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Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:13 am
Author : dataimport
Does someone in your family always have to one-up you? Or are you tired of watching your family members try to outdo one another?
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theblame
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December 20, 2005, 12:41 pm PST

medling family

Hi, not sure if this the right category to post but I figured this is the place to start. My fiance and I are getting married in six weeks. He has an 18 year old daughter who has not spoken to us in over 8 months. She is quite angry that her dad is now in a relationship.  He hasnt been in a relationship since the divorce from her mother over 10 years ago and she has not been particulary nice.  He has tried to call her and she wont return his calls and has now changed her cell phone number.  His sister is blaming me for the break down of the relationship, his parents keep hounding him to fix the problem, her mother is now causing problems and his ex-sister in law has now sent a card trying to put the guilt on him.  I am so frustrated that everyone feels this is his fault but blames me for the breakdown of the relationship and everyone has to put their two cents in and why cant everyone just realize this is between him and her. He spoiled her to quite some extent over the past ten years and now she is just causing problems, we are fighting about her, I dont know how much more of this I can take......any thoughts??
 
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ritehere
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December 20, 2005, 8:08 pm PST

If you can't take it, she "wins"

Quote From: theblame

Hi, not sure if this the right category to post but I figured this is the place to start. My fiance and I are getting married in six weeks. He has an 18 year old daughter who has not spoken to us in over 8 months. She is quite angry that her dad is now in a relationship.  He hasnt been in a relationship since the divorce from her mother over 10 years ago and she has not been particulary nice.  He has tried to call her and she wont return his calls and has now changed her cell phone number.  His sister is blaming me for the break down of the relationship, his parents keep hounding him to fix the problem, her mother is now causing problems and his ex-sister in law has now sent a card trying to put the guilt on him.  I am so frustrated that everyone feels this is his fault but blames me for the breakdown of the relationship and everyone has to put their two cents in and why cant everyone just realize this is between him and her. He spoiled her to quite some extent over the past ten years and now she is just causing problems, we are fighting about her, I dont know how much more of this I can take......any thoughts??
 If you allow the daughter to ruin your relationship with her father, she will have gotten her way, but at the expense of her father's feelings for her. She is 18 years old, she is old enough to understand that her father needs a partner, unless she has filled that role for him. If she has been doing everything a wife does, with the exception of sex of course, she may feel that he is betraying her. Read the previous posts on this same subject. I would question your judgment that the daughter is just  "spoiled." At 18 years old, most girls are ready to "leave the nest" and would not think it something to get angry about if their father were getting married again. 10 years is a long time for her, her parents have been divorced for more than half of her life, so I would suspect that she needs some counseling, along with her father, about their roles as father and daughter.
 
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theblame
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December 21, 2005, 6:56 am PST

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: ritehere

 If you allow the daughter to ruin your relationship with her father, she will have gotten her way, but at the expense of her father's feelings for her. She is 18 years old, she is old enough to understand that her father needs a partner, unless she has filled that role for him. If she has been doing everything a wife does, with the exception of sex of course, she may feel that he is betraying her. Read the previous posts on this same subject. I would question your judgment that the daughter is just  "spoiled." At 18 years old, most girls are ready to "leave the nest" and would not think it something to get angry about if their father were getting married again. 10 years is a long time for her, her parents have been divorced for more than half of her life, so I would suspect that she needs some counseling, along with her father, about their roles as father and daughter.
Thanks for your reply. She is most definitely not ready to leave the nest.  She is not a typical 18 year old girl. She would rather hang out with her father or her mother then go out with her friends. The relationship was fine until we started to get serious, we went away on a trip last year, she wanted to come we said no, it went downhill from there.  As for my spoiled comment, she is, he has always given her anything she has asked for, was there for her beck and call, he had her every second weekend and it was her way no matter what and he will be the first to admit that he spoiled her and now that is backfiring.  To us, she said she was happy for us and for her dad to have someone in his life, but behind our backs it is a whole other story. I have started to go to counseling to try and wrap my head around this but with his parents, sister and ex-sister in law budding in it gets quite frustrating, the bottom line is this is between him and his daughter and I wish I knew how to let everyone else know just bud out. 
 
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jenoc99
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December 21, 2005, 7:00 am PST

spoiled step daughter

Quote From: theblame

Hi, not sure if this the right category to post but I figured this is the place to start. My fiance and I are getting married in six weeks. He has an 18 year old daughter who has not spoken to us in over 8 months. She is quite angry that her dad is now in a relationship.  He hasnt been in a relationship since the divorce from her mother over 10 years ago and she has not been particulary nice.  He has tried to call her and she wont return his calls and has now changed her cell phone number.  His sister is blaming me for the break down of the relationship, his parents keep hounding him to fix the problem, her mother is now causing problems and his ex-sister in law has now sent a card trying to put the guilt on him.  I am so frustrated that everyone feels this is his fault but blames me for the breakdown of the relationship and everyone has to put their two cents in and why cant everyone just realize this is between him and her. He spoiled her to quite some extent over the past ten years and now she is just causing problems, we are fighting about her, I dont know how much more of this I can take......any thoughts??

I agree with the other poster who said if you allow his daughter's tactics to work by tearing apart your relationship, she "wins".. and thats the last thing you want!  

My suggestion is that your fiance send a card back to his ex-sister in law as well as other family members saying that he loves his daughter very much, that he wants a loving relationship with her, and that he wants to contact her, but he doesn't have her phone number. Also, he should send a card to his daughter saying the same things, be careful not to have any blame in the cards, just have it be  a few sentences saying that he cares about her, etc., but that he also needs a partner for life and has chosen you. My last bit of advice is to give this all time.... I know it feels like this will go on forever, but with time, his daughter will mature, I hope-- and she will come to realize that she just couldn't be the only woman in his life forever. I wish you luck!! 
 
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theblame
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December 21, 2005, 11:53 am PST

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: jenoc99

I agree with the other poster who said if you allow his daughter's tactics to work by tearing apart your relationship, she "wins".. and thats the last thing you want!  

My suggestion is that your fiance send a card back to his ex-sister in law as well as other family members saying that he loves his daughter very much, that he wants a loving relationship with her, and that he wants to contact her, but he doesn't have her phone number. Also, he should send a card to his daughter saying the same things, be careful not to have any blame in the cards, just have it be  a few sentences saying that he cares about her, etc., but that he also needs a partner for life and has chosen you. My last bit of advice is to give this all time.... I know it feels like this will go on forever, but with time, his daughter will mature, I hope-- and she will come to realize that she just couldn't be the only woman in his life forever. I wish you luck!! 

Hi, I agree with sending a card to the ex-sister in law and other family members.  He had tried to contact his daughter but she wouldnt return his calls, he tried quite a few times to no avail, since then she has changed her number.  He feels that now it is up to her he has tried and unfortunately the blame is being put on him and on me because who else is there to blame. We are trying to have a life together and our wedding is six weeks ago and we are getting no support from his family whatsoever, nobody seems to care what we think or how we feel it is all about how his daugther is feeling and I dont think that is fair, he did everything for her, he never missed a child support payment even though he is paying thru the nose, he helped her when she needed it, etc. But nobody seems to remember any of that and now he is selfish because he wants a life of his own and I have changed him according to everyone else.
 
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deafmom45
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December 27, 2005, 10:57 am PST

Crazy Family !

  

I am the mother of two. Been in caught between my husband and my daughter  which it shouldnt have done at the first place. They are similar alike that I can tell and compared. I dont like to compared things about anyone in the family. Its our choice and leave God's hands to take care of. 

Christmas wasnt pleasant when I have bad chest cold sleep all day. Daughter bragging alot of things need to be tidy up not offerin help around. Thank goodness my son goes to his friends for two day over night. Yesterday  been abused kick my leg from daughter who s not getting her own  way  she s old enough to things herself . I have dr. phil 's book yah.. I need is get a book just for me self esteem and be strong and I liked to get his joural as well questions etc. I wished it was on his website so I can start now.
I just want to wake up peaceful  pleasant  happeniness to get along. Not sour the mouth. I dont need medical state in my mind from both of them.Thats why I rather to go on dr phil s show and go from there but no luck no word nothing. 

I bet its sadness part and worse of all before close to New year. I dont want to spoiling it at all. 

 Its amazed that i m reading the message board and lots people out there needs thiers and supportive. 

  

 
 
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brown712

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December 30, 2005, 3:12 am PST

Don't Run Away...

Quote From: megan8

I can't find any help! The relationship I have with my younger brother is toxic and it's getting more abusive. He is 5 years younger than I (we are both in our twenties) and we fight constantly. Now that I've moved out and he is at University things have calmed, but as soon as we see each other or talk we begin fighting again. He seems to despise me because I have followed in my parents footsteps re: career and have always played by the rules and been the "good girl". He is very smart but has failed school for the past 3 years and can't seem to get out of his rut. There's nothing I can say that makes him feel accepted by me & he's so cruel when he yells that I've started to not even like him as a person. Fights have been getting worse and he's begun to punch the walls & things are escalating (he has hit me). He's constantly threatening me physically and he verbally abuses me almost every time I see him. My parents sought counselling years ago- which he didn't go to & my parents are worried about his mental state and they want it to just go away by me ignoring him. I can do that, but it hurts me to not have a brother to talk to and i'm devasted that my parents won't stick up for me when he abuses me (which they've been witness to). What do I do? I've already moved out & into another city - but these things are still happening when i'm home over the holidays or if I run into him on weekends!
I saw your post and it really touched me, because I have the same relationship with my older brother. Like you, I am the "good" child, and my brother has made many wrong turns in his life. At 42 years old, his is openly hostile, bitter and resentful towards me.  He is definately old enough to know better, but he HATES me.  It does hurt, because you want to have a good relationship with him, but you have to understand that he has a problem that has more to do with himself, more than it does with you.  What I mean is that I hope that your brother will grow up and mature (that sounds to me what the larger problem is). Once he finds something that he excels at and gives him a stronger sense of self worth, then maybe he will treat you better, but take it from one who knows: as long as you continue to be more successful, there will always be problems between you, until he matures.  By all means, keep up the good work and please do what the other post suggested (physical abuse is never acceptable).  Your parents need to support you with this as well. 
 
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WereRabbit
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December 30, 2005, 9:17 am PST

Dear Megan))))))

Quote From: megan8

I'm not sure my brother has ADD. Isn't there something out there for sibling relationships or some direction I could take?!
Your brother is abusive......and the only way to deal with it is with knowledge.....go to www.drirene.com and read and learn about abuse......It is a great site with wonderful support of lots of people who have been abused.......Maybe this will help you understand more about what is going on with your brother........Inbetween
 
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carrolj
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December 31, 2005, 6:05 am PST

Engagement

My daughter who is 28 and single accepted a proposal to marry a successful man age 33.  Unfortunately, the following week after accepting the engagement ring, she paniced and since then life has not been the same.  She is suddenly finding things wrong with him that seem so childish.  I agree that he is not perfect and I keep reminding her that no one is.  I become very frustrated when I hear that he is trying to contact her and she is avoiding him; sometimes days.  He admits that he has some behavior problems that he needs to work on but loves her enough to try. 

  

She is still wearing the ring.  I know he is losing his patience and may call the engagment off himself. 

  

  

It is affecting many people.  It is such a roller coast ride.  She continues to talk about this.  I don't know what to say to her.  I know what I would like to say.  I think she is acting very immature in the way she is handling the situation.  She needs to confront the issues and either end the relationship or seek help. 

  

If you have dealt with a situation like this, please let me know how you handled it. 
 
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WereRabbit
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December 31, 2005, 10:17 am PST

Behavior Problems?????

Quote From: carrolj

My daughter who is 28 and single accepted a proposal to marry a successful man age 33.  Unfortunately, the following week after accepting the engagement ring, she paniced and since then life has not been the same.  She is suddenly finding things wrong with him that seem so childish.  I agree that he is not perfect and I keep reminding her that no one is.  I become very frustrated when I hear that he is trying to contact her and she is avoiding him; sometimes days.  He admits that he has some behavior problems that he needs to work on but loves her enough to try. 

  

She is still wearing the ring.  I know he is losing his patience and may call the engagment off himself. 

  

  

It is affecting many people.  It is such a roller coast ride.  She continues to talk about this.  I don't know what to say to her.  I know what I would like to say.  I think she is acting very immature in the way she is handling the situation.  She needs to confront the issues and either end the relationship or seek help. 

  

If you have dealt with a situation like this, please let me know how you handled it. 

Your daughter is frightened of something.........and it maybe Abusive.......I would suggest a Website.....www.drirene.com........she can go there and read up on all the signs that she might be experiencing........He might be a successsful man........but that doesn't mean he is a Nice man....behind closed doors.......Don't push her into making a decision.......She Owns her feelings....and her gut feeling just might be that this guy is Abusive.......Hope this Helps.....Inbetween
 
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