I have alot of issues beginning from before I remember anything but bits & pieces; apparently I remember enough to know that I was abused, sexually, as a small child. I spent my sophomore yr of high school, 1/2 way thru taking care of my mother, which I honest to God do not resent, but apparently, my sister who is 18 mths older than me, has resolved her issues with my mother's care & death by the thought, given by "professionals" to realize the "guilt" I have. I ran away from home at the age of 16l Six mths after my mother's diagnosis - supposedly she would live 2-3 yrs, I knew, somehow, it would be a year; somehow I convinced myself she would not die if I was not there- she would wait for me; plus, to be honest the burden on me, as I have come to realize is alot for 16 (took me 30 plus yrs to acknowledge).
Guilt, my mother died and no one knew where I was, Red Cross could nt locate me - even though I was arrested more than once -- I was a hooker in NYC. Even ran into an old acquaintance, after I knew mom was dead, who with no feeling told me so. Two weeks after mom was buried, my "Pimp" called and found out, I spent the nite wandering the streets of NY.
I came home 3 mths later, after my "pimp" told me I killed my mother with worry.
At 16, I took care of my mother, did school work, and called for help rode to the hospital with her for months. But I should have done more.
Six months after mom died, 3 mths after I returned home, dad died frm a heart attack. Our last words were not friendly. I AM bothered because I really do not miss him.
I miss mom like hell!!!!
But thru the whole thing, thru it all, no one held me. When mom was diagnosed; when I came home; when dad died; no one held me, hugged me, held me close; comforted me. The most from anyone was an uncle who said call him if we needed money.
Thank the good lord above I am not what I am told I should be - drug addict whatever. I am told I am a survivor. My children, who do not know the WHOLE story, say I am so much different than my siblings. I am "successful" to anyone who knows a part of the story, the ones who only know the age when my parents left this world.
To me, I am not a success. I do feel guilt, not as much as before, I was given the opportunity to give what I was denied and that helped.
My biggest problem now, is the older I get the more alone I feel. I am divorced, I think it is truthfully a "black widow", a divorcee whose divorced husband dies -- it is unreal to me how unbelievable it is to those who were there. My ex's brother even said after the funeral, and i quote, "i have never seen and ex who has done so much or a mother who has been so supportive of her children". To me - it was a given.
Now I am starting to realize maybe I didn't learn the "right" things but the "wrong" ones (I've always been good @ that as is my son) -- I ALWAYS understand -- to the point any relationship I have - or try to have - I end up feeling like a fool cause NO ONE ELSE would have UNDERSTOOD - and I end up hurt because I am EXPECTED to understand to the point the most recent i screwed up royally and am waiting for the repurcussions on it! Somehow, I wish i had let it go, but oh, no, I spent 2 - mind you TWO nites - leaving ugly msgs ( don't even remember them, to be honest i went on a "binge" and sent 2 e-mails - don't even remember the msgs) but I feel so horrible. We had a date, in 'PERMANENT MARKER" for friiday nite, no one showed, no calls, would not answer the phone, went to his house, he met me at the door, said hello, i said "do i need to leave" he said "yes"; came home started caling - FINALLY SHE answered, he got on the phone and gave the 'ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK will explain later". Then for that nite & the next I left msgs, to be honest, so drunk don't remember what. But I am SO TIRED of being EXPECTED to understand, to be taken for granted. This is the first time it has been another woman but basically the same, always.
I feel guilty for what I did, feel should have left it alone & dealt with it later - but I am SO TIRED of being hurt and expected to accept it cause it was "good reason"; it would have been at most a 5 min phone call to say something came up will explain later - I could have acccepted that; or ANSWER THE ------ phone and say the same.
Why do I always end up like this? Was I truly only put here to help others and NEVER find happiness of my own? How do you be understanding and not a doormat?
