I lost my husband by suicide 6 years ago, and now my father died this past week. I could never find the closure I needed until I was asked to read a letter I wrote to my father at his vigil and again asked at his funeral. It appeared writing wasn't enough for me with my husband. I needed people to acknowledge that they heard me. I felt deeply that I had something to offer, like I believe we all do. Whatever it is that you deeply feel is your closure, pursue it to the end. Here is my personal letter. I know you have yours.
Dear Dad,
Your illness has been a full and long journey of ups and downs. But, in the last days of your life, caring for you alongside your sons, I knew you were giving us a gift. The task to some would be more than they could bare, but being the man and father you have been, even with your trying and ornery side, I would not trade it for anything. I feel privileged and blessed to have served you.
My first memories of you were me in a beautiful yellow dress you had dressed me in around 11pm New Years Eve, my birthday. You left Frank and Delia's party to come get me to call in the new year. Thank you for thinking of me. It was one of many times.
It was probably one of the last dresses on me for a very long time since I grew up with five older brothers. I'm sorry I broke Sean's pinkie, and stuck a knife in Jimmy's hand….and almost gave him lock jaw. We were close, though it doesn't sound like it now. Jimmy still brought me under the kitchen table to eat sugar and drink coffee. And, Sean still brought me up to the playground to make him a better soccer player. Little did he know, he would make me a star. It’s a good thing the other brothers were a little older or God knows what would of happened to them. But nevertheless, like the song says, I will survive and I did. You once again saw me in a dress, except this time it was a mini skirt. I could still hear your voice as Laurie, Alex, Rebecca, Carol, or others friends and I would skittle down the stairs quickly….to get out of the house.
Dad, I have a lot of joy in my heart from our growing up years. There are some priceless memories with the McManus's and Kennedy's, but as crazy a family as we were at times, it's probably best we didn't know that we were….cause like the saying goes, God only holds you accountable for what you know.
I know you were comforted with Sister Kathleen's presence with you during this time. She has been such a support to mom and a joy for us to have here…… It was a blessing for your sister Marsha and her daughter Kathy to come and say their goodbyes to you. It meant so much to Marsha. We all know by the smile in your eyes when seeing her again, it meant everything to you. Marsha told us so many stories of her brave and protective big brother. She loved and adored you Dad. And just like her, I love and adore your sons,…..my brothers. I know them more than they think I do. I love each of them for who they are. I can see you in all of them: Billy,the servant; Richy, the compassionate one; Chucky, the hard-working businessman; Sean, the enduring architect; and Jimmy, the peacemaker. It was a beautiful sight to see them surrounding you with care and love. Billy would swing you here and swing you there to make sure you had ultimate comfort.
Your wife, our mother, she is the epitome of patience. She loves to live but she loved you. I must say, when the going got tough, she got tougher. I know it must have been a little scary when she overdosed you. It was on the job training and It was still all good when you came through. It must have been a sight to see Mom, Delia and Sister Kathleen holding you down until the Fire Dept. came. Thank God, God is still in charge. I know you are proud of her. I know you are proud of your sons. And, I know you are proud of me.
I thank you Dad for giving of yourself wholeheartedly. It didn't matter what you did. You did it with your whole heart. From the littlest task to any large one……For that matter, even smoking. Marsha asked me where in the basement you sat when you would talk with her over the phone. I think she was a little shocked by the visual. I said to her," Marsha, over there by the furnace--smoking--near the oxygen tank."….. It's Ok Dad, we are all still here, even the neighbors. If they only knew. You truly taught us so much by the way you did things. Everything was priceless by the time it was done. I want to thank you for being the father you were to me. Not perfect,…..but definitely solid. And, such a gracious grandpa to my children. They love you and will miss you.
As hard as it is-----it's time to say goodbye.----In those last moments of your life when I said to you, " go on home with God, Dad." …….You stared at mom….. It is important you know she received it. Her eyes were locked on you. The silent finality was hard……. But you suffered too long. The courage you showed was as a true officer and gentleman-- and I expect you to save me a dance in Heaven. You were so handsome, and boy did I love dancing with you. But now that……. you have taken God's hand, I will trade in my grief for God's joy knowing that you are safe with Him.
Oh…. one last thing Dad. There is no smoking in heaven. I don't think it’s a good idea to ask God for a smoking section. However; your own parking space might be a go. After all, God is good.
I love you,
Your daughter Catherine
Take a deep breath and know that each of us at one time or another have been where you are. I used to be angry for awhile, and then learned that it was because I was frustrated with an angry world all the time. But I can't change anyone, but I can change myself. Lower my expectations to a more manageable level and create short term goals instead of huge ones that will never get met. It made a world of difference.
