Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

I'm not sure how to put my feelings down right so it may be a little scattered. 

  I was recently engaged, congratulations right?  No, things were getting a little rough.  We were having so many problems and fights about nothing, literally.  He asked to postpone the wedding until we worked things out.  He's been divorced and has a child with his ex-wife.  He doesn't want the same thing to happen with us. I respect that really, I just got so excited and couldn't wait til my childhood dream wedding happened.  I've lost hope in getting married.  He doesn't make me feel like it will ever happen.  I've gotten so depressed lately and I feel like nothing I do is right for him.  I'm trying so hard so my wedding will happen and it seems like it's getting farther away. 

   I have been in his son's life since he was born.  He is now 19 months and a great kid.  Being a stepmom is extreamly hard and I don't know how to do it.  The boy seems like he resents me because mom and dad don't disipline him.  I know it's not my place to do that but he needs it sometimes.  He hits me, he won't let me hold him, he makes me feel like I'm a total bad person.  I've talked to my fiance (his dad) about this and it's almost like he doesn't care sometimes.  I have no idea what to do.  I don't want him to grow up thinking it's ok to hit me.  I need help.

  Another thing is that I want my own kids SO bad that I have become so jealous of the people around me that are pregnant.  His brother and wife just had their baby, my sister is pregnant, his 16 year old sister is pregnant, girls at work are getting married and having kids.  I want it so bad!!! People that don't want it are getting it and I can't?? I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but it's hard.  I cry everyday because my dreams are falling apart every day.  Why is it so hard for him to see these things?? I try to tell him my feelings and he makes me feel like I'm stupid for feeling this way. 

  I know you get a lot of mail, but I really need some advice.  I'm going insane and all I'm asking for is a family.  I was so close to having it, then he got cold feet and now it may never happen because he's to scared.   I keep giving him what he needs and ignoring my feelings.  I put on a happy face around him but when I'm alone my life falls apart.  I cry because I know what I want and I want it so bad.  I just want a family, my own.  I want my own kids, I love his son like he was my own, but it would just be different if I had my own.  PLEASE HELP ME!!!

I read your story and I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this.  Especially beginning at age 16, or thereabouts.  If I were to metaphorically give you feedback on what I have just seen, because it does paint a picture, it would be this.  It seems like you have this huge, enormous piece of luggage (baggage) bigger than a truck that you have forced yourself to lug behind you all of these years.  It gets bigger and bigger all the time.  It seems like you are tired of carying it, and ready to start to deal with it.  O.K. so first of all, I come here every day, most always.  Would you post for me the thing that bothers you most of all?  I see so much guilt, but what exactly is that big one?  This will be easier to deal with if we break the big bag into lots of very specific small bags than they will be much easier to manage and hopefully get rid of.

Please post back soon.

Thanks for caring enf to reply.  I don't know if people think it is a lie or what, I didn't tell my whole story but I did try counseling and when  I put my history in writing because I could not speak it, she cried when reading it, I think that did it for me.  I figured they had heard it all.  I keep being told I am a "survivor" -- I have a nice house I am buying a good job, WONDERFUL children, and a FEW friends, my criteria for "friend" is too hard for most to meet.  NONE, I repeat< NONE of my friends know my WHOLE story, and one or two have said the past doesn't matter, I believe to a degree it does because your past DOES make you who you are.

Before age 16 I was a very cold person, NOW I think I have too much empathy -- I have been told by professionals they have never seen anyone so able to put theirself in another's position. 

As far as my guilt, I think my BIGGEST guilt is not being there whn I should have most.  My guilt is as my sister said relieved her of alot was when her counselor (she's had alot) told her when she was so angry at me she needed to realize th guilt I had to carry the rest of my life. 

My BIGGEST burden, well, I'll shre with you a short version of where I am:  my mother got sick, no one held me, my mother had surgery-no one held me; mom died, I was not there but no one held me (the most I got was what sent me home when I was told 3 months later I killed her with worry); Dad died, no one held me.  Think all this would make me REALLY cold, and to some degree it does, but it has also made me very awre of others feelings & needs.

People walk all over me because I "understand".

You can hurt me over & over (emotionally) and I'll find a way to understand or make it my fault; the kink in it is, and I tell everyone up front, you hurt one of my children (biological or decided to adopt me & I agreed - or grandchildren), I'll be all over you like you never knew before & I'll be your worst nightmare -- no excuses no reasons.

People come to me with their problms, even @ work, guess cause I help in some way; I can put myself in their shoes. . . even when I try to disuss a problem whoever has their own & to me that is moer important. 

My problems aren't important, I guess I feel I can deal with anything; I've been asked when is my price paid for not being there for mom?  I don't know.  

I guess I cnnot remember the last time I felt loved, secure or safe by anyone but me and I can't seem to "trust" anyone enf to find a soft place to fall.  But I am so-o-o tired of fighting battles alone, so-o-o tired hurting, so-o-o-o tired of noone being there, and I don't know if its that I don't know how to let them or if mybe its just me.

Thanks for caring; sorry it took so long I have a REALLY crazy scdle

my friend told me today that i am negative and behave like a machine, she is right,i am emotionless now, my broken heart will never heal, i want to die more than i want to live.

do u know what i like?????

i like to hurt people emotionally, i didnot know this truth until today, because i hurt a person who really cares for me,i destroyed her life, i donot know what to do, i just wanna die.u know now how hurrible i am. i am so sad coz i was such a lovely girl,i like good things for people, i had never any intention to break other people's hearts,i would never do something like that.

i really need someone to help me,i need professional help, i need to see a therapist, but unfortunately, there is no therapist in my area,but i cannot believe that i am that bad.

u know? this person i am talking about was crying, what was i doing???? i hid a smile,( i cannot believe that it is me) i am not a bad person, i used to be kind,i used to care for people.

u know??? after all i stay and cry nearly every night.

something happened yesterday made me fine, my cousins were fighting, i had nothing to do except i interfered, he was so nervous and slaped me on the face, oh my god, i cried, i was happy and fine when i was crying because it had been few days that i didnot cry on, so i was fine coz i believe that crying get the bad emotions out of me.

if u have any advise for me, plz tell me how to love again after being hurt and with a broken heart

Hi,

    I have a few medical problems, I have grand mal epilepsy, a spinal injury and bone degenerating disease and an auto immune disease caused by my thyroid and not it's not catching, it's not hiv like a lot of people think as soon as I say an auto immune disease, but I have to be very careful not to get infections as they always get very bad and can cause some serious problems.  I also suffer depression and anxiety and post traumatic disorder, so I have a lot to cope with, but I am doing really well, I can't get around much, not allowed to drive and travelling is very painful for me, my wonderful husband is my full time carer and he is so caring, I have an 18 year old son who is studying to work with disabled kids, he has already learned sign language and loves his work and study, I am so proud of him after all he has had to put up with from me being so sick a lot of the time and I was in treatment for just over 2 years having to be away from him and he coped so well.

I  volunteer at our local hospital helping people who suffer wich chronic illnesses like me and depression and abuse as I also have had to endure.  But even though I am used to helping others, my nephew has had an accident and I am having serious trouble helping him as he is relying on me for support as I too have a spinal injury.

He was swimming with my son, he is only 22 and he jumped into a back yard pool, it is an in growned pool, 10 ft deep and has a diving board, he just jumped in but hit a lilo that was in the pool, he sunk straight to the bottom of the pool and hit his head, he floated upto the top of the pool and my son jumped in to check him out because he was laying face down.  Joel, my son asked him what was wrong and he just said to call an ambulance because he couldn't feel a thing.......

To cut a long story short, he has damaged his spine and neck in 4 places and has damaged his spinal chord which has left him a quadriplegic, it is so very hard to cope with and my son blames himself as it was his idea to go swimming i the first place, I am trying to help them both.  Peter, my nephew gets the nurses at his rehap hospital to ring me on speaker phone and he cries and tells me how hard it is to cope with but he is keeping a brave face for my sister, his mum and his dad as he doesn't want to upset them more.  So, he looks on me for support as I know what it's like to go through therapy and have been where he is, but I can use my arms, he can't,.   How on earth do I help him and what can I say to him except to work hard at therapy and give it all and never give up because you never know what might happen. 

I just need some support here as I am so upset about this, he is like my own son as he grew up with my own son and they are more like brothers, I love him dearly and feel so sorry for him, but he needs support not pity...  What on earth do I do now....

Yours truly

Shelley

You are right, you don't need pity, you need some ideas.  Peter has the nurse call you during rehab?  That doesn't seem to be productive!  At this time, doesn't Peter need to be focusing on his rehab tasks?  Joel needs to understand that it not his fault, it's nobody's fault, the circumstances simply are what they are.  It's best to move forward and deal with changes.  Joel beating himself up over this will not change Peter's condition.  Let me think some more.  I have to go now and I will be back later.  Peter also should get online and find sites like this one, where he can talk to people.  He could meet people with similar disabilities and get advice from them on how they coped.

Best of Luck

Sunshine

I'm sorry, I didn't explain myself right, Peter calls me from his rehab hospital when he has finished his days rehabilitation and rounds and back in his room, the nurse puts the phone on speaker as he has no use of his hands at all, he talks to me then because he knows I know what it's like to live with disabilities.  Joel, my son is finally getting some counselling and the counsellor pointed out to him that he may have saved Peter's life by getting into the pool and helping him take that breath and that he should look at from that angle, what ever the counsellor is saying to him it seems to be working.   He is doing much better and is working hard at his studies again.  Things are finally getting back to normal for him which is great.

All I can do for Peter is just listen to him, he has a lot to deal with and I believe he is just venting a bit and he and I have always been close so he feels he can call me.  I will be fine, I just don't know what to say to him sometimes.  Going from an active and working person to a quadriplegic is a hard thing for anyone to deal with, I think he just needs time to deal with it and if I can help him at all I will.  It's just hard not knowing whatto say to him at times, he is never angry with me or blaming, he is just frightened at what will happen next, he is just a scared young man that doesn't know what will happen next a  he has to undergo operations for a colostomy bag and soforth before he can think about coming hime and for some reason this worries him as it seems like the last step and there is no turning back, where at the moment he has a glimmer of hope that he will be able to walk again...