Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

Thank you so much for your advice.  You ask me why I keep going back to my mom. Well I just came to realize why in the last couple of days.   Well when I was 17 I got preg.  when i finally told my mom that was the ultimate betrayel in her eyes and she has never forgiven me for that mortal sin in her eyes.  I do not see it as a mortal sin I see it as a wonderful joy in my life.  I have recently been faced with something in our sons life that I am realizing that there is a more greater love then my mom in all of this.  I love our son for him and my mother will never accept that so I am faced with the ulitmate betrayel again with her because I am choosing our son and accepting him and this time I realize that I love our son more then the toxic relationship that we have always had in our lives.

 

  I had started making that transition over the summer with my family and really starting to come to terms with the fact that I should not care what they think about me.   But growing up my mom had such the control over me and it was a hard thing to break that cycle.  I have broken that cycle of control over me.  I have a son now that is making choices being an adult and I do not ever want to make him feel like I did the rejection of love of acceptance and that is where I am at with all of that.  I am flying to the states in a few days to be with our son that is in college for a few days to just let him know that I love him more then life itself and whatever decision he makes both me and his dad is there to walk this journey with him. 

 

I  would always have that shred of hope everytime I would go out there to see them that things would be different and you are right that I was always very dissappointed in how the out come always was.  I never realized that until this summer when my husband left and is on the 1 year remote and I had out son going to college within 10 days apart from each other.  I was truly at peace with our life and my sister and mom seen that and did everything they could to try and tear it down but the only thing they did was make me realize that it would never change and I did not allow them to hurt me this time around.  I stood up to my mom for the first time in my life and said mom you can either deal with this jealousy and bitterness from my sister or you can keep hiding your head in the sand but either way I have done everything I could do to have a relationship with her and I am done with it now and I am truly at peace with that decision because she has never been a sister to me so I am not the one losing out she is the one losing out.   I would come home to my husband and say why do they not accept me for me.  My husband for many years has tried to tell me but I was not ready to hear it at the time.  I am now on that other side of it were I do not care anymore.  I know I have been a great mom and a wonderful wife and I have done something with my life.  No there are choices I have made that have not always been the best just like our son is making some choices in his life that I would rather him not go down but I would never want him to feel that lonleness in his life because we are so close and I do not want him to feel the way I did all of these years.  I would rather love him and show him that I accept him and have that relationship with him then push him away and say I want nothing to do with you and I am so dissappointed in you that I can't look at you anymore.  I can not imagine doing that to our son ever. 

 

So I have finally realized that it is never going to change and I am now willing to let it go and move forward in my life and truly be free.  I was free but not completly because everytime I would go out there I would feel the rejection all over again and that day telling my mom I was preg was a horriable thing in her eyes but in my eyes it was the most  wonderful thing I could say I did in my life because I gave him life and love and acceptance something I never got from my mom.  Our son and I have always had this deep relationship and wonderful relationship together.

 

 

Thank you again I am always looking for a friend to talk to and share my journey with over my years of life so far. 

 

Travelingmom

 Travelingmom,
It is so wonderful that you share a close, loving relationship with your son. Your son and your husband are your family now; those two people are the ones you have the most loyalty to, the ones that you want to be accepted by and have unconditional love for. It is really amazing that although you were raised in a toxic, dysfunctional household, you now have true peace, love and happiness in your life- you deserve this so much. I think that because you have this peace, love and happiness in your life, your mother and sister simply can’t stand it. They are miserable, and they need others to be miserable. If people around them are happy, it makes them feel bad about themselves; so they will do or say anything they can to knock you down, to make you feel the same way that they do; only then do they feel good about themselves.
You have set yourself free!! Congratulations to you. You will probably have times when you feel sad about the loss of a healthy, happy relationship with your family; when those times come, you’ve got to force yourself to remember that your mother and sister are simply not the type of people that you can have a healthy, happy relationship with.
You have many positive things in your life to focus on and I urge you to do that. You’ve never had a healthy family relationship with your mother and sister, but you do have a healthy, happy family relationship with your son and husband. Have you read any self-help books regarding these issues? I highly recommend “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward. It will help you along your healing journey. I wish you the very best! Take care of yourself.

Currently, I am living with my parents, and I find myself getting particularly tired of their attitudes.  I don't know if it's me, it might be, but I like to think of myself as a calm person.  Anyhow.

In 2005, when I was 18, I got a job at a Starbucks that was a really good move for me, because it was a chance for me to get started on getting my life together and for me to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  I was among 8 others who started working at the store as soon as it was open, we had been trained before the store was open for business.  I was told I was really good, the best they have seen in fact, and I was approached 6-8 months into the job, asking if I would be interested into being an assistant manager.  My manager was a lovely woman, and said that she didn't know what she would do without me.  After that I began doing little things here and there.  I would train new employees, set work schedules, and all that stuff, about a year after I started working there to begin with, after totally falling in love with my job, I was told by my parents that we would be moving to a town an hour away.  Because there was no way I would be able to afford to live in a city like Calgary, with the job I had had.  I told my manager I would be leaving, and she was quite upset, I was aswell.  My father, and uncle both have jobs in the city aswell, in a glass company, and my father told me I might aswell quit, and basically said I would not be able to get from where we were moving to the place I was working, so he said I was going to have to quit.  He was going to quit his job and get one more local... On the week of the move, after have quited my job, My mother had told me that my father was NOT quitting his job, that he was going to drive an hour to where we used to live to go to work.  I was appauled.  I had called and they said they had already fit my position, fair enough.  Being totally surprised, I started looking for another job... I had found a job as qiuckly as I searched for it, I stayed there for a total of 4 days, it was out of my own stupidity that I quit.  I was not myself at all, and feel dumb for quitting when I had a position.. but I lived with it.  I couldn't stand it.  One of the supervisors I could not stand her.  I TOTALLY respect authority, but her, it was on another level.  When I was hired everyone was excited because I had so much training when it came to coffee etc, and the supervisor did not seem to like me very much.  I tried my hardest to be nice, I would see her helping out the other employees... the first day of my job, she put me on a cash register.. that I didn't know how to use, she didn't even show me how.  While on the cash trying to figure it out, with no guidance whatsoever, she yells at me and tells me to stock things, and I was really confused as to what I was doing.  So I started stocking cups, and then she yells at me again to tend to costumers.  Basically she's run me around like a horse while other new employees like myself she was nice as sunshine, so, I quit, also, because of her comments about calling me "Fat".  I was totally fed up with that, and I thought I didn't deserve it, so I left.  It was due to a uniform pair of pants that weren't fitting and she exclaimed "Well if you weren't so fat, it'd fit".  I myself don't consider myself fat.. but to each his own.

After I quit the job, my mother tells me to take a summer off, and relax.  She asked me to wait after summer to get a job, and of course I was surprised and said "WHY?!"  She said that the family was going to go camping a lot and that they want to make sure that I'm able to go with them.  So I thought to myself "OK well it's only 2 months what could hurt"  I did... a month later, we never went anywhere whatsoever.  I asked my mother I said "You know I need to get a job..." and she said "Summer isn't over", so I waited.  All summer, we went camping once.  Which I can understand if they wanted to go more but couldn't but we had PLENTY of oppurtunities and my parents are very wealthy. 

So, after that I find out we are once again moving, ok, that was easy enough, we moved down the street.  Now, I am currently in that house.  We moved here 5 months ago atleast.  When I first moved into the house, I started looking for a job, I got a call, and I was good to go.  I had an interview it all went well.  Then I get a call from the company saying they made a mistake and that another manager already hired someone for the spot they were going to give me.  Ok, so then my father comes home from work, he asks me if they called, and I said "Yeah they had me fill out the forms and then they said I can't have the job because they made a mistake and the managers weren't communicating".  He said "oh" and I thought everything would be good.  But no... I start filling out more resumes that night, my dad appears he just came home, he comes into my room, and he says "Come with me".  Fair enough, so I went with my father, and we went for a drive.  He told me that he was JUST at the place and asked them what there problem was.  He went in and he told them that they should get their act together, and they said they would be happy to take me.  He told me that he said "My daughter is a very hard worker, she's a little mouthy at times, but she's a good girl".  I couldn't believe that... I really honestly couldn't.  He asked me he said "Dave just wants me to find out from you if you still want the job and they'll be happy to give it to you".  I mean he might have good intentions, but he basically told me that he told them off... plus he was talking about me.  The last thing I needed was to get a job because my daddy couldn't take no for an answer.  He asked me he said "if you don't want the job, I asked them if I could give it to your mother", because I was unsatisfied by how he got me the job, I told him to.  That week while my mother was feeling out the paper work, my father approaches me and says "You want a job?"  and I said "Of course I do, and I've been looking"  he says "ok well, I have a deal for you, your mother is going to be working, so I was wondering if you would like to stay home, take care of the house work, the dogs and your little brother, and I'll throw some money your way"  I asked him how long, and he said for 3 months.  It's been 5, I'm still not ALLOWED believe or not to get a job, and he has not given me one penny.  I could care less for the money, I mean I am living at home not paying rent... but it's just the fact he offered and gave me nothing.  I don't smoke, do drugs, the only really living expense I have is food, which I don't eat a lot of.  Right now, I am waiting until we move for me to be able to go to another province and work, so I can save money to move out.  I kind of feel like I'm stuck :S.

I think what probably is bothering the most is their attitude, the way they see things.  All my life, my father has done pretty much nothing but yell, and belittle everyone in the household, the same as my mother to be honest.  When I was little my father used to hit me, really hard, and I can still remember the feeling.  My mother used to call me really mean things, things that a young girl shouldn't even be hearing from her own mother.  Once she asked me to move something from underneathe the house, so I did, I never disobeyed my parents, I was too scared of them, I tried to move a roll of carpet from underneathe the house, and it was too heavy for me to lift, and my mother said "Kelly you're &&^%%$ weak, if you weren't so ^&*&%*&%$ fat you wouldn't be having this problem.  Get the hell out of my sight".  That whole night I was up crying.  My mother on occasion when I was 7-15 years old, she would call me names like that, and I would tell her how it made me feel and she would give me a dirty look and tellme to cut the crap.  My dad would do the exact same thing.  I came home from school and I got really good grades, and I said "Look Look", you know how kids get excited, my mother rolled her eyes and said "Yeah that's nice".  My whole life has been me trying to make them happy.. the only thing I have done in my life that is what I wanted was get the job at Starbucks, that they didn't even want...

My parents can be petty about stupid little things.  For instance, can you believe my family fights about coffee?  yes, it's true.  My grandmother bought coffee, and my mother drinks out of it, and hides her can of coffee in her room, that is locked all the time.  She tells my little brother to TAKE IT EASY on the water.  We have little little cups, I mean like baby sippy cups and if he goes to get another glass she yells at him and says "KEEP IT EASY ON THE WATER".  Or she will tell me to stay out of the milk altogether, while my dad drinking a large LARGE glass of it right infront of everyone.  My uncle, he's a total saint, he's very giving, and never puts anything above my brother and I.  Another example of stupid things my dad blows out of proportion.  Once my uncle bought take out, and we were having it, and my uncle had gone to the bathroom before getting a plate, my dad yelled "You better get some because once I take it it's too late".  I said "Didn't Al buy it?"  and he started yelling at me, no joke and said "What the &9*^ are you talking about?  I don't give a &*(%* who bought it, it's here I'm going to eat it."  He was REALLY loud... While a couple of nights before he was telling everyone to stay out oif his, and when my uncle ate it he was swearing and SOOOOO angry.  At FOOD!!!!!!!  Also my father has this "I am the king of the house attitude" not only does that effect me it effects the whole house.  He comes home, if he is NOT served first he gets so angry and says "I work hard and I don't get served first?"  THEN when he getst the food he compares how much he has with everyone else, to make sure he has more.  AND when he is done, he will steal off my mothers plate, until she ends up giving it to him.  What's sad is my mother is REALLY skinny, she almost looks like she is TOO skinny, and in a day, all she eats are cakes, and maybe 1 piece of toast.  She ate one sandwhich the other day, and she said she was full and didn't eat for the rest of the day...

Also, whenever my uncle comes home from shopping, he rummages through his bags, and questions why he has bought what he bought.  Before I bought Tampons and he opened my bag quickly and said "What is that?" and I said "Girl toiletry items...." and he closes the bag and gives me a dirty look. >_<.

What is also really annoying is he has told me numerous times he does get mad at stupid things, but he said that I am the same way.  He said that he got mad because I was mothing off at him, I have never once in my life raised my voice at my parents.  What happened was one day we were watching a movie, and my bf said something and went to the bathroom, my father went up to me and said "What did you say?" and I said "I didn't say anything..."  and he starts YELLING no joke, and says "YES YOU DID!  I&^(*^*& heard you"  I asked him "What did I say then?" I was soooo confused as to what was going on, and he got angry and started swearing saying yes I did say something, and I told him, I said "My bf did, not me", and he said "h for &(*%^ sakes, throws the remote on the couch, slams his fist against the coffee table".  I started crying because I thought what he did was so inappropriate.  I told him I said "ok, I'm going to go out until you've had time to cool down..."  so I walked with my bf to a park, and my father pulls up. and demands we get into the vehicle.  Some may say "There is more to the story"  but no, I am seriously not leaving anything out.  We got home and he said I was mouthing off at him by saying I didn't say anything.  Can you believe that? He told me that we shouldn't be arguing.. which I was never to begin with, and that I never come upstairs and talk to them, and I told him everytime I do, he ends up yelling at me... and that seeing a person with an angry face does not make me feel happy...

My mother is not as bad, but he makes her feel bad aswell, my mother doesn't even want to hug him anymore.  He pushes her around and demands her to do everything for me.  With lines such as "Get me some water"  "Make me this..." "Do this for me"  And if she does something he doesn't appreciate it or say thank you, he takes it inspects everything she does that he's askes if she did it "Not up to his standards" he says that she is not all there and can't do anything.

My father thinks I have a problem... for a girl who has always listened to mommy and daddy they have me scared of living here.  I can't go up stairs without one of them arguing with me.  I try to avoid the confrontation by not speaking to them, because everytime I have tried to speak to them, my father always ends up yelling.  He even gets mad when I go to the bathroom!  I am NOT a girl who spends hour sin the bathroom.  I am merely brushing my teeth.  I will be in the bathroom at 2:00am and EVERY time I am in the bathroom he comes out BANGS on the door, doesn't say anything, he swears up and down, and then he goes outside to use the bathroom.  He has doen that numerous times, and he asked this time "WHO is in there?"  I asked him "What does it matter?  Either way you're going to have to wait."  I didn't say it in a rude tone or anything, I admit it might have sounded bad, but he slammed a chair down.

Also, while cooking, they make a HUGE mess and yes, I get it I clean it, I don't work, it's my job, but say if I am in the middle of cooking they demand me to clean the counter at the exact same time as me cooking... but yet they will leave containers and just filth everywhere.  Maybe we don't understand eachother, I know I don't understand them.  They tell me they realize they are the way they are but they won't do anything to change it?  I don't know how to take this.  My uncle clearly sees what is going on and everytime they have an "Angry spell" he nods his head.  He thinks there is no need for the attitude.  I asked him if he thinks I had a bad attitude and he told me that he doesn't think I do.. because he said I never talk back to my parents.  I trust him because he is a very honest man.  I am not trying to point fingers at anyone, but my parents are stubborn.  I tell them I want to fix our relationship, becuase we as a family shouldn't be acting that way, and I get a "YOU have the BAD attitude not me".  My fathers comebacks are always "It's YOU not me".  My uncle has spoken up for me once and said "You know you are acting so childish" and my dad told him to not dare say anything like that again.

I have no clue what is going on >_<.  I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I try to stay as happy and positive as possible, but everytime I think "I'm going to do this, or this" I always in the end think of how it's going to make them react.  Because I am home all alone while my brother is in school I asked them with the money my uncle gives me if I could buy a hamster to keep me company, and they flat out said "NO we don't want anymore animals in the house".  Except with my dogs I am NOT allowed to untie them only to take them outside, I am not allowed to play with them.  Poor dogs NEVER get off the leash.  They have a REALLY short leash right close to the wall... in the house, and my mother yells at our dog Katie when she STANDS up from her leash area.  WHEN SHE STANDS.  I feel so bad for the dogs  I had to build the courage for a WEEK to ask them if I could spend 30 dollars on a hamster with the accesories etc I already have for a hamster, for my room, and my dad said "NO"  I told him I said "Why not it's going to be in my room, you never come downstairs anyways, you'll never see it"  he swore, punched a wall, went into his room and slammed the door and yelled for me to not start.  I am honestly not leaving anything out.

I'm so sorry if this is really long.  I just need some advice.  EVERY person in this house wants to move out.  Me, my little brother who is only 12!  My uncle and my grandmother.  I don't know what I'm trying to get from writing this... maybe some advise.  I was told by my councellor that because the way I was emotional abused growing up I feel like I could have feelings that the reason things are the way they are is because of me, but for some reason in the end it always feels like it's my fault... I don't know how, but it's the feeling you know?  Does anyone have any words of advice?  I know some might say move out but that is not an option.  But my uncle and I are talking about having my boyfriend and I live with him in the next place we move when he purchases a house so we can pay rent and help him OWN the house, and we'll save up for our own, and jokes I will have to make him my delicious food while living with him, lol.  I am although scared at this, because if my parents knew we wanted to all move in together they would get mad and question me on WHY would I want to live with him and not them... in the future I can sense a really bad argument >_<.  OR them telling me I am NOT moving out.

I am 19 years old, I am not allowed to go out, if I want to go shopping I am told "You don''t need that" except I think deodorant is VERY important.  , in school I wasn't allowed to see friends outside of school, I can really go on and on wih this... but I won't bore anyone with it all.  Hopefully I've said enough and it doesn't look like I'm whining.  I just need some advice as to what I should do about all this.  Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks.

Kel 

Your state of living sounds very depressing. My advice to you is to take baby steps every day towards happiness, doing something that makes YOU feel happy. Such as playing with your dogs; because no one is home, why not go ahead and play with the dogs? Leaving the dog tied up all the time is abusive.
The way you describe your mother and father is very controlling. Your father wants to control everyone and everything in the home, and your mother is controlled by him, therefore, she ‘needs’ to control others since she has no control of herself. Your counselor at school is correct about your feelings; because of the way you were raised- to believe that you are insignificant/don’t matter, etc., you will tend to blame yourself for things that go wrong in your life. I urge you to learn to not do this because you will never experience true happiness that way! I know it is very hard not to blame yourself; I was also raised in an abusive home. I had years of therapy to un-learn my dysfunctional habits.
You are 19, you can move when you want to. It is reasonable to give at least a two week notice to your parents before you move so they can make other arrangements for someone to care for the home. (Your brother is 12; can’t he be home alone?)
Have you considered college? I urge you to think about furthering your education. Your first priority should be getting out of your controlling household, though. It is time for you to live your life for YOU, not for anyone else. I wish you the best!

Thank you very much for your response.  I play with the dogs, except my grandmother lives with us aswell and she tells my parents I had the dogs untied, and then all hell breaks loose.  So... I think my parents have my grandmother as a spy so they know what I am doing when they are at work >_<.

It's funny, you mention my little brother.  Yes he is 12, and my parents are really protective of him aswell... My mother takes him to school in the morning, and he walks home, and supposedly they said I have to be home to MAKE sure he gets home?  If he's late at all, I have to go out and look for him.  So that means if he's a minute late they expect me to put on my shoes and go searching for him.  Except my brother always comes home... and the school is a block away.  I can pretty much see it from here... he's a good kid, and my parents always want me to be home when he gets home.  I had to go to town once, and they didn't want me to go, because they said they wanted to make sure my brother got home at 3:00... >_<.

I would move out, but because I have been FORCED to not get a job, yes yes, forced sounds stupid, but they are really intimidating, I now have to wait a couple of months before we move to SASK for me to get a job.  AND by all means, as of now, any money I get my hands on I'm saving to get out of here... my uncle says we all need to get out... and we'll do it together.  I'm so happy to have an uncle as sweet as him.

As for college, I've been thinking about things like that for awhile, and I've never been able to find out what I want to do.  I was thinking something to do with graphics or photography, I love to do things like that.  Just right now, I'm not financially able to do that, but of course I will get on track some day, and think of things like that more in depth!  Right now, for me, first priority is to get out... so I can make a decision about school on my own...

Thank you so much for your advice.  Take care of yourself.

I really need help! I am ver depressed and should not be feeling this way. I am 27 and my sister is 26. I have always felt like my sister had a better life than me. Growing up she had more friends, was in Miss. Bearcat (school pageant and had to be voted in) made great grades. She then went to college and got a degree. I however went two years to tech and was not smart enough to stay in school. She then got a 5 1/2 carat diamond ring and got married. I was soooo upset and cried because I always wanted to get married. She could care less. She had an amazing fancy wedding (help from her husbands parents of course) I later got married (no finacial support from parents) and had to pay for the wedding myself. Not that my parents did not approve, they just did not have the money for a wedding and his parents did not either. Then I had the worst wedding possible (issue with a drunk bridesmaid which ruined my small cheap one). Later she went off and bought a $400,000 home. My husband and I live in a patio home. Money is not everything to me, however I feel that her life is perfect! Well today i found out she is pregnant. I cried my eyes out. Not because we can not have children, but for the fact that I marriend an Airforce man and he is being shipped over seas for 6 months and we have to wait before we even try. While she is pregnant getting all the attention, I will be lonely missing my husband. I know this is very bad for me to feel this way, but I cant help it. She is my younger sister and is always doing everything first and is always in the spotlight turning all of my dreams into her reality! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!! I DONT LIKE FEELING THIS WAY!

Do you expect your sister to put her life on hold and not reach goals until you do it first? If so, that is totally unrealistic. You are older, but only by one year. Even if it was by five years, your jealousy is unreasonable. It is understandable to feel some jealousy and/or resentment; but these are things that are out of your control. They are even out of her control- you wouldn’t expect her to have a small wedding simply because it is what you would have, would you? She had nothing to do with your bridesmaid being drunk. That wasn’t her fault. You can’t go back into the past and change anything- besides, high school was a long time ago- its time to get over it. You are focusing on your sister, when you should be focusing on YOU. The one and only person that you have any control over is yourself. Instead of wasting time and energy on your sister, use that time and energy to focus on yourself, to improve yourself so that you have higher self esteem.
Your husband is going away for 6 months, just like thousands of other military husbands this year. It is very sad, and I know that you will miss him terribly. But to look on the positive side, this is time for you to work on improving yourself. Take some night classes, or weekend workshops- join activities that you enjoy. These are all things that will help to increase your sense of self worth. You may never feel as “good” as your sister, but you are just as worthy as she is. You two have totally different life paths, that is all. You shouldn’t hold against her things that she has no control over. She is having a precious baby, this is a happy time. My advice to you is to force yourself to be happy for her, and maybe those feelings will become real. Life is about choices; if you choose to focus on the negativity, then that is all you will experience. If you choose to focus on positive things, then that is what you will experience. I wish you the best!

Please look into financial help to go to college- you will probably qualify for financial assistance if you aren’t living with your parents, and even if you are living with them, you might qualify. But, once you are out of the family home, don’t waste any time checking into it- there are so many opportunities for you! You are concerned that you can’t figure out what you want to do with your life, and that is actually very normal for your age. The best thing to do is to take classes in all topics/subjects that you enjoy, and from there, you can narrow it down to exactly what you like. I wish you well!

Don't let anyone tell you that your feelings are wrong.  They are just feelings.  And there is a reason you feel that you resent your sister.  Are you close to her?  It sounds to me you miss having a loving and close relationship with her. Is that the case?  I believe if you felt close to your sister that all of the monetary things would not matter.  It sounds like you don't feel accepted by either your sister or your family.  Remember feelings come to the surface with a much deeper meaning and need.  so really look at what it is you are needing from your family.  Monetary things are not necessarily the reason you feel the way you do.  somewhere throughout your life someone has made you feel less than around your sister.  so look at that and there will be your answer.

I need some help dealing with my feelings.

I have finally found a good man. He's attractive, funny, great personality, good heart, and he loves me for who I am. He is everything i have ever wanted in a man, except, he has a 5 year old daughter, and I still have problems dealing with it. She does not live with us, she only stays the weekend every two weeks. She is a good girl and everything, that's not the issue. Having a baby and starting a family is very important to me and I have a hard time dealing with the fact that I will not be having his first child. He doesn't see why it's such a big deal, but to me it is!

To make matters worse, his daughter has a 3 year old half brother who my boyfriend likes to take on the weekends too. Eventhough it is not his son, he acts like a father figure to him and at times, it is overwhelming for me. Its hard enough for me to deal with the fact that he has a daughter, but now it's almost as if he has a son. I feel jealous sometimes. I wish he had no children in his life besides our own and that the children he loved where mine and his, not his ex's.

I almost feel robbed of the joy and the experience of having a child since he already went through it once. How do I deal with my feelings and put this behind me?