Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

I don't understand what you are saying in the situation described in your post :  

"His brother slept with his wife before  during and after there marriage. She told him after we were married. He will not admit it but my husband always felt it ,My mother-in-law says it is my husband fault because of the type of lady he picked. My sister-in-law is saying that i have told everyone about this, i have not That is my husban I would never tell that." 

 His brother being who, your husband's brother? Whatever the situation is, it sounds like your in-laws are toxic! They are not willing to admit that your SIL has any faults or has any blame to take for not getting along with you because you are the "outsider"... In other words, they have always been comfortable with their own dysfunction, and they aren't interested in changing anything... they are only interested in keeping themselves withing their comfort zones. You have a chance to have a happy and healthy relationship with your husband if you can stay away from his toxic, dysfunctional family, is that possible? When you say that your husband and you fight about this all the time, exactly what are you fighting about? Does he want to be around they chaos and dysfunction, does he make excuses for them? If he does, this is because he has always been around it- this is how he was raised. I highly suggest marriage counceling!! Do you want to save your marriage? It takes two people. He has to be willing to take accountability where he should. 

This is my first time married and my husband's family is quite the trouble making kind.  They do not see anything wrong with their dependent and controlling behavior.  I am very independent and caring.  But I just can't bring myself to committ to his family in any way due to their manipulating and controlling ways that they continue to hold over my husband's head. 

They are very needy and cannot do anything for themselves.  They constantly talk down about everyone.   

My husband changed dramatically and almost overnight when we met.  They still have not accepted his new self.  They continue to remind me that he is not the person I married.  I refuse to see them or talk to them.  Every time I have made sincere attempts to get along they always find a way to bring up his past or cry about how they need his help with money, etc.  He feels obligated to give as he had always done in the past.  He holds out but they continue to pound away like they have nothing better to do until my husband and I end up in an argument and we always do.  He has told them numerous times to stop it because it is causing problems but then they pour it on even more.  They do not respect his new life and family, but yet they want me to conform.  It is a stand off. 

How do I get along?   

Thanks for your advice.  I had my husband read your reply and it brought him to tears.  He has heard the same from me during many of our disagreements on this subject and most of the time his reply was denial.   He would say that it is his family that makes these problems not him which has allowed him to not deal with the issue or accept the truth on a number of occassions, as you know, allows the problem to go on.   

His hopes would be that someday we can all get along.   

Thanks again for taking the time to help! 

First I want to tell you, you just took a step for yourself.  You took a big step by comming to the message board and seeking advice / help. That is good and that is the "first step". You do need help for yourself and only "you" can do it, not your mom or anyone else. The first step is the hardest, and you took it. With that being said, I want you to know, that you, your life, is worth something. God has a plan for you. Believe it or not. Try hard not to harm yourself, you dont deserve that. Why? Because you are worth something. You are here for a reason. You know in your heart what is the cause of your depression, reguardless of what others may think. No one knows you better, but you. Do you think maybe your anti-depressants may not be the one you need? Maybe you need another type so you can have energy so you can take care of you. I have fought depression myself. I know how you feel. But what I learned is, no one else knows how I feel because they are not in my shoes. If your family is bringing you down, can you stay with your b-friend? You dont need negativity in your life right now, you need positivity. Think positive. Think, "I will get better and I am going to get better for me"! If you are not ready to go back to work, dont do it yet, you might have another relaspe. You need your energy, your health, your strength in order to get better. You can do this. If you have to, write yourself a note to remind you to call your therapist. When you wake in the morning, go for a walk to clear your head and  breathe the fresh air. Keep in mind, you are fixing to take the second step, and that is working on you, to get out of the gloomy mood of depression, and have a spiritual mood of joy. Do this for you. Not only by doing this are you getting more energy for yourself, but you are also changing the way you think as you walk. Think about happy things. The sun shining, the birds singing, the colors of Gods creation. He did this for you too. You deserve happiness too. I have also learned that only "I" can make myself happy or sad. It is up to me. Dont cheat yourself out of your own life. Enjoy it and savor every minute of it. For life is too short. Dont pay attention to what they say about you or your b-friend. You both know each other, obviously, your family doesnt know either of you. Things will get better for you, justs have faith. Maybe join some support groups. That helped me also. I am very familiar with the cutting, suicide, and depression. I was once there, now I am here. Blessings to you. 

Depression is a real and serious disorder that can change a person's whole life- as you already know. It sounds like you don't have the amount of support that you need at this time in your life, this must be very difficult for you.  

If you are on antidepressants yet still don't have energy, I suggest calling your dr. to let him/her know about that. There are so many types of antidepressants, sometimes a person has to try a few different kinds before they find the one that works for them. I know that it can be overwhelming, but the best person to care for your emotional well-being would be you at this point in life. There is nothing so big that it is worth killing yourself. You deserve to be happy and to enjoy a fullfilling life! 

I know that when people say negative things about you and/or your boyfriend that it makes you upset, but you've got to learn how to not allow their opinions affect you in such negative ways- its like giving them your personal power. You are the only one who should have control over how you feel. It doesn't matter who says what, you are in control of YOU. Starting today, do what lifts up your spirits and take care of yourself.