Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

For some reason this old message popped up on my screen the frist time I logged in. I hope if you do not read this response someone who needs to hear it does.   

God does not make mistakes. No one chooses to be an outcast from society and the family they wish to give pride. Even those called "gay" are a creation of God. The only "choice" (gay or straight) is to honor God's creation with dignity and honor and love towards another human being or desecrate it with judgement, hate and hypocracy. Those who sit in judgment based on "christianity" have a fluffy hypocritical pillow to soften the fall they will see is not quite as high as the skelatons piled in their own rightous closets.   

Those who preach, condemn and judge others, with  "how to"  get the heavenly pass into the blessed kingdom, are usually who we love the most or who we are convinced have the same judgment as God. How arrogant are those who use the bible to judge those who only dare to love.  

I am straight but have watched the suffering of those who were born with no choice. I  respect those who have honor and dignity within themselves. You can not change chromosones, you can change who you allow to be toxic while you live. I am certain your life has been filled with enough punishment for who you are. This world never lacks cruelty for those who feel deserving.   

I hope you find the respect for yourself that I have for you and the person you were created to be.  

My niece recently lost her husband and 3 youngest children in a tragic accident.  How do we as a family help her and my sister cope with this and how do we cope with it ourselves.  I don't know where to begin.    

Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  

I very much agree with the idea that it's like dealing with an alcoholic. That's what I was talking about when I said my husband had other issues or what ever I said I think it what something to that effect. I'm very glad to hear that your keeping a positive attitude. I've also been titled and thought I was a very optimistic person. It was'nt until I started the alpha stim that I realized how bad my depression and anxiety really was. I've taken various different kinds of antidepressants and antianxiety meds. I can't pin point the alpha stim; I'm a christian so I have to give God credit too. It has two ways in which it works they touch you with like electrode pens on muscles and then they put these things on your ear lobes and you just sit there for anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour. You don't feel anything right away and actually the part about putting it on my completly tight and sore back muscles does not seem to help my pain much, But I started notice a much more positive outlook within a week of my first treatment. I've been doing it now for about 3 months, and the difference in my out look is amazing. Even though I grew around a lot of abuse as far as my mother and all my 15 aunts both married and biological were all abused by their spouses. And every knew I would never be with a chemically dependent abusive husband but that's what I did. And I married him twice. He has many of the same characteristics that your wife seems to have. except he is about a foot taller than me and can be physically abusive as well. To our children as well. He also has had two back surgeries and is supposed to be having another soon. It's really bad timing for him that I'm getting mentally healthy now. Because now I have the strength to get my kids and I away from him.(lol) He does not know yet that I have started the paper work for a divorce but when I have a few other things in place and my big brother hear I'll tell him. That's why I asked what she was like before. When I first met my husband 16 years ago he was sober and wonderful. But since about 2 months before we first got married he started using and really has not changed since. Although I am a strong believer in marriage and my vows and promises to God as it sounds like you are too. I've spent 14 years hoping he would change back or trying to change him. But even with out the physical abuse and the emotional and mental abuse on my kids. The characteristics are not what I want my kids to follow or think it's okay to not keep a job or sleep whenever he wants or negative attitude it affects the kids so much it's amazing how much they are affected by it. I do believe that even if she can't do it for her self if she even tells herself that she has to try for her daughter that I would hope would be a good place to start. That was the only reason I kept pursuing help with my physical and mental health instead of just giving up. Have you tried the approach with her that she is being very detramentle to her daughter by not getting help? If you have and it has not got her going I would definetly get my child out of the everyday exposure. Maybe that would wake her up that she could actually lose any chance of a good relationship with her child. Have you tried any support groups of any kind? I used to attend a support group for parents. It did not have any other title. You did not have to be abusive or single or married or even have kids living with you. I got a lot of very good ideas about everything and anything there. Are you getting any counseling? I kinda think that a decision like the one your thinking about should be looked at from every angle. Right now one of the things I'm waiting for is to get a vehicle. Because if I tell him about the divorce now he will leave my and our kids without a vehicle and we live in rural countyland. But I do have counslers helping me. They really don't tell me anything that I don't already know but by having a few professional opinions it helps to let me know I'm doing the right thing. Hell even though I have had no replies to my message boards that I have put out. Just typing it out helps and responding to stories that I have had some experience in that helps also. Since I've been so impressed with this alpha stim thing I really hope it could help some one else. And I'm told that buying these alpha stim machines are fairly cheap and most insurances will pay for them. There around 400.00. If the person shows improvement in the medical office they will pay for them. Any way I'm sorry if I'm rambling I type sometimes like I talk. I hope I helped a little.  reply back if you like and I'll be adding you, your wife and well your family in my prayers. If I think of anything else that sound like it might be helpful I will message you back if you would'nt mind. And if your not religious at all tell me and I don't want to push my faith on anyone who does not want to hear(or read) it.  

bye for now 

Hello.  I am writing because I am having a hard time accepting my mother's disability.  She is 76 and I am 42 (youngest of four children).  She became disabled after falling last September.  The fall resulted in a brain injury.  She had successful surgery for that and was doing well in rehab, but after New Year's she got severe pneumonia and never really recovered.  Her mental status has greatly deteriorated since then.  She is now in a nursing home, and I feel that the medical establishment has given up on her.  I live 150 miles from the nursing home, but I go to visit twice each week.  I also handle her financial affairs and am in the process of selling the family home.   

This is tearing me up inside.  I have a really hard time accepting that she has to live out her days like this:  unable to converse, half-aware of her surroundings, completely incontinent, suffering from multiple opportunistic infections.  She is fed by tube because she refuses to eat enough to sustain herself.  I go to see her, talk to her, hold her hand, tell her I love her.  But I cry all the way home.  I can't sleep, and my work performance has suffered greatly.   I'm also afraid that this is affecting my marriage because I'm not really "there" for my husband.  

If she had died, she would be at peace.  If she had continued her recovery, she would by now be living in my home and I could help her.  But this slow, slow death is terrible to watch.  I cannot imagine what she must be going through.   

If anyone has lived, or is living, through this type of situation, can you help me?  Thank you.     

A tragedy of this magnitute is almost impossible for the rest of us to understand.  I think one thing you can do is respect that.  Your niece's world has been completely shattered, and it will take time for her to rebuild it.  Also, she won't be the same person that she was before.  This type of experience will have to alter her, and her family will need to respect that, too.  All you can really do is be close to her and help her as much as possible--in whatever way she thinks best.  The only real piece of advice I can offer is that I think you should try to respond to, rather than anticipate, her needs.  I think it would only add to her stress if she felt that others, no matter how well-meaning, were trying to tell her what or how to feel/act/need/want in her grief.  

I know it's not much, but I will pray for her.  

Thank you for you response.  That is exactly what we are doing.  It is what she wishes and needs that matters.  I know none of us will be the same because of this.  We are all just in a daze and wonder why things like this happen. 

Thanks again. 

Wow thanks for the additional personal input. I can relate to the achoholism parts of what you are telling me about for tw reasons. first my fathers alchohol issues was the demise of my parents marriage when i was maybe 3 or so. although because i was young i never remember them together. and eventually alchohol took my mothers life about 7 years ago. I will be looking into the alpha stim suggestion much more anything may help. The couple of issues that i need to address are as follows. weather it is alpha stim counsiling or some support groups, if she will not do them they can not help. support groups are really out of the question as she is very private and likely will not talk to strangers about her issues. she has seen a counciler some but again no real consistancey. we recently spoke about a psychyatrist instead as they can do more with meds but that has not happened as of yet. my plan at this point is as follows i want ot talk to my daughter and make sure she understands what i am planning so she is aware. i have told her i am working on a plan and now i think time to tell her what it is. then i think i am just going to write her a letter. i believe i can get more of my points across without argument and try to word things in a way that dont sound as much like alimatums although it really is a that point and set some deadlines of getting help or very consistant actions in the right direction. seems like the best i have right now. tell me one thing about your situation? tell me about that point and how you know it wa the time or the point of no return. nothing was going to help and different directionws was the way to go. its weird because i know if i had a friend tell me that if they felt the way i do i would tell them to get out its no good for the kid(s) but i do feel a responsability to help her and i do not really want to break that promise but enough is enough. 

as far as the religious question i have no problems with your beliefs. I to was raised catholic, however i am not much of a church going person. my beliefs at this point are as follows, to each their own, there does not seem to be one right answer, take what works for you , find your strength and gudence and use it to benefit yourself and those in your life the best you can. regardless of where that strength or belife come from it is something and works for you so use it. what works for you may not work for me and vice versa. so pray on and god bless! :-) 

I don't know about your husband,but,I, also had doubts about my husband's fidelity. Is this a "moment"issue or are you seriously sick of it? I used to be a strong woman, but,I lost my strength after 10 years of it. You have 2 children...you're lucky. I was always told by doc's. that I would die if I concieved. But, I did and I am a proud mom of a very healthy 7 year old. But, you know what? The look in my little girl's eye's when she seen me & daddy unhappy was the last straw!! Take a minute and truly look in your kid's eye's..you'll find the answer...          I Promise....  

Hi my name is Adel  

I just want to know if somebody ever heard about hypocondria?  

Thank you