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Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:13 am
Author : dataimport
Does someone in your family always have to one-up you? Or are you tired of watching your family members try to outdo one another?

 
jennife72
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December 11, 2005, 5:06 am PST

sister in laws

does anyone else have a sister in law that does not like you? 

i have one and  not sure why she doesn't  

and one of my family members gets along with her so well that it is like she takes her side before me 

christmas shopping for example 

we went out to do some and i was getting some things and are limit is $75 

so i had bought 4 things and evidently that was not enough 

so my other family member said that they would pay for it and i could pay them back 

i said no that is enough. 

i am a single mother and usually christmas is about the kids anyway 

am i right? 

well anyway i said no and the other family member said well maybe we should have lowered the limit  

like i could not afford to buy anymore  

i mean one of the items i had bought the sister in law was a crock pot and that was $35 alone  

am i right or am i wrong in thinking this way? 

let me know  

  

  

  
 
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ritehere
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December 11, 2005, 4:13 pm PST

No you are not wrong.

Quote From: jennife72

does anyone else have a sister in law that does not like you? 

i have one and  not sure why she doesn't  

and one of my family members gets along with her so well that it is like she takes her side before me 

christmas shopping for example 

we went out to do some and i was getting some things and are limit is $75 

so i had bought 4 things and evidently that was not enough 

so my other family member said that they would pay for it and i could pay them back 

i said no that is enough. 

i am a single mother and usually christmas is about the kids anyway 

am i right? 

well anyway i said no and the other family member said well maybe we should have lowered the limit  

like i could not afford to buy anymore  

i mean one of the items i had bought the sister in law was a crock pot and that was $35 alone  

am i right or am i wrong in thinking this way? 

let me know  

  

  

  

 I have had gifts over the years that were inexpensive and sometimes handmade. It's an old thought, but true: It's the thought that counts. If you're a single mother they should be content that you remember them in a card! I think the whole thing has gotten way out of hand, and the big clue is when you hear the news broadcasters giving the latest on how the retailers are making out this season, and whether this Christmas will help for a profitable year. It's scary to think our economy has sunk to the level where spending on a lot of disposable junk becomes the make or break criteria. And we all fall for it in larger numbers every year.
Hooray for you, stick to your well deserved ground.
 
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jennife72
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December 12, 2005, 5:17 am PST

hi there

Quote From: ritehere

 I have had gifts over the years that were inexpensive and sometimes handmade. It's an old thought, but true: It's the thought that counts. If you're a single mother they should be content that you remember them in a card! I think the whole thing has gotten way out of hand, and the big clue is when you hear the news broadcasters giving the latest on how the retailers are making out this season, and whether this Christmas will help for a profitable year. It's scary to think our economy has sunk to the level where spending on a lot of disposable junk becomes the make or break criteria. And we all fall for it in larger numbers every year.
Hooray for you, stick to your well deserved ground.

thanks for the advice  

that is the way i feel  

the holidays have gotten way out of hand as far as how much you buy someone  

i mean i have bought my son 6 things  

not big things but nice things  

and the person that was saying maybe we should have lowered the limit is my own sister 

now that is hitting where it hurts  

i mean she is family  

but oh well 

 we will get thru it  

we are having christmas at my apartment so that will be fun  

my son is going to have christmas day with his dad for the first time  

he is usually with me 

my b/f is going to have christmas eve at his place  

me and my son are going to have christmas eve at my parents house  

when we get done there then his dad will pick him up and i might go out to my b/f's  

depending on the weather and how late it is  

  

thank again  

jenny in indiana 
 
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kozmeek
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December 13, 2005, 7:15 am PST

Being the other woman

I'm not quite sure if the is the proper catagory but I'm in a bit of a quandry.  I am back with someone I dated over 29 years ago.  I knew his young daughter then and she acepts me now.  My boyfriend was divorced from her mother when she was very young and during his visitations, he'd leave her with his mother.  During the years we were not together, he's never remarried and his daughter has taken over that role.  She is now going through a divoroce and calls him three plus times a day, with questions like "Where are you; why aren't you answering your phone; ...   Even when she's aware we're out of town on a short holiday, she'll call with no particular purpose.  Just checking on him.  The phone starts at 7:30 am and goes on from there.  He makes it worse because he let's her control the conversation and continues to explain himself.  I've told him that he's the parent and doesn't need to answer to her.  He should just fine out what she needs and that's that.  It's wearing on me to a point that I may need to conclude this relationship.  We've kept in touch the entir time we were not together and remained friends, so much that we've decided to spend the rest of out lives together but with this looming problem, I'm not sure.  I explained this to him yesterday and he's going to talk to her and work on it himself.  Any advice? 

  

  

  

  
 
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ritehere
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December 13, 2005, 11:45 am PST

Shame on him!

Quote From: kozmeek

I'm not quite sure if the is the proper catagory but I'm in a bit of a quandry.  I am back with someone I dated over 29 years ago.  I knew his young daughter then and she acepts me now.  My boyfriend was divorced from her mother when she was very young and during his visitations, he'd leave her with his mother.  During the years we were not together, he's never remarried and his daughter has taken over that role.  She is now going through a divoroce and calls him three plus times a day, with questions like "Where are you; why aren't you answering your phone; ...   Even when she's aware we're out of town on a short holiday, she'll call with no particular purpose.  Just checking on him.  The phone starts at 7:30 am and goes on from there.  He makes it worse because he let's her control the conversation and continues to explain himself.  I've told him that he's the parent and doesn't need to answer to her.  He should just fine out what she needs and that's that.  It's wearing on me to a point that I may need to conclude this relationship.  We've kept in touch the entir time we were not together and remained friends, so much that we've decided to spend the rest of out lives together but with this looming problem, I'm not sure.  I explained this to him yesterday and he's going to talk to her and work on it himself.  Any advice? 

  

  

  

  

HIs daughter has a serious problem with her role as "daughter" and it's her father's fault for letting her assume this role. I would bet it's a big factor in her own divorce too. If you take the relationship to a higher level, you can expect sparks to fly. This poor girl and her father both need some head straightening by a qualified person. It's not just her problem, he has allowed this to happen and robbed her of her rightful place.
 
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jenoc99
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December 13, 2005, 4:25 pm PST

Daughter's control issue

Quote From: kozmeek

I'm not quite sure if the is the proper catagory but I'm in a bit of a quandry.  I am back with someone I dated over 29 years ago.  I knew his young daughter then and she acepts me now.  My boyfriend was divorced from her mother when she was very young and during his visitations, he'd leave her with his mother.  During the years we were not together, he's never remarried and his daughter has taken over that role.  She is now going through a divoroce and calls him three plus times a day, with questions like "Where are you; why aren't you answering your phone; ...   Even when she's aware we're out of town on a short holiday, she'll call with no particular purpose.  Just checking on him.  The phone starts at 7:30 am and goes on from there.  He makes it worse because he let's her control the conversation and continues to explain himself.  I've told him that he's the parent and doesn't need to answer to her.  He should just fine out what she needs and that's that.  It's wearing on me to a point that I may need to conclude this relationship.  We've kept in touch the entir time we were not together and remained friends, so much that we've decided to spend the rest of out lives together but with this looming problem, I'm not sure.  I explained this to him yesterday and he's going to talk to her and work on it himself.  Any advice? 

  

  

  

  

His daughter has control issues! 

He is allowing his daughter to harrass him, though. You said that you talked about this yesterday, does he understand and agree with your point of view? What is his perception of his relationship with his daughter and her constant calling? Is he willing to draw the line with her, or does he make excuses for her behavior? 

Its wonderful that his daughter accepts you, because that is very important. However, there needs to be clear boundaries, and it sounds like your boyfriend hasn't been very clear with her. He needs to be specific when he talks to her about what he needs from her. They can still enjoy a close, loving and supportive relationship, she doesn't need to know what he's doing, and there is NO reason for him to be explaining his decisions to her. I wish you the best of luck with this issue! Remember, sometimes you've just got to "let go"... this is annoying to you, but, its an issue between him and his daughter. You've spoken your opinion, and now the ball is in his court. He has to be willing to make changes. 
 
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megan8
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December 14, 2005, 3:36 pm PST

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: askighei

I highly recommend reading "Delivered From Distraction" by Dr. Ed. Hallowell 

I'm not sure my brother has ADD. Isn't there something out there for sibling relationships or some direction I could take?!
 
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kozmeek
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December 15, 2005, 5:17 pm PST

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: ritehere

HIs daughter has a serious problem with her role as "daughter" and it's her father's fault for letting her assume this role. I would bet it's a big factor in her own divorce too. If you take the relationship to a higher level, you can expect sparks to fly. This poor girl and her father both need some head straightening by a qualified person. It's not just her problem, he has allowed this to happen and robbed her of her rightful place.
I appreciate the input.  He's beginning to realize what a mistake it has been but making changes will take time.  He does not want to to interpret him becoming her father instead of her partner as my doing.  She also works for him, pays his bills as his accountant, both personal and business so when he stops some of this is where I'm concerned.  We recently purchased a home together and her comment was how could he do this at a time when she might need his finances.  He said he will do whatever it takes to get it right so, if the problems begin, counseling is definitely in the future.  Again, thanks. 
 
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kozmeek
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December 15, 2005, 5:28 pm PST

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: jenoc99

His daughter has control issues! 

He is allowing his daughter to harrass him, though. You said that you talked about this yesterday, does he understand and agree with your point of view? What is his perception of his relationship with his daughter and her constant calling? Is he willing to draw the line with her, or does he make excuses for her behavior? 

Its wonderful that his daughter accepts you, because that is very important. However, there needs to be clear boundaries, and it sounds like your boyfriend hasn't been very clear with her. He needs to be specific when he talks to her about what he needs from her. They can still enjoy a close, loving and supportive relationship, she doesn't need to know what he's doing, and there is NO reason for him to be explaining his decisions to her. I wish you the best of luck with this issue! Remember, sometimes you've just got to "let go"... this is annoying to you, but, its an issue between him and his daughter. You've spoken your opinion, and now the ball is in his court. He has to be willing to make changes. 

Thank you.  He's beginning to see what has been going on.  They were just in such a comfortable situation that he just failed to see it but he has expressed a deep desire to get on the right track and be her father, not her ?  I'm okay with standing on the sidelines, as long as they actually work on it.
 
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leonardo
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December 18, 2005, 11:58 pm PST

Take care of yourself

Quote From: megan8

I can't find any help! The relationship I have with my younger brother is toxic and it's getting more abusive. He is 5 years younger than I (we are both in our twenties) and we fight constantly. Now that I've moved out and he is at University things have calmed, but as soon as we see each other or talk we begin fighting again. He seems to despise me because I have followed in my parents footsteps re: career and have always played by the rules and been the "good girl". He is very smart but has failed school for the past 3 years and can't seem to get out of his rut. There's nothing I can say that makes him feel accepted by me & he's so cruel when he yells that I've started to not even like him as a person. Fights have been getting worse and he's begun to punch the walls & things are escalating (he has hit me). He's constantly threatening me physically and he verbally abuses me almost every time I see him. My parents sought counselling years ago- which he didn't go to & my parents are worried about his mental state and they want it to just go away by me ignoring him. I can do that, but it hurts me to not have a brother to talk to and i'm devasted that my parents won't stick up for me when he abuses me (which they've been witness to). What do I do? I've already moved out & into another city - but these things are still happening when i'm home over the holidays or if I run into him on weekends!
 I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I think it's a big worry that your brother is verbally and physically abusing you.  This is totally unacceptable and you need to take steps to make sure that this no longer happens.   You should tell your brother when things get out of hand  that his behaviour is unacceptable. If you feel unsafe doing this, then you need to take steps to avoid your brother until he guarantees (and you believe)  that his behaviour will change.  You will also need to let your parents know, so that you can see them without seeing him.  If your parents can't support you through this, then you need to find people who can help you, listen and believe what you are going through.  I wish you luck.
 
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