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Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

Number of Replies: 878
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:08:39 am
Author : dataimport
What is the best way to support those you love who are coping with depression or grieving a loss? Post your tips and share support with others.

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January 16, 2006, 7:56 pm PST

Hope this Helps

Quote From: automaton

Hello first time on this list.  I have found things extremely informative.  Here is my situation and I really am curious if anyone might have suggestions. 

  

We have two children and very little time for anything but the kids. The past few months my wife has alienated me to the point that she will not kiss me, hug me, or cuddle me.  She has realized she is suffering from depression and much to her credit has just started seeing a counselor.  I will be as well so I can work through some of my issues that have shown themselves lately.  I am extremely motivated and honorable to my wife and try to do as much as I can for her, i.e. watch the kids, clean the house, and I work Full Time as well as do side jobs within my trade to draw in extra cash.  I want the best for our children and my wife.  I try to be there through everything and anything that may arise for my wife.  The situation is this though.  She will not talk to me or show me any emotion.  I do not know much about Depression and I am now investigating it to educate myself of what she is going through.  She has told me that she needs to focus in on herself and her own problems and doesn't have time nor want to deal with me in anyway.  If I want a hug or want to sit with her, she moves away as if I am a porcupine.  My problem is kind of selfish I think.  Since she will not show me emotion or be close to me, I find that I am getting agitated and distraught.  I don't want to argue with her, but all I seem to do is start things.  She has been telling me things like I don't need to know everything she does or who she talks to.  She will not sit with me but the other day I saw her car at the coffee place and went to say hello when I walked into the empty coffee place to find her sitting on a small love seat with her coworker laughing as if she isn't depressed.  It agitated me.  Another time she would not talk to me I left and when I came in she was on the phone with her ex boyfriend of 6 yrs ago!  Again I became agitated and jealous.  I am increasingly feeling like she is pushing me away as well as her insisting for personal space  and it is effecting my emotions to the point that I am feeling like a wreck.  I feel like I lost my wife.  One thing I did was try to talk to friends but they all said she must be cheating.  I don't think she is, yet when she told me she went to coffee with a friend I found out later wasn't even in the state that day I started looking into this possibility.  I looked of her mobile phone records then discussed a number for her coworker that kept popping up over and over and over.  She says its just work related talk, but then I see them close on the couch closer then she will let me get and I became angry.  I don't want to lose my cool and I don't want to invade her privacy but I feel so far from her that I have become confused.  I cant even talk to her without her saying everything wrong is my fault.  

  

Sorry for the long post.  I just really want to know if this is normal or similar to most peoples experiences with a depressed spouse.  I don't like what I am turning into.  I don't want to be jealous and I don't want her to feel like she cant go out with friends places, but I acted like a dork when I came in and saw her next to her coworker.  I was steaming so I just grabbed a coffee and sat down for a second, she never got up, I had to sit in a chair while they sat together on the love seat, then I tried talking but I was starting to lose it, so I said well i don't want to interrupt anything and left.  I am not happy about my demeanor.  I am becoming a jealous spouse.   

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  I've battled depression on and off and I did push my then husband away but for reasons such as he was the main source of my depression.  He was an alcoholic/addict.  Everyone will have different responses to this, but I think she might be distancing herself for other reasons than depression.  Have you considered marriage counseling????  It sounds like you're well intentioned and heartsick over this matter.  Have you discussed the hurt you're feeling over the indifference she is showing for your feelings???   I sympathize with her depression, don't get me wrong.  It can be isolating that's for sure.  I don't want you jumping to conclusions, because how I might act and deal with my depression may well be totally different than someone else.  One more piece of advice.  Do you have hobbies or something you can do to get your mind off of this???  If you're anything like me, when you're worried, that's ALL you can focus on, but maybe if you back off of her a little and sort of let her come to you she just may.  Busy yourself for the time being.  There's no sense in worrying if she's doing this or that if there's no proof.  Just suggestions, take care
 
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January 16, 2006, 8:06 pm PST

reallylost, are you around?

I think about you every time I come to the message boards, and I'm a little worried that you haven't posted in almost a week.  I hope you're doing OK.  Stay in touch, there's people here who care about you. :) 

 
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January 16, 2006, 8:13 pm PST

to automoton [sp?]

Quote From: liz_marie

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  I've battled depression on and off and I did push my then husband away but for reasons such as he was the main source of my depression.  He was an alcoholic/addict.  Everyone will have different responses to this, but I think she might be distancing herself for other reasons than depression.  Have you considered marriage counseling????  It sounds like you're well intentioned and heartsick over this matter.  Have you discussed the hurt you're feeling over the indifference she is showing for your feelings???   I sympathize with her depression, don't get me wrong.  It can be isolating that's for sure.  I don't want you jumping to conclusions, because how I might act and deal with my depression may well be totally different than someone else.  One more piece of advice.  Do you have hobbies or something you can do to get your mind off of this???  If you're anything like me, when you're worried, that's ALL you can focus on, but maybe if you back off of her a little and sort of let her come to you she just may.  Busy yourself for the time being.  There's no sense in worrying if she's doing this or that if there's no proof.  Just suggestions, take care

i wasn't going to reply to your post, automoton, until i saw anne_marie's response [above].  why?  well, i also was feeling something way beyond depression going on her. 

  

no offense -- i support you in this troubled time -- i also feel like there are gaps in your version of the story. 

  

you use some legal-ese.  that made me wonder if you had consulted an attorney. am i way off base? 

  

ann_marie's suggestion of counseling -- together or separate -- is a great suggestion.  the big bald guy keeps saying that someone in the relationship has to be the "hero." so.. why can't it be you!? 

  

good luck and let us know how the both of you are doing. 

  

prof-de-rien 

 
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January 16, 2006, 8:25 pm PST

brain pharts

Quote From: profderien

i wasn't going to reply to your post, automoton, until i saw anne_marie's response [above.  why?  well, i also was feeling something way beyond depression going on her. 

  

no offense -- i support you in this troubled time -- i also feel like there are gaps in your version of the story. 

  

you use some legal-ese.  that made me wonder if you had consulted an attorney. am i way off base? 

  

ann_marie's suggestion of counseling -- together or separate -- is a great suggestion.  the big bald guy keeps saying that someone in the relationship has to be the "hero." so.. why can't it be you!? 

  

good luck and let us know how the both of you are doing. 

  

prof-de-rien 

sorry.  i really did just wake up from a 6 hour nap.  someone should take my keyboard away. 

  

the previous and strange post was a response to LIZ_marie's response to automAton...  

  

possibly the only thing worth retaining is a hope, automaton, that you  and your wife get help together and/or alone and that one of you steps up to serve as the relationship hero. 

 
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January 16, 2006, 11:07 pm PST

tkolmetz aka tammy

today, january 17 -- the dr. phil show includes a segment on asperger's.  i thought you might want to tape it? 

  

is mason doing well?  i hope so -- and i hope that you are getting at least some deserved rest for yourself. 

  

be well, 

profderien 

  

 
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January 17, 2006, 8:47 pm PST

compline lullaby

in conyers, georgia there is a small community of monks who, like most monks, work and pray hard.  they suffered a terrible fire last year and have had several deaths in their ranks but their faith doesn't waiver. 

  

i am not a catholic.  the whole idea of a enclave of superior men would normally be anathema to me... 

  

until i started vacationing with them!  i needed to come aside and rest awhile -- as the saying goes. 

i did it for 3 years and now can't because of physical limitations.  it is really hard on the body to do as they do -- everyday and forever.   also, the monks are now "discovered" for their fruitcake, bonsai, fudge, and whatnots -- it is increasingly hard to schedule time w/o belonging to a catholic group. like any community, they had their challenges recently, deaths,a massive fire, midst being so open to the world. 

  

i stayed a week each time.  i followed the monks' schedule, which is brutal at first, and then brilliant after the first 2 days.  whether to follow none, some, or all of the "hours" is totally up to the retreatant. 

  

no matter how the particular day had been, compline gave me inner peace.  i don't recall ever being read or sung to sleep as a kid.  and so it has fallen to these dear monks to sing me my first lullaby:  

  

save us from troubled, restless sleep 

from all ill dreams your children keep 

so calm our minds that fears may cease 

and rested bodies wake in peace 

  

[normally followed by a singing of psalm 142 

  

good night all y'all. 

profderien 

 
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January 18, 2006, 8:51 am PST

Tourettes

I am 17 years old and i live in Ontario. What i am writing has nothing to do with me it is about my friend. My friend has Tourettes but not bad. He is 16 . I think he has had tourettes for a few years but it is not bad. He did have it bad when he was younger. I watched the show about it and so i would like some more information about it and stuff so please help me. 

Write back please.  *April* 

 
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January 18, 2006, 8:49 pm PST

april

Quote From: april114

I am 17 years old and i live in Ontario. What i am writing has nothing to do with me it is about my friend. My friend has Tourettes but not bad. He is 16 . I think he has had tourettes for a few years but it is not bad. He did have it bad when he was younger. I watched the show about it and so i would like some more information about it and stuff so please help me. 

Write back please.  *April* 

hi april, 

  

you will probably receive more information if you go to the message board that was set up specifically for that show.  i hope you get the information you're seeking.  have you ever just asked your friend about it? 

  

take care, 

profderien 

 
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January 21, 2006, 10:28 pm PST

Missing someone right now

 Hey~
Worst thing ever happened! In October I lost my Grandpa( I am only 16 years old) her died in my livingroom but everytime I go into my livingroom I cant stop crying but u know I have to live in this house for another two years before I move out. He died of Alziehmer's, but he also had diabetes, and has had alot of health issues before. Anywayz so I cant stop thinking about him and this was in October! I cant forget him, but everyday living in his old house( We bought it from my grandma) brings back alot of old memories which make me very very depressed. what should I do?
 
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January 23, 2006, 6:38 am PST

Time

Quote From: boywatch22

 Hey
Worst thing ever happened! In October I lost my Grandpa( I am only 16 years old) her died in my livingroom but everytime I go into my livingroom I cant stop crying but u know I have to live in this house for another two years before I move out. He died of Alziehmer's, but he also had diabetes, and has had alot of health issues before. Anywayz so I cant stop thinking about him and this was in October! I cant forget him, but everyday living in his old house( We bought it from my grandma) brings back alot of old memories which make me very very depressed. what should I do?
I lost my mom 3 years ago and right after, I felt the same way. I didnt think I would ever feel better. I cried all the time and was so miserable and didnt think I would be able to live. People kept telling me that I would get better in time and I didnt believe them. I was sure I would be miserable forever. But it has gotten better. Finally, I can think about my mom and smile. I can remember fun times and good times and laugh. I can look at her things and be grateful I have them to look at and touch and bring back memories. I swear I didnt think I could ever get to this place but I have. Just get through it and time will make it better, I promise.
 
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