Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

Me and my younger sister have had an on going battle our whole lives. She has been jealous of me and has always tried to get between me and our mother. She tells me my mother hates me and always puts me down. She starts fights with me for no reason. She is crule and vindictive. She recently lost weight but in the past was always slightly heavier than I was. I'm 25 5'6 and weigh about 140 lbs so her new cut down is to call me fat. She is always telling me that I'm a looser because I dropped out of college even though I am a nursing assitant. I made the mistake of letting her talk me into letting her move in with me. That was stupid on my part. This past Sunday I tried waking her before I went to work to get her portion of the rent. She was drunk and began raving and we even got in a fist fight. Our lease is up in two months and I can't wait. I have done favors for her like you wouldn't believe including things that could have put me in jail by letting her use my identiy and allowing her to drive my boyfriends car after she totaled hers by drinking and driving. She is thankless and flat out crule. I have tried to make up for the past by trying to turn us into close sisters but she always pushes me away. I wish I knew a way to make things better but I'm afraid it never will be. I think I have finally given up!

Here is my situation.  I have been with my husband for 6 1/2 years now, and married for 1 year.  He is the third of four boys.  My mother-in-law always has wanted a daughter, but ended up with 4 boys!  Her oldest son (6 years older than my husband) met his wife 2 years before I came into the family, and was married just when I began dating my husband.  So she has been around 2 years longer than me.  When they first got married, it was the first wedding and was a huge ordeal.  I remember after the wedding, my mother-in-law printing pictures and making albums and framing many of the pictures from their beautiful day.  She would also frequently buy and do thoughtful things for my sister-in-law for their house, always saying to me, "when you get married I'll do the same for you."   Shortly after, they had their first baby, the first grandchild into this family.  Of course, this was a huge thing to welcome a baby!  Things began changing.  My mother-in-law began this obsession with my sister-in-law.  Please keep in mind it was and still is only the 3 girls in this family, for my other 2 brother-in-laws don't have any girls in their lives.  Anytime I went over, my mother-in-law would treat me as if I was invisible and only speak to my sister-in-law.  Sometimes it was regarding the baby, ok, but many times it was not.  It would be the 3 of us together and she would totally ignore me.  I spoke to my husband and he told me that it was bc of the baby and things would change.  We then became engaged, and her love for my SIL only became worse. In addition, there would be pictures up all over of his brother, my SIL, and the baby, but not 1 picture of my husband and I.  Again, my husband reassured me after our wedding, all our pics would be up.  So we get married, and at the time my SIL is pregnant with her second child.  We have a beautiful wedding!  I developed about 50 pictures for her from the wedding.  So a few months pass and still not 1 wedding pic up.   I talk to her about and and am willing to buy frames and make her an album.  I enlarge 2 pictures and buy a bunch of frames.  A year later, not 1 wedding picture is up in that house.  To make matters worse, I asked her for the pics I developed so I could make her an album, and she has no idea where they are.  So every time I go to their house, i have to look at the pictures of my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and their 2 adorable kids.  This is my mother-in-laws life now.  I feel like my husband and I are invisible.  Nobody cares if we come around anymore.  We are only second thoughts.  I understand they are excited about their grandkids, but the way my mother-in-law caters to my sister-in-law drives me crazy.  She is always calling her, buying her things, they go shopping together, she has her over for lunch all the time, yet she never includes me.  My husband has brought this up to his mom before (though I hate to put him in the middle), and her excuse is that she is older and has been around longer.  My husband suggest I call her more and stop by.  I called her this morning to say hi and asked if I could stop by and borrow the wedding album I ended up making for her with my pictures.  She got quiet, and then asked if I wanted to stay for lunch bc she had invited my sister-in-law over.  She couldn't have called to invite me when she invited her?  I know I am a thoughtful person and I always do the right thing.  I am good to my mother-in-law and just cannot understand why she does this to me.  I like my sister in law and have spoken to her about this.  She realizes it and feels horrible...although it has nothing to do with her.  What more can I do?  I don't want to put my husband in the middle, and I don't want to fight with him about this anymore.  I know I married him and not his mother...but our families are a huge part of our lives.  When i am around his mom(pretty much every weekend), I don't want to feel like this.  I don't want to come home crying and have anxiety about being ignored and left out.  I have spoken to her and emailed her several times about the way I feel, and she seems to think I am jealous of the attention the babies get.  This is not the case at all....I just want to be treated like my sister-in-law and be made to feel like a part of the family.  If anybody has some advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated! 

I went to my mothers 70th birthday celebration that my oldest sister planned for her and i felt like such an outsider. I talked with relatives i have not seen in a while and that was great, but it seemed that my oldest sister took over and my mother all the time thinks she is so great and never recognizes me. My sister gave her a toast and my mother said,"i thank all of you for coming, and i especially thank and she said my sisters name.  I helped set up the party and my mom did not even mention me. Then my son was having fun with other kids and my sister says"oh, there are firetruck rides and i should take my son and the other kids to the firetruck rides. I told her my son did not want to go on the truck ride and she proceeded to tell me "that is what parents do" about the truck ride. It made me feel like dirt. Her and my mother spend every Friday night drinking wine together and i am always left out and i feel hurt and angry. To top it off that sister sat me down Friday night and tried to get along with me and we started talking about my flowers in front of my house (which are a memorial to my miscarried babies), She started saying that my miscarried babies were not really babies. I just walked out. I have an eleven year old son who is the love of my life, and she has two grown sons and my other sister has three sons. I feel like such a failure having just one son. I am sorry, i just had to get that out. I wish i could handle her and my mother better where they would see me for me. Thank You 

Hi. I really need advice. I am dealing with a mother who undermines me with my son left and right and constantly puts down my mothering skills and thinks my sisters are the greatest. I then also deal with a husband who does nothing with our son including discipline which leaves me basically a single mother. I am a stay at home mom and love it and recently went back to school and am proud of myself. My mother said "oh, i hope you are not biting off more than you can chew when i went back. I applied for the financial aid and got it and passed my first few courses without her help. I also had three miscarriages in one year and a pituitary tumor removed. My oldest sister told me i should get over the loss of my babies because they were not real babies at 6 weeks, 6 weeks, and 8 weeks and i know they were. I was really hurt. I believe in myself and i wish i did not want their approval, but i would like it. I once would like to hear they are proud of who i am. Am i wrong? If i tell them i am angry, they accuse me of  "going off". I do not talk to one of my sisters because she called my son an animal with a swear word in front of the word animal and she refuses to apologize to us, so i do not speak to her and she is a social worker in a veterens hospital. I am sorry to be rambling on, i would appreciate some opinions on how to deal with them. Thank You

Hi. this problem has been going on for some time now, and I feel that it's wrong of me to say anything like, "just butt out or leave me alone".

My brother works for a major firm and has 3 kids (2, 7& 11), a nice car and is divorced, but is seeing someone ( she works for a major firm as well has 2 kids, teens) They both have high paying jobs and most of the time want for nothing.

My husband makes a good salary and is capable of taking care of our little family. There's 3 of us. we have a car, outdated but it does what we need it to do. Our daughter is 11. I stopped working in 2003 after I got really sick and was told to prioritize by my doctor. I was over-worked, sleep deprived, stressed and didn't even spend time with my daughter. So I slowed down and things slowly began to make sense.

I had recently divorced and was just trying to plant my feet again. But for some reason I didn't want to go back to work for anyone. So I did a course and got a top award from it. It was my then best friend (my present husband) really got me into it, (computer graphics). Eventually we were married and have no other choice but to live with my family till we get a place. We have our little business at home. It doesn't make thousands per month but it's a passion and my husband still has his job of 13 years.

My brother (older), who lives next door has a problem with me not working out of the home. If I go over to talk to him about anything, it always leads to me not working. And I should be more than a HOUSE-WIFE. "You're just there" he says, "putting on weight and the business isn't picking up fast enough." He even brought it up in front of his g/friend. I felt sooo very embarrassed. I felt degraded as well. My brother keeps telling me that he is sure my husband wants me to work but is afraid to say it and hurt my feelings. I"ve spoken to my husband on many occasions about it and he still feels that if I want to go out to work, it's my choice and he supports me 100% no matter what I do. Once my health is great and I'm not stressed he's great.

I love it when I cook dinner or make some new recipe and they go crazy over it. I LOVE taking care of my family....But I feel horrible if we pay off bills and other things and have almost nothing the week before pay day. Sometimes I feel like such a failure to my family and then having to hear it constantly from my brother makes me feel so depressed. Part of me is afraid too that if I go back out to work I'll get all involved in it like I was before and neglect my family like I did my daughter all those years ago. I told my brother that when my daughter starts high school next year I'll think about something part-time. But he isn't backing down. Please give me a bit of advice? After being badgered by my brother so often, I spend many nights unable to sleep & crying (like now) thinking how horrible I am to be putting all the financial pressure on my husband.

High flyers with 3 children delagate an awful lot of childcare and logistics to other people.  Your brother does not realise the impact of taking on an outside job would have.  His view is probably that you got very run down in the aftermath of your divorce and now it is about time you pushed yourself into returning to "normality".  You on the other hand seem to be getting very concerned with your brother's opinion in the face of your husband's repeated assertions that the current situation is fine with him.  The sleepless nights crying aren't doing you any good either.  In your position I'd go back to the doctor who told you to prioritise and get a professional opinion as to where you are in terms of 4 years ago - improved, much improved or still some way to go.  Then decide what you can manage to take on.  Personally I'think putting a bit more time into your business would be the way to go.  Perhaps you are relying too much on word of mouth and not marketing yourself strongly enough?  Another course on business management might help.

 

 

Well this is my first time on the message board.  I find myself writing this on the evening of what would have been my best friend and sister's 45th birthday.  I guess I just wanted to reflect on what the show's message was for me personally.  I lost my sister to a brain tumor 7 years ago. I found out on her 38th birthday she had what is called a gbm and 28 days later she was gone.  I have two younger brothers and one older sister and I only speak to my youngest brother.  Our family was the poster family of disfunction and my youngest brother and I seemed to find the light at the end of the tunnel and are the only two that have maintained our relationship. My oldest brothers and my oldest sister seem to still have struggles. I know I need to be the hero and reconnect with them. I cannot believe I let so much precious time go by and not contact my other two siblings.  I have reached out before with little success and am not sure how to reach out again.  Or maybe, I'm just afraid I will fail again.  My sister Wendy seemed to be the glue in this family and I feel if she were still here we would still be communicating with one another.

Hello, I really need advice. I have a mother who has battled breast cancer for the past year and also have two sisters.  The problem i have is that my mother only criticizes me and calls me useless and constantly belittles me and everything I do and thinks my sisters can do no wrong. I can not even go to church without her criticizing me and saying that i am looking around and not following the book in mass. I am 42 years old and am married and have an eleven year old son(who is the love of my life), and i pay my bills and i go to college classes(without her help).  I do not know why i care or want her to validate me and say anything nice about me, but i do. Am i wrong?  For example, this past September, i decided to go back to college and i got financial aid and i was so happy and i called her to tell her when i would begin my classes and she says"oh, i hope you did not bite off more than you can chew".  All i wanted her to say was that she was proud of me and that she knows i would do great and that never came.  She also always tells me how she can have a conversation with my oldest sister and that i am useless. I always take care of her brother with special needs when she goes out with her friends. I get the feeling that she is embarrassed of me being her daughter and i do nothing but love her.She has done that all my life and i am sick of it. I would really appreciate some advice.  I find myself crying just thinking of the way she treats me.  I am sorry to be rambling on.  Thank You

Hi Jamie,  Its melissa, I hope u still remember me!  Its been a long time and I just came back ot the site and saw your still on here.  Can u please email me. angeleyes30@cox.net

 

Melissa