(I did post this previously on another board, realizing it was the wrong one because someone would possibly respong negatively to said language inside this...i just need some form of support)
I lived in a small town up in West Texas, notice how i said lived, with my mother, brother and his fiance and two dogs. For quite some time we'd get along, and i know we all had some sort of mental problem that most times would put us nose to nose, or in some cases fist to face. My brother and myself are 5 years apart, and i love him dearly, yet even with help and family support he turned to heavy drugs and he's stick thin, having back problems and when he gets angry now he can get homicidally violent. It scares me, yet my mother lets it roll off and his fiance can only watch. Next comes his fiance, which eerily at one time was my girlfriend...she's like me, but about 80 pounds lighter, better outlook on life and is bipolar/scitzo. With her and him together, they love one another, but when they fight i want to just leave because one or the other, sometimes both, will drag me into the bullshit and it's just ANOTHER problem i have to deal with. I hate the little bitch, and yes i said hate, i trusted her and adored her to death until one day i was outside with her brothers and the kids from the roomates, playing around...well one of the boys pulled something off their motor bike and i needed to get a bit of help. I went inside, pulled my brother out the door and asked if he could help. Well nearly not 20 minutes later i come back in and i hear her and her mother talking...these are the exact words..."Yeah, was talking to him about dinner and the little fucking bitch just comes inside in that nasty ass dress she's wearing and pulls hims out. I don't care if he's her brother, she should have asked at least before yanking him out the goddamn door." Her mother saw me and i knew because she hadn't said anything was because i was there, I turn around to leave and i hear my brother's fiance say something to the tune of 'yeah why don't you leave you fat bitch before i give you another dose of what you need'...it hurt and that's the one thing i can't roll off. If she becomes part of the family it'll break my brother and me apart. How he could tell me i shouldn't have pulled her away when we ALWAYS have had an unspoken request to each other since I was born, it just amazes me. He's going to end up picking the woman over me, over his own family, and a already dysfunctional family will bite the dust. Just another statistic i should say.
Then comes my mother, she's sweet, funloving, compassionate and gets walked on constantly by men. The last few boyfriends i have had to explain things to them that if they did end up walking on her i would knock their ugly asses on the ground. Two ended up in the ground, the other in jail. The one she has now adores her, will do anything for her and i'm happy. Yet she's still depressive, still cries when i mention things about my grandmother who died in 2004 from lung cancer. In ways we're alike, others we're polar opposites. I adore my mother but the sad thing is we can only stand to be around each other for various periods of time or we fight, bicker and i hate it.
Then there is me. I am a 21 year old with severe depression and bi-polar(supposed to be the worse stage as there is two stages)...i've been used, abused, raped, molested and it's a wonder I haven't just fled the country...or the worst thing to say, killed myself. It's went through my mind, they're trying to help me but the saddest part is I can get the help but NOTHING is getting through to my emotions/mentality. It's like i can hear, nod, speak and talk but after it's all said and done I literally just seem to fade out, go back into myself. I cry constantly, i crave attention, yet i'm so scared to be touched by people, whether i know/love them or not. I would love to see if Dr Phil could help me but how one would get on the show i cannot possibly do. Financial strain for me has reached it's limit. I'm on the verge of being kicked out of where i live, and now i live in a town where i know only one person and i doubt they'd let me live with them. The show wants a recent picture, i'm so afraid of cameras, they want a video..again, another damn camera and it's supposed to have the explanation and ways i deal with things. How i could deal with things could scare people, I am a former, and now current cutter. I know I need help but will it take nearly killing myself to get it through my thick skull that my life needs to turn around before it's really too late?
What should a young person like myself with so many problems, some that have scarred me emotionally and possibly can't be reversed or continually lived with, and a family that's breaking apart, do before it honestly is too late? Would the rest of you recommend local help which is doing nothing, or possibly trying to get Dr Phil's attention which would still take an act of congress...and even if i could, what if he was too late too?
Take a deep breath and know that each of us at one time or another have been where you are. I used to be angry for awhile, and then learned that it was because I was frustrated with an angry world all the time. But I can't change anyone, but I can change myself. Lower my expectations to a more manageable level and create short term goals instead of huge ones that will never get met. It made a world of difference.
