Message Boards

Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 395
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:13 am
Author : dataimport
Does someone in your family always have to one-up you? Or are you tired of watching your family members try to outdo one another?

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

August 9, 2007, 12:56 pm CDT

Competitive Family Relationships

My Brother was married 1 1/2 yrs ago.   Before he got married he brought his bride to be over to meet our family memebers.   At this time she was a slender woman and seemed pleasant enough.   She was employed and appeared to be "with it" .  My Brother & I have been very close in the past and he would come to see us (Mom, Dad, Myself)  or at least call a couple times a week.   We shared the same interest (i.e. horses & family).   Well, Since he has gotten married,  this woman has gained at least 50lbs, has gone through 3 different jobs and tells lies about everything.   She has made it clear that she does not care much for me, my mom or my sister.   My Brother has let her run him into the ground financially and with our family.   It is irritating because neither one of them cares about anyone else.  They do not call my mom or dad on birthdays or Mother's / Father's Day.   Yet when it is close to her birthday, he calls us to remind us of "the Special day coming up"   Frankly I am having a hard time witnessing this behavior.   My sister will be home visiting from Texas this week & we are having a picnic and I am unsure if I can be nice.   We have all gone out of our way to be nice & we get bitten every time.   It is hard to watch her act like she is better than the rest of us & has to tell lies to make her feel better.  
 
August 24, 2007, 1:49 pm CDT

battle of the sisters in law

I have a sister in law that obsesses over my brother's ex wife, who is the mother of their children.  The ex did not share custody of the kids until a couple years ago, when the daughter went to live with her.  Since then, it's been a barrage of emails and phone calls from my brother's current wife, who harrasses the heck out of her daughter(checking the girl's email, bank account, etc., even though she doesn't live with her father).  My sister in law complains non stop about my brother, his kids and his ex wife, and to make matters worse, forwards twenty or so emails a week to various relatives to share her misery.  Recently, my brother's daughter found out she was pregnant.  Now the former and current sisters in law are battling it out through email.  They are driving me crazy--I don't want to be caught in the middle anymore.
 
September 8, 2007, 6:26 pm CDT

premarital hell

I'm engaged to a wonderful man whom I love very much, and for the most part I get along with his family. There are no major problems aside from those regular, everyday disagreements. However, lately I am finding myself constantly at odds with his 15 year old sister. Up until recently we had gotten along great. She had spent the summer working out of town. When she came home, she and her brother were not on the greatest of terms because she had taken his MP3 Player without asking and broke it. Afterwards, she tried to blame it on her uncle's dog and refused to replace it. However, despite this, she and I continued to get along. About a week ago, we had a gathering at my house, and I had previously invited her to attend, along with her parents and her older sister. Her older sister and her parents decided not to come as they were tired from the weeks work. She insisted, however, that she come.I gave considerable thought to the fact that she would be around people who were drinking, and significantly older then she was, and decided it was for the best she not attend this time. At first she said she was okay with it. The next day I received a message thanking me for not keeping her informed and letting her down. She said she had not made plans and stayed in because she thought I had arranged to have someone pick her up and bring her here (I live with my parents about 25 minutes out of the city where she lives and she had not been home at the time) I reminded her we had already discussed it and we had decided she would stay home. She then started an argument with me claiming that all the problems she has encountered in the last year are my fault. She claims that I'm the reason she and her brother do not get along. She is now openly telling everyone (including myself) she hates me. She is nasty and vindictive. She claims my fiance is "wiped" and that he doesn't care about anyone else or anything else because he's never at home (he doesn't go home, he claims, because he doesn't have the patience to deal with her antics and is trying to avoid addtional conflict with in his house as he doesn't want to place stress upon his parents or his other sister. Just recently she told my fiance that by complicating his relationship she was saving him from making a huge mistake. She said that if we broke up it would solve all their problems and that he would thank her for it. When that didn't work, she brought up allegations of infidelity on his part, knowing I was close by. She has also claimed that I have done nothing but talk about her behind her back, and that her friends have overheard me. I do not know her friends, nor do I associate with them as they are 15 and 16 and I'm 21 and have other things going on in my life. It is also well known that they dislike me, and have , on more than one occassion, informed her of things that I have apparently said.This is not the first time she has blamed me for her problems, had a hissy fit at me because things have not gone her way, or said she has hated me. However, this time she is making it much worse. I'm very upset. I don't want to enter into a marriage that is going to cause problems with the family because I believe in the importance of family and don't want to cause a rift between my fiance and his family. I love him dearly, but I don't want to put that kind of pressure on him. I know she is only 15, and everyone tells me I should ignore her, but it is getting out of hand, and I cannot handle the stress of it anymore.  It is making me seriously reconsider my whole relationship and I don't think this is fair to my fiance or myself. I realize I am not a perfect individual, but I don't feel think this is justified for any reason.

 

Our wedding is still three years away, but if this is going to be a huge issue, I don't think I can go through with it. I mean, who wants to constantly be caught in the middle of this mess!

 
September 13, 2007, 9:21 am CDT

Overpossessive SisterInLaw

Hello,

I wanted to see if anyone have any insights on this topic. My sister-in-law is extremely overpossessive of my brother. We were friends initially but ever since they got married, she does whatever she can to create negativity towards us. She's really nice upfront but she's always complaining about us behind our backs. We lived together during the first year because of their financial issues and the whole family was very supportive, but she never appreciated it and it started to seem as if she's super fake with the family. This was confirmed when I asked my brother if i could borrow his car for a job interview since my car was at the shop. She made a big fuss about it and my brother was very hesitant in letting me borrow the car because he didn't want to upset his wife. I can see that she's very controlling and possessive over him and even their baby boy who was just born last month. I have always cared for my brother and love him but he doesn't see what his wife is doing wrong and how she's been so disrespectful. This is very hurtful and maybe I should stop caring, but the thing with family is that you will always love them and accept them for who they are no matter what. Even after a few confrontations, we weren't able to achieve much. I'm not sure how to keep a healthy relationship with my brother and his family when she continues to be so negative. Any advice?

 
September 20, 2007, 10:16 am CDT

kindness failed

Hey jaimie thanks for your response. From what I recall, I haven't done anything to upset her. She is the type who is super private and was also a loaner. She also has a very competitive nature but in a bad way because she always puts others down and promotes her own ideals. I understood her personality when we first started living together so I tried the kindness tool. I was always very generous to her and my brother. When they got their new place, I used the kindness tool again and congratulated them the day they got their apartment and she said she's booking me to help them move on saturday. So it was understood that saturday all day is reserved for them. I'm a very social person myself and so i had taken that day out especially to help them. She however did not communicate this to my brother and completed most of the packing on a friday. Friday night we always make plans and my older brother has also decided to go out that evening. The following morning, my brother complained to my mom that i didn't help at all with the move. She supported him. I kinda feel like it was a set up to make the family look bad. She did the same thing with my older sister in law who offered to help and she said she got it under control, but later she came to me complaining that she didnt help at all and is so inconsiderate. I think the bottom line is that she just wants her husband to be against his family so that their's minimal interaction with them. We used to be very close before and always looked out for each other. Its not the same anymore. His best friend also doesnt like her because he thinks she's way too dominant and very controlling. I can be super kind but i know that i'll get hurt if i don't get the same treatment. MAybe it will take time but I don't have the patience to be sooo kindhearted when someone's being so rude and ridiculous. No matter what happens she says bad stuff about the family to distance my bro from everyone. So in conclusion...she is totaly controlling and my brother thinks shes an angel. But like you said, he is married now and has a child so his 100% loyalties will be with her. Is ther no way to balance this out? We hardly interact with them now. But I'll continue to try the kindness thing. But at the same time, i've always been super honest and straightforward so its hard to fake it. Aaahh this can be so annoying.
 
September 21, 2007, 10:35 am CDT

Sibling Rivalry

Hi. I hope this is the place to post this and maybe someone can give me some insite.

The lady that helped to raise me passed away this past Feb.  Her oldest daughter says that since I am not "blood" that I am not a part of that family.  Her mother left me some very precious possesions of hers and now the oldest daughter says that since she is the oldest...that she has the most SAY!  Like she is so powerful ect.  She had nothing to do with her mother for about 20 years, except to send her demeaning letters to her, etc.  Her mother and sister raised her son as she walked out on them all when he was 2 years old.  Now he is 42.  They have no contact.  She is demanding ALL of the family photos, etc. etc.  Her mother had a Power of Attorney and he told me that I could get whatever I wanted because I was the one who took care of her etc.  

I didn't mean to be so lengthy, but this has been going on for the whole 6 months.  Now that the Estate will be opened up soon......she is going to get really nasty I am afraid.  Her mothers' house goes to her great grandson....so I am sure the daughter is bitter because of that!

Thank you all!

 
September 23, 2007, 8:25 am CDT

confused about family

Hi. I have a problem with my family that bothers me. My sister who i do not speak to, dumped her kids at my moms last night and of course my son wanted to sleep over grandmas with them and there are three of her kids and one of mine. We went out yesterday and left my son with my mom and when we came back my mom told me "oh, you should go home, because your sister is coming right back from Walmart". I was mad because that is the sister that called my son an animal(with a swear word in front) and then told me that she will not say she is sorry and that she regrets having me for a sister. My mother always sticks up for her and puts me down, i bought my son a rated r movie and she yelled at me and my sister buys her kids rated r movies and she never says anything. She in other words calls me a bad mother and i never do anything right and she says she feels sorry for my son. I get mad at her and she says i am "going off" and i am good enough to take care of her special needs brother if she needs to go anywhere(no one else in the family will). She also favors my oldest sister. I feel bad getting mad at her because she has breast cancer and is going through radiation. I feel like screaming that i am a person with feelings also, but it is not worth it because she will not stop criticizing me. I have been through enough with having had a pituitary tumor removed, and have a had my husband suffer a nervous breakdown. I would appreciate any advice, when my son goes to bed sometimes i just cry about the situation.  Thank You.  
 
October 2, 2007, 2:29 pm CDT

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: jaimie1974

Your SIL is grasping at straws; she sounds like a very angry 15 year old, and you are an easy target for her. Has your husband ever come out and told his family the reason he doesnt go to their home- that it is because his younger sister is constantly b*tching at him? If he has, what does his parents say about it, do they realize what an impact their youngest child is having on your fiance?

In my opinion, your decision regarding the party was the best one to make. It was the responsible thing to do. Keep in mind that even if she did come, she still would not be happy- she isnt interested in being happy- she is only interested in causing chaos so that she can be the center of attention. No matter how hard you try to get along with this person, she will probably always be a thorn in your side. The sooner you learn to deal with her in a way that is healthy for YOU, the better off you will be. Dont worry about the rest of his family or what people will think/say/do, because you cant predict other peoples actions. You only have control over your own actions, and since what youve been doing isnt working, its time to change tactics. Youve tried to be reasonable and explain your point of view to her; she doesnt want to hear it because she isnt interested in facts. She wants drama and chaos; dont give her what she wants. If she is yelling on the phone, simply say, Well talk later when youve calmed down. and hang up. If it is in person, force yourself to remain calm and rational- dont allow your emotions to get the better of you- (again, that is what she wants; chaos and drama!) keep a poker face on and just say, Im sorry you are so upset, lets talk about this when youve calmed down. and walk away. Encourage your boyfriend to deal with her in this manner, too, because he shouldnt have to be estranged from his whole family just because of this one sister! That isnt fair. I know you dont want to be the cause of a family rift- but guess what? It doesnt matter who your boyfriend is with- his sister will never be happy or approve. This doesnt have much to do with you, it is about her own self-interest.

Hey Jamie! Thanks for the response.

 

In answer to your question, yes, he has come out and told his family the reason he doesn't go home...they simply chose to ignore it, saying that because we're the adults we too should ignore her. They refuse to even acknowledge the problem. Whether or not they realize the impact, well that is difficult to say. See, for so long she got away with everything because she was just "so cute" and now that it's not cute anymore, they just let her do what she wants and no one says anything. for the most part i have chosen to ignore her. However, the other day she message me saying she still hated me and always would but she wasn't going to be rude. That doesn't mean she is going to like me ever again, and so on and so forth. When I asked her why she was talking to me if that's how she felt, she said she was bored, and she could bitch at me but that would get her in trouble. I am to the point now where I just really don't care. I am realizing how toxic she is to my relationship and I honestly just want her to stay out of my life for awhile, at least until she can grow up. Besides that, she is 15, she should be worrying about other things like her own life. I am the target, but I refuse to be anymore!

 
October 3, 2007, 5:33 am CDT

jealous older sister

This is the first time being on the Message boards.  I wrote one but then reviewed it and I lost it so here I am again writting another one.  I  have been having this issue for many years all of my life really but only in the last 15 years of my life has it gotten worse because I have grown up and do not let them do what they used to do to me I am fed up with the jealousy, bitterness and hatefullness and want it to stop.  I am 9 years younger then my sister and she is so jealous of what I have and where my life is right now that she can't see past her jealousy and bitterness to see that I love her and want a relationship with her.I give to her all the time and want to have that loving giving relatiionship I have with everyone else I come in contact with.  She has made so many comments about well you should not have what you have because of your age.  I should have what you have not you.  Well I said what gives you that right to have it because of age.  I have worked hard to get what I have today.

 

I came from a very abusive family life and a controlling mother that just about destroyed my life with my husband now.  when we were first married she would always tell me things like "your husband is moving you far away from us because he does not want you to have a relationship with us" and my husband was very supportive of my relationship with my family and has always been.  He taught  me how to love myself and to break this cycle of violence. I have read all of Dr. Phils books on self matters.  I have been married for 15 years now and I have 2 kids one of our kids just went off to college this summer.  My husband is in the armed forces and he is now serving 1 year downrange.  I lost both of my men within 10 days apart.  I still have one son at home.  We do not live in the states we are currently living overseas so when we come to the states we always go and see them.   I have lived overseas for 4 years now and in that 4 year period I have been back home 10 times in that 4 years.  I feel like I have gone above and beyond the call of duty and nothing I do is good enough for my family.  They do not appreciate when we come out there.  I get all the time well you really do not want to be here you would be somewhere else then here.  I have even gone as far as getting a local phone number where they live were they do not have the long distance calls overseas.  The local number rings in my home overseas.  What good technology we have now days huh!!  That is not even good enough I am still calling them every weekend and for the past 3 weekends I have not called because I am tired of the one trying to have a relationship with them they expect me to call and my mom said when she did finally call me this weekend.  "this is the 3rd weekend you have not called me I figured you would be at home because it is late there and you and your son must be out painting the town"  Just to let you know my mom is a very controlling mom and I finally broke that cycle 4 years ago she tries but I do not allow her to do it anymore.  Both my sisters live within 1 mile of my mom.  They feel like the only way to have a relationship with me is to be in the same town as them.  I keep coming back because I always have that little bit of hope that something will be diffenent this time but nothing never changes it has been this way for 15 years.  It has always been this way but leaving home and marrying a man in the military has really made me appreciate life more and family values more and they do not get it. 

 

My sister has always been jealous of me for years.  I was married once before I met my husband and he beat me up and I finally got out of that and made a life for myself.  I worked very hard to get to were I am with not only my own self but with my husband and kids.  I was were my sister is about 13 years ago.  I had a lady I did not even know come up to me and say this to me " You are the most hateful person and unkind person I have seen in my life"  I went home that night and ask my husband to tell me the truth and iI ask him that question he did not want to tell me really but I told him I needed the truth that I would not get mad at him I needed to know.  He said yes that I was hateful and mean and unkind. That was the best thing that lady ever said to me because I decided it was time to look at myself and why would a lady that never knew me why would she say that to me.   At that point I decided that I needed help and that is where I started getting the help and started looking at myself for what problems was happening in my own marriage and looking at what I was doing to cause the problem instead of being part of a solution.  Over the years I started changing and in changing my relationship with my husband now of 15 years is the best I could ever want or ask for.   I worked so hard to get to this point in my life and I am proud of  what I have done to get to this point of my life.  So I thank the lady that said that too me. 

 

 Well my sister is a bully and she has always bullied  not just me but alot of people into submission. My mom does the same thing as well.  If I do not agree with her she throws a fit just like a 5 year old would do.  This summer was a good example of that.  After setting our son up in college I flew out and was planning on staying 1 month with my family.  In the time I was in the states my uncle had a stroke and almost died.  Well I was 1 week from being there so I just kept close in contact with my family and if there was any changes I was going to change my tickets to go on out there.  When I got there it was great for the first 2 days my sister was great but after 2 days everytime she looked at me she would get more angry and bitter and the more I was there the more she was hateful to me and mean to me.  I finally turned to her and said you are the one making the decision to not have a relationship with me.  That made her even more mad.  Well then she decided she was going to punish my mom and me because we were moving our uncle out of his house and move him in a wheel chair accesiable unit.  We did not see her the entire week we moved him.  Then she proceeded on trying to create a fight with me and I just ignored her and my mom said you both need to stop this and I said mom I am not going to allow her to be mean to me anymore.  I told my mom that this is not about anything but jealousy and my mom said no it is not.  I said mom if you want to hide your head in the sand then you will never have the peace.  I have peace in my heart that I done everything I can to have a relationship with her.  My mom will defend her to her death.  I am a sweet and giving person and it makes them mad because they are not like that.  I have done nothing wrong for her to be this way to me. 

 

By the way earlier in June we paid for all the family members to come out to our sons high school graduation.  We had ordered these tickets over a year out from the graduation and I had told my sister please do not wait tell the last minute to get your passports.  that was in June of the year prior.  So I asked her in Oct if she had sent off for them yet and she said well I am going to do it the first of Nov.  so I asked her again in Dec and then in Jan and then again in feb and told her that you need to order now if you do not have the money please let us pay for it and then you pay us back.  She said oh i am getting them tom well she did not get them until Mar.  Well June 3 was the day they were coming here.  Well June 1 she still had no passports and I told my mom and her both if by the night of June 2 you do not get them then I am going to cancel her tickets so that way I at least get the airline miles back.  My mom then informed me that if she did not get to come then she would not be coming and I had told my mom at that point mom if you do not come then you should know that you will not have a grandson or a daughter anymore  We are fed up with it always being about her because you have 2 other grandsons.  I am not a bit sorry for my sister because she had over a year to get those passports you have no reason why you cant come because you have your passport.  The night before they were leaving they finally received her passports so they came on but my sister was very mean not only to me but to my husband.  The week they were here we were very good host even knowing that the day after everyone left that my husband would be leaving for a year. We had no time for one another but we caught whatever time we had for each other and it made my sister mad because she saw that my husband and I worked very well that week together and pulled together and she hated that.  My husband loves me very much and I love my husband very much we travel alot and it makes my sister mad because her husband will not go anywhere or go on vacations with her anywhere.  We had both familes here my husband family and my family and you could see the difference in that one family was positive and supportive and the other family which was my family was neg. and unsupportive to what was going on.  It was again about them.  My mom keep saying well it would be nice if you could get your sister another country and I had told her that this was not a traveling vacation this was about our sons graduation.  If you wanted to travel you should have come 3 years earlier.  We still tried going places and doing things in and around trying to out process my husband and trying to get our son ready to leave for college 10 days later after my husband leaving.  It was not good enough for them they gripped the entire time they were here instead of saying wow! we are in another country and being gratful that we paid for them to come out and this is how they treated us.  We have always paid for my family to come and see us over the past 10 years of us being so far that you could not drive.  My husbands family we never paid for there tickets and now I am fed up with it and will not offer again tickets for them to come out and be mean to us.  I will give them to someone that wants to come out and really see us.  I felt like they were very ungratful for the tickets and they expect it from us. 

 

While they were here my sister made it known that she would not be coming back because this was supposed to be her vacation and she did not get to see much.  My mother-in-law finally told her to please keep her mouth shut if she had nothing nice to say that we have been very good host and that there was alot going on. 

 

I get along very well with my in-laws and they are very supportive of us.  They understood what this trip was about.  They were just glad to be here and to be able to see our son graduate from high school. 

 

2 days before I was leaving to come home my sister decided to create a fight.  It was on my birthday and our sons birthday we have the same birthday.  Instead of waiting tell the next day she decided she was not getting to me on any other level so she tried this and it did not work again.  She told me to come over and get my niece and talk to her and then come back and we are going to sit down and try and come up with a plan well it was a trap for me.   I would do anything for my niece my sister keeps her kids from me she has used them as a pawn and she knows that is the one thing that will stop me in my tracks and get to me.   Well it worked and then she yelled and screemed at me because I told her something she did not want to here.  Well when you ask me I am going to tell you if you do not want to know then don't ask me for help.  I am not going to lie and sugar coat it.  She called on Saturday night and tried to go through my mom after all of this happened so my mom talked to her for over an hour and then she told my mom she wanted to tell me she was sorry.  So I got on the phone and she told me she did not want me to say anything to her she needed to get this out and I said okay.  Well she started the conversation out and said she was jealous of my perfect life and she emphized perfect life.  She talked for about 5 min and then she decided to start talking about what other people were doing to her and I stopped her and said if you have an issue with me lets address the issue and move on and she told me to shut my mouth and not say anything and I told her goodbye I love you bye.  I hung up and told my mom I do not want to talk to her about this anymore she is not sorry she only wants people to feel sorry for her well I do not feel sorry for her.  I am tired of being on the other end of the angry with her.  She called back and then tried to tell my mom I did not listen and i at that time told my mom that I do not care about everyone else if she has an issue with me address the issue with me.  My mom then said you girls need to stop this and I said well I am not going to allow her to bully me anymore because I do not deserve this at all. 

 

 The week prior to this why she was punsihing my mom and me.  We were at lunch and she was bashing her son that was sitting right there with us and then she proceeded to call him stupid and I said no he is not stupid and she said yes he is.  I said no he is not maybe he making bad choices and bad decisions but no one is stupid and then i said well i could give you an example of stupidity.  she said what and i said it is no more stupid then you and your husband not going where there is money to be made.  Well you can only imagine were that went to she was mad and got up and walked out of the resturtant but I had sit by for years and let her beat her kids down by name calling.  She told her daughter she was a loser because she did not want to play basketball anymore she was a loser and would not amount to anything and that hurts and if that means I will stand up for a bully and say you are wrong if that ruins my relationship with her then I guess it was not worth it anyways.  That is what she did with me when I was that age.  her daughter is a teenager and she tells her mom and dad everyday that she hates them and is just buying her time until she is 17 so she can leave and never return.  There son which is in college now  did the same thing the min. he turned 17 he bolted out and has not been back since then. 

 

she is jealous of the fact because I have a wonderful relationship with our kids and they respect me and we have a great relationship with one another.  She has tried in so many ways to break that bound not only with my husband but with our kids as well. She has told me on many occasions that just wait your child is almost a teenager and there going to do this to.  I am still waiting I have one son in college now and the other one just turned 13 yes we have our problems but they are not disrespectful to me and they mind me and I give my kids a voice to talk to me and not be afraid of me. 

 

My mom always made us fear her.  I was fortuntate to be able to break out of the cycle of violence.  I do not want this fracture but I do not know what else to do about this.  I know breaking the relationship with my sister means I will not have a relationship with my mom either.  My mom is going to defend her tell she dies or is on her death bed. 

 

When I got home I decided to make one last attempt and wrote my sister a non confintational email and try and tell her that I am on her side and that I would love to help her through her dark times in her life.  I said that I am hear for her and maybe by sharing how I got to this place in my heart which is the peace and calmness of my life that sharing how i got to this place would help her maybe grab onto some hope.  I never once attacked her or told her she was a horriable mother.  I got an email back that was mean and just down right cruel.  She said in one part of her email that "she prays for my husband everyday but honsetly he is in no great danger like those other 27,000 plus men that have lost there limbs"  that is what finally broke the camels back.  I called her and left a message do not call me I do not want a relationship with her anymore.  My husband is in danger just because he is not in danger everday where he is does not mean is  not in danger.  He flies in dangerous places every week.

 

I do not want to fracture the relationship but I do not see any other way because I have been trying for years and years and this is what I keep getting and now I have come to a point in my life that I am tired of this and want to break free of this and not look back.  Please give me some advice on what I should do about this because I feel so confused I know that I could care less if I have a relationship with my sister but my mom I am not sure of so do i continue to let her treat me this way so I can still have a relationship with my mom or do I just forget it and break free of it all. 

 

Signed

Travelingmom

 

 

 
October 8, 2007, 3:00 am CDT

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: jaimie1974

Dear traveling mom,
You dont have to keep going back to your family seeking their approval or love; they are never going to give that to you, you need to realize that ASAP. Every time you go there with the hope that something will magically change, you are setting yourself up for disapointment. There is nothing that you can do to change your mother or your sister, you only have the power to change yourself and the way that you think. It sounds like youve already done a lot of changing in so many positive ways, and I congratulate you! I know it wasnt easy, because I was also raised in a home full of resentment, I also carried those traits and when I went to therapy I learned so much about myself and that I really could be happy- it was like being granted a new life! It is so important that you not allow your mother or your sister to have the power over you to make you feel like crap. Dont give them your personal power! You have so much to be proud of, you have wonderful children and a loving husband; they are your family now. You dont have to keep going back, hoping for acceptance- all that matters is that you accept yourself and love yourself as you are right now. Yes, it would be great if your family could realize that they are toxic; but if it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. They are comfortable with their misery and they want you to be miserable too. Dont give them what they want by continuing to go back there. Regarding your mother- what keeps you going back to her? Why do you allow her to emotionally abuse you; is it simply because she is your mother? Because if it is, that doesnt give her the license to treat you badly. My advice to you is to distance yourself from them, dont allow the hurtful things they say/do to get to you- because that is giving them what they want. But, by going there, you are putting yourself in the line of fire to be abused and bullied; love yourself more than that, you deserve so much more!! I wish you the best!

Thank you so much for your advice.  You ask me why I keep going back to my mom. Well I just came to realize why in the last couple of days.   Well when I was 17 I got preg.  when i finally told my mom that was the ultimate betrayel in her eyes and she has never forgiven me for that mortal sin in her eyes.  I do not see it as a mortal sin I see it as a wonderful joy in my life.  I have recently been faced with something in our sons life that I am realizing that there is a more greater love then my mom in all of this.  I love our son for him and my mother will never accept that so I am faced with the ulitmate betrayel again with her because I am choosing our son and accepting him and this time I realize that I love our son more then the toxic relationship that we have always had in our lives.

 

  I had started making that transition over the summer with my family and really starting to come to terms with the fact that I should not care what they think about me.   But growing up my mom had such the control over me and it was a hard thing to break that cycle.  I have broken that cycle of control over me.  I have a son now that is making choices being an adult and I do not ever want to make him feel like I did the rejection of love of acceptance and that is where I am at with all of that.  I am flying to the states in a few days to be with our son that is in college for a few days to just let him know that I love him more then life itself and whatever decision he makes both me and his dad is there to walk this journey with him. 

 

I  would always have that shred of hope everytime I would go out there to see them that things would be different and you are right that I was always very dissappointed in how the out come always was.  I never realized that until this summer when my husband left and is on the 1 year remote and I had out son going to college within 10 days apart from each other.  I was truly at peace with our life and my sister and mom seen that and did everything they could to try and tear it down but the only thing they did was make me realize that it would never change and I did not allow them to hurt me this time around.  I stood up to my mom for the first time in my life and said mom you can either deal with this jealousy and bitterness from my sister or you can keep hiding your head in the sand but either way I have done everything I could do to have a relationship with her and I am done with it now and I am truly at peace with that decision because she has never been a sister to me so I am not the one losing out she is the one losing out.   I would come home to my husband and say why do they not accept me for me.  My husband for many years has tried to tell me but I was not ready to hear it at the time.  I am now on that other side of it were I do not care anymore.  I know I have been a great mom and a wonderful wife and I have done something with my life.  No there are choices I have made that have not always been the best just like our son is making some choices in his life that I would rather him not go down but I would never want him to feel that lonleness in his life because we are so close and I do not want him to feel the way I did all of these years.  I would rather love him and show him that I accept him and have that relationship with him then push him away and say I want nothing to do with you and I am so dissappointed in you that I can't look at you anymore.  I can not imagine doing that to our son ever. 

 

So I have finally realized that it is never going to change and I am now willing to let it go and move forward in my life and truly be free.  I was free but not completly because everytime I would go out there I would feel the rejection all over again and that day telling my mom I was preg was a horriable thing in her eyes but in my eyes it was the most  wonderful thing I could say I did in my life because I gave him life and love and acceptance something I never got from my mom.  Our son and I have always had this deep relationship and wonderful relationship together.

 

 

Thank you again I am always looking for a friend to talk to and share my journey with over my years of life so far. 

 

Travelingmom

 
First | Prev | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | Next | Last