very expensive and very hard to get it because I have pre existing injuries and when I do, IF I do get it, I have to be on it for a year before I can use it.  The operations are major and that also scares me, but to be out of pain would be amazing because I have been like this for 10 years now and my life is so hard, my dear wonderful husband is my full time carer, he does so much for me.  This won't help my epilepsy, but it should lift a lot of the depression because I would be able to do much more.

The problem!!   IF the operations don't work, I won't feel anything, it could paralize me, I mean I have to use a walker to get around now and have lost 85% feeling in my left leg and 25% feeling from my right leg but I fight like hell to get around and live as normal as I possibly can.

I just feel that if I stay like I am, things will just progress to the point where I will be in a wheel chair because they can't cure my bone disease and my bones are brittle and very very weak and it doesn't take much to break them, even a seizure has broken my ribs and fingers as my seizures are very violent.

What choice do I have really?  I either stay the way I am, or, spend more money which my health bills are so high now, I could get private insurance and get more help, or if I stay the way I am, I just have to sit most days because if I move around a lot I risk falling over and breaking bones or damaging my spine even more, I have sciatica aswell and that's very painful and my cervical section is all compacted, which means that it is mainly bone on bone and is so tightly compacted it's like I don't have a neck, you can't tell, but ct scans show it and the lumbar section, I have multiple disc prolapses in both the mid section and the lumbar section and one of the prolapses or discs are so close to the spinal chord that if it touches the spinal chord I will end up in a wheel chair so they won't operate or put a plate in because it's too risky, so to block the nerves is the only option.

I am SO SORRY about the long letter but I needed to share this with you.  I can't sit up at a computer so I rely heavily on my laptop as it keeps me in touch with the world.  I have studied psychology and help councel online, I help people with depression and people who have been abused, I love my work and it is wonderful to be able to help people from home on my laptop, I am good at it because I know and understand how these people feel.  My initial spinal injury was caused by an attack,  someone attacked me with a tyre lever on my spine and legs so I wouldn't be able to perform anymore, I used to be a music teacher, and I used to sing and play guitar and had a small band and I loved it, we mainly did charity work to help the local hospital raise money and the Policemans Ball, but we also had paid gigs to pay for the equipment, we used to play around 3 to 4 nights a week which gave me a good income and I was a single mother back then and it helped me emensley, because I could take care of my son through the day and my teaching meant that I was always home when my son was, I loved my life.  Now I don't have a life, it's more of an existance.

Shelley xx

Hi Martafil,

                   I suffer depression, a spinal injury and epilepsy and am just going  through a tough time, there is nothing I can put my finger on, I do suffer with chronic pain but because I am afraid of getting addicted to my pain relief I don't use it like i'm supposed to and I know I should, but, they are morphine based.  I do take the Kapanol twice a day like I have to and that should be enough, I refuse to take all the others, I would be just looking for trouble, but life is hard.

I love Dr Phil and I would love to  make some friends here and keep up with the message boards but i'm new at it and not really sure what to do.

I hope to hear from you again, I do have some posts here, but they were long and no one answered me..

Cheers  Shelley.

Oh, I'm from Australia

Hi,

     Now, I'm not going to complain, but, how on earth do you tell people you suffer with depression???  The conversation just comes to a hault.  I have a spinal injury, grand mal epilepsy and I can't walk on my own, these things are talked about, but my main issue is my depression because of all my illnesses as I have many to do with a thyroid disease that has caused my spinal problems.  No one understands depression and i'm sure they think you come from another planet or that they might catch it, honestly, I don't know.....

My depression is an illness like any other illness, of course my situation makes it worse some days, but I do have a chemical depression of which I take medication for, but some people I have told about it say to me, 'oh, I wouldn't take tablets for it, it just makes it worse' or 'wow, why don't you just cheer up, lets go out one night, that will make you feel better', they just do not understand and that makes you feel more and more alone.

Shelleyb2

AND, I volunteer and help others with depression online and I love it, but the people we see every day are the ones that just don't understand, perfect strangers do.

I've posted on several other boreds here, trying to find help, so I thought of trying here. Some of this I have already posted, but I'm just gonna write it again, so everyone can understand my situation, ok?

Where to begin, well I have 3 kids, they are 11, 9 and a 5 year's old and my life has been a roller coaster of a ride. My two older children, my daughter and my son, were by my ex-boyfriend who I haven't seen in nearly 10 years. He had a wife and two children with her, both girls. When we dated, from 1994-1998, he and his wife were separated, well that is what he told me. I was only 17 when we met, he was 34. I met his daughters, they were around 6 and 4 at the time when we first met. They new about me and my daughter, they came to her 1st birthday party, my daughter went to his house with them when he had them at his house, I met them when I was at his house, but they never knew about my son. Then when he left me, right before I had my son in 1998, I loss all contact with all of them, I looked and looked everywhere for them and I never found them. So to make a long story short, my 11 yr-old was on myspace and came across two girls who looked like the girls in the only picture I have of her sisters, from her birthday party, 10 years ago. They were the age they would be now and the same sign as their birthday, so she e-mailed them and one responded and said that she has a sister, who's name is the same as my exes daughters!! She told my daughter that she always knew she had a younger sister, they exchanged a few words but she's didn't reply back right away. Well she finally did, she said that she hadn't seen her dad in over a year, she is 16 now, she's the younger one, the other one is older, she is like around 18 now. She said that he moved back to Trinidad and has a new wife there. Her sister said that she wants to meet my daughter and that she did not know that she had a younger brother too, she was in shock, but seemed really sweet and kind and she even sent my daughters pic's of her and her sister, her mom and even 2 of my kid's cousin's from their father's side. She want's to meet us all, but don't know how to talk to her mom about it. she hasn't even told her sister that she has contact with my daughter, but said she is going to. My daughter is so excited, she say's that she feels so good now that she has found her long lost sister's and that she could. maybe one day she and her brother could meet their dad. My son is excited too, but he has ADD and is more worried or concerned about other things, plus since moving back home to Chicago from Georgia after 6 years and with my son not having a lot of friends that were boys around back in Georgia, all he had was his 2 sisters and his step-dad and 2 "uncle's" (my husband's brothers) so, he is having a blast being with all his "boy" cousins. All I ever wanted out of life was to be loved, to be happy, and when I had kids, to be a good mom and to raise them right and in a 2 parent, loving home and I thought I found that with my husband. We met in 2001, after I moved to Georgia to start my life over. He was my soul-mate, my lover, my best friend, my everything. He helped make me the person I am today, but not without a price. When we met I was a single mom of 2, that just moved 800 miles away from my whole family, with a history, with baggage. I opened up to him, he just gave me that vibe, he showed interest in me and more importantly, he showed interest in my kids and that just swept me off my feet. For 3 year's I was single, only dated less then a handful of guys, only dated, nothing more. Perry was the first guy I got that sucken, funny feeling in the pit in my stomach when he walked in the room or called, my heart skipped a beat, he gave me my life back. I never felt the love I had for him with no other man, I would of walk to hell and back for him. However, don't get me wrong, I loved my childrens' father too, I fell madly in love with him over time. We worked together and began a secert affair. Like i said he told me he and his wife were sperated, but we had to keep it a secert cause he was my boss. So, of course, good ole naive Patti ate it up. He was good to me, when he was around, and not going to see his wife behind my back. He lied to me about so much, that I began to lie to him too and things just got blown out of propotion, before I knew it, I was living a lie, a make believe life and he believed me to be this crazy young woman, who feel in love with him and got pregnant. It eventually just become to much and he left me when I was 8 months pregnant with our second child, my son. I feel like I pushed him away, but he had his own demons too. He was still married, but supposely seperated, he was a Muslim, I was Catholic, he was from Trinidad, just a bunch of different stuff, but I felt he loved me and I loved him. I let my insercuruties control me, plus with him lying to me and trying to cover it up, just fueled my fire and I evenutally become a very resentful, revengful person. So after he left me I moved back in with my parents, then 4 months later my dad died from a massive heart attack. Farouk was his name, he came and took my daughter for my dad's funeral, but refused to take my son, his son. He never gave me a reason why he left me. He called me on my birthday in April of 1998, said he needed some time to think, he came to the hospital when I had my son that next month, the next time I seen him was when my dad died that September, haven't seen him since. There is more to my story, can't write it all here. So now back to when I moved to Georgia and met Perry, I fell in love and he treated me good, he treated my kids good, they loved him so much, they began to call him daddy. We had a daughter in Aug, of 2002, were married in Feb, 2003. I went back to school, got my GED, things were good for awhile, well to make a long story short, I married a monster, he was a child molester and he molested my 11 year old daughter for 5 years. he was nothing I thought he was, he used me as a pond to get to my daughter. It has been the worse experience I ever been through, I can't imagine what my daughter must be going through, all she and her brother ever wanted was a dad and I thought I found them one, how wrong I was. He also molested my niece and his niece's and others. This all happened with my husband just this past August. It's been rough, for all of us, my 5-yr-old was never touched, but she misses her daddy very, very much, they had a very close bond, it was his first biological child. Like I said there is so much more to this whole story, I call my life. See ever since this experienced happened with my daughter and her step-dad, both my daughter and my son has been asking me about their "real" dad and older sisters and wants to find them and met them, but I don't know what to do. Child support has looked for my ex and never could find him and closed my case and I think he knows and is in hiding and he probably won't want to contact us, because of that, so now I don't know what to do. I can use child support, but I rather have them met him and/or their sisters, I can care less about money, I want my children to have closure, to know who their biological father is, to know their sisters, to know who and where they came from, who their family is, what can I do? I need help, any advice? I don't know how to make this happen, I know they live in Chicago somewhere and their dad in supposely in Trinidad and Tabago in the West Indies, well that is what his other daughter said, don't know for sure. I need help with so much I'm dealing with, I just can't deal with it alone, I don't know what is right and what is the wrong things to do. My lilttle girl is asking me so many questions about her daddy, that I just don't know how to answer without making her cry for him, instead I change the subject or tell her to quite asking me and then THAT makes her upset!! My life seems so messed up and confusing, I have three children with 2 different fathers, asking me about thier dad...HELP!! What do i do, how do I do thid, anyone please help!

You're not making Christmas hard for your Fiance...he is, but not deliberately.  Complicated grief is difficult to live with. Ten years is a long time, but to him, his loss could seem like yesterday.

He wants to move on with his life or he would not be with you. Guilt for wanting to love and laugh again might be keeping him down. He might feel like he's betraying his deceased wife and won't give himself permission to completely move on with his life.

There are many things that can be catalysts to his grief. Sometimes they can't be separated. Complicated grief can cause depression, sadness, anger/rage, hostility, resentment, severe remorse, helplessness, and turning off memories is impossible.

Perhaps he doesn't know how to manage being a survivor, and he might need grief counselling.

Just be happy around him and maybe it will rub off.    

Hi,

    I too suffer depression and I have epilepsy and a bone disease and spinal injury and just find it so hard to get out to make friends.  I really really hope I get a reply in here, I don't really know what i'm doing though,

This is the first time I have really tried to reply to anyone, I have put in posts but must put them in wrong because no one has answered them.

I would dearly love to join in here and get to know some people.

Depression is a really bad set back for me, as it makes you feel so alone and seperate from everyone else and it's so hard to explain to people.  If you tell someone you have depression the conversation stops and they either ignore it or find an excuse to go, it's sad really because i'm no different to anyone else, I want to be accepted like the next person.

I hope I hear from someone.

Take care all and have a wonderful christmas and a happy new year

Shelley, from Australia

Dear Shelly ,

  You actually owe no one an explanation. It is your business. Unfortunately people with depression have always and  are still discriminated against. It is ignorance that drives their comments. Only approximately 49 % of people suffering depression have any biochemical imbalance which is why the medication actually does help them. The remainder will try various antidepressants/antipsychotics (shrinks call mood stabilizers) and anticonvulsants to find they only get worse. That is because they don't need medication rather they need to consult a psychologist and get to the root of their problem/s and learn life strategies/tools to cope with or overcome certain lifestyle or psychological situations. The problem is that GPs and psychiatrists tell them that all depression is a biochemical imbalance and it is simply not true.

  Because you suffer from epilepsy your depression would very likely be biochemical due to the interruption to normal neurotransmission by the seizure activity. This happens even when you are not displaying any seizure-like symptoms as there are often small electrical seizures occuring intermittently. It has been proven that people who suffer from temporal lobe epilepsy have a higher than average incidence of moderate to severe depression. 

  If you would like more information on anything I've mentioned just post questions. I will provide references for the same. I am writing a book for laypeople and professionals on depression. I have done a great deal of research and I am still finding more new information. I have more access to information than the general public as I work for the health department .

  I was lucky to escape with my life and my mind after ten years of psychiatric treatment .I was unfortunately given Zoloft by my GP in 1996 for 'mild' depression and became suicidal within 7 days. The medication was not stopped but doubled , others added and then I was hospitalised and given ECT. This beautiful scenario continued for another nine years and after countless cocktails of medications , a hundred rounds of ECT

and I ended up obese, with hypothyroidism (from the meds) and unable to string a sentence together.     

   Finally in the middle of a holiday in 2004  I decided to tip the Clozapine down the toilet and begin weaning all of the other meds slowly. I lost 40kg in 8 mths, regained insight and clarity of thought and set about writing a page long list of goals. The doctors scoffed at me telling me I was being 'too ambitious'. I made them eat those words. By July 2006 I was off all medication. The psychiatrist tried to tell me that there was a 70% chance of 'relapse'. I laughed and said ,"relapse of what ?". I had been given the diagnoses of depression , psychotic depression ; bipolar disorder , schizophrenia;major depression and schizoaffective disorder with borderline personality and obsessional traits ! I'm sure that if I had continued to go along with what they were telling me they could have completely exhausted the DSMIV of  all possible diagnoses. All they were seeing as symptoms were the effects of the drugs they were feeding me. No one out of six psychiatrists who treated me had the brains to consider stopping all medications to see what was really going on underneath the confusing mask of medication.

   All of that aside I do understand what it feels like to be depressed and lose your independence ( on more than one level). Try to consult a psychologist also rather than just treating the symptoms with medication. Your depression is multi faceted. You are likely to be greiving for the loss of your health , mobility and independance on top of the biochemical disturbance. A good psychologist will help to learn to deal with how all of this is affecting you and develop some strategies to deal with ongoing problems and any new ones that appear. I'm sorry to say psychiatrists are rarely prepared to talk to you about anything more than how to adjust the medications. They don't offer you practical strategies like a psychologist. The role of psychiatrists has deteriorated to psychopharmacology. Freud and Jung would turning in their graves.

  I live in Sydney and I am a paediatric critical care nurse. If would like to email me personally just let me know or if not that's ok too.Take care and remember that being comfortable with who you are is far more important than what other people think.

Cheers,  Donna.

Thank you so much for your encouraging words.  Grief counseling definately sounds like something he needs, although a family member suggested that to him soon after his wife passed away and he thought they were wrong, so I don't want to be the one to "rock the boat" sort of speak. 

He did manage to go out shopping for specific items over the past 3 days, once by himself, so I know he is trying very hard and that's something he hasn't done for years.

Thanks