Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

My grandmother died last year in May of a stroke. She was found face down on the ground by myself, we were living together at the time. I did everything in my power to help her but not knowing when she had the first stroke the doctors could not do anything for her. Six months after the funeral certain family members blamed me for her death by ignoring my existence or making life difficult to live and there were issues between me and those family members. I felt like I didn't get to grieve for my grandmother those six months and that the healing process didn't even start till Christmas after I moved away from family. I still find today that I am having grieving issues. is this normal? 

  

I dated a guy who was an alcoholic as well for 6 years; we were also engaged. Through those 6 years I was brought down emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. This relationship was very sick......we were best friends, yet we didn't help eachother get better. It was a viscious circle of chaos; pretending to have a perfect relationship, or I should say flat out.... "denial". Finally after six years & three of which were spent in Al-Anon.....I gained enough strength to move on. He took it very hard & tried for a couple of months to talk me into coming back to him. After finally realizing that I made up my mind for once (after many seperations) he finally let go. This was very hard on me as well, because I did love him (during that time) & thought for the longest time "he was the one". So I did have a period of time in which I grieved over that loss even though it was my will to do so. 

  

I have seen him since then, in the grocery store. It was approximately a couple years after we split up. It was a brief conversation, short & sweet. Of course it brought back all of the past memories......how could it not?.....at one point in time it was a long & meaningful relationship. But when I left him, I left him for a reason & that was because he was not going to change (stop drinking), our relationship was failing, & I needed to focus on getting myself better. And I needed to be away from him in order to do that. And when I finally did walk away, it was for good!!!! That doesn't mean that I don't have memories that I am allowed to remember, but my relationship with him is in the past & where it needs to stay. If for no other reason than the simple fact that I have a VERY loving relationship with my husband who has ALWAYS treated me with respect & love for who I am & is my best friend today. Also he is a loving & supportive father to our children. "I have ALL of my needs met today with the family I have & I feel complete with my family & do not need my past to be the present....ever again!"  

  

If this is how you feel with the family that you have today, then I would make the suggestion to sleep on it & consider maybe writing a letter to him to apologize for what ever you feel the need to, BUT DON"T SEND IT. The purpose is simply to come to terms with yourself, so that you can forgive yourself for any guilt that you may have. As far as him getting the apology, don't you think that he is grown enough to know that people lose touch & change throughout the years? I bet he has never said "she owes me an apology"....it was probably the oposite! But sending it to him, might start a relationship with him again against your initial motives. And this could pose as a problem, not only for him as you mentioned, but also for yourself & your own family. It is quite possible that after sleeping on it & thinking things through with a clear head for a couple days, that you might find that contacting him would be too great a risk & most of what you are experiencing right now is a lot of bottled up emotions. Face your emotions head on & sort through it all & come to terms on this issue with yourself prior to taking any actions.......in other words, don't act on impulse.  

  

I hope this helps! Good luck! And God Bless! 

I personally have never been blamed for anyones death; however I have had issues where family became divided by other experiences & due to my admission. It all happened over a serious issue & one of which that certain individuals wanted to just let it lie under the rug & pretend that the problem didn't exist; when others wanted to solve the problem & understood the importance of coming to terms with it all. Ultimately the family divided & became hateful toward each other (which I was to blame for) & still to this day "nothing" has been resolved the proper way & the tension is still in the air for certain individuals.  

  

For myself, I had to take care of "me". I had to come to terms with the issue in some way even though I couldn't bring my family to do the same. I removed myself from the harmful relationships & moved out of state. For me, this was the best thing that I could have done for myself.....the distance! This allowed me to not just get away from the chaos, but also to work through this issue on my terms & in my time. Mind you, this was a serious issue that took a few years for me to come to terms with....it didn't happen over night. But I learned that even family can be harmful people (unfortunately) & that it is ok for me to remove myself from these harmful people in order to live the full & happy life that I deserve & want.  

  

As far as grief is concerned, I guess I am understanding that it has been just a little over a year since your grandmothers death? If that is the case, then yes, this is very normal. Generally the hardest part of grief is through the first year; however, you don't just stop grieving once you've hit the one year mark.....grief continues, but lessens more & more as you work through your grief a little at a time. I am sure that you can look back & see a difference in yourself today compared to a year ago, or even maybe 6 months ago. But also you might want to consider that some of your grief might not be all in regards to your grandmother....but in regards to family members who you have lost through this ordeal & moved away from. Because that is also like grieving as well. Just wanted to point that out in case you hadn't thought of that....to identify your grief & each person individually.  

  

I hope this helps you! God Bless! 

I wasn't sure where to post this at. . . 

  

I am a 23-year-old third year college senior who is very unhappy about my life situation. I felt that I have setlled because I only applied here and I should have applied to other places especially to the Big Ten university back home. One of my friends who graduated from this rinky-dink university suggested that I come here since she said it was a "great " school and everything and that I needed to "grow into an independent woman leaving home", but I think she's wrong.  

  

Things aren't going the way I expected here and I had tried to leave out (transfer) last year but some people were telling me that I should stay here and "stick it out." I disagree because it's me who is going through this not them. I had some people ask me howcome I didn't go to the Big Ten university back home and I tell them that I needed to go somewhere else for a little while and each time they ask me that I feel like beating myself up for making such a bad decision. Even my family puts me down for the decision I made and my father really wanted me to attend the Big Ten university since he graduated from there and he tells me that I could get in easier since he is an alumn there.  

  

If I do transfer I would be happier and proud of my school rather than getting my degree here and being unhappy about it. So, please help me!! I am in the pursuit of my happiness and I can't get that here. Thanks for all of the advice! 

*1 More Yellow Ribbon*

On September 11, 2005 a new message board was established on drphil.com to SUPPORT OUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS in the military.

This is a forum for soldiers, their families other compassionate and concerned individuals for both mutual support and to talk about real things folks can do to help those who serve and protect.

Will you please join us? Who do you know that is in-harms-way? Tell us about them. We can do more to support our loved ones. We can make our voice heard and make their voices heard as well.

GO TO MESSAGE BOARDS page
CLICK BEYOND THE HEADLINES
CLICK News and Current Events
CLICK *1 More Yellow Ribbon*

Most Americans agree to support OUR TROOPS. That’s wonderful. But what does that mean? OUR TROOPS are individuals... every soldier is someone’s son or daughter. As we tie our yellow ribbons, let’s attach names to the sons and daughters collectively know as OUR TROOPS.

FAMILIES are also caught up in the war.

THIS WAR has hit our home. Our son Mike is in the desert. Until he returns safely the light on our patio shines day and night on a large AMERICAN FLAG tied with a YELLOW ribbon. We call it MIKE’S LIGHT.

Please light a lamp in your window or keep a porch light on, fly the flag proudly, and tie a yellow ribbon for those in harms way. We invite folks to post pictures of these tributes on the board.

What else can we do to support those who are sacrificing because of the war? Everyone can do SOMETHING. Please share your ideas.

When I asked our son what I could do for him, he said, “You speak for me!” Mike said I should tell people that each man and woman in the military has a job to do. They need the support of the American people to get the job done and come home!

Mike’s Mom

On August 13th I gave birth to my baby (prematurely due to an incompetent cervix).  He died 4-5 minutes after he was born.  This is the first time in my life that I've had to deal with a death.  I've taken it really hard, unlike my husband who seems to be dealing with it just fine.  Not to say that he isn't upset, but we've been handling this in different ways.  Has anyone else lost a child at birth?  How do you get past not being able to change what happened?  Any advice?

dear jules, 

  

i've not ever been in your situation and cannot know how you feel.  when i saw your post -- so calm and self-posessed -- something told me to respond.   

  

how your husband "seems" to be handling this tragedy may not represent his true internal state... just like your relative calm [on the page] may not show yours either.  maybe the death of your baby is a very private thing, something to be dealt with first in one's own heart before sharing the grief with anyone. 

  

the two of you, i'm sure, will turn to each other very soon. 

  

"how do you get past not being able to change what happened?"  i don't know.  the popular response will involve 'turning it over to god' -- but i just don't know and using god as just a place to deposit our disappointments and tragedies... well, i just don't know! 

  

many blessings to you and your family.  i hope someone who has shared your experience will reach out.  take care -- 

profderien 

i feel foolish.  [that's one of those clauses introducing "but..."] 

  

i feel foolish but i also think i'll feel better by venting, by giving voice to fear, however unfounded.  i'm 10 days out from a total shoulder replacement that went quite well.  i have some systemic diseases that have been tough on my health:  lupus, avn, and crps/rsd.  this was my third joint replacement, and my sixth orthopedic surgery -- so to have it go well was wonderful. 

  

for months prior i had been lethargic, inexplicably exhausted.  of course, i did explain it -- blaming the high pain levels, the drugs, the diseases.  i was drenched with sweats, ran a low grade fever. 

  

it only made sense that i'd be tired now, too -- but not more tired with each day.  my blood count on discharge was low enough that a transfusion was offered... but i wanted to go home! 

  

a few days aftercoming home from the surgery, i ran my hand over the shoulder area and felt a huge lump above the surgical site.  it was painful then [not now] and hard.  we marked the area with a pen and figured that it had to be a result of all the inflammation. 

  

last sunday night, i just freaked -- it was so big, it was so obviously wrong.  i called the surgeon's on-call service and they said -- so blithely -- that it "couldn't" be related to the surgery... so i called "my" doctor.  he did the logical thing and started an antibiotic. 

  

i gave it a few days -- it was a strong one -- but nothing changed.  so we went in to see one of his colleagues.  they drew blood to see how bad my anemia is and changed the antibiotic. 

  

you know the frustration of calling the doctor's office, being told someone will call, and then that not happening?  it is silly of me.  but this lump remains huge and solid and hard.  but i remain exhausted and only wanting to peck at food -- and drenched with sweat.   

  

my husband and i talked today and finally gave voice to our fear -- cancer.  sometimes the internet is a real curse.  the location of this node is "supraclavicular" and that, in itself ain't good. 

  

blah, blah, blah. 

  

thank you so much for letting me take up space here.  it's all going to resolve soon, i know. 

My family has a secrete and no one knows it not even our closest friends. my husband has been in this country since the age of 11 and he is now 26 from guatemala.he is an illegal. and we have three children.we both work and take care of ourselves. our problem is the fact we can not afford to pay for a lawyer and to pay our goverenment to make him legal.we can not get a loan to help, we can not even get life insurance. we know of many other people in this same situation in our area but no one seems to know how to fix this problem with out a good sum of money. I am in college now i am studding paralegal in hopes of one day going to law school to learn how to help people just like us(for little or no money). my hope is that someone out there in Dr. Phil land has some ADVICE.IF SO. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so on one called... we crashed the joint!  we got in to see one of my doctor's partners, an excellent physician, and he readily picked up on my fear of cancer.  i had an emergency CT done and then we drove through friday afternoon rush hour traffic, feeling exhausted and numb.  but the news is good!  although it is difficult for the radiologist to read the CT because of interference from my recent prosthesis, he feels it is a necrotizing lymph node.  a rotting lymph node?  well, as gross as that sounds, it is a heck of a lot better than cancer!  we still are going to watch, wait, and see.  my anemia hasn't improved one iota -- hgb is still 8.  anyway... i hope that is that...