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Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

Number of Replies: 845
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:08:39 am
Author : dataimport
What is the best way to support those you love who are coping with depression or grieving a loss? Post your tips and share support with others.

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March 2, 2008, 10:36 am CST

Gods love

Quote From: littletlo

I could not agree more. i am actually more spiritual than religious for reasons you have given. This world and the bible is filled with interpretaions and madness preaching even another interpretaion is just a man with a mike telling us what God wants. Soon the money pot is passed and stares and sermons guilt you into buying your way into heaven or a  new car for the preacher!  

   

Wow! I am bitter today! Sorry! I just know that God creates us and this world (if we allow) make his creation a mistake. Those who use the bible to justify their judgement and hate are who claim to to be chrisitians the most while sinning by judging as if they deserve none of the same.. Not all are my description, certainly. But those who lack compasion for those with a life of cruelty and consider it a choice convince me the strongest of all are those who fight to be themselves unafraid of the judgement they must face.  

I think that we are all precious to the almighty father.  I believe love is never wrong, but the expression of that love can be. Hence, two same sex individuals loving and sharing a life together is not wrong, but being sexually active within that context is a sin.  We have watered down the "sin" factor of so many activities in society today.  Our only purpose on this planet is to give him pleasure, and I doubt he finds pleasure in the abomination of sexual activity (a specifically designed anatomical correct activity reserved for the marital bed).  If you read and believe the bible to be the inspired truth of God, one does not pick and choose which sections are subject to interpretation.  We all have crosses to bear, and I know without doubt the heavenly father tests us, and as Job did,  was subject to almost every tribulation.  I think that being "gay" is just another cross.  We have a choice, we can succumb to behavior that boasts of carnal and base instincts, or elevate ourselves to more pure spiritual level.  Sacrifice is also something the world does not take to well.  It is ashame, many would not be stuck with horrific diseases if they played by Gods rules.
 
March 6, 2008, 4:27 am CST

GRIEVING AND NEED OUTSIDE SUPPORT

Quote From: jeannie454

  Hi! I lost my Mom on Sept.6,2005 

we did not know she was sick, One day I'm having a cut of tea with her and the next day she was gone, 

  I miss her so much ,we were best friends,I cry all the time,I only think of Mom. 

I forget to pay a lot of bills because Mom  is the only thing I think about. 

some time I wish I can go where she is. 

but I have a husband and a daughter. 

Please help me with this. 

I live in florida 

  

Jeannie 

Hi Jeannie, My name is Sheila, 41 yrs. old, from south Alabama.  First, I am sorry for your loss as well.  I am with you all the way on the loss of our mothers.  I lost my mom on, Feb. 18, 2005.  My mom battled colo-rectal cancer for 3 1/2 yrs.  Even though we knew she was going to pass close to the end, you can still never prepare yourself for the upcoming loss of a loved one.  I fight depression and grief everyday/night of my life.  Our little immediate family has scattered since my mom passed.  My dad met this nurse who is 4 yrs. older than me.  The nurse took care of my mom the last 30 days of her life.  Since my mother's death, my dad continued to see this nurse and this past Nov. 2007, they got married.  My sister has gotten caught up in occasional drugs (crack) and drinks heavily at times.  My sister and I have not spoke in about a year.  I don't even know where or how to find her.  My 2 grown boys live 45 mins. from me, and I don't get to see them that often.  I do have a 6 yr. old daughter and a wonderful husband, who is very supportive.  I had major back surgery 6 mos. ago, have insomnia since the surgery, on morphine, and very depressed.  Since Christmas, 2007 up to 6 weeks after.  I have unintended weight loss (That's great)!  I went from a size 8 to a 4 in less than 6 wks.  A part of me feels like it's grievance, or am I following in my mom's footsteps.  My mom had drastic, unintended weight loss too, right before she found out she had colo-rectal cancer.  I'm too afraid to get it checked out.  I know, I should, but don't have the strength or want, to do it.  My main concern, is my grieving and depression seems to get worse, rather than better.  I thought it was getting easier to deal with as time went by, but now, it's done a complete reversal.  I need help and support myself.    Please, give me your imput.  What part of Florida are you in?  I'm in Gulf Shores, AL.  Love to hear from you.  Thanks for listening.              Sheila
 
March 7, 2008, 8:19 pm CST

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: lulu_marie

My brother-in-law began taking Chantix 11-07,started losing weight,tingling in fingers and toes,drepressed,with anxious feelings about his health.  He went back to physician and was taken off his celibrex. Was told he was just having panic attacks,was not taken off his Chantix.  This man was a very happily married my of 40 years with Grandchildren. He had not ,had anything happen to him to which he would have had a reason for what occurred.  On 1-3-08 he got ready for work,kissed his wife goodbye,finished loading his vending van with frozen food and walked into his garage and shot himself with a 20 gauge shotgun.  You have to understand, this is the most traumatic,horrific thing that has ever happen in all of our lives !!!  I need help trying to help my sister get through this,as she found her husband when she came home for lunch. I"m not sure how or what to do.  I am so afraid for her.  PLEASE HELP US ! ! !

 Dear Lulu Marie,

 

 That is so sad. Your sister needs good counselling and may need it for some time. A psychologist  not a psychiatrist  would be beneficial. She must feel devastated and angry at losing her husband for no logical reason. This is just another fine example of the dangers of these drugs. Shrinks think that it is reasonable to risk this type of outcome to feel marginally 'better'. I would be angry at he pharmaceutical company that produced Chantix and the doctor who was not bright enough to look for a safe alternative to drugs.

   Simply talking regularly to a person and getting them out of their home exercising or involved in interesting activities can be enough to defeat depression. Instead doctors who are ill informed by drug companies believe they can 'fix' this problem with these drugs. They work for less than 50% of people who take them.All forms of depression are not simple biochemical disturbance. They have proven that the same group of people taking these drugs who supossedly respond well would respond just the same to a placebo.

  I'm so sorry for your loss and from nothing more than the negligent behaviour of the psychiatric fraternity and their off siders the drug companies. I'm certain your brother -in-law would still be here today had he not been given Chantix it has been associated with many suicides. Would you take an antibiotic or pain killer that could possible lead to suicide ? Yet the medical fraternity expects we should not blame their drugs it is always the patient's 'depression' which is blamed as the cause of suicide. Suicide is not a typical or normal part of depression and we should not be accepting this. When you don't bother to look for a root cause for depression you only mask the problem or worse still make a patient so agitated that suicidal ideation begins. How many more people have to die before we rise up against the psychiatrists and drug companies ?

 
March 14, 2008, 4:33 am CDT

My sons rapist was released next door 20-30 ft from us

My 9 now 10 yr old son was raped by our teen 13-14 yr old neighbor.  Pinned down raped and threatened to slit his throat if he told.  We reported it. The rapist admitted to doing it 2x.  My son, ourselves found out really quickly that the Victim has no rights.  Although he was charged with the max of First degree felony...he has never been in jail. NOPE HE WAS RELEASED RIGHT NEXT DOOR... NY law requires that he get counseling or rehablitation so he is 20-30 ft from us wandering around free.  My son is terrified, crying a lot, not eating well, missing school from breakdowns.  We need to move to a new home , relocate asap so my son can feel safe and begin the healing process.  He can't do that when he is crossing paths with, seeing his rapist walk free every day.  His trust, confidence is crushed from being raped and now the police, the system... is crushing him more.  He won't sleep in his rm, it has 3 windows that look right into the rapist rm, the house , the window of where he was raped.  I'm posting this on the message board... PLEASE PUT YOURSELF IN OUR SHOES....IF IT WERE YOUR CHILD.  We have put every thing into this home with plans to make good memories for our son, and reitre here.  My husband is miliatary and has 5yrs left to go...... we have no back up.  This teen has destroyed my son's life forever, he's destroyed us financially......... I need help getting us into a new home so my son can start the healing process.  "if its happening now we need to deal with it now"   WELL ITS HAPPENING NOW... AND IF WE DON'T MOVE NOW, SOME MIRACLE MAJOR HELP NOW.......... PLEASE HELP ME.  PLEASE HELP ME GET Dr. Phil's attention.......
 
March 20, 2008, 4:25 pm CDT

Depressed

I thought I would try this  because I need to talk to someone .My husband of 17 years has cicchosis of the liver and hepitis c !! This is from a lot of drinking and drug use in his teen years. We have two children , 13 & 16  and I am worried how this will effict them. The Doctor said he might have five years if he is lucky!! He can"t work and we have no Insurance and got a foreclouser notice in the mail today!!! I am a verry religous person and pray constantly. Talking I hope will help. I have sighned up for Oprah"s big Give  but not heard anything , butI still hope she will answere my e mail, I have even ask some of our big corprations one of which my husband has worked for (Danny Lipford ON The Today Show) , I emailed them asking if they had a program  that could help. Any thoughts or incouring info will be greatly taken to heart.
 
March 20, 2008, 10:34 pm CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: laura_30

Hello,Im new and want to say hello,My name is Laura Im 29 with 2 kids,I have been taking Lexapro for over a year now,for slight depression and panic attacks,I don have the panic attacks any more but sometimes feel down and drained.I guess it dont help me that, Im in a relationship that is not so good,as far as connecting with each other,sometimes I feel like he dont love me or wants to really be with me,so feeling like this is one thing that depresses me,im also over weight,I have no job and depended one my boyfriend for everything right now.I often feel lost in my life and scared of being on my own.Most days I dont feel like doing much but watching t.v,of being on the computer,house work comes last most days and most of the time I talk myself out of doing it.Im a mess and I know it,I want to find myself again and be happy.

 

Laura

Dear Laura,

 

   I empathize that you feel bad but you and only you can change it at all. You might pray a thousand times a  day that you will be saved from misery but that won't work either. I am not a christian but I believe the universe wills us all to take the reins of our own lives. The depression and anxiety attacks are symptoms of a bigger problem that you have yet to discover and acknowledge.Lexapro might have made you feel slightly better initially but it isn't working for you anymore is it? Medications are bandaid solutions to psychological distress. Without looking into what has happened in your past to lead you to this point and behaviours.

   You would be better served seeing psychologist without prescribing rights. They are likely to teach you practical methods of handling your immediate problems without just medicating them out of consciousness. Try exercise and I mean vigorous exercise.You need to be sweating and unable to speak in sentences for at least 30 mins a day. Start off small and increase it over time. The chemicals your brain releases from exercise are called Endorphins. They are hundreds of times more important and powerful than any other chemical in the brain. I'll bet your prescribing Dr told you that you felt depressed because your brain wasn't producing enough serotonin ? Wrong. If that were actually true wouldn't Lexapro make you feel on top of the world again?  Exercise , plenty of water to drink , a sensible diet of white meats (fish/chicken) small amount of red meat , two serves of fruit a day and five servings (ie five different vegetables) per day; will be far more effective in elevating your mood and losing weight.

   You need to get this aspect under control before you can gain enough perspective to address your relationship and parenting issues. Remember as Dr Phil has often cited 'you are writing on the slate board that is your children's personality , values and morals from the day they are born'. If they only see you miserable and not coping with everyday life situations they will adopt those same maladaptive strategies when faced with the same situations in their lives. They will also remember that ,'Mum didn't really do anything with us when we were kids because she was had no energy from being overweight and that made her depressed and anxious and then we felt guilty that we caused it all to happen.' Again as Dr Phil has quoted in the past kids have an uncanny ability to take the negatives in their paren't's  lives and feel that it is their fault. When this happens thay grow up insecure and self loath. That is how depression and anxiety follows family trees it has nothing to do with genetics.

   If you can't find it within yourself to get real help and put in place the suggested strategies above for yourself then do it for your children. They are suffering more than you are or ever will. they don't have a choice in any of this you do.

 

 

Good luck.

 
March 21, 2008, 12:44 pm CDT

TRYING TO FIGHT DEPRESSION

             i HAVE BEEN FIGHTING DEPRESSION AS A RESULT OF LEAVING A VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.  I AM READING POSITIVE THINKING BOOKS AND TRYING TO FOCUS ON MYSELF, RATHER THAN THE MAN I LEFT.  I THINK IT IS GOOD TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS AND IF  YOU NEED TO RELEASE THE ANGER AND HURT IT HELPS.  I TAKE LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH AND TH AT SEEMS TO HELP.  YOU CAN SCREAM YOUR HEAD OFF AND NO ONE WILL HEAR YOU.   I AM ENJOYING WATCHING DR. PHIL AND OPRAH AND ANY OTHER SHOW I WANT.  I WASN'T ALLOWED TO WATCH THOSE PROGRAMS BEFORE.  IT HELPS ME TO READ THESE MESSAGE BOARDS ALSO.
 
March 23, 2008, 1:04 pm CDT

My heart goes out to you.

Quote From: nana_poot2

I thought I would try this  because I need to talk to someone .My husband of 17 years has cicchosis of the liver and hepitis c !! This is from a lot of drinking and drug use in his teen years. We have two children , 13 & 16  and I am worried how this will effict them. The Doctor said he might have five years if he is lucky!! He can"t work and we have no Insurance and got a foreclouser notice in the mail today!!! I am a verry religous person and pray constantly. Talking I hope will help. I have sighned up for Oprah"s big Give  but not heard anything , butI still hope she will answere my e mail, I have even ask some of our big corprations one of which my husband has worked for (Danny Lipford ON The Today Show) , I emailed them asking if they had a program  that could help. Any thoughts or incouring info will be greatly taken to heart.

For the past  few months my husband health has gone down hill. When I noiticed that his hearing  was gone I thought to myself  how would cummunicate with him. After  while his I started to noiticed that he was not remebering anything at all. We have filed for ssi,but,we haven"t heard anything yet. I wished that they would hurry up,and, tell us something of what they are going to do.

 
March 24, 2008, 11:16 am CDT

Need help with depressed husband.

Hi all,

 

I've been with my husband for the last 10 years and he's always been moody and occassionally difficult... but I love him anyway.   However, we just purchased a new home in a new state (we are from Maryland, but since real estate is so expensive for first homebuyers, we bought a house in West Virginia - very near Maryland, but the property values/taxes are about 1/3 what they cost in Maryland).   

 

This apparently triggered a very bad reaction in my husband.   He is from a close knit family of five children - all of which have bought homes within 5 miles of their parents.   They are all grown (he is the baby of the family - his next to oldest brother is 10 years older than him).    Even though we are only an hour and a half away, it is a huge culture shock for him.     

 

This area is far more rural than what he is  used to.   He is used to the Baltimore/Washington Metroplex, where shopping, restaurants, movie theaters, etc. are on every street corner.   In WV, it is much quieter, even though we are very close to urban centers like Frederick, Hagerstown, Charles Town, Winchester.  Though it is a 1/2  hour drive, not a 5 minute drive. 

 

It frustrates me because it was his idea to move out there to begin with...  He wanted a larger house, and the only way we could afford it was to buy in the outskirts.   I don't think he thought it through, however I supported his idea.   I'm happy and getting adjusted to the new location, but he is miserable.  

 

He had to switch jobs, and his home, and move away from his family.   No doubt, a difficult transistion.   However, the reaction he is having is far beyond a reaction to stress and transition.  

 

I'm afraid he is severly depressed.   No, I know  he is.   He talks about how he is a failure and how he hates it there and hates himself and how he hates his job (his new one isn't what he was expecting at all).   He lashes out at me and says I don't understand, along with other meaner, angry things... and then the next day apologizes for being so harsh.  

 

It is really worrying me because he is starting to talk about suicide.   I suggest, and then plead with him to talk to somebody, but he argues he can't take off work (he is working 10-12 hours a day, 5-6 days a week at a job he's only been at for a month - and that's okay by his work because he's salary), nor would he even seek help if he had the time.  

 

I'm worried because he needs a job to be able to afford the house payments and other bills (he took off 2 months when we moved - leaving me to be the only income, which caused us to become behind on bills which we haven't even caught up on when he talks about quitting again!)      

 

He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child (he claims he was patient zero), and was (according to him) a test subject on dosing of Ritalin.   I don't know if  "overdosing" on Ritalin can cause adult emotional disorders like depression, panic attacks, anxiety... he is still very "hyperactive" and impulsive, suffers from sleep disturbances (insomnia and nightmares), and has difficulty with (what he calls) competitiveness. 

 

He is brilliant, and can get straight A's when it counts, but he seems to never feel like he's achieved anything.  He starts and never finishes projects.   He's also hurt himself (hitting himself in the face or smashing his face against a hard surface), when he gets really upset.   He thinks he is ugly (he is not).  

 

It is very overwhelming for me.   To some degree, he's always been like this... not really bad... every once in a while under extreme distress.   But now, everything is happening all at once, constantly.      I don't know what to do..  I ask him to go get help.   I listen to him and attempt to comfort him (sometimes I try to "ignore" him when he starts acting 'badly' because it almost seems he is seeking a reaction from me).  

 

I just wanted to get it out there, maybe get some ideas on how to coax him into talking to a professional. 

 

What can I do to make things better? 

 
March 27, 2008, 8:18 pm CDT

exhausted? that's ok. Take a break.

I have depression & I thought I'd offer a bit of advice to friends and family of anyone with depression.

 

    If you are trying to help someone who is depressed, please keep in mind that obsessive behavior goes hand-in-hand with depression and the person you're trying to help may start leaning on you way too much. Please know that it's ok to take a step back and take a break from it. Just be very clear with the person you're helping or they'll start obsessing over the idea that maybe you don't like them anymore.

I have a unique viewpoint in that I'm depressed and also helping a friend with more severe depression than I have. I have to be very careful that she doesn't start bringing me down too when she's in black moods or obsessing about some guy at the grocery store that she likes. And visa versa when I get hung up over problems with my family. 

We both established early on in our friendship that we would take breaks from each other and that would be ok. It's been working great so far. (fingers crossed)

 

 

 
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