Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

He is the one losing, not you.  Think about how your kids feel watching him come home drunk.  As they get older they will become bitter and disrespectful. Children learn from example. Is this the example you want them to learn.. New steps are always hard to take.  But they are worth it.  Try Alanon, it is for families of alcohlics, or your church.  Just get him out of you life before you destroy their lives. 

My mother has many issues from her past resulting from abusive relationships that I feel has started to affect our relationship.  I feel like no matter what I do she always doubts me even though I have given her no reason to do so.  Every time I ask her some thing simple such as, can you not leave your shoes in my living room (she lives behind us) she gets VERY angry and tells me she won't be scolded.  I do my best to ask her nicely because I know how she is but still there's no talking to her.  She repeatedly says we don't care about her even though we do our best to include her in everything because 95% of the time we really do like having her around.  Also, I have a very good relationship with my husband and she seems to get jealous or resentful when he does things for me.  We've been married six years and she has never once congratulated us on our anniversary and seems to be bothered when my father buys us anniversary gifts.  (I mean little gifts even like a gift certificate.)  She and my father have been seperated for 13 years.  I also feel as if she resents my relationship with him because it bothers her when he does things for  me.  I don't know how to resolve this with her.  She doesn't respect my husband and will make comments like "well if you want him to do anything you'd better have her (me) ask him because otherwise forget it!"  Yes my husband does spoil me, and I him so shouldn't that make her happy for us.  I'm getting tired of dealing with these issues that I have no ownership in.  I don't know what to do and it bothers me because if my father comes over and she is there it's uncomfortable because she always has a chip on her shoulder.  I've told her if she doesn't like being around him then not to be but she'll stay anyway and make things uncomfortable for all of us.  Also, she is showing less and less respect for my husband who won't tell her anything because he doesn't want to start problems for me.  What do I do???  Any advice? 

It sounds like your mom has unresolved issues from her past, and she takes it out on you when she has the opportunity. Its not fair, because you just want to live in peace, you want to love and respect the people around you and you expect that treatment back. Sounds good to me!! 

It sounds as though your mom has several issues, and you are not going to be able to help her until she wants to help herself. Its very unfortunate, because you shouldn't be the one to suffer for her past. My advice to you is when you have an issue, say the shoes on the floor- approach her like this, 'mom, i love you very much and honestly like having you around, I want to live in peace and I would love it if we could agree to respect one another. Having said that, I want you to know that I don't want to scold you because I know youare not a child, you are an adult, but could you please put your shoes somewhere else?' Yes its a mouthful, but by giving her handfulls of compliments mixed in with the request, how could she argue with that?? This is called validating her- let her know she is a valuable human in your eyes. She isn't the shoes, she isn't the "issues", she is your mom, but she is thinking of herself as the shoes. But the shoes are just a symptom. Your mom's problems are the real issue. I wish you luck! 

This is my first post.  I couldn't find a blended family section, so I"m posting it here. 

I have so many concerns about my stepchildren's mother.  I am at a loss for new ideas on convincing her that I'm not interested in "replacing her" as she keeps saying.   

Do anyone have any advice on how to help an insecure mom accept her children's stepparents (her own husband and me), 

I had lived with an insecure mom who would tear apart anything my step-mom did.  The problem was that the step mom was younger and pretty and a great person.   It wasn't for years later at my sister's wedding that my mom stopped being threatened by my step mom. And it was because of the way my step mom treated her that I believe calmed all her insecurities.  They never really talked face to face before.   My step mom asked my mom about things in her life and turned the conversation into building her up and how great she was and what a beatiful home she had.  It took some time but whenever they would meet all they ever talked about was my mom and what she was doing and things in her life.  Now   my step mom has   visited with me and my sister to my mom's cottage.  And my step mom does my mom's hair.  They are not best friends, but my mom has stopped the step mom bashing. 

Kindness can take a lot of effort on your part.  I hope you can reach her.   

For your family it will be worth it. 

g 

Thanks for the advice.  I doubt I would ever have an opportunity to have a nice conversation with mom.  She threatened me via email and phone messages one threat was, "I hope you are secure in your relationship because I will be the woman in the back of your head by the end of summer." this was before she had even met me or heard my voice. 

My husband has a restraining order against her for domestic violence. 

My stepchildren love to goof off with me.  We go to the park and roll down the hills.  We play games.  I'm like a big kid when we have fun.  I am also a role model and have expectations out of them.  I listen when they speak and ask them how do they feel rather than tell them how I feel when it comes to a problem, especially with their mother.   

Their mother doesn't do this.  She often tells them how they should feel.  She's always busy watching TV or socializing with her friends. 

I was speaking tto my stepson today.  He feels that my husband and I must feel the same way about his mother as she feels about us because anyone would.  He says everyone wishes someone would disappear once in a while.  

His mother has a habbit of telling the children what my husband and I think and feel.  She told them once, "Your stepmom is mean to me and I would hate anyone that is mean to my mom."  She tells them I'm rude to her and my husband says mean things to her.  We haven't spoken to her (besides in therapy) in 3 years.  Also, she reads bits and pieces of court documents and emails in order to give the children the illusion that we are saying hateful things to her.  Of course she pulls them out of content and fails to mention what we are replying to. 

With this in mind, if we try to say something it would just be our word against our word that mom told them and mom's word.  Make sense? :(  We just ignore it as much as possible and hope that the children will realize what she is doing as they get older.