Message Boards

Topic : Giving and Receiving Support

Number of Replies: 843
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:08:39 am
Author : dataimport
What is the best way to support those you love who are coping with depression or grieving a loss? Post your tips and share support with others.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

January 26, 2008, 9:19 pm CST

Teenager with no one to turn to

I am an 18 year old college freshmen that everyone thinks has it all together. People are constantly telling me that I am "on a very good path," that I "know what I want and where I'm going," everyone says that they're proud of me, that I am making really good choices and know where I'm headed, my professors have told people I'm a real "go-get-'em" person. Once, a professor even told me "students like you are the reason I keep teaching.

 

I feel so guilty when people tell me these things.

 

Because they don't know the truth, they don't know what goes on behind closed doors. No one does.

 

When I was fifteen a lifetime of abuse and anguish finally caved in on me and I sunk into the world of self-inflicted injury. I was doing every day and it was accompanied by non-stop thoughts of suicide. I eventually admitted my issue to a teacher and started seeing a therapist. To be totally frank, me and my therapist never really clicked, I know it's not about making friendships or anything. But the truth I just didn't really get along with her. I started to resent her after a while.

 

Regardless, I was able to get relief from my suicidal thoughts and my self mutilation stopped. I stopped seeing the therapist and everyone thought I was fixed. I told everyone my cutting had stopped entirely.

 

I was lying.

 

Over the next few years there were several instances where stresses and intense feelings would build up and I would snap and pull the knife on myself again. But it was only sporadic, and I wasn't thinking about killing myself anymore. So I thought little of it.

 

But I am here at college now, an eight hour plane ride from my family and the community I grew up in. And I have lapsed back into this habit. I cut myself every  evening, sometimes in the morning, sometimes both. I don't even bother putting my razor away anymore, I have it out and at the ready so I can grab it whenever a bad memory comes back to me or I come back from an embarassing experience I wasn't anticipating it. I have to lie to people, when people see my cuts, I make up all kinds of stories to explain them. There was even one time I had to wrap a cotton bandage on my arm because it wouldn't stop bleeding and I told people it was an accident during an art project.

 

That is one of the reasons I am afraid to admit this to anyone.

 

 I am afraid of people who thought they knew me feeling like I decieved them and thinking they can't trust me. Because I don't talk to anyone about this. I don't like to talk about my problems with people because I am afraid of pushing them away. I don't want to create that akwardness. I feel like "people have enough of their own problems and their own lives, why do they need to deal with me and mine."

It's ironic. People tell me that I am a good person to talk to, that I am trustworthy and easy to open up to. But that is exactly what I am having such a hard time doing and being for others.

 

I know if I caved in completly, if I gave into these sudden urges I am feeling, people would be totally shocked.

 

Because I do have these urgings, I will be having a "session," and the suddenly the strong, almost overwhelming desire to slice my wrist and let myself bleed until I can't bleed anymore will come over me. I will literally grip my hair, put my head between my knees, and force myself to take deep breaths until the feeling passes.

 

Not long ago I had an episode where I totally lost control and made more cuts at once than ever before. The whole left side of my body was like something out of a horror film. I went to a school counselor and admitted this to her. She is so far the only one that know about any of the self injury I have inflicted since I stopped counseling three years earlier. I want to go back to her and talk to her more about it. But I am too ashamed.

 

Why? Because I had to sit down and confront the fact that maybe, just maybe, I really don't want to stop.

 

When I am in the throws of a craving, it is as if my mind splits into two. One half says..

 

"This is disgusting, this isn't normal, it's counter-productive, not to mention painful, there has to be a better way,"

 

And the other half, the stronger half, says..

 

"Hey, it's quick, it's easy, it make you feel better, no one has to know, it's not effecting your health like  drugs or bulimia or something, and it's not effecting your ability to function in society, so why not?"

 

I really don't know what to do. I have no one I can talk to. The thing that scares me is I am getting to the point where I can't picture myself without this, it has become such a part of me. And I know that perception will only get stronger with time.

 

It really is like this demon sitting in the corner waiting to catch me in a weak moment and spring on me when my guard is down.

Any advice or words of support would be appreciated.

 
January 28, 2008, 6:21 am CST

Giving and Receiving Support

Quote From: ronin2

I am an 18 year old college freshmen that everyone thinks has it all together. People are constantly telling me that I am "on a very good path," that I "know what I want and where I'm going," everyone says that they're proud of me, that I am making really good choices and know where I'm headed, my professors have told people I'm a real "go-get-'em" person. Once, a professor even told me "students like you are the reason I keep teaching.

 

I feel so guilty when people tell me these things.

 

Because they don't know the truth, they don't know what goes on behind closed doors. No one does.

 

When I was fifteen a lifetime of abuse and anguish finally caved in on me and I sunk into the world of self-inflicted injury. I was doing every day and it was accompanied by non-stop thoughts of suicide. I eventually admitted my issue to a teacher and started seeing a therapist. To be totally frank, me and my therapist never really clicked, I know it's not about making friendships or anything. But the truth I just didn't really get along with her. I started to resent her after a while.

 

Regardless, I was able to get relief from my suicidal thoughts and my self mutilation stopped. I stopped seeing the therapist and everyone thought I was fixed. I told everyone my cutting had stopped entirely.

 

I was lying.

 

Over the next few years there were several instances where stresses and intense feelings would build up and I would snap and pull the knife on myself again. But it was only sporadic, and I wasn't thinking about killing myself anymore. So I thought little of it.

 

But I am here at college now, an eight hour plane ride from my family and the community I grew up in. And I have lapsed back into this habit. I cut myself every  evening, sometimes in the morning, sometimes both. I don't even bother putting my razor away anymore, I have it out and at the ready so I can grab it whenever a bad memory comes back to me or I come back from an embarassing experience I wasn't anticipating it. I have to lie to people, when people see my cuts, I make up all kinds of stories to explain them. There was even one time I had to wrap a cotton bandage on my arm because it wouldn't stop bleeding and I told people it was an accident during an art project.

 

That is one of the reasons I am afraid to admit this to anyone.

 

 I am afraid of people who thought they knew me feeling like I decieved them and thinking they can't trust me. Because I don't talk to anyone about this. I don't like to talk about my problems with people because I am afraid of pushing them away. I don't want to create that akwardness. I feel like "people have enough of their own problems and their own lives, why do they need to deal with me and mine."

It's ironic. People tell me that I am a good person to talk to, that I am trustworthy and easy to open up to. But that is exactly what I am having such a hard time doing and being for others.

 

I know if I caved in completly, if I gave into these sudden urges I am feeling, people would be totally shocked.

 

Because I do have these urgings, I will be having a "session," and the suddenly the strong, almost overwhelming desire to slice my wrist and let myself bleed until I can't bleed anymore will come over me. I will literally grip my hair, put my head between my knees, and force myself to take deep breaths until the feeling passes.

 

Not long ago I had an episode where I totally lost control and made more cuts at once than ever before. The whole left side of my body was like something out of a horror film. I went to a school counselor and admitted this to her. She is so far the only one that know about any of the self injury I have inflicted since I stopped counseling three years earlier. I want to go back to her and talk to her more about it. But I am too ashamed.

 

Why? Because I had to sit down and confront the fact that maybe, just maybe, I really don't want to stop.

 

When I am in the throws of a craving, it is as if my mind splits into two. One half says..

 

"This is disgusting, this isn't normal, it's counter-productive, not to mention painful, there has to be a better way,"

 

And the other half, the stronger half, says..

 

"Hey, it's quick, it's easy, it make you feel better, no one has to know, it's not effecting your health like  drugs or bulimia or something, and it's not effecting your ability to function in society, so why not?"

 

I really don't know what to do. I have no one I can talk to. The thing that scares me is I am getting to the point where I can't picture myself without this, it has become such a part of me. And I know that perception will only get stronger with time.

 

It really is like this demon sitting in the corner waiting to catch me in a weak moment and spring on me when my guard is down.

Any advice or words of support would be appreciated.

  You seem to be in great pain and suffering the effects of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) due to what happened so long ago. it is easy for others  to say you should 'bury it and get on with the here and now' but it always comes back to bite you eventually if you never dealt with it properly. Cutting is your way of distracting yourself from those traumatic memories but it is destructive.

   

    My advice would be to see a psychologist not just a counsellor . A psychologist has much more knowledge about treating PTSD effectively. Medications will not fix the problem they only mask it and stop you from ever dealing with it . Ask any Vietnam veteran what antidepressants/antipsychotics have done for their PTSD - nothing. A psychiatrist will only want to prescribe drugs and ECT which again don't  fix the problem nor help you to deal with it.  Why do I say this ? Because I too used to suffer from PTSD. I was molested at 8yrs of age and date -raped at age 20. I never had counselling or therapy at the time. I kept it a secret until I was 28. Unfortunately I allowed myself to be 'treated' with medication which almost killed me due to having an adverse reaction which was only further compounded by a series of psychiatrists. I lost ten years of my life for nothing . When instead if I had of had psychotherapy I would have worked through it at age 28 not age 36.

 

    Best wishes and know that you can overcome this if you seek help in the right places.

 
February 8, 2008, 1:51 pm CST

So Sorry

Quote From: shadesofblue1

I have been dealing with anxiety mixing with attention defesit disorder and it makes my brain puzzled and makes me frustraighted. So maybee your brother in law was very puzzled and frustraighted inside. I think alot of times suicides feal trapped and that there is no escape. I believe sister should understand that it was not her fault and that God knows what was wrong with him and that he made a mistake i believe God will forgive him and i think she should find the strength to forgive him. Your brief storey helped me out because i have been thinking about commiting suicide but i always have to keep in mind when you end your own life it affects everyone around you and that keeps me from ever following through. If she wants to know why she should talk to other people who have had a suicide in there family. I know several and if she wants some advice from them i'll have the write something in the message board.

 

I Just Want To say I`m so sorry,it will be hard for your sister,I wish you all well.

 

Laura

 
February 8, 2008, 2:12 pm CST

Hi

Hello,I`m new and want to say hello,My name is Laura I`m 29 with 2 kids,I have been taking Lexapro for over a year now,for slight depression and panic attacks,I don` have the panic attacks any more but sometimes feel down and drained.I guess it don`t help me that, I`m in a relationship that is not so good,as far as connecting with each other,sometimes I feel like he don`t love me or wants to really be with me,so feeling like this is one thing that depresses me,i`m also over weight,I have no job and depended one my boyfriend for everything right now.I often feel lost in my life and scared of being on my own.Most days I don`t feel like doing much but watching t.v,of being on the computer,house work comes last most days and most of the time I talk myself out of doing it.I`m a mess and I know it,I want to find myself again and be happy.

 

Laura

 
February 13, 2008, 6:00 am CST

Anyone willing to help...

Hi, My name is Kelsey... I'm pretty new to this site. I really need anyone that's willing to talk right now. I know it sounds a little stupid, but I have a dog that was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and since yesterday has been having severe seizures... I didn't sleep at all last night, making sure she was okay and even now I'm shut in the bathroom with her so make sure she doesn't hurt herself when she has another one. I'm sixteen and I skipped school today so I could watch her. I'm not obsessive and all, I know she's a dog... It's just.. i've had her for twelve years and it's hard losing someone, animal or human that's been there for you through everything. It's really hard for me to deal with and need someone that can listen to me and help get me through this... the vet may or may not come to put her down today... it's a hard choice, but it's the most humane thing that we can do for her right now... thanks so much...

AIM: xxdeathbydefault

email: xxdeathbydefault@aol.com
 
February 15, 2008, 8:11 am CST

What would you say to me?

What would one tell me to do? Get real? What if I am in reality and irreality?

 

To understand me, read every one of my diary entries, then I look forward to what you would say to me and suggest I do. I am really open to whatever you have to say.

 
February 15, 2008, 12:29 pm CST

Hi kelsey

Quote From: deathbydefault

Hi, My name is Kelsey... I'm pretty new to this site. I really need anyone that's willing to talk right now. I know it sounds a little stupid, but I have a dog that was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and since yesterday has been having severe seizures... I didn't sleep at all last night, making sure she was okay and even now I'm shut in the bathroom with her so make sure she doesn't hurt herself when she has another one. I'm sixteen and I skipped school today so I could watch her. I'm not obsessive and all, I know she's a dog... It's just.. i've had her for twelve years and it's hard losing someone, animal or human that's been there for you through everything. It's really hard for me to deal with and need someone that can listen to me and help get me through this... the vet may or may not come to put her down today... it's a hard choice, but it's the most humane thing that we can do for her right now... thanks so much...

AIM: xxdeathbydefault

email: xxdeathbydefault@aol.com
Hi my name is leslie and I just wanted to say I am so sorry to hear about your dog I always used to get extremely attached to my pets.  Animals are the best and it's the hardest part of life, saying goodbye to someone we love.  Unfortunately it is a continual part of life either we say goodbye because of death or we just go our separate ways.  I believe this life is short compared to the eternal existence of our spirits, and that when this life is over we will be reunited with all our loved ones including pets.  Every time I have been to someones funeral I have felt their spirit come and say goodbye to me (I am extra sensitive).  Because of this and other things, I know that as hard as this life can be it will all be healed in the end, I really believe that and hope it helps to bring you comfort.  There is sometimes nothing that can be done to change hard situations, you just have to go through the grieving process, but sometimes it does help to have someone to talk to or comfort you.
 
February 23, 2008, 8:17 am CST

Mood change -

I goofed my mood up on my last post. It should have been hopeful, but somehow I goofed and it showed up as lazy. I am doing so much better after the two years of my twin being gone. I love sharing memories of her.

One time we were on our way to school. When the bus stopped for one student, there was a turtle crossing the road. She asked the bus driver if she could move it off of the road. He let her get off the bus to move the turtle. It was a snapping turtle and clamped on to her hand, between her thumb and index finger....ouch. She was in so much pain, but glad the turtle wouldn't be ran over on the street. When we got to school we went to the office. They used a pencil and poked the turtle in the butt to make it let go! She was embarrassed, but everyone else involved got a tremendous laugh and learned a good lesson! NEVER pick up a snapping turtle!

 
March 2, 2008, 10:36 am CST

Gods love

Quote From: littletlo

I could not agree more. i am actually more spiritual than religious for reasons you have given. This world and the bible is filled with interpretaions and madness preaching even another interpretaion is just a man with a mike telling us what God wants. Soon the money pot is passed and stares and sermons guilt you into buying your way into heaven or a  new car for the preacher!  

   

Wow! I am bitter today! Sorry! I just know that God creates us and this world (if we allow) make his creation a mistake. Those who use the bible to justify their judgement and hate are who claim to to be chrisitians the most while sinning by judging as if they deserve none of the same.. Not all are my description, certainly. But those who lack compasion for those with a life of cruelty and consider it a choice convince me the strongest of all are those who fight to be themselves unafraid of the judgement they must face.  

I think that we are all precious to the almighty father.  I believe love is never wrong, but the expression of that love can be. Hence, two same sex individuals loving and sharing a life together is not wrong, but being sexually active within that context is a sin.  We have watered down the "sin" factor of so many activities in society today.  Our only purpose on this planet is to give him pleasure, and I doubt he finds pleasure in the abomination of sexual activity (a specifically designed anatomical correct activity reserved for the marital bed).  If you read and believe the bible to be the inspired truth of God, one does not pick and choose which sections are subject to interpretation.  We all have crosses to bear, and I know without doubt the heavenly father tests us, and as Job did,  was subject to almost every tribulation.  I think that being "gay" is just another cross.  We have a choice, we can succumb to behavior that boasts of carnal and base instincts, or elevate ourselves to more pure spiritual level.  Sacrifice is also something the world does not take to well.  It is ashame, many would not be stuck with horrific diseases if they played by Gods rules.
 
March 6, 2008, 4:27 am CST

GRIEVING AND NEED OUTSIDE SUPPORT

Quote From: jeannie454

  Hi! I lost my Mom on Sept.6,2005 

we did not know she was sick, One day I'm having a cut of tea with her and the next day she was gone, 

  I miss her so much ,we were best friends,I cry all the time,I only think of Mom. 

I forget to pay a lot of bills because Mom  is the only thing I think about. 

some time I wish I can go where she is. 

but I have a husband and a daughter. 

Please help me with this. 

I live in florida 

  

Jeannie 

Hi Jeannie, My name is Sheila, 41 yrs. old, from south Alabama.  First, I am sorry for your loss as well.  I am with you all the way on the loss of our mothers.  I lost my mom on, Feb. 18, 2005.  My mom battled colo-rectal cancer for 3 1/2 yrs.  Even though we knew she was going to pass close to the end, you can still never prepare yourself for the upcoming loss of a loved one.  I fight depression and grief everyday/night of my life.  Our little immediate family has scattered since my mom passed.  My dad met this nurse who is 4 yrs. older than me.  The nurse took care of my mom the last 30 days of her life.  Since my mother's death, my dad continued to see this nurse and this past Nov. 2007, they got married.  My sister has gotten caught up in occasional drugs (crack) and drinks heavily at times.  My sister and I have not spoke in about a year.  I don't even know where or how to find her.  My 2 grown boys live 45 mins. from me, and I don't get to see them that often.  I do have a 6 yr. old daughter and a wonderful husband, who is very supportive.  I had major back surgery 6 mos. ago, have insomnia since the surgery, on morphine, and very depressed.  Since Christmas, 2007 up to 6 weeks after.  I have unintended weight loss (That's great)!  I went from a size 8 to a 4 in less than 6 wks.  A part of me feels like it's grievance, or am I following in my mom's footsteps.  My mom had drastic, unintended weight loss too, right before she found out she had colo-rectal cancer.  I'm too afraid to get it checked out.  I know, I should, but don't have the strength or want, to do it.  My main concern, is my grieving and depression seems to get worse, rather than better.  I thought it was getting easier to deal with as time went by, but now, it's done a complete reversal.  I need help and support myself.    Please, give me your imput.  What part of Florida are you in?  I'm in Gulf Shores, AL.  Love to hear from you.  Thanks for listening.              Sheila
 
First | Prev | 75 | 76 | 77 | 78 | 79 | 80 | 81 | 82 | 83 | 84 | Next | Last