I myself have thought of running away. Now, it seems to be just about the only option. I come from a family where my older brother is fawned over, and practically worshipped, and I'm pretty much expected to follow in his footsteps, and I'm compared to him constantly. I've always felt so unwelcome when I'm around my family, that I might as well not even be there at all. I'm also the sounding board in my family. If my mother is angry at my brother for something that he has done, then she comes and screams at me about it. If I ask her why she doesn't talk to him about the issue, she says, "well, because he's stressed out right now." I get blamed for the finances in my family too. Actually, I get blamed for everything. For so many years I tried to be the "perfect child" so I could match the pedestal that my brother is on. That turned into an obsession, and lead to a eating disorder and many suicide attempts. Along with all the other issues I dealt with, I was messed up for a long time. My relationship with my mother is nonexistent. So, nonexistent that I call her "mother" instead of "mom." Because to me I have a mother, but I don't have a mom. My mother has anger mangement problems, and I'm the prey of her choosing. Our fights can get really ugly. They're usually just yelling and screaming, sometimes at the top of our lungs. Then there has been cussing, and name calling. Sometimes objects are thrown, and sometimes things are broken. If it's a really bad fight, I usually end up walking away and staying in my room for hours. My mother grabs the keys and disappears. Sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for a few hours, one time for days. Now, I find it best to just say what I need to say, and then I walk away. I admit that I've dealt with anger in a bad way, and that I've done and said horrible things when I'm angry, but I can control my anger a lot better then my mother can. My mother gets angry over the smallest things, and then runs. If I apologize for something that I've known I've done wrong, I expect for my mother to apologize to me for the things she has said and done, but she usually just says, "thank you" and walks away. My mother has always ruled the roost in my family. My dad, while he acts like he's in charge, he really isn't. He's actually the submissive role. He believes that if he ignores everything, then it will go away. Denial is a huge thing in my family, along with backstabbing. When my mother and I fight, my dad will either leave, or will hole himself up in a room. My dad has told me that he knows that I'm the sounding board in our family, and he knows how cold and mean my mother is to me, and how unfair it is, and he promises to stand up for me, but he never does. I have lost so much respect for him because of this. Who do I turn to? I was the one in our family who saw a problem, and saw that it needed to be fixed. So, I was the one who initiated family therapy, but that didn't work out. Then, I fairly recently tried to get mother/daughter counseling, not to blame each other, but because I so desire a relationship with my mother. My mother refused. I'm just expected to keep a big, fake grin on my face and pretend like everything is okay, but I can't. I'm done. Which is why when I was offered a chance to move away from here, I accepted. Once I'm gone, then I'm gone. It may sound selfish, but everyone around me is telling me to run, and it just seems like the best thing to do. For my sanity, and my health. Once I get to where I'm going, I'll just start over. I've already begun the process of starting over and turning over a new leaf right now. I hope everyone has a great night, and I wish everyone the best of luck. Yall take care.
