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Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

Number of Replies: 845
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:08:39 am
Author : dataimport
What is the best way to support those you love who are coping with depression or grieving a loss? Post your tips and share support with others.

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September 21, 2008, 4:16 am CDT

GIVING MORAL SUPPORT

When someone is DEPRESSED you need to reach out and be a good listener. Some people lock up their HURT for so long they become INSECURE about themselves. They question themselves about doing anything in their LIFE that will turn out be a FAILURE. They look at LIFE in a different way than you look at it...they start feeling that no one will accept them if the share how DESPERATE they feel and people will JUDGE them. They might think people will look at their DEPRESSION as mental illness. DEPRESSION may cause some people to become JEALOUS of someone who is HAPPY because they are always so SAD. In order for them to want to share their feelings they need to TRUST that person not to repeat anything that is SHARED. The DEPRESSED PERSON is always worried that someone will look at them differently if they share what they are really thinking...like knowing they are not like anyone..they rather see it rain than the sun shining..they rather stay in bed with the covers over their head then dealing with their problems..they don't feel comfortable with the way they look so they will not want to be around people...they become more DEPRESSED the more time they stay home ALONE..they are uncomfortable around people because they don't want anyone to see their PAIN...they feel like they have no reason to smile...they finally get so DEPRESSED that they don't take care about taking care of themselves or care about cleaning the place they live in..they finally get to the point they have NOTHING TO LIVE FOR.
HOW DO I KNOW ALL THIS...my MOTHER was the DEPRESSED PERSON who went through all the stages I mentioned.
If we could all reach out to the person who is dealing with DEPRESSION they will have a chance of not getting to the last phase of their LIFE feeling they have NO REASON TO LIVE. GIVE THEM A REASON TO LIVE! TAKE TIME to be a FRIEND. It will give them a reason to SMILE again!
 
September 25, 2008, 6:52 am CDT

wow

i dont even know if im in the right place here with my type of problem..but here goes anyway :(

where do i start..so much has gone bad in my life...just like alot of people on here i guess.

well 5 years ago..my dad a vietnam vet killed himself...its been a long road..but im kinda ok about that now? i think? anyhow thats not what im here about..i have been married for 20 years..its like ive woken up one morning and felt like i just cant be married to this man anymore...a man that hasnt said he loves me in over 5 years...im just not in love anymore i feel nothing towards him except that he is like a close friend...i want to end it with him...but i just dont know how? im not the kind of person who likes to hurt anyone,so im finding it very hard to get this out and tell him..he has been a great provider as in money...a good dad to our 4 kids{aged 16-18-20-22} the youngest my daughter} i dont want to hurt them either....i have to end this as i have fallen in love with a wonderful man,and in my heart i know this is so wrong :( and cant stand it anymore..i have to tell my husband its over..but how? im so scared he will flip out...as he does this. my husband finds it so hard to love me,never really can recall any kind of love from him...i look back and try find those happy moments but i cant see them,every baby i had i never got i love you nothing..always remember feeling quite alone at those times...hardly ever recieved a card from him on those special days like birthday annaversary ect or a gift{ but the gift isnt what i worry about}i had a breakdown once as i was abused as a child,i was for a short time on drugs,got myself off them with no help...and instead of him saying im proud you did that...i got.."if you ever do that again,i will f**kin shoot you" nice hey? ive never forgotten that... we hardly have sex maybe once month if lucky and now hardly ever...ive stopped to tell you the truth as i just dont love him...last time i slept with him..i cried ..he never asked me why i was crying not once...so now i  just dont go there...so many things and so unhappy i could go on and on as you can see...please someone out there ..please understand what im going through...i have noone to talk to as you can tell by me raving on about this...im slowly going nuts i think? i want to go away in 2 weeks to think about what i need in my life...i know i deserved to be loved right? is it to much to ask for this 2 weeks..oh hang on im asking him good god! i shouldnt have to do that right? who knows...????? arrrrrrg! im so confused????????????

 
October 14, 2008, 7:53 pm CDT

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: my_ohmy

i dont even know if im in the right place here with my type of problem..but here goes anyway :(

where do i start..so much has gone bad in my life...just like alot of people on here i guess.

well 5 years ago..my dad a vietnam vet killed himself...its been a long road..but im kinda ok about that now? i think? anyhow thats not what im here about..i have been married for 20 years..its like ive woken up one morning and felt like i just cant be married to this man anymore...a man that hasnt said he loves me in over 5 years...im just not in love anymore i feel nothing towards him except that he is like a close friend...i want to end it with him...but i just dont know how? im not the kind of person who likes to hurt anyone,so im finding it very hard to get this out and tell him..he has been a great provider as in money...a good dad to our 4 kidsaged 16-18-20-22 the youngest my daughter i dont want to hurt them either....i have to end this as i have fallen in love with a wonderful man,and in my heart i know this is so wrong :( and cant stand it anymore..i have to tell my husband its over..but how? im so scared he will flip out...as he does this. my husband finds it so hard to love me,never really can recall any kind of love from him...i look back and try find those happy moments but i cant see them,every baby i had i never got i love you nothing..always remember feeling quite alone at those times...hardly ever recieved a card from him on those special days like birthday annaversary ect or a gift but the gift isnt what i worry abouti had a breakdown once as i was abused as a child,i was for a short time on drugs,got myself off them with no help...and instead of him saying im proud you did that...i got.."if you ever do that again,i will f**kin shoot you" nice hey? ive never forgotten that... we hardly have sex maybe once month if lucky and now hardly ever...ive stopped to tell you the truth as i just dont love him...last time i slept with him..i cried ..he never asked me why i was crying not once...so now i  just dont go there...so many things and so unhappy i could go on and on as you can see...please someone out there ..please understand what im going through...i have noone to talk to as you can tell by me raving on about this...im slowly going nuts i think? i want to go away in 2 weeks to think about what i need in my life...i know i deserved to be loved right? is it to much to ask for this 2 weeks..oh hang on im asking him good god! i shouldnt have to do that right? who knows...????? arrrrrrg! im so confused????????????

Hi,

It's okay not to be okay. Suicide is a hard thing to cope with for anyone. It hurts, a lot.. and as much as for yourself personally being able to get over it, you can to a certain point where you learn to accept that it has happened etc, you never truly get over it. I mean how can you? suicide doesn't just effect the person committing it, but it effects the family and friends left behind. It's selfish. The most incredibly selfish thing to happen, yet there are people everyday out there doing it, but maybe having someone to talk to (a counselor) about the things and feelings you feel will help. People say to look at the good memories you had with that person, but I don't get it. Like I do get it. But, it's hard. How can you think of the good times, when all you have is this horrible time playing over and over in your head? So it is more than okay not to be okay. Be angry. Be annoyed. Be pissed off. Be upset. Cry, scream, yell. Do something!

My dad committed suicide nearly 10 years ago when I was just 8 years old... I felt lost, I felt hurt, I felt betrayed, I felt angry, I felt a lot of things, but I never realised how much I actually felt them until a few years later when I was diagnosed with depression. So maybe, for yourself, you feel like your husband doesn't love you, because how could he when your father who was supposed to love you and care for you, took away his own life? how can anyone love you when he did this? but the answer is, you can be loved, and absolutely everyone deserves to be loved. So if you're finding yourself, not in love with your husband anymore, then you need to do what is best for you, and in the long run your family too. No children want their parents to be together just for the sake of them (no matter how much it hurts - no matter how much they actually want their parents together).

So you need to sit down, and just tell him how you're feeling, get things out in the open - communicate. Because everyone deserves to be happy, and you are clearly not happy with your life. Also you will find that ones you get things out in the open (feelings and all) you will start to understand a bit more. Although I myself at times never know how I feel, so I think, how can I tell others how I feel when I don't even know myself?

I really do hope things get better for you. I'm not going to say that things will be okay in the long run, because that isn't how you feel right now, and that isn't what you want to hear. But I will say I hope things get much better than they are.
 
November 2, 2008, 5:58 pm CST

hopeless to death

I am near the point of emotionally breaking down. I am just like a sponge absorbing all this pain and nothing squeezes out. I have felt very hopeless to the point where i would lay in the woods just waiting to starve to death while yelling at God. I know alot is my fault but my mistakes are routed from issues that are not my fault. I need help but my job and ambition crumbles shortley and then there is no help. i look at what i want out of life and it is being stolen because i don't have a way to grow and deal with my problems. i feel like just walking until i vanish this life because i'm just a bother for my family and it seems like i'm becoming a ghost any way. My suicide is half hearted but i know if i don't find help i won't become the man i want to be and i may get worse and end up hopeless then desperate on the street and eventually dead.

 
November 2, 2008, 9:05 pm CST

Peace within one self...

Quote From: shadesofblue1

I am near the point of emotionally breaking down. I am just like a sponge absorbing all this pain and nothing squeezes out. I have felt very hopeless to the point where i would lay in the woods just waiting to starve to death while yelling at God. I know alot is my fault but my mistakes are routed from issues that are not my fault. I need help but my job and ambition crumbles shortley and then there is no help. i look at what i want out of life and it is being stolen because i don't have a way to grow and deal with my problems. i feel like just walking until i vanish this life because i'm just a bother for my family and it seems like i'm becoming a ghost any way. My suicide is half hearted but i know if i don't find help i won't become the man i want to be and i may get worse and end up hopeless then desperate on the street and eventually dead.

Take a deep breath and know that each of us at one time or another have been where you are. I used to be angry  for awhile, and then learned that it was because I was frustrated with an angry world all the time. But I can't change anyone, but I can change myself. Lower my expectations to a more manageable level and create short term goals instead of huge ones that will never get met. It made a world of difference.

Life is too damn short to be angry all the time, and as you get older time passes to damn fast...*S* One day at time...it will get you through each day alot more calmer than you know....*S*

I wish you well..and know that you are not alone in this frustrating world. You can only live one day at a time, and only deal with one problem at a time. Being overwhelmed will chew you up and spit you out if you don;t learn to take a deep breath once in awhile....*S*

~Namaste~( We are All Relate)

 
November 2, 2008, 9:08 pm CST

I am not angry...it just emoted that...*S*

Quote From: wolfweeps

Take a deep breath and know that each of us at one time or another have been where you are. I used to be angry  for awhile, and then learned that it was because I was frustrated with an angry world all the time. But I can't change anyone, but I can change myself. Lower my expectations to a more manageable level and create short term goals instead of huge ones that will never get met. It made a world of difference.

Life is too damn short to be angry all the time, and as you get older time passes to damn fast...*S* One day at time...it will get you through each day alot more calmer than you know....*S*

I wish you well..and know that you are not alone in this frustrating world. You can only live one day at a time, and only deal with one problem at a time. Being overwhelmed will chew you up and spit you out if you don;t learn to take a deep breath once in awhile....*S*

Namaste( We are All Relate)

Sorry about the emote status...apparently it took a life of its own...Just hopeful...*S*

Take care...*S*

 
November 3, 2008, 4:03 pm CST

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: wolfweeps

Take a deep breath and know that each of us at one time or another have been where you are. I used to be angry  for awhile, and then learned that it was because I was frustrated with an angry world all the time. But I can't change anyone, but I can change myself. Lower my expectations to a more manageable level and create short term goals instead of huge ones that will never get met. It made a world of difference.

Life is too damn short to be angry all the time, and as you get older time passes to damn fast...*S* One day at time...it will get you through each day alot more calmer than you know....*S*

I wish you well..and know that you are not alone in this frustrating world. You can only live one day at a time, and only deal with one problem at a time. Being overwhelmed will chew you up and spit you out if you don;t learn to take a deep breath once in awhile....*S*

Namaste( We are All Relate)

thank you i guess i needed to hear someone that listens because i am looking at life in a very scarey and hopeless way. I see all of this bad and i bothers me and the fact that i want to help but i can barely help myself. One day at a time is right and that is what i'm trying to do. Thanks god bless you

 
November 17, 2008, 2:11 pm CST

Need financial help

 

I am married and with the ecomony the way it is we are really stressed. We are behind in our rent and our utilities are cut off. We live in an area that does not have any jobs available. The temporary employment agencies do not have any job available. So my question is where can we find help? Please help us. We are not the only ones in financial need. So stress is affecting our health. We do not have health insurance, we go th agencies to get help and we are told there is no help available. Please help. Thank you for your wonderful show that I do listen to everyday. You keep me going with my head held high.

 
December 7, 2008, 1:33 pm CST

Supporting someone you love that has commitment issues and current family turmoil.

I'm confused on how best to handle a series of difficult situations that are affecting my future and that of someone I love deeply.  I'm very logical, almost to a flaw as at times emotions take a back seat to the logic for me. Like the Doc I'm very blunt and straight forward which many can't handle. My background is I'm a deeply psychological and spiratual person that deconstructs things and wants to fix everything wrong with people and the world. I suppose this may make me at times seem overbearing.

Anyhow the short of my story is I was engaged to someone that had fear of commitment and hid it for 2.5 years even from herself. Then when she finally wavered this October she cheated on me with a man from her place of employment. Being lied to and confused for several weeks my lifes compass was broke and I had some dark times. I pushed through and continued to talk and persue her as I knew something wasn't right and she was lying and running for some reason. Eventually she admitted she is sabotaging things as an easy way out.

In the middle of all this her sisters house in Texas was burned down by a teenager to profess his love for a jealous girl. Furthermore her Mother has a history of bad relationships including with the current husband, which is possibly coming to a head at this point as well. And her true "Father" is a man that ran out early on, leaving her with feelings of rejection and fear of losing the men in her life. So needless to say she is overwhelmed. Even despite all this we still we tried to give things another shot. It lasted a week and she then finds her Mothers relationship and need for support as a good excuse to run and break up again.

I love this woman enough to let her go, though deep down I obviously want it to work out.
All of her support system was elated to find we were giving it another shot and they like me alot. I feel this limits her options for support because she doesn't want to hear how nice I am etc...
She has said deep down she knows im right for her and she wants to be with me forever but it scares her and she's not sure why. She also has the said family turmoil to work on.

Where do I come in, and what should I do if anything? I'm still hurt from the cheating and lies but I'm very resilient and I have deconstructed why she did these things. I forgive her, she was repeating her cycle of life...all she knew at the time. Logic wise the WHY is easy and I've told her what I thought as to why she has those feelings. Emotion wise beating this stuff is anything BUT easy of course. I don't want to be overbearing, but I still want to support her. Even if that means losing her as we once were and becoming friends.

I can elaborate if needed but this is the crux of my dillema and I'd love to hear others input.


Thanks!
 
December 13, 2008, 8:10 pm CST

Giving and Receiving Support

I lost my husband by suicide 6 years ago, and now my father died this past week. I could never find the closure I needed until I was asked to read a letter I wrote to my father at his vigil and  again asked at his funeral. It appeared writing wasn't enough for me with my husband.  I needed people to acknowledge that they heard me. I felt deeply that I had something to offer, like I believe we all do. Whatever it is  that you deeply feel is your closure, pursue it to the end. Here is my personal letter. I know you have yours.   

 

Dear Dad,
Your illness has been a full and long journey of ups and downs.  But, in the last days of your life, caring for you alongside your sons, I knew you were giving us a gift.  The task to some would be more than they could bare, but being the man and father you have been, even with your trying and ornery side, I would not trade it for anything.  I feel privileged and blessed to have served you.
My first memories of you were me in a beautiful yellow dress you had dressed me in around 11pm New Years Eve, my birthday.  You left Frank and Delia's party to come get me to call in the new year.  Thank you for thinking of me.  It was one of many times.


It was probably one of the last dresses on me for a very long time since I grew up with five older brothers.  I'm sorry I broke Sean's pinkie, and stuck a knife in Jimmy's hand….and almost gave him lock jaw.  We  were close, though it doesn't sound like it now.  Jimmy still brought me under the kitchen table to eat sugar and drink coffee. And, Sean still brought me up to the playground to make him a better soccer player. Little did he know, he would make me a star. It’s a good thing the other brothers were a little older or God knows what would of happened to them.  But nevertheless, like the song says, I will survive and I did.  You once again saw me in a dress, except this time it was a mini skirt.  I could still hear your voice as Laurie, Alex, Rebecca, Carol, or others friends and I would skittle down the stairs quickly….to get out of the house.


Dad, I have a lot of joy in my heart from our growing up years.  There are some priceless memories with the McManus's and Kennedy's,  but  as crazy a family as we were at times,  it's probably best we didn't know that we were….cause like the saying goes, God only holds you accountable for what you know.
I know you were comforted with Sister Kathleen's presence with you during this time. She has been such a support to mom and a joy for us to have here…… It was a blessing for your sister Marsha and her daughter Kathy to come and say their goodbyes to you.  It meant so much to Marsha.  We all know by the smile in your eyes when seeing her again, it meant everything to you.  Marsha told us so many stories of her brave and protective big brother.  She loved and adored you Dad.  And just like her, I love and adore your sons,…..my brothers.  I know them more than they think I do.  I love each of them for who they are.  I can see you in all of them: Billy,the servant; Richy, the compassionate one; Chucky, the hard-working businessman; Sean, the enduring architect; and Jimmy, the peacemaker. It was a beautiful sight to see them surrounding you with care and love. Billy would swing you here and swing you there to make sure you had ultimate comfort.


Your wife, our mother, she is the epitome of patience.  She loves to live but she loved you.  I must say, when the going got tough, she got tougher.  I know it must have been a little scary when she overdosed you. It was on the job training and It was still all good when you came through.  It must have been a sight to see Mom, Delia and Sister Kathleen holding you down until the Fire Dept. came.  Thank God, God  is still in charge.  I know you are proud of her. I know you are proud of your sons.  And, I know you are proud of me.


I thank you Dad for giving of yourself wholeheartedly.  It didn't matter what you did.  You did it with your whole heart.  From the littlest task to any large one……For that matter, even smoking.  Marsha asked me where in the basement you sat when you would talk with her over the phone.  I think she was a little shocked by the visual. I said to her," Marsha, over there by the furnace--smoking--near the oxygen tank."…..  It's Ok  Dad, we are all still here, even the neighbors.  If they only knew.  You truly taught us so much by the way you did things. Everything was priceless by the time it was done. I want to thank you for being the father you were to me.  Not perfect,…..but definitely solid.  And, such a gracious grandpa to my children.   They love you and will miss you.


As hard as it is-----it's time to say goodbye.----In those last moments of your life when I said to you, " go on home with God, Dad." …….You stared at mom….. It is important you know she received it. Her eyes were locked on you. The silent finality was hard……. But you suffered too long.  The courage you showed was as a true officer and gentleman-- and I expect you to save me a dance in Heaven.  You were so handsome, and boy did I love dancing with you.  But now that……. you have taken God's hand,  I will trade in my grief for God's joy knowing that you are safe with Him.


Oh…. one last thing Dad. There is no smoking in heaven. I don't think it’s a good idea to ask God for a smoking section. However; your own parking space might be a go. After all, God is good.


I love you,
Your daughter Catherine

 
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