Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

It was no problem telling you my story.  It's just when I was reading your story I was like, "I am going through the same thing, exactly!"  I do have to share something else with you.  When I was working yesterday at my job, I got a flashback of that day before my grandpa died and it really made me feel sad.  Anyway, I am happy that I could relate to you.  And it was not problem at all.  *Andrea*

 Thank you, yeah i know alot about flashbacks one day when i was marching in band i starte to move to position and i looked up in to that stands and it was like he was right there. I was soo nervous bout marching in the next game and i told my band teacher that i didn't wanna march he told me i had to face my fear and if i didn't march i would be out the rest of the season i wa ssoo mad @ him at the time 4 not understanding later i realized he did it for my own good. So thats one of my expirences with flashbacks. Thank you for shareing with me. hope you have a good day ~Buffy~

I tried to post and it didnt go through. I spent like two hours writing what I wanted to say. It seems like a lot of that happens. I used to be a really positive person even though bad things kept happening like every single car I have ever owned breaking down and one even breaking down on an anniversary trip. I am not sure that I believe in curses and am not sure that it is negative energy either.

 

Here is my dilemna. I have to interact with my family in order to maintain a relationship with my father who is ill. My Dad is a great Dad and my best friend. He has trouble with his memory now after a stroke and was diagnosed with dementia. His eyesight is also failing so he has trouble sometimes. He worked his whole life and cares only for his family's well-being and this happened just when he was going to retire and enjoy himself. He is young still, only 65. I worry about him and my mother dying constantly. I also worry about my family putting my Dad in a rest home. My Mom threatens that especially when she is angry. I take care of my Dad just fine and would never put him in one of those places. I moved down the street from my birthhome and my parents house with my husband last year. I have tried to get along with other members of my family in different ways but nothing works, it only comes back to negativity. It has always been drama and I am very sick of it, yet it still affects me. My marriage has always been rocky (my husband abandoned and lied to me and forced me to leave my house for 8 months and go to a different coast almost two years ago), but my husband has a point when he says he feels used. My Mom makes comments like "I don't need you guys anymore, I have your sister".  If we make her mad by trying to have boundaries.

 

Whenever I try to relax, bad things happen, really. Today my husband came in and told me that a kitten we were feeding was dead in the parking lot of our apartment. I am devastated because I was going to call a rescue group and try to find a home for him/her and his/her siblings and mother. The kitten appeared fine and was playing with his/her sibling in the sunshine and now is no more. I feel so badly because I am all about helping animals and I feel like I could have saved the little guy/girl. There was no sign of injury. I have five indoor cats of my own and live in a studio. I rescued them all from different places.

 

A week ago we tried to rescue a baby bird that was on a bush being stalked by a cat while its parents called out in distress from the powerlines above. The baby flew into the busy street and then we manages to herd it up to a nearby tree and felt a little relief when a cat swooped in and grabbed it, breaking its neck and eating it. I felt like maybe we shouldn't have interferred, that we tired it out. 

 

I wonder why all of this happens and how I can feel less sad and hopeless. My husband complains constantly about everything but doesn't have any solutions except move away. That is not an option because I cannot leave my Dad and I will not abandon him. I am thankful that he is here and for every single day we spend together. I am really sad about choices I make because they seem like the right ones at the time and then things turn out very wrong like with the bird and the kitten. I have a university degree but not a decent job. I have a high IQ but apparently bad judgement. I try to help others my whole life and really love and care about animals. I don't know what to do to get out of this funky cycle we are in or what this is all supposed to teach us. I look at others and feel fortunate for some things, but my husband insists that we must have been like Hitler in a past life we have such bad luck, and I can't say I disagree. Thanks for listening............

Hi!

 

I can relate to your concerns. I don't think you're "hexed," since reasonable people have cars break down, and some have spouses that aren't always supportive, too.

 

My Mom is in your position, but unlike you, she has Parkinson's Disease. My Dad has a mild case of Altzheimer's, or "dementia," which I think are related. I live far away from my parents; I live on the West Coast, and my folks live on the East Coast, but I visit, usually two to three weeks, when I'm available, once a year. I can cook, read to them, and clean the house during my visits. My siblings are all married, with growing children, and spare some time to visit my parents, too. I'm a single, retired, man, but I'm busy with volunteer activities in my community, and have other committments throughout the year.

 

There's worry that's unreasonable--based on shame or fears that aren't real or even reasonable, and worry that's reasonable--concerns based on real events in one's life. A parent suffering from a disease that's incurable is a real event. So you're OK with any worry concerning your father's health. Don't allow your Father's illness and the fears concerning this to circle or cycle into unreasonable places, like feeling hopeless over the "little problems" day-to-day. 

 

I trust you take care of you, too. A caretaker isn't a caretaker unless his or her needs are met--make sure you take time to service and troubleshoot the car, to go to the theatre or a ball game with your spouse, get the hairdo you like, go out with the girls, and have a relaxing massage once in a while. Be good to yourself, and gentle with yourself and those around you. Staying focused on another person's illness without time out for yourself leaves much to be desired. Balance your time--you are worth every minute away from your Dad. Your Dad will appreciate a daughter who's refreshed, clear minded, and focused. Your attitude towards you matters immeasurably here. Stay positive, move away from invalid past (and present) worries, and remain calm, relaxed, and firm.

 

Easy sounding--but it may take work on your part. I'm here to support, as I have felt intense concerns about my own parents, who are struggling to live in their home of nearly 30 years. They have been husband and wife for nearly 60 years.

 

Mohabee

I am new to this bord and I am looking for support, I am having problem my, mom died in on may 22 I always wish that she hadn't died it still hurts a lot because she hasn't been gone very long I know that it is going to be hard when that holidays come because this will be the first time with out her, plus I wont have a family at all to celebrate with this year because I am not speaking to my Father at all I am afraid of him. he started to change when mom died. first he started to talk about my chest then he asked me to sleep with him and that scarred me to the point that I started to cry. I left home and have only been gone for 4 weeks this sat I went home with some friend and got almost everything out of the house. that I could I wasn't about to go their a lone I was to afraid. he started to come into my work and it would upset me plus ever time I would see him I would have someone stand buy me then when I would get off at night I would have a manager walk me out to my car because I didn't feel safe. I am living with some friends.  my roommate and I are looking for a house and the hard thing about that is that we have dogs, 2 apiece and no one wants to rent to people that have 4 dogs. 

  

Sara 

 Hi i know how you feel with looseing someone special in your life I lost my grandfather in 2003 and i still haven't gotten over it but i am doing a lot better here are some of the things that have helped me: Write a letter to him, makeing a scrapbook,just rembering the good time , my family at home and on this web site, and my theripest.  Maybe someting out of this list will help you also everyone on these boards are so nice and very helpful if you need to talk i am here for you. hope you have a good day ~Buffy~ 

This is my first night on the message boards. I have lived with my parents and maternal grandparents for most of my life. I am now 28 years old. My Grandpa and I rarely got along, until a year ago when he really changed after having a stroke. After 8 months of getting to know my Gramps and making amends my Gramps ended up in the hospital after recieving 2 emergency brain surgeries in 2 days. He had fallen because of a blood clot in his brain.  Forty-two days later, we brought him home to pass away. He never really woke up. We have some great memories while in the hospital with him. I don't care what the dr's say, I know he knew we were there and he communicated with us.  

  

He passed away June 6, 2005. I was standing next to his bed. I seen him take his last breath. I miss that man so much. I am the 3rd oldest grandchild, so I had 28 years with that man. None of the problems we had before than really matter. I miss him so much that now, I am on medical leave from work for anxiety and stress. I already suffered from severe depression, but now it is so much worse. I still leave in the same house with my parents and Grams. I expect to see him or hear his walker going down the hall. I miss his teasing so much. I miss him. He was such a great man. I have heard this gets easier, but I wish it was sooner than later.  

  

I am so glad to have found this message board knowing that others know how I feel. Thank you all that have shared your stories. <wiping tears> I look forward to the day when it is easier, but knowing there are others who know what it is like makes it a little easier. Thank you! 

  

Millymae  

  

  

Hi I'm a huge fan of Dr Phil and figured I'd come see what the site was about. I don't know if there are others from Australia that come here but I am looking for support. I find it hard asking for help but prefer to give than recieve.  

I was diagnosed when I was 16 years old (now 25) and most people around me think I should be "over it". I'm anxious posting where I dont know anyone but then I've been anxious & down since Thursday morning when my stepdad left us - just another nail into my coffin of depression :( he never said goodbye to me or say he'd be in touch. It was just like "losing" my "father" all over again. All I've been able to do is cry or avoid talking about it. Dunno if this is the sort of stuff I'm supposed to talk about here but I'm always willing to listen to anyone. 

                                cheers sumasky 

Hi, I'm glad you posted about your helping elderly parents.  I was wondering if anyone else was struggling with this.  I mean, I know a lot of people deal with how to help their parents, but some days it gets to be too much for me and I feel guilty or weak because it is so difficult.   

  

I feel like I am grieving for them before they are even gone, but I know it is coming.  It seems like little by little I am watching them leave me and I feel so sad.  The dumb thing is I don't feel bad about losing the person I see now, weak, unhappy, confused, and totally dependent on others, but I am grieving the person who they once were.  That person is already gone.  

  

And dealing with other family members who are so busy in their own lives that they can't bother to help, is so frustrating.  There are days when I get so angry that I never want to speak to them again when this is all over.    

There are a few of us Aussies here and everyone here is lovely, willing to help and listen. They would have carted me off ages ago if it wasn't for the friends I have here. They aren't just friends, they are as close as family some closer. 

Most people who don't understand depression think you should just get over it. Or it is a terrible mental illness. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain controlled by the right meds. 

I have genetic clinical depression and I am stuck with mine. Mostly it is manageable on a low dose med and not a problem until the last few years. This board kept me sane until I was back on track. 

I am loved, encouraged and welcome here as are you. So stay awhile. 

Hugs, 

Karen.