Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

Are you sure this man wants to have children with you?  Is he divorced?  How old is he?  How old are you?  How long have you known him?

 

The guy does sound good and he seems to enjoy being around kids.  Kids need that--an involved dad or father figure.  If it is bothering you so much, you might want to consider waiting for a man who has no children. 

 

What is the overwhelming part for you?  Is it that you are not used to being around kids?  Do you feel left out of the activities?

 

 

You don’t provide some important information in your post: how old are you, how old is your boyfriend, is he divorced, how long have you been together? The answers to those questions are important because they relate to what kind of answer you should get.
Going on the basic info, the only advice I can give you is this: you’ve got to make a final decision and then make the best of what you have. Your choices are: 1) leave the relationship because it is important to you that you have a family with someone who didn’t already start a family, or 2) stay in the relationship, find a way to accept that if this is the person that you are meant to be with, then approach these children with the spirit of willingness in your heart. These children are a part of him, they are essential pieces of his life. Even though the boy isn’t biologically his, taking him in and loving him like his own is something done out of the goodness of his heart. Do you have enough kindness in your heart to match his? If you don’t, it doesn’t mean that you are a bad person- it means that you aren’t meant to be in this relationship. It isn’t selfish to want your boyfriend to yourself, but you knew that he had children all along, correct? This isn’t a surprise that he just sprung on you. I wish you the best!

Hi. I am writing this while everyone is over my oldest sisters house after my grandmothers funeral mass. I walked to my moms, and the other sister(who is dead in my book) was over my mothers acting like the whole world revolves around her, and her kids were running around my mothers house(my son was at school), and i got a little angry and stayed in the other room away from that sister, and my mother comes and says to me "oh, get over it, it was three years since she hurt you." and do not come to your other sisters house if you do not say hi to the other sister. She said if you don't, my brother-in-law will throw me out of their house. I chose not to go all together and send my husband over there to have food and chit chat. I am sooo angry that my mother does not even validate my feelings ever and my other sisters can do no wrong. The sister i do not talk to is taking my mother and her own kids on a trip this week and did not even ask my son to go with them. Am i wrong to be angry? I validate my own feelings, even though nobody in my own family seems to care. They always go on both my sisters sides and act like i am not a good person and that i am dirt. I know i am a good person and a good mom. I really need advice on this situation. My dad just called to want me to go over, but i did not answer the phone and i refuse to go over. Thank You.

No one in your family is interested in changing. They enjoy being toxic, that is their comfort zone. It is sad and sick, but that is their choice.
Did your sister ever apologize to you? Even if she never apologizes to you, my advice to you is to find the strength within yourself to forgive her. (I don’t mean to say that to her face; my advice is to forgive her in your heart and mind, not to verbalize it.) Holding on to a grudge is draining and unhealthy for YOU. If you can forgive her, you can let go of all that pent-up anger and hatred. (Or at least feel a little less of it) The things that she said to you regarding your child were very hurtful, and I know, personally, that I would also feel extremely pissed off that no one seems to understand your side. But, again, your family isn’t interested in getting along and being happy- they thoroughly enjoy toxicity. The best thing you can do is distance yourself from the toxicity. Think about how you want to feel on a day to day basis; wouldn’t it be great to have a feeling of calmness? Don’t allow hurtful and/or negative comments, that you know are not true, to ‘get’ to you. Your sister would LOVE to see and/or hear that you are hurt/angry about the things that she has said; it would make her feel good about herself. It makes her feel powerful; knowing that she has the power to control your feelings. Take your personal power back. I know that it isn’t easy to forgive or to let go of past hurt, but you aren’t doing it for your family, you need to do this for yourself. Take care of yourself, you deserve to have happiness!

Thank you. She never apologized. I have decided that i will distance myself more from them, because i am sick of being put down. My oldest sister said that the sister i don't speak to saw me hug her kids when they were crying, yet she never said thank you for consoling her sons. I love my nephews and i would never treat them meanly or call them names. I have stopped waiting for her to apologize, i sent her a letter two weeks ago and she proceeded to throw it in the garbage. I really appreciate your advice. You are right, i do deserve happiness and one of my friends who called me said the same exact thing to me today. The thing is that i hate being like this, she was not always this mean (half of the time anyway).  I get jealous when i see families that are so happy and caring and i wish my family was like that.

It is sad that you family isn’t close, but you have your own family now, your child and husband, and with them, you can begin new traditions that are happy. You have the ability to create happy memories with them instead of continuing to suffer through holidays with your dysfunctional family. Put your whole heart into making holidays/special times a lot of fun so that you don’t even think about ‘what could have been’ with your family. It won’t be easy, because dealing with your toxic family has been like a life-long habit for you, but once you truly distance yourself from them, you will discover that the effort is so worth the rewards. I wish you the best!

Hi. Thank You. I am happy with my son and husband and have planned to spend holidays visiting my mother-in-law. I am extremely upset today, they have been undermining me left and right, last week they took my son to my sisters house(who i don't speak to) without telling me until the next day, when i thought he was sleeping over his other aunt's house and they did not even let my son call me and tell me he was going to spend time with his cousins. The next thing is she went away last week with the sister i do not speak to and her three kids, and when she came back she acted so mean towards me. I told her this weekend my son and my husband and i are busy and he will not be seeing her and she said "oh, i hope he studies math and reading." She then proceeded to call me an idiot.  I try not to let it get to me, but she keeps doing mean things. She also took a nice kitchen hutch that i wanted from my grandmothers apartment(she died last week). The movers came with all the stuff for me and that was not on the moving truck and i called her and she said "oh, that is in my kitchen". I am trying to let go of my anger towards the family, but it is hard. I also try to distance myself, but i keep going back. I would appreciate any advice on my ongoing problems with my family. Thank You

Hi. I need advice. My son is a great kid and goes to my moms to do homework everyday and the other night my oldest sister took him to the store without calling me and bought him lunch meat and sandwich material. She then proceeded to call me later and say that i am making my son a social outcast because she thinks i do not sign him up for activities with his peers. I told her she is totally wrong because i have him signed up in the school band, drama, boy scouts and the schools extra gala band. Am i wrong for being mad? Then she says my sons color is pale and he does not eat right. She is totally wrong. She and my mom are so close and my mother acts like she is god. Am i wrong for feeling hurt and angry? I would appreciate any advice . Thank You. 

Hi everyone, I really need advice. I have an eleven year old son (who is my world), and he slept over a friends house last night and had a great time. I was planning to take him out today as a family since his dad had the day off, my mother calls and says his cousins are over and it would be fun for him to  see his cousins, i told her of our plans and then she spoke to him and  he went over her house to see them. I am always being undermined by mother and sister who live three and four houses away from us. I feel like i have lost control of being his mom and they have taken the control. I am here crying because every word out of his mouth, is Baba this and Baba that about my mom. She and my sister criticize how i raise him. He totally disrespects me when he is over my moms house by telling me to leave and my mother totally backs him up. I am a good mom, i have him registered in boy scouts, band , drama and the schools extra gala band. How can i deal with them? I would appreciate any advice. My mother always favors my oldest sister who has two sons in college and they can do no wrong. Thank You.

My ex husband recently married a younger gal who has a 10 year old girl.  Our marriage produced two wonderful sons.  To top it off, my ex's new wife claims to be pregnant...they are 43 and 54 ( a tad aged for that).  Neither of my sons, especially my 25 year old, who was very close to his dad, want anything to do with ex's new wife and this new baby that is coming, they won't even acknowledge.  It feels like this woman is really trying to push herself on what used to be our family.  Our oldest son, who is in FL, where they live, is having a child of his own and has been in an accident that left him permantely disabled.  My ex, his wife an dher daughter com espend the weekend donw ther with my former MIL and this new wife is literally trying to take my place.  Seriously.  I know it sounds like jealousy and sure, part of it is, but she seems to be popping up everywhere where I should be, trying very hard to push me out of all of their lives and just take over.  So, I can see what is going on in your new family and the problems there.  As far as advice, I haven't figured out how to handle this situation and I am a 53 year old medical professional.  Maybe time and keeping her involved will help this problem of your's just work itself out.  I am hoping with time, that this woman will realize that she has no business doing what she is doing.  Granted she is my ex's wife, but don't be letting her try to horn in where its my place.  Make any sense?  Its all just a hard thing for all of us on both sides of the fence.  I am sure things will work out for you.  Be strong!!