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Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 395
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:13 am
Author : dataimport
Does someone in your family always have to one-up you? Or are you tired of watching your family members try to outdo one another?

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December 31, 2005, 11:33 am CST

Daughter's own behavior problems

Quote From: carrolj

My daughter who is 28 and single accepted a proposal to marry a successful man age 33.  Unfortunately, the following week after accepting the engagement ring, she paniced and since then life has not been the same.  She is suddenly finding things wrong with him that seem so childish.  I agree that he is not perfect and I keep reminding her that no one is.  I become very frustrated when I hear that he is trying to contact her and she is avoiding him; sometimes days.  He admits that he has some behavior problems that he needs to work on but loves her enough to try. 

  

She is still wearing the ring.  I know he is losing his patience and may call the engagment off himself. 

  

  

It is affecting many people.  It is such a roller coast ride.  She continues to talk about this.  I don't know what to say to her.  I know what I would like to say.  I think she is acting very immature in the way she is handling the situation.  She needs to confront the issues and either end the relationship or seek help. 

  

If you have dealt with a situation like this, please let me know how you handled it. 

Your daughter has cold feet!! She sounds scared and confused. My advice to you is to tell her what you are thinking, take off the kid gloves!! She needs to hear what you think, you are a powerful role model in her life. Her fiance deserves to KNOW, one way or the other, what is going on with her. Just as he isn't perfect, she isn't, either. Suggest that they go to pre-marital counceling; I know of a few couples who did this and it made their relationships stronger, much stronger. I wish you well.
 
January 2, 2006, 9:35 pm CST

Plan on running away.

I myself have thought of running away.  Now, it seems to be just about the only option.  I come from a family where my older brother is fawned over, and practically worshipped, and I'm pretty much expected to follow in his footsteps, and I'm compared to him constantly.  I've always felt so unwelcome when I'm around my family, that I might as well not even be there at all.  I'm also the sounding board in my family.  If my mother is angry at my brother for something that he has done, then she comes and screams at me about it.  If I ask her why she doesn't talk to him about the issue, she says, "well, because he's stressed out right now."   I get blamed for the finances in my family too.  Actually, I get blamed for everything.  For so many years I tried to be the "perfect child" so I could match the pedestal that my brother is on.  That turned into an obsession, and lead to a eating disorder and many suicide attempts. Along with all the other issues I dealt with, I was messed up for a long time.   My relationship with my mother is nonexistent.  So, nonexistent that I call her "mother" instead of "mom."  Because to me I have a mother, but I don't have a mom.   My mother has anger mangement problems, and I'm the prey of her choosing.  Our fights can get really ugly.  They're usually just yelling and screaming, sometimes at the top of our lungs.  Then there has been cussing, and name calling.  Sometimes objects are thrown, and sometimes things are broken.  If it's a really bad fight, I usually end up walking away and staying in my room for hours.  My mother grabs the keys and disappears.  Sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for a few hours, one time for days.  Now, I find it best to just say what I need to say, and then I walk away.  I admit that I've dealt with anger in a bad way, and that I've done and said horrible things when I'm angry, but I can control my anger a lot better then my mother can.  My mother gets angry over the smallest things, and then runs.  If I apologize for something that I've known I've done wrong, I expect for my mother to apologize to me for the things she has said and done, but she usually just says, "thank you" and walks away.  My mother has always ruled the roost in my family.  My dad, while he acts like he's in charge, he really isn't.  He's actually the submissive role.  He believes that if he ignores everything, then it will go away.  Denial is a huge thing in my family, along with backstabbing.  When my mother and I fight, my dad will either leave, or will hole himself up in a room.  My dad has told me that he knows that I'm the sounding board in our family, and he knows how cold and mean my mother is to me, and how unfair it is, and he promises to stand up for me, but he never does.   I have lost so much respect for him because of this.  Who do I turn to?  I was the one in our family who saw a problem, and saw that it needed to be fixed.  So, I was the one who initiated family therapy, but that didn't work out.  Then, I fairly recently tried to get mother/daughter counseling, not to blame each other, but because I so desire a relationship with my mother.  My mother refused.  I'm just expected to keep a big, fake grin on my face and pretend like everything is okay, but I can't.  I'm done.  Which is why when I was offered a chance to move away from here, I accepted.  Once I'm gone, then I'm gone.   It may sound selfish, but everyone around me is telling me to run, and it just seems like the best thing to do.  For my sanity, and my health.  Once I get to where I'm going, I'll just start over.  I've already begun the process of starting over and turning over a new leaf right now.   I hope everyone has a great night, and I wish everyone the best of luck.  Yall take care. 

 
January 4, 2006, 2:19 pm CST

I applaud you.

Quote From: newleaf85

I myself have thought of running away.  Now, it seems to be just about the only option.  I come from a family where my older brother is fawned over, and practically worshipped, and I'm pretty much expected to follow in his footsteps, and I'm compared to him constantly.  I've always felt so unwelcome when I'm around my family, that I might as well not even be there at all.  I'm also the sounding board in my family.  If my mother is angry at my brother for something that he has done, then she comes and screams at me about it.  If I ask her why she doesn't talk to him about the issue, she says, "well, because he's stressed out right now."   I get blamed for the finances in my family too.  Actually, I get blamed for everything.  For so many years I tried to be the "perfect child" so I could match the pedestal that my brother is on.  That turned into an obsession, and lead to a eating disorder and many suicide attempts. Along with all the other issues I dealt with, I was messed up for a long time.   My relationship with my mother is nonexistent.  So, nonexistent that I call her "mother" instead of "mom."  Because to me I have a mother, but I don't have a mom.   My mother has anger mangement problems, and I'm the prey of her choosing.  Our fights can get really ugly.  They're usually just yelling and screaming, sometimes at the top of our lungs.  Then there has been cussing, and name calling.  Sometimes objects are thrown, and sometimes things are broken.  If it's a really bad fight, I usually end up walking away and staying in my room for hours.  My mother grabs the keys and disappears.  Sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for a few hours, one time for days.  Now, I find it best to just say what I need to say, and then I walk away.  I admit that I've dealt with anger in a bad way, and that I've done and said horrible things when I'm angry, but I can control my anger a lot better then my mother can.  My mother gets angry over the smallest things, and then runs.  If I apologize for something that I've known I've done wrong, I expect for my mother to apologize to me for the things she has said and done, but she usually just says, "thank you" and walks away.  My mother has always ruled the roost in my family.  My dad, while he acts like he's in charge, he really isn't.  He's actually the submissive role.  He believes that if he ignores everything, then it will go away.  Denial is a huge thing in my family, along with backstabbing.  When my mother and I fight, my dad will either leave, or will hole himself up in a room.  My dad has told me that he knows that I'm the sounding board in our family, and he knows how cold and mean my mother is to me, and how unfair it is, and he promises to stand up for me, but he never does.   I have lost so much respect for him because of this.  Who do I turn to?  I was the one in our family who saw a problem, and saw that it needed to be fixed.  So, I was the one who initiated family therapy, but that didn't work out.  Then, I fairly recently tried to get mother/daughter counseling, not to blame each other, but because I so desire a relationship with my mother.  My mother refused.  I'm just expected to keep a big, fake grin on my face and pretend like everything is okay, but I can't.  I'm done.  Which is why when I was offered a chance to move away from here, I accepted.  Once I'm gone, then I'm gone.   It may sound selfish, but everyone around me is telling me to run, and it just seems like the best thing to do.  For my sanity, and my health.  Once I get to where I'm going, I'll just start over.  I've already begun the process of starting over and turning over a new leaf right now.   I hope everyone has a great night, and I wish everyone the best of luck.  Yall take care. 

 Sounds like your mother is toxic, the whole family situation is toxic. Dr Phil says of married couples that they should "earn" their way out of the relationship before divorcing, it sounds like you have done everything in your power to turn your relationships around. You have definitely earned your way out of this. YOU were willing to go through counseling, THEY were not. There's not much more you can do with people who refuse to go the distance for the sake of family health.
It will be curious to see how the family dynamics change once you are out of the picture.
If you have troubles getting over past resentments and anger, do not hesitate to get some personal counseling for yourself. If you can't let the past go, your mother will retain power over you, even though she's not around.
 
January 6, 2006, 11:51 pm CST

Children working the system

I posted a while back about how my stepson was manipulating both sets of parents to get ouf ot his own responsibilities.  Now the stepdaughter is doing it.  She's trying to get us to think she's terrified of her mother & stepfather, then she goes to them & does the same to us.  She & her brother are not ali's. Actually they pretty much hate each other.  Because of this, I know what she is doing.  My stepson tells me exactly what she does at his mom's.  This is backed up by a hateful email or voice mail from mom.   

  

When confronted, she says she HAD to tell her mom those things about me to make her mom happy.  That could be partly true, but I know it's partly because she wanted to distract mom with me to avoid getting in trouble for something.  

  

They have both admitted on different occasions that they can get mom mad at me and it will distract her from disciplining them for something. 

  

We are goind through the finishing stages of an evaluation.  I sure hope they see what these kids are doing. 

  

 
January 7, 2006, 9:52 pm CST

Thanks for your support.

Quote From: ritehere

 Sounds like your mother is toxic, the whole family situation is toxic. Dr Phil says of married couples that they should "earn" their way out of the relationship before divorcing, it sounds like you have done everything in your power to turn your relationships around. You have definitely earned your way out of this. YOU were willing to go through counseling, THEY were not. There's not much more you can do with people who refuse to go the distance for the sake of family health.
It will be curious to see how the family dynamics change once you are out of the picture.
If you have troubles getting over past resentments and anger, do not hesitate to get some personal counseling for yourself. If you can't let the past go, your mother will retain power over you, even though she's not around.

Ritehere,  

  

       Thank you for your support.  I just wanted to post my experience on here because I didn't know if there was a option that I might have missed.  Now I know that I'm not a selfish person, and that I've done everything that I possibly could.  Thank you so much.  I'll be looking into personal counseling, like you suggested.  Thanks again.  Best wishes, NewLeaf85 

 
January 7, 2006, 11:56 pm CST

Boyfriend's unusual sibling relationship

My boyfriend and his sister are very close, unusually close in my opinion. They talk on the phone several times a day. They hang out for a few hours every 2 or 3 days, he babysits her 4 kids for her once a week, most of the time, just because she wants him to. Not because she has any pressing  business or business that requires her to be childless to do. Also, when he's at work he turns his cell phone ringer to silent so he isn't disturbed, he's a server at a restaurant. I find it completely reasonable and acceptable for him to silence his phone while working, and if there is anything I want or need to talk to him about I wait until he's home. But recently, I found out that his sister just calls his work phone and has him called away from his duties to talk to her and that he doesn't tell her to stop. He also arrives to work an hour early to make sure he has time to eat before work because he says he often doesn't get a long enough break to eat while he's working. I have been completely accepting and supportive of this. But during that hour before work he sits and talks to his sister on his cell phone and then if he does get a break he calls her again and talks more. I just wonder why he doesn't ever call me. He stays up until about 3am every night even on nights he works and he gets off every night at 10pm, but he still doesn't come home & go to bed until 3am. Then he sleeps all day until 3 or 4 hours before he has to go to work an hour early. When he gets up he watches T.V. and/or  browses the Internet until he has to get ready for work. While he's doing this I'm doing whatever I need to do to take care of the house and kids. So it's not like we're spending quality time together each day and yet he still doesn't desire spending nearly as much time talking to me as he does with his sister. His sister is married, has been for about 4 years and her husband is a trucker whose gone 4 days a week. Although they talk on their cell phones throughout the day. I know that often when she calls my boyfriend she's talking about some event that she experienced that has causedher a lot of distress, (drama queen!), but she's 28 and I think she should be able to handle most of these things on her own. Like her oven quit working and her apartment manager wouldn't replace it or her husband drove to his destination and there was no new trailer for him to haul. Am I the only one who thinks she has an unhealthy dependence on him? I'm not sure how to deal with this because I don't want to break up a family relationship. I feel and understand that they are important, but his relationship with her seems to be really too much and to be interfering with our relationship, unless what it actually is, is that he's not interested in our relationship so he tries to escape it by avoiding me through staying up all night watching T.V., sleeping all day & pouring himself into his sister. Or sometimes I think maybe I'm just mentally much stronger than she is and her need for his sympathy, advice and moral and emotional support from him makes him feel needed in a way he likes and prefers that I don't make him feel. I have tried talking to my boyfriend about this unhealthy dependence between him and his sister and he immediately becomes defensive and refuses to talk about it. So I really am just left sitting here trying to figure out exactly what is going with him. And he tells me he wants to marry me! I think to myself no way. Not right now. I don't want to marry his sister. She & her husband talk about moving back to Oregon and right now I just keep praying they do and soon. 

Does anyone have any useful input?  

 
January 18, 2006, 10:02 pm CST

Baby brother

Okay, here goes, I am a middle child, i have one older sister and one liltle brother, and my little brother has messed our family all up,  He has been on drugs in the past, and made everyone think he is  crazy(mentially) has been in hospitals for being physo, he is now 31 yrs old, and my 69 year mother is supporting him and has been for years now, she is cleaning 10 houses a week and paying all his bills, including a new truck, which she bought for him, he is not crazy just lazy! and is playing her. needless to say me and my sister do not agree with this, and have tryed to help her, she need sto retire. but she is no longer talking to me nor my sis, because he is telling her we are causing problems and she is drawn in his web. She didnt even call my daughter on christmas and she is 10 years old. My mother has basically cutt me and my sis off, and we have been out on our own since we were 20 years old, and have never asked her for anything, and we did lose our dad  when he was 49 years old. so we have no one!
 
January 19, 2006, 7:11 am CST

Check this out

Quote From: starismad

Okay, here goes, I am a middle child, i have one older sister and one liltle brother, and my little brother has messed our family all up,  He has been on drugs in the past, and made everyone think he is  crazy(mentially) has been in hospitals for being physo, he is now 31 yrs old, and my 69 year mother is supporting him and has been for years now, she is cleaning 10 houses a week and paying all his bills, including a new truck, which she bought for him, he is not crazy just lazy! and is playing her. needless to say me and my sister do not agree with this, and have tryed to help her, she need sto retire. but she is no longer talking to me nor my sis, because he is telling her we are causing problems and she is drawn in his web. She didnt even call my daughter on christmas and she is 10 years old. My mother has basically cutt me and my sis off, and we have been out on our own since we were 20 years old, and have never asked her for anything, and we did lose our dad  when he was 49 years old. so we have no one!
What a coincidence! I have 2 neices who are acting like your brother. They use my parents in the same manner your brother uses your mom. What makes this a coincidence is that I am now reading in a new book that I have bought called: "EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL". It is by Susan Forward. It is about:" When the people in your life use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate you."  If you can get this book and read it and high-light the points that stand out (to your mother) and then read those points to her or send her a copy of the book. Maybe, just maybe she will see what your brother is doing to her. Your mother is also "enabeling" your brother to "depend" on her and that is not a "healthy" relationship for either of them. Until she can stand up to him and say "NO", you go to work and pay for your truck, NO, you pay your own bills, he is going to keep doing this same "cycle" over and over to her. He is making her feel that he is "incompetent" when actually he is "lazy" and wanting someone else to take care of him. I resent my neices for taking advantage of my parents and begging them for money to help pay their bills, feed their kids, buy clothes, etc... and why do my neices do this? Because my parents feel sorry for them and because they are ALLOWING IT! It has to stop! Enough is enough! So, I am going to continue reading this book and high-light everything and show them this is what they are doing to you AND this is how YOU are making me (us) feel. Your mother is going to have to say NO to him in order to get him to get off his butt and start doing for himself. Ask your mother: "If you dont stop this now, who is going to take care of him when you are gone? Wouldnt you want to have the peace in knowing that your son (your brother) would be able to care for himself when you are no longer on earth?" Your mother is an "enabler" and your brother is taking advantage of her. I hope this helps you some. Get the book if you can. Good luck!
 
January 19, 2006, 5:31 pm CST

lazy people

Quote From: jb7ctx

What a coincidence! I have 2 neices who are acting like your brother. They use my parents in the same manner your brother uses your mom. What makes this a coincidence is that I am now reading in a new book that I have bought called: "EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL". It is by Susan Forward. It is about:" When the people in your life use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate you."  If you can get this book and read it and high-light the points that stand out (to your mother) and then read those points to her or send her a copy of the book. Maybe, just maybe she will see what your brother is doing to her. Your mother is also "enabeling" your brother to "depend" on her and that is not a "healthy" relationship for either of them. Until she can stand up to him and say "NO", you go to work and pay for your truck, NO, you pay your own bills, he is going to keep doing this same "cycle" over and over to her. He is making her feel that he is "incompetent" when actually he is "lazy" and wanting someone else to take care of him. I resent my neices for taking advantage of my parents and begging them for money to help pay their bills, feed their kids, buy clothes, etc... and why do my neices do this? Because my parents feel sorry for them and because they are ALLOWING IT! It has to stop! Enough is enough! So, I am going to continue reading this book and high-light everything and show them this is what they are doing to you AND this is how YOU are making me (us) feel. Your mother is going to have to say NO to him in order to get him to get off his butt and start doing for himself. Ask your mother: "If you dont stop this now, who is going to take care of him when you are gone? Wouldnt you want to have the peace in knowing that your son (your brother) would be able to care for himself when you are no longer on earth?" Your mother is an "enabler" and your brother is taking advantage of her. I hope this helps you some. Get the book if you can. Good luck!
Thank you so much, Iwill get the book. And yes i can see you have been through, what i am going through, but i am a girl and he is a boy, and he is lucky because if me and my sister were guys, he would have his ass kicked by now. it just gets me , me and my sis are good kids, with problems too! and i guess our lives dont matter to her! it burns me up. but thank you so much, i can see you relate. thank you
 
January 21, 2006, 12:10 pm CST

sister-in-law help

I have a sister-in-law that loves to gossip and cause problems .she will not admit that she is wrong .my husban and i have been married for 6 years and now my husbans familey will not speak to us.they have disowend there own son over her lies and gossip. When she would call me I would tell her I dont know that person to say anything about them; but know she has everything twisted that i said this and that. His brother slept with his wife before  during and after there marriage. She told him after we were married. He will not admit it but my husband always felt it ,My mother-in-law says it is my husband fault because of the type of lady he picked. My sister-in-law is saying that i have told everyone about this, i have not That is my husban I would never tell that. Then she said i have told everyone she had an abortion i didnt even know that , till i was acussed of it thats when my husbands father said The lies have started a family fued They said i am crazy but cant see what their daughter has started . so we are at blame . I never told her familey what she has said about them ever. and still wont. My husban fight about this all the time it is distroing our family  what can we do his mom said he is out of the family and out of there will . but what is a will . family is more important then some stupid will
 
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